Accomplishment

[HBS60]

Musings post-Camino:

As I continue to process and digest my Camino experience this past summer, I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I’m starting to think that the reason is that doing the Camino is so totally different and out of character for me. It’s not that I’ve never accomplished anything, in fact, I have more degrees than a thermometer. Lots of diplomas, academic titles, areas of expertise, yet none of this felt as significant as the Camino. Upon further reflection, I’m thinking that all those previous accomplishments didn’t really prove anything about me that I didn’t already know, namely, that I have what it takes to succeed academically. I was the nerdy kid in school who did well on tests…but never wanted on sports teams and was bullied and harassed because I was skinny and scrawny, so I took refuge behind my books, and I got very good at tests…and at hiding. I never had any intellectual doubts but my overall worthiness was very much in question.

Doing the Camino for me was the ultimate physical challenge, and it was simply unthinkable that I had what it takes to complete it. But I took a leap of faith, and I still have difficulty accepting that yes, I did this, and yes, I had what it takes. My inner critic cannot refute that accomplishment.

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink, really really reassess the way I think about myself. While all those college degrees are worthy, they are concerned with my intellect, which is only one aspect of my entire self. I never doubted my intelligence, but very much doubted that the rest of me was worthy because I always believed I didn’t had what it takes, so I’ve been clinging to my intellect for any measure of self worth.

Walking 500 miles across Spain, climbing mountains, dealing with hunger, fear, storms, exhaustion, and self-doubt, and being successful in getting through all of that, is irrefutable evidence that I have more within me than my diplomas.

I’m starting to think of my Camino as a rite of passage, because I will never be the same. The challenge now for me is how to integrate this new reality into my everyday life. I’m feeling some deep, tectonic psychological shifts that I don’t fully understand but I think they were long overdue. It will be a new learning process, having to learn how to navigate this world knowing that I actually have strengths I didn’t realize. I know I need to learn to use these strengths wisely and that will take time. It feels unfamiliar and strange, but there’s no turning back.

I’m aware some of it is probably about ego. Nothing wrong with having a healthier sense of ego, that’s better than going through life with a wounded, bruised ego. I hope I can stay grounded, humble, and teachable, because life will keep on happening, with new challenges and learning opportunities. The Camino is just one experience, a significant one, and I know there will be more lessons and accomplishments (and failures) in the future.

A big part of this, I think, is the physical aspect of the Camino. Instead of being lost in my head, I had no choice but to be IN my body, and that has helped me restore a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt in too long. I’m starting to notice some important changes. Recently, I had a very bitter argument that rattled me, but didn’t wound me, and I’m still shocked that I don’t feel wounded, just sad about the incident. No anxiety, no fear, no anger, just sadness the willingness to just let things be. That’s not how I usually react to incidents like these, and I think this is due to the Camino. After all, life is like the Camino, filled with challenges, rocks, storms, plus beauty and experiences that make it both challenging and fulfilling.

So, yeah, this was quite an accomplishment for me.

 

[dougfitz]

I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

 

[truenorthpilgrm]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

Your only takeaway to OP's thoughtful post was ...this response??

 

[HBS60]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

I’ve seen many pilgrims in these boards saying things to the effect that the Camino is just an experience, akin to a stroll in the park, or not much different than other hikes. For some of us it is more significant. Nothing wrong with that, since we all experience the Camino differently, and just because it was a big experience for me doesn’t mean that it was as transformational for others.

 

[ShoshTrvls]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

I think you read something into Hector's words that aren't there. He did not say that the Camino was not a "big deal" for anyone else. As I read it, he was referring to, and comparing his reaction, to those for whom it is not a "big deal," at least not a "big deal" in the way of completely changing how one views themself, or the essence of who they are. And indeed, I've spoken, and I'm sure many of us have spoken, to a number of pilgrims who didn't have any such revelation (and, in fact, were somewhat disappointed that a bolt of enlightenment did not strike them).

 

[HBS60]

I think you read something into Hector's words that aren't there. He did not say that the Camino was not a "big deal" for anyone else. As I read it, he was referring to, and comparing his reaction, to those for whom it is not a "big deal," at least not a "big deal" in the way of completely changing how one views themself, or the essence of who they are. And indeed, I've spoken, and I'm sure many of us have spoken, to a number of pilgrims who didn't have any such revelation (and, in fact, were somewhat disappointed that a bolt of enlightenment did not strike them).

