A hard landing upon returning home

april_pdx · Jul 5, 2023

I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

RobertS26 · Jul 5, 2023

Yes. The first time I came home I felt like a stranger in my own house. A lot of that had to do with actually being embarrassed at all the useless material things I had gathered with the false assumption that consumerism would make me happy just like Madison Avenue (and now the Kardashians) promised.

Fortunately that has all worked out for me. I now spend all of my money feeding orphans in Zimbabwe. I even built a combination preschool and kindergarten (an "elementary school" by local standards) on the grounds of the orphanage. Recently, I began building a complete K through 12 school instead of remodeling my house, buying a new car, or some other non-essential use of money.

And I have the Camino to thank for my new life.

Lindsay53 · Jul 5, 2023

It can be difficult to readjust April. After arriving home to all the bills, delayed tasks and the general minutiae of your usual life its easy to think the Camino never happened. Wanting to dump it all and return to the simple walk eat sleep routine of the Camino is understandable. Take heart though, the Camino did really happen and while there may have been no profound revelations for you on the way it has been an experience that you have enjoyed and even if that does not seem to help with your current situation you are probably still happy that you have done it.

Meanwhile there is this forum, the friends you made and maybe the anticipation of another Camino to help with the stresses of everyday life.

april_pdx · Jul 5, 2023

RobertS26 said:
Yes. The first time I came home I felt like a stranger in my own house. A lot of that had to do with actually being embarrassed at all the useless material things I had gathered with the false assumption that consumerism would make me happy just like Madison Avenue (and now the Kardashians) promised.

Thankfully I've never had that problem. My income is below the median and I live like a college student (no car, cheap run-down apartment, roommates) despite being 43, in part because that's the only way I can afford to go other places. My only real indulgences (outside of travel) are clothes and books, and I have very few regrets on that score.

Tassie Kaz · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
...I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it)...

@april_pdx, what is the 'little yellow book' you're referring to?
I love your description of returning home as a "hard landing"...very apt.
Many of us have been where you are (including me...I was a total mess first time!) & have come through it & you will too.
Hang in there. If it's any consolation, it gets much easier with future trails. Although I did not hesitate to do other caminos/walks, I was concerned about experiencing that same return dive...but it didn't happen.

april_pdx · Jul 5, 2023

Tassie Kaz said:
what is the 'little yellow book' you're referring to?

This one! https://www.caminochroniclespress.c...-the-camino-de-santiago-into-your-daily-life/

Pathfinder075 · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Ahh Twitter, the bane of the current generation. Elon will have probably driven it into the ground by Christmas, but it still leaves all the other unfortunate places.

The only problem to eternally remaining on Camino is how to fund it and possibly schengen. But aside from that would you really want to be that eternal pilgrim? As much as I love being on Camino, if I was to be a permanent pilgrim I would grow bored and feel it was more like a job than a pilgrimage. I wasn't cut out for the holy man life. I am too ornery and grow bored pretty easily.

The best thing you can do is start saving and planning for the next one, do a different route next time, maybe a harder route.

Anyway, glad you had a good one.

trecile · Jul 5, 2023

I know exactly what you mean by the feeling that it was just a dream, or didn't really happen. I finished my Camino just over a week ago, then spent a few days in Amsterdam, and I'm now visiting my son and his wife in Denver before I finally go home, and it all feels like something that happened so long ago.

I have to say that some of the advice about post Camino "processing" that comes from sources like the Yellow book just don't ring true for me.

april_pdx · Jul 5, 2023

Pathfinder075 said:
The only problem to eternally remaining on Camino is how to fund it and possibly schengen. But aside from that would you really want to be that eternal pilgrim?

Nah, not really. Not just because of money and visa issues--I missed my partner, the rest of my closet, having a kitchen, sleeping in, and also SOFT BEDS, seriously most mattresses in Spain are much firmer than I like, as a side-sleeper with bony hips!

Pathfinder075 said:
The best thing you can do is start saving and planning for the next one, do a different route next time, maybe a harder route.

It'll probably be at least a few years before I can do it again....but that said I'm already thinking "start further back in France? Do the Norte? Start from Portugal????"

Pathfinder075 said:
Anyway, glad you had a good one.

I really did!

Anamiri · Jul 5, 2023

Pathfinder075 said:
The only problem to eternally remaining on Camino is how to fund it and possibly schengen. But aside from that would you really want to be that eternal pilgrim? As much as I love being on Camino, if I was to be a permanent pilgrim I would grow bored and feel it was more like a job than a pilgrimage.

I'd like to find out what my threshold is though.
It wont happen due to Schengen rules, having people dependent on me, and needing a funding source.

What I missed most was my dog.

Anamiri · Jul 5, 2023

One of the issues about taking leave from a job is that when you return there is always heaps of catching up, even if someone else was doing some of it. I think the same goes for normal life - the closer a 'crisis' happens to your return date, the more likely people at home will leave the 'sorting' to you.
Someone once gave good advice:

Stay away long enough that other people have to do the job completely.

Robo · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I think I get how you feel, as many here would.
Perhaps that is why we go back time and time again?
Searching for the answer?

Each time I come back home I am less interested in my humdrum work focussed life.
It's only my responsibility to and for others that keeps my nose to the grindstone.

But what I've noticed over the years, is that I get stressed less, I worry less, I'm less materialistic.
I let things go more easily....
But sadly, life still 'sucks' a bit between Caminos....

There will be an answer there somewhere.
I haven't found it yet. Maybe others have?

One of the reasons, the 'main' reason in fact, that I do Blogs and Videos on every Camino, is for me!
If no one else looked at them, I would still do them.
It allows me to revisit my Caminos, and remember and relive every part of them.
Others might do it via journaling or just with lots of photos.

Perhaps the Camino 'spoils' us too much?

It shows us how simple our lives really 'can' be.

And so we long for it........
But many of us are still to understand how to bring the Camino home with us.
Until then, we can be a little lost.

..

april_pdx · Jul 5, 2023

Anamiri said:
One of the issues about taking leave from a job is that when you return there is always heaps of catching up, even if someone else was doing some of it. I think the same goes for normal life - the closer a 'crisis' happens to your return date, the more likely people at home will leave the 'sorting' to you.
Someone once gave good advice:

Stay away long enough that other people have to do the job completely.

hah, this is the truth!

I'm glad none of my stress is related to my job. I work the front desk at a retirement community, the only thing that was rough when I got back was remembering my passwords and going through six weeks' worth of email.

april_pdx · Jul 5, 2023

Robo said:
I think I get how you feel, as many here would.
Perhaps that is why we go back time and time again?
Searching for the answer?

At one point (Hospital de Orbigo) I remember telling a Camino Friend "I'm still feel like I'm not 'done' yet." I wasn't sure what I was expecting to change in me--I just knew it hadn't happened.

