Need help, I just lost my only child 3 months ago and feel called to the El Camino

Missing Mike · Mar 9, 2016

My only son, my beloved Mike is gone with no warning. So I walk this El Camino to find life, purpose and a will to live if it is meant to be. This is what I have so far--This is a journey for me, not a race, as it is the journey of my life right now.

I plan to leave Austin, TX to Madrid--April 26th
Return from Madrid--June 8

which roughly gives me 44 days give or take a day or two for travel (should I allow more days?).

I have done hiking before to Yellowstone and Grand Tetons along and though out Europe staying in Hostels and always traveling alone.

I am 4'10" (I wished) and currently weight 109 lbs. So how big can my pack/rig be and most important what is most important for me to carry considering my weight and of course Kleenex. These packs can be so expensive so which would be the best given my height and weight? I went to REI last night and that was an eye opener.

I figure I will start the uphill climb first, since that seems to mirror my life so far. Where I go, when and how I will get there is in God's/Spirit's hands.

I figure I will need some poles. I already have walking books which are broken in.

I want to take my phone for pics and text messages home. I figure the best would be to get a new sim card there, but I could be wrong. How will I be able to recharge my phone without it being stolen?

My only son is gone so the simple things in life are about all I can handle. I don't want to go during peak times so that is why I am choosing now. I like the shoulder season for travel.

Life is about the journey, and now without my even seeing it coming, I am on a different one.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Mark Lee · Mar 9, 2016

I'm sorry about the loss of your son. I hope the Camino helps you in dealing with his loss.
As far as equipment advice goes, all I can recommend is that you pack as lightly as you can. You really do not need to carry much, and certainly don't need any real cold weather gear for May and June.
Being that you are petite sized, I would recommend that you carry a backpack no bigger than 35L size and carry the lightest summer weight sleeping bag you can find and the Camino is far from being hiking. It really is just walking.
Make sure your footwear is something that isn't too heavy and will be able to get you across long walks for a month, blister free.
Don't know about the SIM card for the phone, but there is free wi-fi all over the Camino. Albergues, bars, cafes, etc. Maybe you can download and send your photos via the net, on something like Skype or Facebook.
ultreia

BShea · Mar 9, 2016

My exact same dates! If you're on AA flights that connect through DFW we may be on the same flights into and out of Madrid. I'm going on to walk through France, so unfortunately, I won't see you along the Frances... I wish you a healing Camino!

LesBrass · Mar 9, 2016

Hello - I'm am so sorry to read about Mike... there aren't any words that I could offer that you probably haven't already heard... so I won't try. I do though hope the camino can envelope you and help you find your new place in our world.

I started late April last year and did manage to walk the Napolean route but there was still snow. I have a friend starting in a few weeks and he is going the Valcarlos route and he says he's read it beautiful and he's very much looking forward to that section... the pilgrim office in St Jean will guide you on the weather when you arrive.

You may be able to book a night at Orisson to break the Napolean route in two... if you feel it would help you.

I know that a number of far wise folks will be along soon to offer much more help... but I just wanted to wish you a peaceful walk.

Icacos · Mar 9, 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. May you find solace, peace, healing and light on your Camino. Tread lightly.....one day at a time..... I will pray for you.

James R B · Mar 9, 2016

Hey Mike!Sorry for your loss.I've never had children so I could never imagine the pain your going through.When reading of your loss I think of Neil Peart.He's the drummer of the band Rush.He lost his Daughter and wife within 1 year.Maybe his story might give you inspiration.

SusieQ2 · Mar 9, 2016

Yours is a grief I cannot fathom. I pray you find comfort and guidance on your journey. You have come to the right place and you are asking all the right questions. I hope you feel the presence of those here who will have you in their hearts and minds. And may your steps lead you to the answers you are seeking.

Deleted member 36903 · Mar 9, 2016

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I walked the Camino last spring after the death of my beloved partner and found it a good place to shed tears on long walks in solitude, to pray, and to find joy in unexpected places and people. It would be fatuous to say your grief will be healed because it never can be. The loss of those we love is a constant, but it is a bitter-sweet constant in that the sadness we feel open our hearts to others who have had similar experiences, or to those whose lives are filled with a happiness they delight in sharing. Do not be afraid to say to fellow pilgrims when/if you want to walk alone, have silence, they will understand and respect your needs.

On the matter of equipment, other members are better placed to advice about backpacks than I am, but I couldn't have walked the Camino without trekking poles, they really took the strain off this old woman's knee joints as well as providing traction when descending steep hills.

I wish you a Buen Camino and may the happy memories of your son Mike accompany you on your journey.