You totally nailed it. That’s exactly what I was trying to convey, thanks!

 

[Damien Reynolds]

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink

Bad ass. (Just in case anyone doesn't understand, It is the ultimate compliment, IMO)

 

[Laurie Sanantone]

Hector, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’ve walked several caminos, and each one has been a big deal for me, too — each time I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, the world, and the Great Matter of life-and-death. Perhaps the camino has helped you to shift your attention from your mind, from which you’ve been operating (and where you’ve been hiding?) for many years, to your body (that you were forced to pay attention on your camino) — and your next step is to get in closer touch with your heart? Walking a camino, or many caminos, has given me an opportunity to integrate these different aspects of myself. Of course, YYMV.

 

[HBS60]

Hector, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’ve walked several caminos, and each one has been a big deal for me, too — each time I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, the world, and the Great Matter of life-and-death. Perhaps the camino has helped you to shift your attention from your mind, from which you’ve been operating (and where you’ve been hiding?) for many years, to your body (that you were forced to pay attention on your camino) — and your next step is to get in closer touch with your heart? Walking a camino, or many caminos, has given me an opportunity to integrate these different aspects of myself. Of course, YYMV.

I think you are absolutely right, thanks for your support and sharing! Much appreciated!

 

[DoughnutANZ]

@HBS60 Excelente, good on ya mate! Now that you have the bug then start exploring where you live now and when you get the time come visit to Aotearoa New Zealand and walk some of our trails. It is good for the soul.

 

[Madamjoy]

Musings post-Camino:

As I continue to process and digest my Camino experience this past summer, I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I’m starting to think that the reason is that doing the Camino is so totally different and out of character for me. It’s not that I’ve never accomplished anything, in fact, I have more degrees than a thermometer. Lots of diplomas, academic titles, areas of expertise, yet none of this felt as significant as the Camino. Upon further reflection, I’m thinking that all those previous accomplishments didn’t really prove anything about me that I didn’t already know, namely, that I have what it takes to succeed academically. I was the nerdy kid in school who did well on tests…but never wanted on sports teams and was bullied and harassed because I was skinny and scrawny, so I took refuge behind my books, and I got very good at tests…and at hiding. I never had any intellectual doubts but my overall worthiness was very much in question.

Doing the Camino for me was the ultimate physical challenge, and it was simply unthinkable that I had what it takes to complete it. But I took a leap of faith, and I still have difficulty accepting that yes, I did this, and yes, I had what it takes. My inner critic cannot refute that accomplishment.

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink, really really reassess the way I think about myself. While all those college degrees are worthy, they are concerned with my intellect, which is only one aspect of my entire self. I never doubted my intelligence, but very much doubted that the rest of me was worthy because I always believed I didn’t had what it takes, so I’ve been clinging to my intellect for any measure of self worth.

Walking 500 miles across Spain, climbing mountains, dealing with hunger, fear, storms, exhaustion, and self-doubt, and being successful in getting through all of that, is irrefutable evidence that I have more within me than my diplomas.

I’m starting to think of my Camino as a rite of passage, because I will never be the same. The challenge now for me is how to integrate this new reality into my everyday life. I’m feeling some deep, tectonic psychological shifts that I don’t fully understand but I think they were long overdue. It will be a new learning process, having to learn how to navigate this world knowing that I actually have strengths I didn’t realize. I know I need to learn to use these strengths wisely and that will take time. It feels unfamiliar and strange, but there’s no turning back.

I’m aware some of it is probably about ego. Nothing wrong with having a healthier sense of ego, that’s better than going through life with a wounded, bruised ego. I hope I can stay grounded, humble, and teachable, because life will keep on happening, with new challenges and learning opportunities. The Camino is just one experience, a significant one, and I know there will be more lessons and accomplishments (and failures) in the future.