Robo said:
Perhaps the Camino 'spoils' us too much?

I think this is part of it. All my worries/stress about things at home were put on hold temporarily.

Robo said:
It shows us how simple our lives really 'can' be.

And so we long for it........
But many of us are still to understand how to bring the Camino home with us.
Until then, we can be a little lost.

..

Definitely. And I'm not even sure I'd want my "normal" life to be that simple, is the thing. But there's gotta be a balance between the mess of my life at home, and the simple, repetitive daily life on the Camino. A lot of the things I do at home I truly enjoy! If anything I need to do more things in my daily life, not less; the stressful things that I mention in my original post are things that are unavoidable and related to me and my partner's housing situation.

All of which is to say, that ironically, bringing the Camino home for me would mostly be about making time for things that bring joy--spending more time eating/drinking with friends, going on long walks, and regular prayer, for instance. I took a one-day class in stained glass because I was so inspired by my visit to the Leon cathedral! (The project I finished and took home was very simple, but everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?)

Also: I watched (and left looooong comments on) a few of your videos as I was planning! Nice to "bump into" you here.

I even have a funny story that tangentially involves you--
I was at the donativo in Zabaldika (which was one of my fave spots on my Camino!) and in conversation mentioned your youtube channel but couldn't remember if you were from Australia or New Zealand.
The Irish guy sitting next to me joked, "They're the same thing, right?"
And I replied, "That's like saying Ireland and England are the same thing!"
Him: "Well. There are, uh, some people who do think Ireland and England are the same place."
Me (an American): "You can say Americans, I won't be mad."
That made him laugh.

Robo · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
At one point (Hospital de Orbigo) I remember telling a Camino Friend "I'm still feel like I'm not 'done' yet." I wasn't sure what I was expecting to change in me--I just knew it hadn't happened.

I feel that a lot on Camino

Though on the last one, being a bit longer for me, at 60 days, the opposite almost happened.
Near the end I had a bit of a Forest Gump moment. "I think I'll stop walking now"

I was 'done' about 10 days earlier......

I'm not sure what it is, but on every Camino so far, from 10 days to 60 days, it's always the last day or so that I seem to 'get it'. Whatever getting it might be at the time.

Maybe 7 day Caminos are more cost effective!

MARSKA · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
All of which is to say, that ironically, bringing the Camino home for me would mostly be about making time for things that bring joy--spending more time eating/drinking with friends, going on long walks, and regular prayer, for instance. I took a one-day class in stained glass because I was so inspired by my visit to the Leon cathedral! (The project I finished and took home was very simple, but everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?)

April, I'm not sure I have any wisdom to impart (wish I did) but I believe I have an understanding of what you are feeling. OMG! Look what you have gained! You know what brings you joy!!! How awesome. And making stained glass is such a real, tangible way to express and maybe understand your Camino experience.

Maybe it will help you to know that you are not alone, though, in feeling a bit out-of-order.

When I finished my first 6 week mountaineering trip I cried for days as I so much wanted the life I had discovered to continue forever. For months I was desolate. I was grieving the loss of special friendships and utter trust, daily challenges and adventures, the freedom of "life in a backpack", the exhilaration of the trail, living life exquisitely in-the-moment focused on one step and one breath--- until the next step and the next breath. I remember thinking that "normal" life was like being in a locked cage. And I did not want to return to that life. I participated in several of these adventures, until I didn't.

Fast forward a few years ... I feel a deep sense of gratitude for having had the mountain climbing experiences. I don't hate my life and I don't feel like I'm in a cage. I am, I believe, more "alive". I know the difference between "needs" and "wants" and I am confident that, if called, I can be content with "only" food, water, shelter, warmth and friends I trust. I am confident that I will be OK no matter the external circumstances.

And now, much older, I am about to begin my walk across Spain to contemplate God and the universe.

The lessons from life's experiences often are not immediately clear. Perhaps be patient, be grateful, and be ready for what comes next. Namaste. Buen Camino my friend.

J Willhaus · Jul 5, 2023

Ok there's always the forum here. Keeps the flame alive for a lot of us...

markie6 · Jul 5, 2023

Often feel slightly deflated after a camino, think that's fairly normal. I turn my photos into a video and watch them from time to time, reminds me of the places I was and the people I met. The forum too , helps the withdrawals

Roland49 · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

Give yourself, your learnings and changes time to settle!

For me, it did need 2 years to overcome all those remorses and to really change for good.
A separation, a divorce, a move into a new home, a job-change. All this needed time and will need time to work out.

DoughnutANZ · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Your journey hasn't yet finished.

Mal.C · Jul 5, 2023

Always hard coming back, one year I only did the leg between Logroño and Burgos, as I had a week free, count your blessings you got to Santiago, leaving friends, not completing and coming home all bundled together is one whopping shock I can tell you!!

You will come round, best thing, do soemthing else to replace the 'wanting' go away for a long weekend, or overnight somewhere you love...

Arctic_Alex · Jul 5, 2023

Maybe it takes some time to really sink in?

Or maybe there is the chance to do another Camino, a shorter one, or a fond section of the one you just did? Often the planning and knowing you will return will work as medicine for what you feel.
But then again, not everyone has the chance to do it more than once.

Seekingpeace · Jul 5, 2023

@april_pdx I am also in PDX and resonate with the sense of dissonance from having recently returned as well. Lmk if you’d like accompaniment, esp. walking & chatting to continue “unpacking” from the Camino.

Jagdev D. · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

@april_pdx
you are not alone for what your mind/thoughts are going through, because,
Camino was
Camino is
Camino will be in our hearts ( somewhere )
Cheers !

CanadianBarb · Jul 5, 2023

Walking the Camino is a time release experience. It is now an integration time... time to reflect, to process.... it is my experience that the importance and changes in me weren't really obvious until much later. It is still difficult to be in the now, and it is important to be exactly where you are right now, with all of your feelings, thoughts, frustrations, memories, sadness , I invite you to be present with all of it!!!

Katherine Radeka · Jul 5, 2023

Seekingpeace said:
@april_pdx I am also in PDX and resonate with the sense of dissonance from having recently returned as well. Lmk if you’d like accompaniment, esp. walking & chatting to continue “unpacking” from the Camino.

I’m in the PDX area as well and also had a bit of a hard homecoming. DM if you’d like to have coffee.

bullingtonce · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

In my estimation, the fact that you are discombobulated concerning your recent Camino is strong evidence that it has affected you. Perhaps it is asking you to look inward and find out why you are, in a sense, blocking the recent Camino you did. Perhaps you are unwilling to confront what you need to confront. And perhaps it seems to have happened to someone else because this is what your subconscious wants. All this is speculation of course. Too many perhaps! In any case, it would be well worth your time to dig deeper into this unusual response. I wish you the best. In the final analysis, the Caino did take place for you and maybe only you can provide the reason and rationale as to why you responded in the way you did.

