Dear friend,
In general, fears, doubts, insecurities, lack of confidence, pain, suffering, and dissapointments, are serious and valid feelings to confront and deal with. Some say they're a part of everyday living. Others, that they don't exist, they're imaginary. Me? I don't know. The older I get, the more I experience and learn, the less I know. That's why am in the forum, to learn!
We deal with the above on a daily basis, consciouly/unconsciously, from lesser to larger extent, each one in his/her own way(s), but we do it. Maybe not too well, pretty well other times, surely to the best of our ability, as we continue living, growing, evolving into, hopefully, better humans.
There's a situation that has presented itself for you in a far away land, for reasons that may not be important. Folks say it's about something called "transforming." May be. You could have an opportunity to face the above in (a) different way(s):learn how to end them, perhaps, to understand what they may be about and supersede them, to embrace, accept, live with them better and healthier, leave them behind, heal, minimize and/or end the terror they have inflicted, substituting them for new, different, or higher and better things.
It's scary, we may be talking here about opening the "little box" of our personal histories, looking into our life-long few joys and many sorrows, not an easy, pleasent thing, not something that most people would want to do.
Seems that most people, for whatever reason(s), if, again, (a) reason(s) there had to be, lead lives of conformity, never wanting to know how they may evolve to become better beings. It may mean something really terrifying for them to look inside the "little box." No no, takes too much guts and it could be painful. Those people, most people, choose to, like Tenessee Williams said, "lead lives of quiet desperation."
Recently, I shared with a friend that I had a History professor and good friend who used to say that: "la vida es lucha, y mientras hay lucha, hay vida" ("life is a struggle, and while there's a struggle, there's life)."
The Camino means many things to me, from the sacred to the profane (like staying in hotels). One of them, a metaphor for life. The way I lead my life could just be the way I walk the Road. Or, the Camino may give me the perspective I need to look at the way(s) I lead my life, and meditate on what works and what doesn't; there's always room for improvement.
You have no idea how many people I've talked to over the years about the Camino! They have told me it's wonderful (some that's pure madness). Yet, not one of them, as far as I know, have gone and experienced it. That's part of what has led me to believe that the desire to walk to Compostela is a call, a very particular beckoning if you will, for special people, I truly believe this. I don't want to set peregrinos apart and build us to be and sound like super(ior) beings, we're not, far from it. There are nice and not so nice peregrinos, kind and not so kind, even after having done forty Caminos. But the invitation implies the option to become better persons, what we do with it is a personal matter. Hard to leave the past behind, sometimes.
Please forgive me if I sound incoherent, don't make sense, or am rambling off in tangents.
The seed of the Camino planted inside of you, has taken its growth, it needs expansion, and is inviting you to a most formidable adventure. Don't be afraid, there's no worst case scenario here. A new and different world of experiences and adventures await there for you. Not devoid of difficulties and hardship, it's the Camino, life after all, there's a struggle in doing it, that's part of it. But you may just find much beauty on the Camino. And beauty, however you may conceive it (was it Robert Frost that said it?)' "is its own excuse for being."
Go, my friend, without expectations, leave behind your fears, give in to your beauty and growing excitement. The meltdown has already started, no doubt, but the "total meltdown" is waiting for you in Spain. It'll be good and, yes, potentially transforming, but you have to be willing to immerse yourself in it. The C Frances? The C Norte? Doesn't matter, for what we're talking about here. Give yourself in to what you cannot figure out, "the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
Buen Camino, peregrina,
xm 8)