How to tell my parents?

[elatkd1]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

 

[SabsP]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

Indeed , you are an adult and in theory you do not need permission from your parents.

I see you asked this question also last year. The various recommendations are still valid I believe.

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/how-to-get-my-parents-permission-to-go.74012/

Talk to them in the adult and calm way you yourself want to be talked to.

For what it is worth : it is a parents job to be worried. It is in their DNA .

Deal with the situation like you would handle all other lifequestions you talked about together.
Do not make this bigger than it is.

 

[J Willhaus]

Are you living at your parent's home or your own. If you are on your own, you can just plan to let them know the day before or the day of your travel. Keep it light, don't argue and let them know how you will keep in touch.

If you live with them, it may be more difficult to separate their feelings for you as a child and as a young woman.

Stay safe and buen camino!

 

[Dani7]

Speaking from my own youth and experience in general, being the good little girl…and never wanting to displease or disappoint or hurt anyone and for sure…don’t make waves…I can tell you this…it is hard to be true to yourself and always be that good little girl. Sometimes you can swing it all and sometimes you just have to jump off the dock into the cold water.

Your choice will be made based on what you can live with. Your parents love you and they will worry but they will always love you and no matter how old you get…they will always worry. That’s what parents do.

 

[K_Lynn]

"I leave for Camino next Tuesday. It's a short Camino only 10 days of walking and I'll be back home on the Xth. You can reach me via xx or yy and I'll be posting updates on zzz. "

I don't understand the issue. I do understand that parents worry, especially about international travel and all the possibilities of things that can happen, but if you've already made the arrangements put on your Big Girl panties and just tell them.

 

[irishrock]

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I saw someone have a difficult conversation with their father one time

 

[Lindsay53]

You have said it yourself, you are a 19 year old woman. You are not a child and are able and expected to make your own decisions. It's natural that your parents are concerned about you so a good way to approach this would be to explain the Camino to them, adressing their specific concerns. Show them different websites, explain that thousands of young people make this journey and you intend to be one of them. It may be difficult but bear in mind you are addressing their concerns, not asking permission.

 

[MinaKamina]

Well, if you still haven't told your parents and you are apparently afraid of your grandparents, plus you changed your plans from last year from the Inglés to the CP from Porto ( where they do not speak Spanish btw, try to learn some Portugués) and you ask this forum again for advice, my pagan impression is that you won't be going anytime soon.

So there is no need to tell your parents anything at all, a happy side benefit.

Buen Camino, whenever that may be!

 

[Kgaynor]

That first assertion of your own needs & desires is hard - for you & your parents. At 19, you no longer need their blessing to go walk. If you have the financial means & the time, then go walk. You can’t control your parents’ reaction when you tell them. They will have to process that on their own. Just be calm and firm. You can explain all the reasons why you are going, your preparation and how you intend to be cautious and safe. Just clearly understand that you aren’t asking permission.

Enjoy your walk!

 

[henrythedog]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

Send them a postcard from Santiago.

 

[good_old_shoes]

I do understand the issue.

For my first Camino I was considering not telling anyone and only leaving a note on the kitchen table, "I'm off then", because I knew what the reaction to my planned journey would be like, no matter how old I was, how well I had researched and planned everything (including plan b to z, just in case). They found out shortly before, though, and all the drama I wanted to avoid rained down on me, and no, all my research, guide books, albergue lists, spreadsheets ect. didn't help much. I was bombarded non-stop with all the awful things that might go wrong, just until the moment the bus door closed behind me. It was all out of good intentions I'm sure, but not exactly helpful, and I can imagine that for some people such reactions might make them doubt and cancel their plans.

I went anyway, best decision ever!

Buen Camino!

 

[Anniesantiago]

When I was 17, I ran away to the Caribbean from California.
Just tell them, then go.
It's your life.
They'll get over it.
That's my advice at 70 now.

 

[OTH86]

Share/watch the movie The Way with your folks, and be ready to answer their questions. The more information they have...
Buen Camino!

 

[dick bird]

I notice you ask 'how' not 'whether' which suggests that you have firmly decided to go. The sooner you tell them the better. They'll suspect something is afoot anyway when they see you packing your backpack.

