A romance on the Camino...and then she moves on

[kptorrahk]

This has all happened in the past two weeks between finishing the Camino and coming home, so it's still fresh and technically open-ended, but the energy I get from her is negative. This is a very personal account. If it's at all possible, I'd like you to be empathetic with me and don't judge. Being human can be tough.

I'm trying to deal with letting go of a person I became intimate with for about a week. I need to add that after 1/3 of my Camino an idea crept into my mind: that I might meet my significant other on the Camino. It wouldn't leave my mind. To find a partner has been a big desire of my life and at the forefront of my thoughts for many years. And so I primed my brain for flirtatious behaviour.

So, on the Camino Francés I had been walking with her off an on since Grañon. We were joking around and were in touch all the time, even the many days when I was far ahead of her. In Leon we started to flirt. In Foncebadon we both had a very emotional session with a church volunteer; when we went to bed we ended up kissing and that started off an intense week together. We bared our souls to each other, we released our inner childs together joking around while walking, we talked about our deepest vulnerabilities and we surrendered to the moment.

But after that week she picked up the courage to tell me she needed to finish walking into Santiago and to Finisterre alone, because she really needed time and space to deal with her issues. It took me by surprise, I won't lie. It hadn't been my intention to develop feelings for her, but that was happening exactly around this time. But of course I couldn't say no to such a simple and logical pilgrim request - we all need to walk our own Camino and we are just passersby after all.

What I didn't realise - and a vital detail that we didn't discuss - was that she also needed complete radio silence from anybody (me included). So suddenly she was not only physically detached from me, but she stopped replying to my messages. The first time it took her 2 days to respond. I should have asked then and there about the radio silence, but I didn't think about it. Asking advice from fellow camino friends, I was told by several people to let her have the space, don't force it and not keep sending messages.

But my mind was in turmoil. We had been sending messages so intensively for such a long time, my emotions got the better of me. I would send messages, delete them later, resend other messages. My longing, sadness and ego got the better of me. It took her another 3 days to respond. We were both walking towards the sea at that time, but in different directions, so during those days my blissful solitude had turned into an aching feeling of loneliness. I did suddenly meet her on the way to Muxia from the opposite direction and she comforted me, but she clearly wanted to get moving again and too many things were left unsaid.

By the time she sent me an audio message I had already left Muxia/Santiago and was on my way home. She explained how the more I had sent messages, the less she had felt inclined to reply, because it saturated her mind, while she was looking to disconnect from others and connect with herself. But she also complimented me in detail how important I had been to her on the Camino, but that it was never real love, and couldn't be that in the future. The message was clear: we each needed to walk our own way.

Again, in pilgrim-land this happens all the time. You have intense moments with people but then they're free to go at any time. But I was emotionally invested. I couldn't let go. I had so many questions: why was she so convinced things couldn't work out between us? Was my behaviour the direct culprit? Did I misinterpret the intensity of our romance? Did she really want to continue talking to me (I sensed she wasn't genuine about the offer)? I tried to convey that in an audio message, but all of you readers are probably already thinking: you just keep on escalating the situation and you should have stopped ages ago. And I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I had a lot of conversations about all this with family, camino friends and other friends and the support has been incredible. All the advice has been positive and constructive: see her as your teacher; you're learning that you need to let go and not force things; you're learning that you can still love and be loved; consider the beauty of this week-long romance; you're learning that love has to happen to you and you shouldn't seek it out.

I'm extremely grateful for the advice, but the devil on my shoulder keeps saying 'You yourself are responsible for all this. Now go and victimise yourself. ' I'm afraid that I've pushed someone away and that I may have lost a potential great Camino friend. I want to just let her go and learn from the Camino. But I feel like griefing over this.

Thank you for reading all this. I'd like to ask you: what do you think I should do? I feel so sad, so very very sad.

 

[K_Lynn]

People come into our lives and leave our lives all the time. Your questions are best discussed with your therapist. Buen Camino.

 

[Rwish]

Be thankful for the experience, learn from it, apply what you’ve learned and move forward. She was not the one. You will meet many more people and the right person for you is in your future. As with the Camino the journey is what makes the destination a reality. Enjoy your unique and special life’s journey.