A big part of this, I think, is the physical aspect of the Camino. Instead of being lost in my head, I had no choice but to be IN my body, and that has helped me restore a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt in too long. I’m starting to notice some important changes. Recently, I had a very bitter argument that rattled me, but didn’t wound me, and I’m still shocked that I don’t feel wounded, just sad about the incident. No anxiety, no fear, no anger, just sadness the willingness to just let things be. That’s not how I usually react to incidents like these, and I think this is due to the Camino. After all, life is like the Camino, filled with challenges, rocks, storms, plus beauty and experiences that make it both challenging and fulfilling.

So, yeah, this was quite an accomplishment for me.

There's also the possibility of no ego.. Neither being motivated by ego, or hiding from a wounded ego. No ego arises from much of what you say.; being in your body, not staying in your head and letting monkey brain dominate your thoughts. The repetitive step by step of the Camino is worth repeating at home; go for long walks, be in silence, practice gratitude. Keep the camino with you. Thank you for sharing

 

[Robo]

Recently, I had a very bitter argument that rattled me, but didn’t wound me, and I’m still shocked that I don’t feel wounded, just sad about the incident. No anxiety, no fear, no anger, just sadness the willingness to just let things be. That’s not how I usually react to incidents like these, and I think this is due to the Camino. After all, life is like the Camino, filled with challenges, rocks, storms, plus beauty and experiences that make it both challenging and fulfilling.

Same here Hector.

I rarely get stressed anymore, I don't get angry anymore.

I try to understand bad situations from the other person's perspective.
I forgive and forget.

Perhaps for those of us who needed it, the Camino just makes us better people.

Personally, my first Camino was a huge deal! Like the biggest ever!

 

[dougfitz]

I’ve seen many pilgrims in these boards saying things to the effect that the Camino is just an experience, akin to a stroll in the park, or not much different than other hikes. For some of us it is more significant. Nothing wrong with that, since we all experience the Camino differently, and just because it was a big experience for me doesn’t mean that it was as transformational for others.

Thank you for this explanation. I think this makes more sense to me. Perhaps I misinterpreted your earlier remarks, which I took to mean you were making a less than complimentary comparison about others you met.

Personally, I don't think what you were puzzling over will ever lend itself to an explanation, but that shouldn't be reason to stop wondering at these things.

 

[JerryStroebele]

Well, it my first Camino wasn't a "big deal" for me, I would not have returned to the Camino a dozen times, usually "dragging" my wife and adult children with me, or reading this crazy forum every morning over coffee. Buen Camino

 

[Elle Bieling]

@HBS60, love your experience and love your transformation. I believe that your body's experience can be a gateway to your heart, your true heart, the essence of who you are. Stick with these feelings and sensations! If you continue your soulful reflections, and combine it with more long and contemplative walks, you never know where it may lead you!! All my best to you on this new "pilgrimage!"

 

[mike105]

As someone that felt the Caminos were an experience and not life changing i totally get your point. I'm so glad you've been able see the benefits in your personal life.
I've worked as a teacher for 40 years, supply teaching for the last 7. In education degrees mean very little in the classroom, as I've seen many teachers with PHDs and MAs that are incompetent. It's almost impossible to fire a bad teacher, so posers exist in many schools. In education, everything is political now, and being an excellent teacher doesn't count for much with the boards of education.
Whereas, walking a Camino does depend on competence and ability. There are no politics and it's hard to fake it. You're doing somethats difficult and at times painful, and there are more personal rewards than achieving something in a politicized system. Many of us have the means to Uber to an airport and fly home, so participation is completely voluntary. In education, the only rewards that count are the relationships you develop with your students, and those achievements are rarely recognized by the system.
The sense of accomplishment after doing a Camino are probably more familiar to people that have challenged themselves physically before through sports or other physical activities.
Congratulations on your achievement, and feel free to feel like a bit of a bad ass now, cause you are. Lol

 

[lunna]

Your only takeaway to OP's thoughtful post was ...this response??

That was exactly my reaction too.

 

[lunna]

I’ve seen many pilgrims in these boards saying things to the effect that the Camino is just an experience, akin to a stroll in the park, or not much different than other hikes. For some of us it is more significant. Nothing wrong with that, since we all experience the Camino differently, and just because it was a big experience for me doesn’t mean that it was as transformational for others.

No need for you to have to justify your valid feelings because of one person’s remark.

 

[C clearly]

walking a Camino does depend on competence and ability. There are no politics and it's hard to fake it.