Reggitano52 · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Hello.
I totally understand how you feel. I walked the full Camino Frances last spring and when I got home, I wished that I was back there on my walk where life was good and life was simple. For weeks and even months, I felt a certain emptiness in me. I I believe I was going through some type of withdrawal stage and might have suffered from depression for a while. Dealing with "stuff in the real world" was what I didn't have to deal with for five weeks on the Camino, and now I was swamped with all these things that needed my attention. It took me several months to kind of get back into doing what I needed to do. Eventually, like the hardships on the Camino, you get acclimatized and start back on the routine you were used to doing. But, I agree, it wasn't easy. I plan on walking the Camino Frances again in the Spring of 2024 and re-kindling my Camino spirit.

Kathie63119 · Jul 5, 2023

I am so grateful to know others are in the same boat. I’m home for 3+ weeks, and I still don’t feel at home, so to speak. I find I’m isolating frequently, not as socially engaged as I usually am. The idea of reintegration resonates with me. I’m content, and at peace, very much so. Just trying to figure out where my post-Camino self fits into the life I’ve come back to. I’m still walking.

Gringazolana · Jul 5, 2023

Same here.

I feel like I am losing my grasp on the Authentic Self that I (re)discovered on Camino. The stresses, responsibilities, and depression are constantly grabbing at me. Also, I had to spend a week inside because the air wanted to kill me. Until Spain, I didn’t realize how important the outdoors was!!

Bernie Brunino · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I have done several Camino’s and I have had that same feeling ever time I come home. I can only tell you that eventually it does pass. I have found no quick remedy to date. It may give you some solace in knowing most people I have met go through a “blue“ period upon returning to their normal routines - and they also say it does pass. Wishing you best of luck.

antepacem · Jul 5, 2023

Like others have said, the fact that you feel out of sorts is a sign that a shift has happened - but these things can take a long time to materialize. For my part, the resonances of my first camino (ten years ago) are still being mined. It reminds me a little bit of a friend of mine who underwent electroshock therapy for severe depression. When he came back, he said "I don't think it worked. I feel the same." But to all of us who knew him, the difference was tangible and immediate. Now, years on, he can see that the treatment worked for him, that it sparked (no pun intended) changes in his neural pathways that, despite taking a long time to manifest in his own consciousness, can be traced back there.

With apologies for the lengthy analogy, I see camino practice very similarly. It has an immediate impact and effect, but it isn't always apparent to us until we've digested and processed it. Much love and good luck on the reentry. It's hard, that's for sure.

Dennis Pack · Jul 5, 2023

RobertS26 said:
Yes. The first time I came home I felt like a stranger in my own house. A lot of that had to do with actually being embarrassed at all the useless material things I had gathered with the false assumption that consumerism would make me happy just like Madison Avenue (and now the Kardashians) promised.

Fortunately that has all worked out for me. I now spend all of my money feeding orphans in Zimbabwe. I even built a combination preschool and kindergarten (an "elementary school" by local standards) on the grounds of the orphanage. Recently, I began building a complete K through 12 school instead of remodeling my house, buying a new car, or some other non-essential use of money.

And I have the Camino to thank for my new life.

I love it when I see amerikans discover another (the rest of the?) world ... and not so much as a "tourist" ... but as a part of something bigger and more meaningful. I was born and raised in the NW as well, and until I moved to another country and ended up spending 4 years as an Australian volunteer in the middle of the Pacific, in a subsistence culture, life definitely felt unfulfilled.

For me the Camino was somewhat "disappointing", but I think that was because my time volunteering was already "life changing", and in a much bigger way. My only regret was not discovering the value of doing things for others on a grand scale sooner. Maybe the Camino is not "about me", but "for me" ... to open my eyes and heart and mind ... to seek a more fulfilling life doing something for others without a monetary return ... a much more valuable return. I'm not sure @RobertS26 of your actual involvement "building", whether it is just funding, or actually getting your hands dirty in country, but it has obviously touched the same inner-self.

Perhaps looking for ways to focus your energy on others is part of needed therapy. @april_pdx possibly something like volunteering at the Waterfront Folk Festival would have been a good start ... and there are cheap airfares to, and orphanages in, Ecuador that accept volunteers ...

Buen Camino

ThreeCaminos · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

What makes it difficult is talking to people that haven’t walked the Camino and don’t understand your experience. Find a group or individuals that hav experienced the walk. They will understand and help you process your experience. I have done 4 Caminos and have had to take time to process every time. And I’m not sure I‘ve finished processing yet. The Camino is never far from my thoughts.
The Camino provide long after the walk is done!
Buen Camino!

Peggy McLaren-Villeneuve · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I know I felt like that on my first Camino, walking from St. Jean to Finnisterre. We had taken videos of our daily walks which we have up on you tube and when I got back home I started watching them. I got so depressed and actually it really brought tears to my eyes that I just wanted to be back on the Camino again.
We left at the end of August 2017 and returned home October 21st.

I got so bad that I had no matter how much it was going to cost me to get back on the Camino, so I booked to start the Camino Portuguese this time on May 3, 2018 to walk once again from Porto to Muxia and then walk back to Porto. I felt that I was home again. I think I am one that could actually spend the rest of my life walking Caminos but they do and are more expensive each and every year.

Yes even now it feels like a dream but thank goodness I have videos up that I can relive it and hope in a couple of years that I will be healthy and able to do at least one more!

Here's to the best memories of my life!! Buen Camino !!

WalkingInGers · Jul 5, 2023

I started the first part of my Camino through the Aragon and Navarra. Two weeks. Came home and was nonplussed at the consumer society we live in. I felt that the material things in this life could be given away. I will leave for Santiago in mid September from Pamplona or Bilbao and wonder how the return will be. For now, it is just planning..and can’t wait to leave.
Will I return home to want to sell everything and move to a cave without Internet? Seriously.

trecile · Jul 5, 2023

ThreeCaminos said:
What makes it difficult is talking to people that haven’t walked the Camino and don’t understand your experience. Find a group or individuals that hav experienced the walk

You are so right. You can show your friends and family photos, but they can't convey the feelings that you have while you are on the Camino.

There is an active American Pilgrims chapter in Portland that can help. I have also found helping aspiring pilgrims plan for their Caminos to be fulfilling.