 

[Saint Mike II]

Hola @elatkd1 Welcome to the Forum.
As many have said this is a decision for you to make. Share the DVD of The Way will give your family some insight to what the Camino as all about, especially those lines by the French policeman - The Way is a very personal journey.
Before 2015 I would have said the any of the caminos were some of the safest international vacation you could have. Now with COVID it is essential that you take a few more precautions. For me Portugal is a favourite country and as has been said the Port Camino can be done in under two weeks. Maybe invite your mother to have coffee or a glass of wine and just tell how you feel, that you are a responsible adult and you wish to spread your wings (just a little). Buen Camino

 

[zenofmatthew]

Much of what one does between 17 and 25 can be forgiven as "young and finding oneself." No one is expecting a cure for world hunger or peace in the middle east from you before then. If you have the financial means, go. If you're dependent on them, that's where things get sticky. It's like they said on the Magic School Bus-make mistakes, get dirty. You'll have a lot of years where this becomes increasingly difficult.

 

[WGroleau]

… to the CP from Porto ( where they do not speak Spanish btw, try to learn some Portugués) …

For what it's worth, I had a long conversation with a Brazilian. He understood my Spanish, and I understood his Portuguese. YMMV.

 

[Robo]

All through life there are those around us who try to hold us back.

It is usually well intentioned, as they conjure up all the things that could go wrong and try to 'protect' us.

At every major life decision I faced it. But after explaining my reasons, followed my own choices. Usually they came to recognise I had made the right decision.

Don't let others steal your dreams....

So share your plans, and how well you are prepared......and go.

 

[SayaTibi2023]

Maybe this moment is already part of your Camino
A journey when new self-awareness is born
Wherever I go whichever path I take, I am always there
Carrying my own baggage, some useful, some not
Some relics from a previous journey, from a previous relationship
May have served well before, but haven't I grown since then
The Camino is that new awareness, fledgling at first
Of the baggage I carry now, of what I can let go of now
Can be hard to let go, to take a step on this unseen ground
Maybe there is some baggage you can let go of
To lighten your load and brighten your way

 

[Former member 108241]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

I look forward to reading your post from Porto next week! Good luck, you've got this.

 

[Roland49]

Without questioning the parenting style of your parents and your bonds to your parents, you don't need their consent!

You are a selfaware grownup until you tell me otherwise.
Just go for it! But be aware that any action might force reactions.

Have a "Plan B" at hand.
Lighten your soul and lighten your backpack!
Take care of your feet!
Turn around and look back from time to time.
Taste the local food and wine!
And enjoy your walk and the experience of a Camino!
Have fun!

Bom Caminho!

 

[camino_rooky]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

Maybe ask your Mother if she would like to go with you?

 

[Sharonih]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

Though I am older my parents thought I was crazy, I showed them some YouTube videos and explained that I understood they weren’t fathoming why I would want to do this but I was going to do it regardless. For me the end result was that I heard negative /sanity questioning comments till I left but since I came back they are still raving about the fact I walked 800 km and had the most amazing experience.

 

[antepacem]

Reading between the lines, and based on some of the other info (you wanted to go last year and didn't), it sounds like you are in a family situation where you are going to need to learn to set firm boundaries. The good news is that you know that you want to be free and you have ideas about how to do it - heading off to university, planning a camino, trying to figure out the best way to do what you want while also being kind to those who may not be supporting you in your growth as an autonomous, independent adult.

My advice would be to get all of your ducks in a row, get packed up, and tell them the night before you leave. The earlier you tell them, the more time they will have to rain drama on you and/or attempt to convince you not to go. Tell, don't ask. And let them know that they are welcome to as much or as little information as they like - so long as they behave.

This is a perfect opportunity to start setting the boundaries you're going to need for the rest of your life - when you choose a major they don't think is a good idea, when you choose a partner they don't like, when you move somewhere they didn't want you to, when you get a job they don't respect, when you choose how or whether to have a family of your own. The sooner you start, the easier it will be when things much bigger than a trip come between your modes of thinking.

You've got this. You are brave and courageous. Get 'er done.

 

[PhxRiles]

From "Whistler's Way" by William Monk, hiking the PCT. Very appropriate to a lot of situations these days. We all walk our own Camino.

THAT IS YOU, THIS IS ME​

I've listened to what you’ve had to say,
But let me be clear to you today.
I may go fast, while you go slow.
Who is right? We neither know.
I wake each day with my goal,
While your days are a random roll.
To judge each other, we are free,
But please remember, that is you, this is me.
_________________________

You're in charge of your life. Go, enjoy, and Buen Camino! You'll be glad you went!