 

[CarolamS]

I have heard what you say. I have no answers. You might find talking with a therapist helpful. Best wishes.

 

[SabsP]

Camino is like Life itself: the good, the bad & the ugly.
You take it as it comes. You take decisions or you don't.
As others already mentioned it might be better to talk it through with a counsellor or therapist.

 

[KFH]

What is your age? Any good advice should be tailored to your age.

 

[Stephan the Painter]

This has all happened in the past two weeks between finishing the Camino and coming home, so it's still fresh and technically open-ended, but the energy I get from her is negative. This is a very personal account. If it's at all possible, I'd like you to be empathetic with me and don't judge. Being human can be tough.

I'm trying to deal with letting go of a person I became intimate with for about a week.

Thank you for reading all this. I'd like to ask you: what do you think I should do? I feel so sad, so very very sad.

I can feel your pain.
I also had a nice week long romance on the Camino in 2022 that I had hoped would become something more serious.
But it didn't.
My story: Maybe it was something I did? Maybe the woman had another relationship back home? Maybe it was always just a fling? Maybe she does this all the time? Maybe she thought it was something special and realized that it wasn't after a week? Maybe I scared her off?

Who knows? Only time heals romantic pain, nothing else works. Probably not even a therapist, IMO.

I hope your pain passes quickly, and at some future date, you view it as a grand part of a great adventure you had in Spain. As I do now.

 

[KariannNor]

I can so understand your pain and frustrastion. Thank you for being so open about your experiences. Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting. These are, unfortunately, normal, human feelings, and they should not be made sick by implying that one should seek professional help.
I have experienced, not the same, but something similar. I think that, for some, the Camino (meaning us, doing it) can intensify emotions. And, that afterwards, we can reflect on why we reacted and felt/feel this way, and learn something about ourself from it. At least that's how it was for me. But painful, oh yes it is!

 

[VNwalking]

what do you think I should do? I feel so sad, so very very sad

No need to do anything. The sadness is natural. Just allow it to be there with space and kindness, doing whatever you need to do to keep from getting lost in it. Mostly that means feeling while ignoring the repetetive thinking about what happened.

Life can suck sometimes - that's natural too, hot a personal fault. The pain does get better, eventually, if you can let everything flow.

 

[ginniek]

The only advice I have is stop blaming yourself for anything and everything. That includes not analyzing every word and every action to determine if you could have/should have done each thing differently/better.

 

[Jarrad]

what do you think I should do?

Pfft. Her loss, move on. Use a good deodorant soap, comb your hair, and get back out there!

 

[trecile]

Thank you for being so open about your experiences. Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting.

I didn't find either of these responses insulting.

People come into our lives and leave our lives all the time. Your questions are best discussed with your therapist. Buen Camino.

I have heard what you say. I have no answers. You might find talking with a therapist helpful. Best wishes.

 

[Dani7]

Grief is oh so personal but necessary for the healing to begin. Like @VNwalking said with such empathy.. be kind to yourself without losing yourself. It takes courage to express such personal experiences and emotions. Let your courage carry you forward so your heart can love again…and it will…because that’s what hearts do

 

[ShoshTrvls]

I can so understand your pain and frustrastion. Thank you for being so open about your experiences. Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting. These are, unfortunately, normal, human feelings, and they should not be made sick by implying that one should seek professional help.

One does not need to be “sick” to benefit from seeing a therapist. Your attitude about when and why someone might seek a professional to help them process their feelings is what is both insulting and not helpful, both here and in general.

 

[Gobsmacked by the World]

Pfft. Her loss, move on. Use a good deodorant soap, comb your hair, and get back out there!

The above advice is not flippancy. Rumination is your enemy. I know it is mine and when it wins, a black dog comes and bites me.

 

[kptorrahk]

What is your age? Any good advice should be tailored to your age.

I'm 40 years old. But I'm not a typical 40 year old for a variety of reasons. I guess the others are right and I should see a therapist.

Thank you for the answers. I think I needed to hear what I already knew to be true.

 

[kptorrahk]

Grief is oh so personal but necessary for the healing to begin. Like @VNwalking said with such empathy.. be kind to yourself without losing yourself. It takes courage to express such personal experiences and emotions. Let your courage carry you forward so your heart can love again…and it will…because that’s what hearts do

That's such a sweet message. Thank you from the heart!