IDBluebird77 · Mar 9, 2016

Missing Mike,

I have no advice to offer as I have yet to complete my own Camino, but I want to say that my hope for you is that you are embraced by the sacredness of it and that it will soak into the deepest parts of your grief. I am so sorry for the loss of your only son.

I have many reasons for my Camino, but one of them includes moving through my own sorrow of losing 4 children to miscarriage in my 30's. I will walk the Camino the month I turn 40, and it is my way of symbolically leaving that part of my life in the past.

I will be thinking of you April 26th through June 8th.

Buen Camino

Ekelund · Mar 9, 2016

My hearth goes out to you, I hope you find comfort and healing in walking the Camino. Take good care of yourself.
Buen Camino and all the best to you.

rometimed · Mar 9, 2016

- You sound like you'll be fine on 44 days. For me it took about 27 days but took 4 days off while going.

- Meh. Some people like poles but I didn't need them.

- I only used my phone and just uploaded photos via wifi every other day. Wifi is not to hard to get on the Camino but it's not always stellar.

- Hehe you will see when you get into places, usually not many outlets so many people charging at once... not many pilgrams steal. Also I brought 2 USB battery packs to run juice to my phone when i couldn't find a port and they were a big help.

- One dutch gent I walked with a great deal last year had his young daughter die of a disease and he made up a small stone with her name and birth/death dates on it and carried it to Cruze de Ferro... very emotional but good to relieve yourself of your grief.

Aidan21 · Mar 9, 2016

Hi Missing Mike,
There are no words i have to assuage your grief. I guess only time will allow you to find a way to live with it. Walking the Camino will give you so many different experiences, so many new interactions with yourself and other people that it my well be part of your journey to acceptance and more importantly to peace. IMO your present very difficult circumstances are part of your life's journey as is the Camino. Go, be open, be prepared to change and embrace this experience. I wish for you love, acceptance and peace. Buen Camino

zzotte · Mar 9, 2016

I so sorry about your loss, I hope you find peace wherever the path ahead will take you.

zzotte

mickiet2002 · Mar 9, 2016

I lost my Mike as well. He was my husband. We had watched the movie "The Way" a few weeks before he was diagnosed with cancer. We joked with our neighbors that we would all walk the Camino together and push their baby in the baby carriage. Mike was gone in a year. When I made the decision to walk the Camino - it was based on me trying to figure out where he went when he died. Now I realize that I am making the journey to figure out where I went when Mike died. I will leave the US on the 13th of April. I should be in SJDP and ready to walk out on the 16th, with my return scheduled for the 18th of May.

I have read many recommendations - and they typically say your pack should not be more than 10% of your body weight. I purchased a lot of my items from Cabela's. They have consistently been cheaper with their prices. I have been preparing for about a year now - and have out walked two pairs of hiking boots. I am breaking in a new pair now.

I have been to Spain several times, and lived in Southern Spain for a year, I don't think on the Camino your phone will get stolen. But you can probably charge it during the day at a coffee shop or something? I don't know.

Anyway try Cabela's - Buen Camino

peregrina2000 · Mar 9, 2016

Hello, Missing Mike,

As others have said, know that we send our heartfelt sympathy, though most of us cannot even begin to understand your grief. The Camino is not a magic potion, but I have no doubt that spending a month focusing on nothing other than walking will give you time to begin to come to grips with your new reality. I have been walking caminos for 15 years and have met a lot of people walking in your circumstances. It never ceases to amaze me how freely people on the Camino expose their most vulnerable parts, describe their most tragic moments, their regrets, their sorrows. In some ways it's a kind of risk-free environment. You are unlikely to see most of these people ever again, except for those with whom you have made strong bonds, and frequently those bonds arise exactly because you are able to share parts of yourself that you never would discuss in "the real world" with casual encounters.

It is good to focus on the practical side of things, to maximize the likelihood that you will be able to keep walking. Since you are so lucky as to have an REI, I would trust them completely. Their return policy is astonishingly generous, and you will be attended by people who are true fanatics about outdoor activities.

Your camino has already begun! Buen camino, Laurie

Lydia Gillen · Mar 9, 2016

My heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of your dear son Mike. I am continuing a Camino and start on Burgos on the 20th, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Be gentle with yourself and walk slowly into the camino. Someone else suggested booking into Orison and I would strongly agree. You have plenty of time so take that first week slowly.
Buen Camino, Lydia.

Kanga · Mar 9, 2016

It is an aching sorrow and loss @Missing Mike. I and others can offer our heartfelt sympathy but that is no consolation. The Camino will not change your loss but my hope is that the it will give you distraction from grief, confidence in your ability to survive difficulty, some unexpected pleasures and finally, the knowledge that joy will eventually return to your life, even if that is still in the future.