This is an interesting way to describe it, and it reflects my experience.

The sense of accomplishment after doing a Camino are probably more familiar to people that have challenged themselves physically

I would take this a step further, and say "people who have challenged themselves in a variety of ways and situations, including physical." Walking a Camino calls upon our general resourcefulness as much as physical strength and endurance. Some individuals may get this experience in childhood and youth - hopefully in a supportive environment. Other individuals may find themselves having to learn later in life, when it is generally harder to break the patterns of many years. @HBS60 deserves credit for the taking on the increased challenge as a mature adult!

You make another good point about the sense of accomplishment being more familiar for people who are accomplished in a relevant way. It might not be such a "huge big deal" in terms of surprising personal self-knowledge and transformation, but that doesn't mean that the experience of a Camino is not important or consequential to them in ways that may not be obvious to others.

 

[CroPilgrim]

Thank you for this post… you wrote down thoughts going through my mind and feelings I have that I just can’t verbalize since I’ve done the Camino in June… I’ll just copy/paste few…

“totally different and out of character for me”

“I’m thinking that all those previous accomplishments didn’t really prove anything about me that I didn’t already know”

“really reassess the way I think about myself”

“I’m feeling some deep, tectonic psychological shifts that I don’t fully understand”

“I had no choice but to be IN my body, and that has helped me restore a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt in too long”

“willingness to just let things be”

It was also a huge religious experience for me that I needed and on days those miles and miles and miles walked in prayer were something very private and very special for me that I didn’t have the chance to experience in my life before…

One thing I say to people when they ask me how it was is simply: you have to give your self a gift of going on the Camino… just do that for your self. That one thing. You owe it to your self.

The blessing of the journey doesn’t just come to you… it comes also to everyone around you…

 

[HBS60]

This is an interesting way to describe it, and it reflects my experience.


I would take this a step further, and say "people who have challenged themselves in a variety of ways and situations, including physical." Walking a Camino calls upon our general resourcefulness as much as physical strength and endurance. Some individuals may get this experience in childhood and youth - hopefully in a supportive environment. Other individuals may find themselves having to learn later in life, when it is generally harder to break the patterns of many years. @HBS60 deserves credit for the taking on the increased challenge as a mature adult!

You make another good point about the sense of accomplishment being more familiar for people who are accomplished in a relevant way. It might not be such a "huge big deal" in terms of surprising personal self-knowledge and transformation, but that doesn't mean that the experience of a Camino is not important or consequential to them in ways that may not be obvious to others.

Thanks!
The last point, about the sense of accomplishment being more familiar for people more familiar to those that have challenged themselves through things like sports definitely makes sense to me. I was a very skinny, fragile, underweight kid, never got to participate in sports not from lack of interest, but because nobody wanted me in their team. I’ve done some physical things like lifting weights and biking, but I never lasted long with these, as I would gravitate more to my more cerebral accomplishments, as this was my comfort zone where I could excel…and hide. It felt safe, but I always felt that I was missing out on a lot of things, as my mind was disconnected from my body.

I’ve done more therapy than I care to admit, and while a lot of it was very helpful, (some of it was terrible), it all remained very abstract. In fact, the reason I decided to do the Camino was because my therapist announced that he was moving away, and when he said he could set me up with someone else, something snapped in me saying “enough therapy. Go out and do something REAL and get out of your head”.

I’ve been aware of the Camino for many years, actually I don’t recall the first time I heard about it, but it was way before the movie, and maybe 15 years ago I followed a blog by a Mexican fellow doing it in bike. It was one of “would be nice to do something like this but who has the time?” Well, life took care of that, by taking away all my responsibilities and attachments. I lost my SO, my parents, I gave up my practice, even my aging cats died of natural causes, so in a flash, I saw a huge opening and I seized the opportunity, taking a leap of faith.

All throughout my Camino, I was crying, because I ACTUALLY was doing this! What seemed like an insurmountable challenge, an impossibility, was becoming very real. Even as I write this today, four months afterwards, I am choking up, because this accomplishment is not about my intellect (which I always have felt very secure about), but about something more tangible, more real. I am STILL trying to adjust to this new reality.