 

[kptorrahk]

The only advice I have is stop blaming yourself for anything and everything. That includes not analyzing every word and every action to determine if you could have/should have done each thing differently/better.

I know, thank you. I realised before that even though it feels it may have been the most intimately rewarding and deep connection of my life it still takes two people to keep this going, and trying to control the situation doesn't help anybody. If at all, we need silence and patience now.
I find acceptance perhaps the most difficult: that this meaningful connection will go nowhere. That the potential I see is lost on the other. But it's true that I don't truly know her current mindset and rumination about it will only get me further down the black hole.

 

[kptorrahk]

No need to do anything. The sadness is natural. Just allow it to be there with space and kindness, doing whatever you need to do to keep from getting lost in it. Mostly that means feeling while ignoring the repetetive thinking about what happened.

Life can suck sometimes - that's natural too, hot a personal fault. The pain does get better, eventually, if you can let everything flow.

I see you've also walked the Baztan+Frances
I'm trying to keep remembering the poem by Rumi about being human being a guest house, where every emotion, good or bad is welcomed with open arms: https://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poem/guest-house/

 

[Kirkie]

I see you've also walked the Baztan+Frances
I'm trying to keep remembering the poem by Rumi about being human being a guest house, where every emotion, good or bad is welcomed with open arms: https://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poem/guest-house/

It takes the Scots, she says with pride!
Mind yourself, sonny!
Watch a strand, keep watching.
The waves will obliterate... your heart will feel, but gradually, you will be able to absorb and move on. Never forgetting, but always, moving on. Wait.

 

[duncanwhyte]

As long as there's no likelihood of her getting pregnant, by you, you're scot free. And that's a fair outcome. Your heart will mend, after wandering like a love sick poet upon those fair hills of Espana......

She wasn't the one, It was just your turn....

 

[hunsta]

Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting. These are, unfortunately, normal, human feelings, and they should not be made sick by implying that one should seek professional help.

Im glad Im not the only one.

 

[Sd217]

We are all pilgrims no one means to demean, or ridicule if you disagree with someone else,s view please be kind

 

[Kathy F.]

Oh, the heart, the heart. The searching, the longing, the joy, the loss.
When you think you have finally found what you have been longing for, and then it seems to slip away, sadness is the only reasonable emotion.
Perhaps you don't need a therapist, just a friend.
Since you seem like a fairly reasonable person, I think in your heart of heart you know what to do. Pursue reasonably, with compassion, space and kindness, or move on with gratitude for the joy and happiness you felt and realize that you are capable of loving and being loved.
Buen Camino - my heart is with you.

 

[Chito]

Having gratitude for a wonderful week with another wonderful human seems like the direction I would try to go. Buen Camino

 

[t2andreo]

If the Camino can be said to be an metaphor for life, writ large, you just had a heaping, big life lesson.

Learn from it, cherish the good times. Over time, the sadness will dissipate. Life, like the Camino, goes on.

Like others have said, if you need a third party to talk to to help process your feelings, do seek out a therapist, minister, etc., if you think they might be able to help you cope with your feelings.

From everything you wrote in the OP, I have the impression that the "ghosting" in this scenario may have been intentional. Telling you that she was going into "radio silence" for the duration of her Camino, was a polite way of saying goodbye, at least IMHO. I might be wrong, but, in my many decades, I have dealt with every sort of rejection possible from former wives, fiancees and girlfriends. In my long experience, and in my opinion, you got off relatively lucky.

Put the shoe on the other foot. If you were trying to dissuade a persistent female suitor, what WOULD you have done? If you consider the range of possible strategies for splitting up, this is among the least combative or aggressive ways to part.

Going silent, then drifting apart, over time is a popular way in the popular culture for ending a relationship. It may not be direct, or necessarily mature, but it does work, and usually, with minimal drama.

I sincerely recommend that you chalk this on up to experience. Just be more circumspect next time.

My final observation is that falling "In love - or lust - takes two." What happened, happened. In the times, in which we live, it is not at all uncommon for the woman to be the protagonist. That appears to have been the case here.

