Accomplishment

[HBS60]

Musings post-Camino:

As I continue to process and digest my Camino experience this past summer, I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I’m starting to think that the reason is that doing the Camino is so totally different and out of character for me. It’s not that I’ve never accomplished anything, in fact, I have more degrees than a thermometer. Lots of diplomas, academic titles, areas of expertise, yet none of this felt as significant as the Camino. Upon further reflection, I’m thinking that all those previous accomplishments didn’t really prove anything about me that I didn’t already know, namely, that I have what it takes to succeed academically. I was the nerdy kid in school who did well on tests…but never wanted on sports teams and was bullied and harassed because I was skinny and scrawny, so I took refuge behind my books, and I got very good at tests…and at hiding. I never had any intellectual doubts but my overall worthiness was very much in question.

Doing the Camino for me was the ultimate physical challenge, and it was simply unthinkable that I had what it takes to complete it. But I took a leap of faith, and I still have difficulty accepting that yes, I did this, and yes, I had what it takes. My inner critic cannot refute that accomplishment.

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink, really really reassess the way I think about myself. While all those college degrees are worthy, they are concerned with my intellect, which is only one aspect of my entire self. I never doubted my intelligence, but very much doubted that the rest of me was worthy because I always believed I didn’t had what it takes, so I’ve been clinging to my intellect for any measure of self worth.

Walking 500 miles across Spain, climbing mountains, dealing with hunger, fear, storms, exhaustion, and self-doubt, and being successful in getting through all of that, is irrefutable evidence that I have more within me than my diplomas.

I’m starting to think of my Camino as a rite of passage, because I will never be the same. The challenge now for me is how to integrate this new reality into my everyday life. I’m feeling some deep, tectonic psychological shifts that I don’t fully understand but I think they were long overdue. It will be a new learning process, having to learn how to navigate this world knowing that I actually have strengths I didn’t realize. I know I need to learn to use these strengths wisely and that will take time. It feels unfamiliar and strange, but there’s no turning back.

I’m aware some of it is probably about ego. Nothing wrong with having a healthier sense of ego, that’s better than going through life with a wounded, bruised ego. I hope I can stay grounded, humble, and teachable, because life will keep on happening, with new challenges and learning opportunities. The Camino is just one experience, a significant one, and I know there will be more lessons and accomplishments (and failures) in the future.

A big part of this, I think, is the physical aspect of the Camino. Instead of being lost in my head, I had no choice but to be IN my body, and that has helped me restore a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt in too long. I’m starting to notice some important changes. Recently, I had a very bitter argument that rattled me, but didn’t wound me, and I’m still shocked that I don’t feel wounded, just sad about the incident. No anxiety, no fear, no anger, just sadness the willingness to just let things be. That’s not how I usually react to incidents like these, and I think this is due to the Camino. After all, life is like the Camino, filled with challenges, rocks, storms, plus beauty and experiences that make it both challenging and fulfilling.

So, yeah, this was quite an accomplishment for me.

 

[dougfitz]

I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

 

[truenorthpilgrm]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

Your only takeaway to OP's thoughtful post was ...this response??

 

[HBS60]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

I’ve seen many pilgrims in these boards saying things to the effect that the Camino is just an experience, akin to a stroll in the park, or not much different than other hikes. For some of us it is more significant. Nothing wrong with that, since we all experience the Camino differently, and just because it was a big experience for me doesn’t mean that it was as transformational for others.

 

[ShoshTrvls]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

I think you read something into Hector's words that aren't there. He did not say that the Camino was not a "big deal" for anyone else. As I read it, he was referring to, and comparing his reaction, to those for whom it is not a "big deal," at least not a "big deal" in the way of completely changing how one views themself, or the essence of who they are. And indeed, I've spoken, and I'm sure many of us have spoken, to a number of pilgrims who didn't have any such revelation (and, in fact, were somewhat disappointed that a bolt of enlightenment did not strike them).

 

[HBS60]

I think you read something into Hector's words that aren't there. He did not say that the Camino was not a "big deal" for anyone else. As I read it, he was referring to, and comparing his reaction, to those for whom it is not a "big deal," at least not a "big deal" in the way of completely changing how one views themself, or the essence of who they are. And indeed, I've spoken, and I'm sure many of us have spoken, to a number of pilgrims who didn't have any such revelation (and, in fact, were somewhat disappointed that a bolt of enlightenment did not strike them).

You totally nailed it. That’s exactly what I was trying to convey, thanks!

 

[Damien Reynolds]

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink

Bad ass. (Just in case anyone doesn't understand, It is the ultimate compliment, IMO)

 

[Laurie Sanantone]

Hector, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’ve walked several caminos, and each one has been a big deal for me, too — each time I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, the world, and the Great Matter of life-and-death. Perhaps the camino has helped you to shift your attention from your mind, from which you’ve been operating (and where you’ve been hiding?) for many years, to your body (that you were forced to pay attention on your camino) — and your next step is to get in closer touch with your heart? Walking a camino, or many caminos, has given me an opportunity to integrate these different aspects of myself. Of course, YYMV.

 

[HBS60]

Hector, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’ve walked several caminos, and each one has been a big deal for me, too — each time I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, the world, and the Great Matter of life-and-death. Perhaps the camino has helped you to shift your attention from your mind, from which you’ve been operating (and where you’ve been hiding?) for many years, to your body (that you were forced to pay attention on your camino) — and your next step is to get in closer touch with your heart? Walking a camino, or many caminos, has given me an opportunity to integrate these different aspects of myself. Of course, YYMV.

I think you are absolutely right, thanks for your support and sharing! Much appreciated!