 

[joyvj]

 

[Tagg23]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

We just spent 35 days walking St.John to Santiago and will tell you the amount of single women walking was amazing!! They all seem to find each other, travel together and everyone looks out for each other! I come from California and know it’s very scary as a parent to “allow” your child to walk “alone” but you are far from alone. You walk with the same people, meet new people, stay in places night after night and just know you are well looked after! Our daughter would love to walk the Camino and we strongly encourage it! A lifetime of experiences and friend you will forever. Please assure your parents that this journey is safer than the big cities.
You will come back a stronger more confident woman and have a good sense of yourself.
PLEASE GO!!!!tell your parents to call me!
Buon Camino! Stay strong !!!

 

[Globetrottingpilgrim2010]

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I saw someone have a difficult conversation with their father one time

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I saw someone have a difficult conversation with their father one time

“You don’t choose a life, you live a life.”

 

[JRO]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

Sometimes this type of difficulty can be cultural if your culture encourages young women to live at home till marriage, or to be family dependent. So that could be an issue in your case (you didn't say....). You've been considering this for a long time, and it sounds like you are financially able to do it on your own and have done necessary research. I am not sure that more talking or explaining will help you - in fact, if you have to do this in person, you may be shamed or talked out of it. Consider whether you could call enroute, or leave a note or letter. I might suggest leaving your family a book about the CP, maybe one where they could follow your progress. When my husband and son did the CF, we had identical books and I was able to read exactly what they were seeing, etc. It really helped with the nerves! No matter what, I think you've got this! (PS - My daughter did the CF by herself right after graduation....she still says best thing she ever did!)

 

[Pathfinder075]

If you are 19, you don't need permission. Just go. You are an individual and as much as we love our parents, sometimes you have to just strike out on your own. If you can't do this now, then you have no hope of surviving University.

 

[dbeatriceb]

For what it's worth, I had a long conversation with a Brazilian. He understood my Spanish, and I understood his Portuguese. YMMV.

I had the same experience while walking in Portugal. I would explain I didn’t speak much Portugués but Spanish yes. Communication was never an issue, not even over the phone. In addition, many people in Portugal speak some English, so language barrier isn’t a huge problem.

 

[Hiking Joe]

Tell them why it is important to you. What it means to you. You might be surprised about the reaction.

You might be an adult, but to them you always will be their precious girl. So not use that argument. But it seems important to you, then tell them. Following your beliefs in what it right is something everyone wants to do and can relate too.

My 50cents

 

[David Tallan]

My temptation would be to tell them when you are already in Spain. If they complain that you didn't tell them before you left, explain that you didn't feel you could. Since you are of age and not looking for them to financially support the trip, this is an option. But I recognize that it is easy for me to say on my keyboard at this side of the Internet connection and may be much more difficult for you). If that doesn't seem like a tenable option, then I'm in agreement with those that say put if off until you are just about to leave. They less time they have to raise drama, the less drama you will have to deal with.

How to tell them? "I'm heading to Spain. I understand that you are not comfortable with this and I've heard and understood all of your arguments. But this is something I have to do and I'm doing it. I'll see you when I return."

I would keep it short and sweet. It sounds like you've told them already why it is important to you and why you feel it is safe. I wouldn't open that up again. It just creates space for them to trot out their arguments again.

 

[krosemc]

My mother had just died, I had just turned 40, and I still did not want to tell my family and coworkers about my Camino plans!

A friend gave me pretty good advice which I took, he said , “tell them when you land in Spain!” Nobody was angry with me, and as far as I know nobody felt left out or bad because I decided to make choices for my life on my own terms. It was empowering for me. You’ve spoken to your family about your desires and preparation to go on Camino. You’ve been planning and considering this adventure for some time now and you have shared some of that with them. It’s very kind of you to consider your family’s feelings in regards to your Camino. If you want emotional support for spiritual reasons I’d just be honest about that and tell them. At 19 my parents still treated me like a child in many ways, and as an adult in other ways…so frustrating!!! So think about being in your parents shoes. What would calm your own nerves if it was your daughter? They just want to know you’re safe, prepared physically, prepared financially, and prepared to succeed as much as fail. What are there fears? Are they reasonable? Maybe they have some good advice for you. but, GO on Camino!!! Whichever Camino speaks to you!!! Go go go you’ll love it!!!! Buen Camino

 

[Sue127]

View attachment 148161

Love this, especially sung by the sadly departed Roy Bailey

 

[isnardj]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

You do what’s right for YOU & follow your heart
In time they’ll appreciate your choices but then again maybe not. Don’t live your life by other people’s wants & fears.
Just go be YOU. Buen Camino

 

[alexwalker]

I am 69. I walked my first Camino at the age of 53. About 30 years too late, IMHO. But I have continued most years since my 1st year.