Please don't judge her. Just forgive her, and move on. Life is beautiful. The Camino remains for you. The next time, walk a different route, perhaps at a different time. Allow it to heal you.

Hope this helps,

Tom

 

[MichelleElynHogan]

She gave you a test. After a week or two, if she had not contacted you, it would have been over anyway. Sending messages did not serve your hopeful wishes. Relationships cannot be forced.

When will you go on your next pilgrimage? That is the place to work on yourself, when you are on your own... the best therapist for everyone?

 

[rioja routard]

Maybe you were investing too much in the relationship as you set out that intention in the first place of encountering someone and the more you sent her messages the more it widened the gap between you.
Better to have just had fun and not to wear your heart on your sleeve but I feel your pain after some bad break ups in my life. Take time out for your, grieve what you consider to be your loss and believe in yourself. Go well pilgrim.

 

[jsanwe]

I can so understand your pain and frustrastion. Thank you for being so open about your experiences. Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting. These are, unfortunately, normal, human feelings, and they should not be made sick by implying that one should seek professional help.
I have experienced, not the same, but something similar. I think that, for some, the Camino (meaning us, doing it) can intensify emotions. And, that afterwards, we can reflect on why we reacted and felt/feel this way, and learn something about ourself from it. At least that's how it was for me. But painful, oh yes it is!

I cordially disagree with the notion that seeking professional help from someone trained to help a person process their feelings indicates a deficiency on the part of the person seeking help. It may not be the best or the only way, but it is a valid way.

 

[Gadflyparexcellence]

I'm 40 years old. But I'm not a typical 40 year old for a variety of reasons. I guess the others are right and I should see a therapist.

Thank you for the answers. I think I needed to hear what I already knew to be true.

Perhaps you could take comfort from the Alfred Lord Tennyson quotation that reads: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

[Tony Lenton]

This has all happened in the past two weeks between finishing the Camino and coming home, so it's still fresh and technically open-ended, but the energy I get from her is negative. This is a very personal account. If it's at all possible, I'd like you to be empathetic with me and don't judge. Being human can be tough.

I'm trying to deal with letting go of a person I became intimate with for about a week. I need to add that after 1/3 of my Camino an idea crept into my mind: that I might meet my significant other on the Camino. It wouldn't leave my mind. To find a partner has been a big desire of my life and at the forefront of my thoughts for many years. And so I primed my brain for flirtatious behaviour.

So, on the Camino Francés I had been walking with her off an on since Grañon. We were joking around and were in touch all the time, even the many days when I was far ahead of her. In Leon we started to flirt. In Foncebadon we both had a very emotional session with a church volunteer; when we went to bed we ended up kissing and that started off an intense week together. We bared our souls to each other, we released our inner childs together joking around while walking, we talked about our deepest vulnerabilities and we surrendered to the moment.

But after that week she picked up the courage to tell me she needed to finish walking into Santiago and to Finisterre alone, because she really needed time and space to deal with her issues. It took me by surprise, I won't lie. It hadn't been my intention to develop feelings for her, but that was happening exactly around this time. But of course I couldn't say no to such a simple and logical pilgrim request - we all need to walk our own Camino and we are just passersby after all.

What I didn't realise - and a vital detail that we didn't discuss - was that she also needed complete radio silence from anybody (me included). So suddenly she was not only physically detached from me, but she stopped replying to my messages. The first time it took her 2 days to respond. I should have asked then and there about the radio silence, but I didn't think about it. Asking advice from fellow camino friends, I was told by several people to let her have the space, don't force it and not keep sending messages.

But my mind was in turmoil. We had been sending messages so intensively for such a long time, my emotions got the better of me. I would send messages, delete them later, resend other messages. My longing, sadness and ego got the better of me. It took her another 3 days to respond. We were both walking towards the sea at that time, but in different directions, so during those days my blissful solitude had turned into an aching feeling of loneliness. I did suddenly meet her on the way to Muxia from the opposite direction and she comforted me, but she clearly wanted to get moving again and too many things were left unsaid.

By the time she sent me an audio message I had already left Muxia/Santiago and was on my way home. She explained how the more I had sent messages, the less she had felt inclined to reply, because it saturated her mind, while she was looking to disconnect from others and connect with herself. But she also complimented me in detail how important I had been to her on the Camino, but that it was never real love, and couldn't be that in the future. The message was clear: we each needed to walk our own way.