Portlandia Chapter - American Pilgrims on the Camino

The regional chapter of American Pilgrims for western Oregon is centered on Portland. The Portlandia Chapter of American Pilgrims on the Camino hosts events and walks for people interested in walking or who have walked the Camino de Santiago.

americanpilgrims.org

Rick M · Jul 5, 2023

Can I offer a way of thinking about this subject that might be useful? Post-Camino syndrome is definitely a thing, and it catches most newly minted peregrinos by surprise. Besides, I think this gets a little better with every telling........ ;^)

Everyone has a deck of priorities. Your mother loaded your first deck when you were a 5-year old. "Wash your hands, stop hitting your sister". Later, your teachers did the same thing, inserting new cards into your priority deck. "Don't be late for class, think before you speak, apply yourself", and so on. For most of us, your priority deck is something we are barely aware of, but it dictates what we do with our everyday lives. By the time we reach adulthood, the priority deck has been thoroughly loaded by those who care about us. Then new priorities start to get inserted into the deck. "Don't forget our anniversary, figure out how to get rich, take the car in for maintenance, get that new project completed by next Thursday", and the deck gets thicker.

One day, you slipped a card of your own making into your priority deck. That card said "Go on Camino". It took a while to make its way to the top of the pile, but you got it to bubble up there eventually. That card is a joker, because it causes you to suspend drawing any other cards from the deck for an extended period of time. It also gave you a chance to realize that you have stopped drawing day-to-day priority cards from your deck. As we all know, Camino is a Walk-Eat-Sleep-Repeat proposition, and not much else. Some of us find this empowering or exhilarating, while for others it can be panic inducing. Either way, you spend a month disconnected from the priority deck has been driving your decision making and actions for your entire life.

For most of us, Camino is not just a suspension from drawing cards, it is a chance to turn the deck over and spread it out on the table. You have a golden opportunity to take the deck offline, and have a look at it - instead of being driven by it. Camino is a chance to reshuffle your own priority deck, adding new cards, throwing some away, and changing the order in which they will appear. With a little practice, you can come home from Camino with a priority deck loaded with your deliberate intentions, not the random flotsam inserted by others, or old leftovers from another time.

For some though, Camino leaves their priority deck in a messy, disorganized scatter. It can be paralyzing. Even recognizing what all these cards mean is a challenge, let alone stacking them up in some coherent order. My advice is to clean up the mess the same way all messes are cleaned up. Get all the cards facing the same way. Pick the obviously important ones, and put them on the top. Throw out the ones that are obviously worthless or broken. Put the rest, and that might be most of them, at the bottom of the pile. You can deal with getting the order perfect on your next Camino. For now, just concentrate on the priorities that you know matter.

joslin · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I have been walking el Camino de Santiago for few years, every time that I come back home I am sad. I wanted to go back and keep walking.

PrayerPose25 · Jul 5, 2023

When I finished my first (so far) Camino last year, my husband met me in Santiago, we met friends in France, and I immediately got onto a boat with 11 other people for 3 weeks. It was, as you say so well, a HARD landing. Going from long days of extreme solitude and space to even longer days of feeling trapped and a little like a kettle of boiling water, I had no time or room to unwind and figure out my feelings. Everyone on the boat wanted to know everything! They asked me a million questions that I didn't know the answers to. It was unsettling and yet, I felt like a false version of myself, trying to so hard to not be "that person" that ruined the vacation for everyone else, and more importantly, not ruin a wonderful opportunity with fantastic people for myself.

When I finally got home, I didn't know what to make of my Camino. It really wasn't for a couple months back into a routine that I realized it had changed me. But so had my experience on the boat. ALL of it had changed me. They both forced me to look at what I was willing to accept for the good of other people and what I wasn't for my own good. Lots of other things too, but even today, a year later, I keep discovering bits of myself and life that I want to change... and not.

Give it time to see how it impacted you. Don't feel bad if you don't see the fruits of it for a while. Life does have a way of becoming real again, quickly, but that doesn't mean that the Camino feelings and lessons won't show up when you least expect it.

RESOMERS · Jul 5, 2023

My husband and I finished the last 100 km of the Portuguese Camino on May 10, 2023. It was not a long Camino (10 days) but we did get the Compostela. We both reflected that within a week of finishing we felt like it hadn't happened. I came home and tested positive for Covid. So I isolated for 2 weeks. I spent a lot of time thinking about the Camino, I couldn't do much else. In a way I was fortunate in that I did not have to jump back into life as I knew it before the Camino. But, I watched "The Way" three times after I got home and started following this website to remind me of what I had experienced. I think visiting this website is like sitting around a holiday dinner table and sharing memories. You laugh, you reflect. Stay with us, it will help.

AllisonMarie · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I think the Camino which we must walk every day of our life is a much harder Camino than the one we travel to Spain for, and maybe that only gets highlighted for us, painfully sometimes, when we return home. I have not even walked it yet, that is coming up for me in September. Even so, it is easy for me to imagine feeling very similar to you upon my return.

I do wonder about a couple possibilities which might be compounding your pain. One is that sometimes we do not allow ourselves to just feel our full grief, like that of finishing such a tremendous experience, and then it haunts us and seeps into everything, and makes the experience feel far away and unreal. Sometimes we come back from a big experience like the Camino changed, and part of us may now understand that something really has to change in our life but we don’t want to fully see that yet, so we suffer.

I don’t know, of course, whether any of this applies to you. I am grateful, though, for your honest outcry here; it has braced me for my own likely pain ahead. I hope you find some healing and peace soon!

Hilary Van Norstrand · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
Nah, not really. Not just because of money and visa issues--I missed my partner, the rest of my closet, having a kitchen, sleeping in, and also SOFT BEDS, seriously most mattresses in Spain are much firmer than I like, as a side-sleeper with bony hips!

It'll probably be at least a few years before I can do it again....but that said I'm already thinking "start further back in France? Do the Norte? Start from Portugal????"

I really did!

Do the Primitivo, then all others. One a year! . It is Addicting for sure. Love it sooooo much

MarkyD · Jul 5, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Having read your post and a selection of the numerous replies, I'm not sure what I could add that may be of any help. What I can say is that one of the biggest things that struck me from my first Camino experience was the simple fact that it's a journey and so too is life.

Special moments are often fleeting, maybe they soon fade in the memory, but at least we can be present in the moment when they occur. There are other "journeys" we can take to help us explore more about ourselves and others. Look for something around you or connect with something or with others to start a new journey or continue on one you are already on.

All the distractions of the digital age can lead to over saturation of information that mostly leaves many of us feeling less connected rather than more connected. The simplicity of the pilgrim journey, even in its modern form, gives us a gift of knowing and feeling two things: first, we are not alone and second, others also have their problems, uncertainties, doubts, dreams, plans etc. The pilgrim journey across Spain, especially for most of us city people, also exposes our mind and body to nature and our souls to something unseen yet deeply felt. This might seem intangible now, but it could be a seed that has been planted deep down that needs a bit of nurturing before it can grow and reveal itself. Give it time, care for it whenever you can shut off the chattering mind; slowly it will respond and show you a way, your way.