There were many things that I never got to experience, I missed out on a lot, and other than the brainy stuff, I’ve always felt plagued by a sense of failure and worthlessness. I felt unworthy to be a husband or a father, which is why I never married or had children, and I wound up with a same-sex partner, (no regrets or shame about that) and even that was taken away by cancer. I’ve been isolating, struggling with PTSD, hanging in there, day by day. Not a good way to live my life, so for me to tackle something like the Camino was very significant because it was so out of my comfort zone. It was a true challenge, and, as I entered the Praza de Obradoiro to the simultaneous sounds of the Cathedral bells and the bagpiper, I was bawling because I could no longer deny that I DO have what it takes to meet challenges like the Camino, and I made it all the way through! I had arrived to a new stage of my life.

Now, the new challenge is learning how to integrate this accomplishment into my daily life. I still have so much to learn but not as much time since I’m getting older. Which is why I’m moving to Spain, to get back to my ancestral roots, my language, in a way coming back home after a long absence.

Once again, thanks for all the support and feedback, much appreciated! I hope sharing my experience can be helpful to those that struggle with similar or related issues, and I hope to keep learning and growing.

 

[HBS60]

As someone that felt the Caminos were an experience and not life changing i totally get your point. I'm so glad you've been able see the benefits in your personal life.
I've worked as a teacher for 40 years, supply teaching for the last 7. In education degrees mean very little in the classroom, as I've seen many teachers with PHDs and MAs that are incompetent. It's almost impossible to fire a bad teacher, so posers exist in many schools. In education, everything is political now, and being an excellent teacher doesn't count for much with the boards of education.
Whereas, walking a Camino does depend on competence and ability. There are no politics and it's hard to fake it. You're doing somethats difficult and at times painful, and there are more personal rewards than achieving something in a politicized system. Many of us have the means to Uber to an airport and fly home, so participation is completely voluntary. In education, the only rewards that count are the relationships you develop with your students, and those achievements are rarely recognized by the system.
The sense of accomplishment after doing a Camino are probably more familiar to people that have challenged themselves physically before through sports or other physical activities.
Congratulations on your achievement, and feel free to feel like a bit of a bad ass now, cause you are. Lol

I’m trying to get used to being a badass, LOL (it feels unfamiliar but very good!)

 

[HBS60]

Thank you for this explanation. I think this makes more sense to me. Perhaps I misinterpreted your earlier remarks, which I took to mean you were making a less than complimentary comparison about others you met.

Personally, I don't think what you were puzzling over will ever lend itself to an explanation, but that shouldn't be reason to stop wondering at these things.

Thanks!
On my part, I probably was also misinterpreting those remarks from those that, early on, were trying to reassure me that I could do the Camino, as I thought they were dismissive of my fears, but I was not trying to diss anybody. Ah, the pitfalls of online communication!

 

[Peregrinopaul]

@HBS60, I very much identify with your OP. This evening, at the vigil mass for the feast of The Baptism of the Lord, we sang a hymn by an Australian, Brian Boniwell. I mention this because at times on my first camino, the VdlP, I sometimes seriously doubted my ability to continue, and I would sing that hymn to myself as I pedalled along.( I know it well because I often play and sing at the church, and it happens to be a personal favourite.) The lyrics are:

The Lord is my Shepherd, and I want to follow,
wherever he leads me, wherever he goes.
Over the mountains, the waters and by-ways,
valleys and highways he’s waiting for me.

Refrain

I want to go to meet him there, to lay myself down in his love.
The Lord is my shepherd, and I want to follow,
wherever he leads me, wherever he goes.

Verse 2

And while on the journey to where we are going,
he promised to be there to help us along.
And over the mountains we’ll walk on together,
to know all the wonders he’s given to me

What I recall of my arrival in Plaza de Obradorio was certainly elation, but also a profound sense of shock at achieving something that at times I had suspected was insane at my (then) ripe-old-age of 67.

 

[mike105]

Thanks for being so open, the details of your story make your accomplishment even more amazing and inspiring. I think what you did was very bravely leave your comfort zone. It's very difficult to do i find, especially as we get older. But the payoffs are huge.
Maybe an important take away could be that when you start coming up with multiple reasons to not do something, you do it! Good luck, and thanks for the inspiration!