Again, in pilgrim-land this happens all the time. You have intense moments with people but then they're free to go at any time. But I was emotionally invested. I couldn't let go. I had so many questions: why was she so convinced things couldn't work out between us? Was my behaviour the direct culprit? Did I misinterpret the intensity of our romance? Did she really want to continue talking to me (I sensed she wasn't genuine about the offer)? I tried to convey that in an audio message, but all of you readers are probably already thinking: you just keep on escalating the situation and you should have stopped ages ago. And I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I had a lot of conversations about all this with family, camino friends and other friends and the support has been incredible. All the advice has been positive and constructive: see her as your teacher; you're learning that you need to let go and not force things; you're learning that you can still love and be loved; consider the beauty of this week-long romance; you're learning that love has to happen to you and you shouldn't seek it out.

I'm extremely grateful for the advice, but the devil on my shoulder keeps saying 'You yourself are responsible for all this. Now go and victimise yourself. ' I'm afraid that I've pushed someone away and that I may have lost a potential great Camino friend. I want to just let her go and learn from the Camino. But I feel like griefing over this.

Thank you for reading all this. I'd like to ask you: what do you think I should do? I feel so sad, so very very sad.

You need to respect her expressed wishes. We can all fall in love/develop an infatuation at any stage of our lives. Whatever our own feelings you have to give primacy to the wishes and feelings of others. Just be glad for what you had but, please, move on!

 

[John Crawford Howell]

Not to be flippant, but since you are in Madrid, wander over to Plaza Santa Ana, go into La Cervezeria Alemana, and enjoy a few Cañas. It worked for me many many years ago. It worked for Hemingway. Go now. They are open all days except Tuesday. Keep a journal.

 

[mike105]

Thanks for sharing. It took a lot of courage to bear your sole like you did. I think you're also a very good writer.
Unfortunately we tend to beat ourselves up too often in life. You are lucky. You have had a great camino experience. I think she was pretty clear that it wasn't love and won't ever be...and again, that's something humans are good at, looking for hidden meaning in something clearly said.
So be glad you had this experience, learn from it and apply the lessons to future situations.
I would also like to add people don't always go to therapy because there is something wrong with them. It can be an effective way to work through your feelings about an obviously important event in your life.

 

[WalkingInGers]

I can so understand your pain and frustrastion. Thank you for being so open about your experiences. Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting. These are, unfortunately, normal, human feelings, and they should not be made sick by implying that one should seek professional help.
I have experienced, not the same, but something similar. I think that, for some, the Camino (meaning us, doing it) can intensify emotions. And, that afterwards, we can reflect on why we reacted and felt/feel this way, and learn something about ourself from it. At least that's how it was for me. But painful, oh yes it is!

I agree with you on the answers found here to “see your therapist.”That is insulting and shows a complete lack of something.. IMHO.

 

[Turga]

Oh!...well.....enjoy!

 

[curlylottie]

I think if I were in your situation, I would ask myself, Why is it so important to hold on to her? What in me is so desperate for that connection, and why? How is it serving me to want her so badly? I mean, all of us wants connection—for sure—but it sounds like this got deep into you. Again, if it was me, I’d suspect that my longing had more to do with something *other* than the woman or the relationship, and I’d try to explore and understand (and honor!) that.

 

[Joynz]

What is your age? Any good advice should be tailored to your age.

In affairs of the heart and flings of the body I tend to find that age is irrelevant! The heart wants what the heart wants…and the emotions can be similar at all ages…

 

[Joynz]

I think this is the powerful effect of holiday romance. And a normal part of grieving a short, intense relationship that didn’t have a good ending.

On holiday, emotions are heightened. Possibilities seem to expand. And intersect that with a Camino…being in a foreign country… and physically passing through the landscape with another who is sharing your deep experience is a hugely powerful thing.

I suggest that you keep letting yourself ‘feel the feelings’. It’s not the lost romance alone that we grieve, but the possibilities, the person we were and felt we could be in that moment…

It’s sounds like it was quite recent - so allow time for things to settle down.

I strongly suggest also keeping busy - working or volunteering so you don’t mull or blame yourself too much.