I don't know about the yellow book, but maybe that might help some people fathom out the unfathomable.

Bueno Camino

trecile · Jul 5, 2023

As far as memories go - my most memorable Camino was last year when I broke my wrist and had to end my Camino. I think that I'll take the hazy memories and "was it all a dream?" feelings over that.

C clearly · Jul 5, 2023

Isn't this similar to many other intense experiences we have - for example, finishing an intense course or project, taking a vacation to somewhere exotic, kids suddenly away from home for some reason, etc. When normal is restored, it quickly feels, well, normal, and it is hard to believe that the different worlds exist!

If one's "normal" life is not satisfying, then one should try to make some improvements or compromises. This isn't a black-and-white case where there are only two ways to live your life.

Rita Flower · Jul 5, 2023

It’s been 7 months since I spent 9 weeks walking the VDLP last autumn. I am just now, in the last month, finding my ‘new’ feet.
I was lucky enough to return home for the Australian summer and spent most of January going for early morning swims and long walks along the coast, then a nap in the afternoon, eat, sleep, repeat …. Sound familiar?
I felt incredibly uncomfortable back in my old life - even though it had felt very comfortable before I left - thought I would have to leave my husband - felt purposeless, strange, sad … and more. I also finished full-time work a few months before I left for my Camino.
All a surprise as this was my third Camino and I thought I had it sorted.

Never thought I would have ‘post Camino blues’.
Some things that helped
Daily reading of the forum; hearing what others were doing, responding to questions; getting to (virtually) know regular contributors and their styles, sharing the love …(I think this has been the main way I have kept my Camino alive)
Planning another Camino - whether I do it or not is irrelevant - anything is possible
Meditation and journaling
Doing some processing with a friend.
Being patient - letting go
Waiting for inner guidance
Knowing that my Camino has stirred things up and that there is some cleaning up to do
Giving it time

May your Camino continue to unfold its blessings (even though they may be uncomfortable for a while) of clarity and peace.
Buen Camino

Anamiri · Jul 5, 2023

C clearly said:
Isn't this similar to many other intense experiences we have - for example, finishing an intense course or project, taking a vacation to somewhere exotic, kids suddenly away from home for some reason, etc. When normal is restored, it quickly feels, well, normal, and it is hard to believe that the different worlds exist!

If one's "normal" life is not satisfying, then one should try to make some improvements or compromises. This isn't a black-and-white case where there are only two ways to live your life.

I even had that when I looked back on old university assignments when packing up to move house. Looking back on something I wrote 25 years ago, and thinking WOW, did I write this?
As I get older I realise that my life is made up of chapters,. some that get revisited, and some that dont.

pjacobi · Jul 5, 2023

I didn't have any problems returning home from the Camino. I believe that is because that I don't see the Camino as some magic ideal place where problems don't exist.

My purpose on the Camino was not to avoid my problems. Quite the contrary, I used the time on the Camino to find new solutions for my problems.

The Camino is not just the days spent in Spain, but every day of your life!

-Paul

paulmlucas · Jul 6, 2023

Peregrina,
Congratulations on completing your Camino! I know well that the hardest part of the journey is returning home and continuing with life in the “real” world. You have received excellent answers, support and love from Forum members, but because you live in Portland as I do I’d like to share my experiences. Hopefully, they will be of interest to you. I returned from my fifth Camino about 2 months ago. As usual it has been difficult to adjust and to try to incorporate my Camino experiences into my life here. After this Camino I have realized that I am also experiencing Culture Shock returning to my home town. I loved the experience of walking through the countryside and villages on the Camino. The Spanish people were wonderful and I loved the opportunity to experience their unhurried way of life. Returning to Portland is hard. So noisy, so much litter and so much traffic. Cars and trucks here are so much larger and noisier than in Europe. Our speed limits are much higher than on Spanish roads which means cars drive much faster. Like you I am fortunate to live a car-free life, however, Portland’s roads are designed for cars and not for people. It is very difficult to walk and bicycle in Portland. It takes time to re-adjust to life here.

Perhaps for you too Culture Shock slows the process of adjustment down. I trust that you will adjust. And you because of your accomplishment of having walked the Camino will always be a Peregrina! How special!

Best wishes to you. ¡Buen Camino!

Robo · Jul 6, 2023

What a great thread you have started here @april_pdx
I'm sure there are many who are reading this and now realising they are not alone in these feelings.
It's comforting I think.

David Tallan · Jul 6, 2023

I also had a hard landing after my first long trip abroad (6 months in Europe and the Middle East). I used to say I didn't get culture shock when I went abroad but when I came home.

I think you have a great insight when you write:

april_pdx said:
All of which is to say, that ironically, bringing the Camino home for me would mostly be about making time for things that bring joy--spending more time eating/drinking with friends, going on long walks, and regular prayer, for instance. I took a one-day class in stained glass because I was so inspired by my visit to the Leon cathedral! (The project I finished and took home was very simple, but everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?)

I think there is also an element of finding joy in everyday things that we experience on the Camino that can help: cold water on a hot day, the sound of birdsong, seeing the sunrise, etc. The Camino gives us lots of opportunity to live in and appreciate the moment. We can't do that all the time at home. We have to do some planning and preparation. We have more responsibilities. But we can all find moments to dwell in and appreciate. That might be another way to bring the Camino home.

Richard Smith · Jul 6, 2023

>> I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.
Give it (and yourself) some time.
The impact of the camino can be subtle and can take a while - but IMO is long lasting.

trecile · Jul 6, 2023

paulmlucas said:
The Spanish people were wonderful and I loved the opportunity to experience their unhurried way of life.

I'm not sure that the majority of Spaniards would agree that they have an unhurried way of life - have you seen the way that workers in some small bars single handedly take orders, make coffee, and heat food for every customer in the place?

Anthony Rocco · Jul 6, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Our "let down" started in Santiago. We couldn't understand the folks kissing the ground and dancing for joy. Yes, we were pleased that we finished the long trek from SJPdP, but we didn't want to leave. We wanted to keep going. But we knew we couldn't. So...we immediately started planning our next camino. This perked us up nicely and made for a soft landing when we got home.

dbier · Jul 6, 2023

Moderators, could you perhaps provide a link to the old "The Inner Journey" thread for the newer readers? There are several poems and prayers in that thread that may be of use to some readers here as they process their emotions.

Buen Camino.

C clearly · Jul 6, 2023

dbier said:
Moderators, could you perhaps provide a link to the old "The Inner Journey" thread for the newer readers?