It is my opinion, that the younger you are, the more value you will receive from walking the Camino. Similarly, the older you get, the more you will regret not having done it earlier.

Remember a research project revealed, that on their death beds, most people regretted what they hadn't done, not what they did.

It can put you onto new paths in your future life, and give you better insight into yourself and what you want for your life. It may change your whole view of what you want for your life. If not, you have at least explored the option.

I wish I did my first walk at the age of 20.

 

[VNwalking]

Share/watch the movie The Way with your folks, and be ready to answer their questions. The more information they have...

Stupid idea. Don't do it: they'll get the message you might die wslking the Camino and be even more freaked out. Never mind it's much more dangerous at home, driving a car.

Just go.
Tell them with a note if you have to, or in person right before you leave. They can't do anything but argue, and that's just words.

 

[trecile]

Stupid idea.
They'll get the message you might die wslking the Camino. Never mind it's much more likely at home, driving a car

I had the same thought!

 

[Kildare]

Hi I'm sorry this is happening to you. What if u arrange a video chat in the evenings with them wud that reassure them. I'm 41 and taking my two girls who are 11 and 14 in July from Porto. I think it's a great experience and I wud be delighted if one of my girls went alone at 19 of course I would worry but that comes with being a parent. You poor thing I really feel for you.

 

[Sue127]

You can do this. I have walked sólo and there will always be other pilgrims around that you can walk with. I took my 15 year old grandson last year and we did not always walk together (partly because he is fitter and younger). We agreed to meet at a town later in the day. There will always be people around to meet up with. When my daughter was 19, she went to South Africa and then on to Uganda for another 6 months. I was really worried about the journey between the two, but know that she was sensible. She agreed to contact me as soon as she arrived, so then I could relax. Maybe you could tell your parents that you would call every couple of days?
Live your life, Buen camino.

 

[Katherine Radeka]

I remember your earlier thread, too and I'm glad your plans have progressed!

I suggest doing whatever you need to do to minimize the drama until you get to Porto. Depending on your mother, this may mean anything from telling her the night before to leaving a note on the kitchen table to just calling her from Porto (it's probably a bit much to call her from Santiago).

I'd arrange to check in daily with a local friend whom you can count on not to engage with your mother's drama, just so that someone knows where you are, and can get help to you if you really need it.

I'd tell her that we'll talk next in Santiago — and mean that. Ignore her phone calls and voice mails during the trip. Tell her to get word to your friend if somebody literally dies but otherwise, you're on pilgrimage.

Then prepare a set of bland standard phrases to keep on repeat with your mother if she texts you and you feel compelled to respond: "I love you." "I know this is hard for you." "I'm safe." "I'll call you on XX date from Santiago." "Please pray for me to have a good Camino." And bring back something nice for her from Santiago.

You can't protect her from the pain of losing you as you grow into adulthood, and you're not being selfish for wanting to embrace your independence.

Buen Camino!! Please let us know how things turn out!!

 

[AK2112]

Hello,
I am 19 years old woman and I am going on camino (from porto coastal way) in one week. The problem is that I still have not said it to my parents…as my mother is really drama queen and she is capable of calling my grandparents who do not support my wanderlust as well and I think I am too weak to carry it. I had several chats about it with my mum and she told me that she does not agree with going on the camino with her soul. I told her about the safety, about kind people and everything, furthermore I speak Spanish and English but she said no. And what is more I have four free months…I have just graduated, I am accepted to university... I I do not want money from my parents nor their consent. I am just thinking about the best way how to tell them. Any suggestion?

I really sounds like to need do this Camino is the right thing to do. Not only for yourself, but for older generations in your family.

Your mom is apparently not capable to take in all the info you give her (she is probably a lovely person still), so I guess you just have to tell her that you have decided to go anyway. Period!

Buen Camino

 

[JimDerry]

Everyone is created as a singular soul. While I do understand the fears of a parent (as I have 4 children, well they are to me!), there comes a time when the umbilical cord needs to be separated. It can be a clean break, like a cut, or a tear away which is more hurtful and takes longer to heal. My thought is to be totally honest with your family but stick to your feelings. The Camino is calling and that is very difficult to explain to others until it is completed. Listen to your Father in Heaven.

 

[JabbaPapa]

Glad to see that you are persevering !!

 

[ivar]

I think I will close this thread, these questions are always difficult to answer in an online forum... it is so personal. Hopefully, you got some tips.