And maybe consider other ways to meet someone for romance - or even a fling.

 

[David Tallan]

I don't have any great answers. When a relationship ends, it is always hard, at least from the perspective of the one on the receiving end of the ending (I don't have any experience to speak from on the ending side, but plenty on the receiving side, although not recently). As with any grieving process, time will help.

I've seen some discussion about the use of a therapist. First it was recommended, then @KariannNor pushed back with:

Answers like "see a therapist" I find downright insulting. These are, unfortunately, normal, human feelings, and they should not be made sick by implying that one should seek professional help.

I can see where she is coming from. These are normal feelings, not an illness. If the "see a therapist" responses were offered in the spirit of "Don't come to the forum for medical advice; see your doctor", as we sometimes see in the medical sub-forum, they would be uncalled for.

Yet I am also aware of many people who have been really helped by therapy in dealing with their normal, human feelings. I don't want to dismiss the help these people have received. A therapist can act as a coach, as well as a doctor.

I see you have decided to follow the advice to see a therapist. As you said:

I think I needed to hear what I already knew to be true.

I hope this path is good for you and brings you peace.

 

[JDKOcean]

This has all happened in the past two weeks between finishing the Camino and coming home, so it's still fresh and technically open-ended, but the energy I get from her is negative. This is a very personal account. If it's at all possible, I'd like you to be empathetic with me and don't judge. Being human can be tough.

I'm trying to deal with letting go of a person I became intimate with for about a week. I need to add that after 1/3 of my Camino an idea crept into my mind: that I might meet my significant other on the Camino. It wouldn't leave my mind. To find a partner has been a big desire of my life and at the forefront of my thoughts for many years. And so I primed my brain for flirtatious behaviour.

So, on the Camino Francés I had been walking with her off an on since Grañon. We were joking around and were in touch all the time, even the many days when I was far ahead of her. In Leon we started to flirt. In Foncebadon we both had a very emotional session with a church volunteer; when we went to bed we ended up kissing and that started off an intense week together. We bared our souls to each other, we released our inner childs together joking around while walking, we talked about our deepest vulnerabilities and we surrendered to the moment.

But after that week she picked up the courage to tell me she needed to finish walking into Santiago and to Finisterre alone, because she really needed time and space to deal with her issues. It took me by surprise, I won't lie. It hadn't been my intention to develop feelings for her, but that was happening exactly around this time. But of course I couldn't say no to such a simple and logical pilgrim request - we all need to walk our own Camino and we are just passersby after all.

What I didn't realise - and a vital detail that we didn't discuss - was that she also needed complete radio silence from anybody (me included). So suddenly she was not only physically detached from me, but she stopped replying to my messages. The first time it took her 2 days to respond. I should have asked then and there about the radio silence, but I didn't think about it. Asking advice from fellow camino friends, I was told by several people to let her have the space, don't force it and not keep sending messages.

But my mind was in turmoil. We had been sending messages so intensively for such a long time, my emotions got the better of me. I would send messages, delete them later, resend other messages. My longing, sadness and ego got the better of me. It took her another 3 days to respond. We were both walking towards the sea at that time, but in different directions, so during those days my blissful solitude had turned into an aching feeling of loneliness. I did suddenly meet her on the way to Muxia from the opposite direction and she comforted me, but she clearly wanted to get moving again and too many things were left unsaid.

By the time she sent me an audio message I had already left Muxia/Santiago and was on my way home. She explained how the more I had sent messages, the less she had felt inclined to reply, because it saturated her mind, while she was looking to disconnect from others and connect with herself. But she also complimented me in detail how important I had been to her on the Camino, but that it was never real love, and couldn't be that in the future. The message was clear: we each needed to walk our own way.

Again, in pilgrim-land this happens all the time. You have intense moments with people but then they're free to go at any time. But I was emotionally invested. I couldn't let go. I had so many questions: why was she so convinced things couldn't work out between us? Was my behaviour the direct culprit? Did I misinterpret the intensity of our romance? Did she really want to continue talking to me (I sensed she wasn't genuine about the offer)? I tried to convey that in an audio message, but all of you readers are probably already thinking: you just keep on escalating the situation and you should have stopped ages ago. And I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I had a lot of conversations about all this with family, camino friends and other friends and the support has been incredible. All the advice has been positive and constructive: see her as your teacher; you're learning that you need to let go and not force things; you're learning that you can still love and be loved; consider the beauty of this week-long romance; you're learning that love has to happen to you and you shouldn't seek it out.