This is something that any forum member can do - doesn't have to be a moderator. Find the thread you want to link, copy the URL, come back to the new post you are composing, highlight the words you want to hold the link, click on the chain link icon, paste the URL, and Save.

Crossroads Travel · Jul 6, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I found the trick to settling back in is to actually shake up where you are at and do some of the things you loved about Camino at home in your life Camino. Go for long walks, talk to people in the street, in the shops, at the bus stop etc. Think about the changes you want to see in your life. Did you have an intention while on your Camino? Maybe contemplate the conversations you had that inspired you, what was the topic and how it relates to your life now. Life continues and usually, when you return you have energetically changed a little, yet you are possibly not being mindful of how that looks. I guess looking inward you may find some of your answers. Buen Camino

dbier · Jul 6, 2023

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/the-inner-journey.3417/

I suggest this thread because it's one of the first places that I found the Prayer at La Faba (Fraydino), but the thread contains a multitude of other observations, both religious and secular, on the nature of Camino and, to an extent, on considerations on how to regard the changes in your life.

PS...not as easy as I thought, so if the link doesn't work, I'm sorry.

JabbaPapa · Jul 6, 2023

april_pdx said:
And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I had a bit of that after my first arrival in Santiago in 1993, but by the Grace of God, I had a second arrival a few days later that made me a pilgrim.

Generally, when I meet pilgrims with these sorts of feelings, I think -- they should have walked a longer Camino.

Ideally, there's a process towards the end of one's 1st or 2nd Camino where you get sick of it and want it to stop ; carry on regardless through stubbornness or bloody-mindedness or Faith or Hope or companionship or whatever ; dump your mental baggage, and realise that just carrying on is the basis of it, and the heart of its joy.

When you "get" the simplicity of it, it's there forever.

But you DO need to hack through all of the difficulties, one way or another, to see how little important they really are.

AidaYYC · Jul 6, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Hi April,
I did my first Camino in Sept/Oct of 2022 (delayed from 2020 and we all know why) and to say that I poured my heart and soul into it, it's putting it mildly; after all I was doing it for a variety of reasons a) in memory of my mother who loved Spain & its culture but never did visit; b) my love of ancient history ie., Roman Empire & the Moorish invasion, which I had learned of while touring Morocco & Andalusian Spain a few years earlier; 3) my innate love of Spain imparted through my mother; 4) as an spiritual journey of both introspection, forgiveness & letting go something I had been holding on for 40 years.

I always maintained it would be my one & only Camino, yet when I returned home back in Western Canada I felt the void, the vacuum that you described; moreover it felt as if all had been a dream. I also looked at my postings on IG and the multitude of photos both on my phone and camera (yes, I did carry a DSLR) yet all seemed surreal. I felt compelled to go out with my backpack in the early morning cold, but felt something missing. Thank goodness I belong to my city's chapter of Camino Pilgrims and joined a gathering I was greeted with great joy at my accomplishment and all wanted to know how it had gone bringing news from the Camino post-covid. I also rejoined their weekly hikes and began mentoring those who were getting ready to leave for their first Caminos. All of which has been immensely healing of those feelings of emptiness and here I find myself planning a second camino, this time it will be the Portuguese from Lisbon in April 2024 for which I am really excited.

April, do yourself a favour and join your city's chapter of Camino Pilgrims and you will find solace in their camaraderie & fellowship, join their hikes, just being on trail again will do you a world of good. Buen Camino, pilgrim

lalaone · Jul 6, 2023

While we've never had the privilege of visiting the Pilgrim House in Santiago de Compostela, they offer a fantastic post-Camino questionnaire. Empathetic. Sensitive. Thoughtful. We are still considering these questions a year later, as the journey continues. Thank you with all our hearts @natefaith.

Post-Camino Reflection Guides | Pilgrim House Sdc

One of our goals here at Pilgrim House is to help pilgrims reflect on and process the myriad of things that happened during the Camino. To that end, we offer these guides as a sort of “self-debrief” to work through post-Camino. Some of these questions may...

www.pilgrimhousesantiago.com

henrythedog · Jul 6, 2023

paulmlucas said:
Peregrina,
Congratulations on completing your Camino! I know well that the hardest part of the journey is returning home and continuing with life in the “real” world. You have received excellent answers, support and love from Forum members, but because you live in Portland as I do I’d like to share my experiences. Hopefully, they will be of interest to you. I returned from my fifth Camino about 2 months ago. As usual it has been difficult to adjust and to try to incorporate my Camino experiences into my life here. After this Camino I have realized that I am also experiencing Culture Shock returning to my home town. I loved the experience of walking through the countryside and villages on the Camino. The Spanish people were wonderful and I loved the opportunity to experience their unhurried way of life. Returning to Portland is hard. So noisy, so much litter and so much traffic. Cars and trucks here are so much larger and noisier than in Europe. Our speed limits are much higher than on Spanish roads which means cars drive much faster. Like you I am fortunate to live a car-free life, however, Portland’s roads are designed for cars and not for people. It is very difficult to walk and bicycle in Portland. It takes time to re-adjust to life here.

Perhaps for you too Culture Shock slows the process of adjustment down. I trust that you will adjust. And you because of your accomplishment of having walked the Camino will always be a Peregrina! How special!

Best wishes to you. ¡Buen Camino!

All those lovely little local people just living the dream in their carefree, calm and unhurried way. So picturesque.

Former member 108241 · Jul 7, 2023

This is such a beautiful thread with so many kind and thoughtful responses offered. I've learned a lot.

AidaYYC · Jul 7, 2023

Richard Smith said:
>> I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.
Give it (and yourself) some time.
The impact of the camino can be subtle and can take a while - but IMO is long lasting.

I agree in that the Camino is transforming but ever so subtly. I know I am changed and I like what I have become. Buen Camino, pilgrim

babsia · Jul 8, 2023

paulmlucas said:
Peregrina,
Congratulations on completing your Camino! I know well that the hardest part of the journey is returning home and continuing with life in the “real” world. You have received excellent answers, support and love from Forum members, but because you live in Portland as I do I’d like to share my experiences. Hopefully, they will be of interest to you. I returned from my fifth Camino about 2 months ago. As usual it has been difficult to adjust and to try to incorporate my Camino experiences into my life here. After this Camino I have realized that I am also experiencing Culture Shock returning to my home town. I loved the experience of walking through the countryside and villages on the Camino. The Spanish people were wonderful and I loved the opportunity to experience their unhurried way of life. Returning to Portland is hard. So noisy, so much litter and so much traffic. Cars and trucks here are so much larger and noisier than in Europe. Our speed limits are much higher than on Spanish roads which means cars drive much faster. Like you I am fortunate to live a car-free life, however, Portland’s roads are designed for cars and not for people. It is very difficult to walk and bicycle in Portland. It takes time to re-adjust to life here.