I'm extremely grateful for the advice, but the devil on my shoulder keeps saying 'You yourself are responsible for all this. Now go and victimise yourself. ' I'm afraid that I've pushed someone away and that I may have lost a potential great Camino friend. I want to just let her go and learn from the Camino. But I feel like griefing over this.

Thank you for reading all this. I'd like to ask you: what do you think I should do? I feel so sad, so very very sad.

People who come into our lives for a season - are usually for a reason, and it can be theirs, not yours.

 

[HBS60]

Ah, I so relate! I’m 64 years old and relationships have always been an issue for me. I finally figured out that for me to have a healthy relationship with others, I need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself. I can’t expect someone else to fill my needs, fix my issues, or cure my loneliness, that’s my job. It is hard to reconcile this with the very human need for intimacy and connection. My SO died of cancer 10 years ago (the reason for my current Camino), and during that decade, I’ve avoided relationships as I’ve been “closed for repairs”. Been through a lot of therapy, some good, some not so good, some really bad, but I learned lessons from all of that. Now that I’m emerging from all that turmoil, I’m very cautious about how I go about fulfilling my legitimate need for human connection. The Camino is giving me an opportunity to dip my toes in the water, because “easy does it”.
So, please learn to love yourself so you’ll be OK no matter what.
I hope something here is helpful!

 

[KFH]

I'm 40 years old. But I'm not a typical 40 year old for a variety of reasons. I guess the others are right and I should see a therapist.

Thank you for the answers. I think I needed to hear what I already knew to be true.

In which ways are you not a typical 40 year old?

Generally, speaking, I'd start with questions such as -- Have you exhibited this sort of behavior before?

By that I mean-- Have you gone through any similar emotional journeys regarding a partner or potential partner?

Are you still pining for someone else who, in your mind, "broke your heart" years ago?

Do you get attached to potential partners too easily?

Is this out of the blue for you? Did your reaction take you by surprise? Did your connection to this person take you by surprise or was that predictable behavior by you?

You said in the opener:

an idea crept into my mind: that I might meet my significant other on the Camino. It wouldn't leave my mind. To find a partner has been a big desire of my life and at the forefront of my thoughts for many years. And so I primed my brain for flirtatious behaviour.

This is the key to understanding your behavior during and after the Camino.

Two quick things which form a base on which to heal:

1- Don't be too hard on yourself. You are a good person deserving of love from yourself and from others.
2- She is not interested anymore. Stop going back and forth in your mind about her. Focus on you. Not in a "Woe is me" way but in a confident self assessment which will help you as you move forward.

 

[trecile]

@kptorrahk has received support and advice. To keep the thread from devolving into speculation it is now closed.

 

[kptorrahk]

I recently posted about my recent troubles with finding romance on the Camino (I finished the 25th August). I'll give you a short recap and a twist that happened 2 days ago.

I had discovered after about 10 days in on the Camino how set I was on finding a partner on the Camino. Consciously this hadn't been my intention. I met several girls along the way and I noticed every time how easy I was taken by the charm of deep conversation. The idea started to form 'What if I met my life partner this Camino?'

There was a Czech woman I met in Hontanas and we sensed an instant connection but then lost sight of each other. I kept asking the Universe to see her again and suddenly we met just before Leon, talking for 4h straight about topics she had allegedly never talked about with someone. I knew she was taking a train to Oviedo though because she wanted to continue solo on the Primitivo. But I gifted her a medallion to protect her with the idea we would meet again before or in Santiago. I noticed then how much feelings of hope coursed through my body.

I had also walked with a Spanish girl on and off since Granon for about 3 weeks, sharing a lot of banter through whatsapp. 13 years my junior in her late twenties I had so far considered her a camino friend. But she had been trying to catch up with me for about 10 days. So just a few hours after my teary-eyed goodbye to the Czech woman I had agreed to meet up with her and we spent hours talking in a park in Leon. There was light flirting going on from both sides and considering some heavy stuff she had confided in me I felt the urge to tell her if she knew that she was beautiful. At that point I said it without any intentions (my mind was with the Czech woman), but we both felt like sticking together now.

Between Leon and Foncebadon we talked about everything. She entrusted me with some shocking life stories. We spent some days alone and that was also fine. All the while my mind was filled with the memory of the Czech woman and we exchanged messages now and then.

Foncebadon changed everything. The volunteer in the Domus Dei albergue led a very intense ceremony that moved even pilgrims that hadn't cried in decades, and then she functioned as a counsellor to everyone. I went into an uncontrollable fit of sobbing admitting how sad I was to be 40, without partner or family of my own, and how obsessed I was about the Czech woman. The Spanish girl also cried. I knew the Cruz del Ferro was coming up and that evening I decided I needed to let her go and be more in the present.

BUT, in a stroke of fate the Universe had some tricks up their sleeve. I think the sincerity, vulnerability and release of emotions had drawn me and the Spanish girl together and that night we were drawn to sleeping in the actual sept of the chapel (it was an option to avoid snorers). We laid close to each other and I felt drawn to her, so I made the first move. From that moment on romance ensued for a week.

I did fulfill my intention at the Cruz del Ferro but now there was a person that filled me with joy. It was beautiful, it was sweet, it was intense. I had relinquished my fixation - or so I thought - so there was no plan; just the present happiness.

But oh how badly I was mentally prepared for the shock that came two days before Santiago: she professed to wanting to walk into and beyond Santiago alone; to walk her Camino in her own mind, undisturbed. How did I crumble, the man that had thought himself so changed. I couldn't think straight, became a weak mess. Of course I would allow her that; that is the Camino after all. But my mind was despairing. Within an hour the conversation was over and she was gone. And I continued walking shellshocked.

Those days into Santiago and towards Muxia were extremely hard on the mind, but I still had many good moments. Hope reigned I would see her again later. But this hope was dashed more every day. She became almost completely radio silent (I learned later that she had intended to continue on flight mode for her peace of mind, but we hadn't discussed this) which was a shrill contrast with all the weeks before. I had no way of knowing how she experienced the Camino anymore because she didn't share it with me. And against all the advice of Camino friends the only way I could respond was by sending her more and more messages of my own, hoping to elicit a response. In my state of despair I had asked the Universe to see her again and I did (!) between Lires and Muxia. I cried and she comforted me, but she felt distant and we said our goodbyes. We each went different directions; how poetic. It took her a week to respond with a long audio message (full of praise, lessons and kindness). By that time I had already left the Camino.

It's been two weeks since that day and oh my, how much have I learned and grown in this period. I have had many online conversations and have shared audio messages with my Camino Family, volunteers met on the Camino, people on this forum and other friends, I've taken up meditation and I notice that I'm making more conscious choices to do things I really like instead of procrastinating. I feel an immense amount of gratitude for the support and help offered by everyone

But remember the twist I talked about? I couldn't help myself checking the girl's instagram on a daily basis for updates. And two days ago I clicked her profile picture and she was watching a beautiful sunset... with a guy, not in Camino clothes. But not just any guy. No, I had seen this guy walking with her when I ran into her between Lires and Muxia. And the post said how lucky she felt. Now everything fell into place. Her compilation video mentioning encountering love on the Camino, that same video with both of them at Finisterre smiling at each other, my gut feeling that had felt energy between them when I met them.

The girl that had confessed to me she had never been in love in her life, is now in love. Did I pave the way? I like to think I did. And in time though meditation I'm sure I can muster the happiness for them. But at the moment I'm still grieving. And writing a lot to learn from this Camino. Because that it has been a transformative experience is a certainty.

Oh btw, about the Czech woman. Sharing my emotional outburst at Foncebadon with her somehow scared her off. She said it would be better to work on myself before engaging in a relationship, and then her messages dwindled. She's probably not wrong.

I said it would be short. I lied. But writing lets me process things. I hope you enjoyed reading my account!

I love this forum but I wish there were more posts like this that bring to fore the mental hardships and rewards of the Camino. Because in the end how it affects us internally is what's it all about right?
I intend to reflect and write more