Perhaps for you too Culture Shock slows the process of adjustment down. I trust that you will adjust. And you because of your accomplishment of having walked the Camino will always be a Peregrina! How special!

Best wishes to you. ¡Buen Camino!

paulmlucas said:
I add as a Portland Pilgrim who just returned: Forest Park, Mt. Tabor, Kelley Butte, etc....we have great places here that I thought of often on the camino.

Sometimes, when walking (& struggling) on the camino, I would tell myself "It's just a walk to Kenton".
Do what you can to walk where you are and take in the good parts.

robert hailwood · Jul 8, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

What can happen I believe is that the Camino opens doors to our deeper selves and new possibilities. On return to our regular lives can be harsh and unsettling. Be patient with yourself now. Opportunities to integrate your life at a deeper level have been experienced. Can you see a new way to approach current situations?

Kathie63119 · Jul 8, 2023

trecile said:
I'm not sure that the majority of Spaniards would agree that they have an unhurried way of life - have you seen the way that workers in some small bars single handedly take orders, make coffee, and heat food for every customer in the place?

Interesting. It was actually a server in a small bar, who was originally from Colombia, who told me that what he loved most about Spain was the relaxed pace of life!

martin1ws · Jul 8, 2023

I walked my first Camino in 2018. I liked it so much - even if there were many bad moments as well (like e. g. bed bugs moments...). I had read about the man who never stopped walking...
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jul/03/hiking-walking-nimblewill-nomad-mj-eberhart

and I asked me during my camino: Do I want to be on the camino forever? Well, no, not forever (because of wife, children, friends, parents, ...). But even if I do not want to walk forever... on the last evening in Santiago, after returning from Finisterre... I sat together with another pilgrim until late in the night and much of the time we talked about how and when we could return with job / family / ...
At home again I had probably a mild form of camino blues... and without the break in the next year I walked a camino in every year since 2018...
and after each camino when I come home I think... I would want to walk again, very, very soon... so even when the camino blues gets less strong it will be probably come again for me.

Some things help a little bit (walking at home, planning the next camino, reading here in the forum (e.g. about camino blues), trying to live a normal life that is a little bit more similar to the camino life (very difficult for me), ...)
(my next camino starts in Porto on August, the 21st, with my two daughters)

Buen Camino!

Lady Remnants · Jul 8, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

Hi April, Oh my gosh, so many lovely comments for your dilemma. It seems like your camino time was very different from your normal "life", and you say you want to run away from your life; this stood out for me. Maybe you see the differences between your normal life and the camino life as being too big to bridge; maybe you can't envision how you could create some camino-like feelings or thoughts (or lack of thoughts?) for yourself. I believe this is possible to do, but you don't know where to start. This is too big a question for me to explore with you here completely, but I will say this: try to get the negative thoughts out of the way so you can listen deeply to your own intuition and let it guide you. If this doesn't feel like enough, a good therapist could perhaps guide you as well. I wish you peace as you explore what your spirit is looking for.

WGroleau · Jul 8, 2023

RobertS26 said:
Yes. The first time I came home I felt like a stranger in my own house. A lot of that had to do with actually being embarrassed at all the useless material things I had gathered with the false assumption that consumerism would make me happy just like Madison Avenue (and now the Kardashians) promised.

A very valuable realization. When I retired, I sold my house and hit the road. Over 4½ years in over two dozen countries (seventeen of those months in Spain), I learned that the "experts" were very wrong who told me I would not survive retirement unless I had millions of dollars saved.

LALivingston · Jul 8, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I feel this deeply.

alhartman · Jul 9, 2023

Best thread in ages!! When I finished my first camino in 2005 (it was my consolation prize for a failed Pacific Crest Trail trip) I swore I would never do another. In 2006 walked LePuy and have had another 8 long walks since for a total of some 345 days. And it is only lately that I have realized that, beside loving to walk, i am a repeat offender because I have needed to escape from everyday life!! Its not the spiritually or the camino family, its not the history or the villages, it is just the living daily reduced to wholesome simplicity!! And I have never been able to bring that back into my non-camino life. I have always been a 'collector' of stuff and even tho i quit accumulating in 2013, I still have a legacy of junk surrounding me. But I now also have a legacy of camino memories surrounding me.

WalkingJane · Jul 9, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

My experience has not been identical, but similar. Wishing you peace as you walk this very different path.

elbosterix · Jul 9, 2023

Hi April, I feel you, as many others on this thread.
I just arrived back in Sydney 4 weeks ago. Although I finished my first camino (FranceS) around 12th May, I took 3 weeks to visit family and friends overseas. Since arriving back in Australia, I can hardly recognise myself. Who was that happy chap who made so many friends along the camino and currently can't find what's life purpose?
I am struggling between two minds... the comments about taking time to adjust make sense... although, do we want to forget how we felt and the fact that maybe something has to change?
I never thought it would be this hard to come back home

dbier · Jul 9, 2023

elbosterix said:
Hi April, I feel you, as many others on this thread.
I just arrived back in Sydney 4 weeks ago. Although I finished my first camino (FranceS) around 12th May, I took 3 weeks to visit family and friends overseas. Since arriving back in Australia, I can hardly recognise myself. Who was that happy chap who made so many friends along the camino and currently can't find what's life purpose?
I am struggling between two minds... the comments about taking time to adjust make sense... although, do we want to forget how we felt and the fact that maybe something has to change?
I never thought it would be this hard to come back home

Courage, brothers/sisters. Your Camino hasn't ended, and although it feels like going back to the beginning, you'll actually spiral upwards if you keep going.

LisaWalker · Jul 9, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I hear you. I’m still travelling after my Camino finished on 5 June. I already feel like it was a dream. . I think another one needs to be planned just so I can cope when I try to pick up life again Wednesday when I get home. Good luck!

WalkingJane · Jul 9, 2023

I feel "homesick" for Europe.

leichecerca · Jul 9, 2023

april_pdx said:
I'm home! I've been home for a bit over a month, actually.

And, as I knew would be the case, I came home to a fairly stressful situation. (One too boring/complicated to bother explaining.)

And as I near being home for almost as long as I was gone, it's hard not to feel like my Camino didn't happen?

I keep re-reading my own social media posts just to remind myself that I actually did it. Because right now it feels like it happened to someone else.

I bought the little yellow book on how to deal with coming home, but everything in it either doesn't apply (my Camino didn't give me the urge to give up some belongings; if anything it was a relief to come home to my over-full closet lol) or I've already done it (writing down memories, talking to people about it).

People talk about how the Camino changed them. But I think sometimes it made me worse. Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back. The fact that my Camino feels like a dream, or like someone else's book that I read instead of my own experiences, isn't helping. My laundry and unread messages (including from Camino friends!) and stressful tasks pile up while I re-read my own twitter threads for the billionth time, trying to convince myself I really did the Camino.

I love this thread. Great responses. Now you know, April from PDX, that you are not alone in struggling with dreaded PCS (Post-Camino Syndrome). Alas, there is no real cure, although a repeat Camino (with extra time built in at the end before returning home) can alleviate the symptoms. You mention that talking to others, writing down memories, and looking at pictures doesn’t ease the ache. That has been my experience as well. I went months before I could even look at my Camino pictures, because the sadness of missing it was so strong. I liked my pre-Camino life, but on return I felt like my foundation had a bunch of new, hidden cracks from some silent earthquake that I wasn’t aware of at the time. Six years on, I’m still navigating the fallout. (It does get easier.)

To me the heart of your post was: “Instead of dealing well with my current stressors I just want to run away from my life and go back.” Bingo! No denying it, simplicity can be very addictive. I even felt kind of guilty about having PCS, thinking maybe I was missing the Camino because I’m essentially just very lazy — I loved how it let me hit pause for several delicious weeks and avoid all the pesky, endless decision-making of adulting. Not to mention the magic of living simply and in the moment all the time. It’s harder to do that at home, even with the pared-down, minimalist lifestyle it sounds like you have in PDX. There are always so many distractions and demands on our time.

Guilt over possible addiction to escapism aside: one grand theory of the Camino is that humans are just not meant to live so far from a natural routine where we’re outside in fresh air all day, moving our bodies constantly, and in shared community with like-minded souls. I think the Camino reminds us deep down that we are biologically wired to live closer to nature, move at a slower pace, trust others, and be open to giving & receiving — to live more like pre-industrial villagers, if that makes sense.

Good luck & Buen Camino to you as you navigate.

LifeatNo22 · Jul 10, 2023

Thanks for being honest, April. Firstly, congratulations on completing a Camino. I haven't done one yet though I am a seasoned traveller. I may not be able to do one due to circumstances out of my control though I will enjoy the long walks I intend to keep doing until the time is right. Best of all, the knowledgeable people on this webpage keep me excited about new possibilities. There is always a new distraction to keep us going.

Kia Kaha.

Dani7 · Jul 10, 2023

Rick M said:
Can I offer a way of thinking about this subject that might be useful? Post-Camino syndrome is definitely a thing, and it catches most newly minted peregrinos by surprise. Besides, I think this gets a little better with every telling........ ;^)

Everyone has a deck of priorities. Your mother loaded your first deck when you were a 5-year old. "Wash your hands, stop hitting your sister". Later, your teachers did the same thing, inserting new cards into your priority deck. "Don't be late for class, think before you speak, apply yourself", and so on. For most of us, your priority deck is something we are barely aware of, but it dictates what we do with our everyday lives. By the time we reach adulthood, the priority deck has been thoroughly loaded by those who care about us. Then new priorities start to get inserted into the deck. "Don't forget our anniversary, figure out how to get rich, take the car in for maintenance, get that new project completed by next Thursday", and the deck gets thicker.

One day, you slipped a card of your own making into your priority deck. That card said "Go on Camino". It took a while to make its way to the top of the pile, but you got it to bubble up there eventually. That card is a joker, because it causes you to suspend drawing any other cards from the deck for an extended period of time. It also gave you a chance to realize that you have stopped drawing day-to-day priority cards from your deck. As we all know, Camino is a Walk-Eat-Sleep-Repeat proposition, and not much else. Some of us find this empowering or exhilarating, while for others it can be panic inducing. Either way, you spend a month disconnected from the priority deck has been driving your decision making and actions for your entire life.

For most of us, Camino is not just a suspension from drawing cards, it is a chance to turn the deck over and spread it out on the table. You have a golden opportunity to take the deck offline, and have a look at it - instead of being driven by it. Camino is a chance to reshuffle your own priority deck, adding new cards, throwing some away, and changing the order in which they will appear. With a little practice, you can come home from Camino with a priority deck loaded with your deliberate intentions, not the random flotsam inserted by others, or old leftovers from another time.

For some though, Camino leaves their priority deck in a messy, disorganized scatter. It can be paralyzing. Even recognizing what all these cards mean is a challenge, let alone stacking them up in some coherent order. My advice is to clean up the mess the same way all messes are cleaned up. Get all the cards facing the same way. Pick the obviously important ones, and put them on the top. Throw out the ones that are obviously worthless or broken. Put the rest, and that might be most of them, at the bottom of the pile. You can deal with getting the order perfect on your next Camino. For now, just concentrate on the priorities that you know matter.

Amazing and spot on analogy. You hit the proverbial nail straight on. Thank you for putting into words what many of us are feeling.

I’m looking at my deck, shuffling some cards around and threw out others that no longer serve me.

DwainS · Jul 25, 2023

trecile said:
I know exactly what you mean by the feeling that it was just a dream, or didn't really happen. I finished my Camino just over a week ago, then spent a few days in Amsterdam, and I'm now visiting my son and his wife in Denver before I finally go home, and it all feels like something that happened so long ago.

I have to say that some of the advice about post Camino "processing" that comes from sources like the Yellow book just don't ring true for me.

Its funny how I just came across this thread today as I was just telling some friends that my Camino seemed like it was a dream. Haven't even been back a month but it seems like forever that I walked it. I said to them if I didn't have pictures and my Compostela it would seem like I never walked it. This is not in a bad way, I think I just miss all the great people I met and and the thought of not seeing some of them again is hard for me.

Kitch · Saturday at 4:39 PM

Ok, so this group is young at heart! Love it. I am thinking it actually is a little more exciting to just wing it a little more on my hike. I guess one question I have is did you just have your...

emmarosegardner · Nov 7, 2024

Has anyone walked the Camino while "shy" or introverted? I (26 f, USA) am walking the Camino Frances in May 2025 mostly excited but also a bit nervous about the social aspect of the journey. I...

pablovergara · Sunday at 10:17 PM

Greetings all While travelling from Camponaraya to Cacabelos I stumbled this nice little park area with benches and a BBQ area, right past the Wine factory and next to a Car Wash and Gas Station...

wisepilgrim · Friday at 11:29 PM

The Camino Planner As the click-clack of walking sticks fades here in Santiago, the tap-tap of my keyboard picks up with exciting changes planned for 2025. Earlier this summer, we published the...

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Just curious. I'm sure we ran a poll somewhere. But I wonder in any given year, what the % of return Pilgrims might be? A large proportion of us here seem to 'repeat offenders' but we are only a...

pablovergara · Saturday at 10:28 AM

Given the nature of this post, the Moderators ask that forum members contact @pablovergara directly, either via the direct message feature on the forum or via the other social media sites where he...

A hard landing upon returning home

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