A "Buen Camino" that we so lightly say, actually encompasses a lot. I wish it for you.

As to the practicalities? I would say you need to be carrying as little as possible. Consider getting your pack transported, at least for the first week or so. Don't be too hard on yourself, decision-making is probably not your best suit at present. You have done well to get this far. If you can get your tickets, chose a pack, throw in some clothes, you will be fine. Yes, take poles. Or buy some along the way if the decision is too hard and you are not sure. You are giving yourself plenty of time and going at a good time of the year. Just about anything you need can be purchased along the way.

MaidinBham · Mar 9, 2016

@Missing Mike - so very sorry to learn of Mike's death. But I am so excited for you as you start this journey - it is the "medicine" you need, and I can tell by your post that you feel this also.
Be sure you are fitted for whatever pack you choose - and REI is good place to start, and they have excellent return policy. Buy the best pack you can afford and weigh everything that will go in your pack. I loved the one I choose - it is gender specific, lightweight (weight of pack should be included in total weight) and good quality. Osprey Sirrus 36L. I am short also, and this model is the small I believe with a 16" torso size, which sounds like it would fit you.
Trekking poles I would suggest Black Diamond z-poles ultra-distance carbon fiber, weighs 9 oz/pair and collapse to ~13 inch length. They are not adjustable - so choose the right size ?100 cm.
Allow yourself a few extra days from what you think you will need to walk 500 + miles. You wont regret giving yourself a few extra, but if you dont, you will regret it!
The only electronic on Camino Francis I carried was a iPod Touch 5 with google voice and other app to make phone calls, email, facetime, write journal to Facebook and send pics. I didn't worry too much about theft on the Camino, but I always kept my valuables with me in secondary bag/purse. Wifi is all over the CF, so not sure if you will need sim. But if you buy one - just get it local when you arrive - cost start at $10. Make sure your phone is Global, unlocked GSM
Yes climbing to the top first, over the Pyrenees is a great first Camino. Try to get a bed at Orrison, but book ahead - it seems like it is becoming harder and harder to get a bed there.
I know you said simple, and maybe above seems a little complicated, and maybe creates more questions? Lots of great resources on this forum and so welcome, and perhaps we shall meet on The Way, as I leave Delaware April 26th for Camino Portugues.
And yes, bring lots of Kleenex - you are going to cry a lot! But you will have a smile on your face and love in your heart.
Remember the memento of Mike, you will leave it on the path <3 <3

Buen Camino,

Janice

Seabird · Mar 10, 2016

My heart grieves with you, having recently lost our oldest son and only granddaughter. I believe the Camino will move us forward, as we must do so in life.

I leave in four weeks, and so am walking during a similar time frame. Instead of a sleeping bag, I am using a [/B] I bought. It weighs a total of 600g. I've tested the system and it works fine for me, but I am a warm sleeper. If needed, I will also add a blanket from the albergue.

Do not worry if you feel you haven't enough time to prepare. I believe what others have said, based upon their own experiences: The Camino will provide you with what you need.

Joodle · Mar 10, 2016

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. This journey may be just the thing to help you realize that life does go on and that you want to live yours to it's fullest. I too have suffered loss in these last few years. I am taking my journey to help me understand that there is a reason I am still here and that I was not just an identical twin, but that I am a unique individual. I pray that you can begin to work through your grief and feel that joy that this life can bring. I am sure i will be doing some crying along the way as I work through my accumulated grief also. You are welcome to start out with me. I am starting out May 12th from St Jean Pied de Port. Blessings!

Missing Mike · Mar 10, 2016

Thank you!!

gidivet · Mar 10, 2016

Dear @Missing Mike. My heart goes out to you and I offer my sincere sympathy.

Walking my first Camino was just what I needed to take stock of my life after a (different kind of) big change.

Regarding gear and preparations - Keep it simple. You can buy almost everything in the bigger centres e.g. Pamplona, but there is a well stocked shop even in SJPP, if you find out you forgot something.

Experienced forum members can offer wise advice - this is a rich resource to explore and search. It feels like a family to me, people are warm and helpful.
If you plan to cross the Pyrenees at the end of April you may well encounter snow, listen to advice at the pilgrim office in SJPP, pack insulated gloves especially if walking with poles.
Finally, walk your own camino - it's so easy to try and keep up with people you meet and feel close to, but listen to your body. You may well bump into familiar people again and again anyway.

I will travel from the UK to Madrid and Pamplona on the 26th April and will remember you in my prayers as you also travel that day.

Welcome to the forum and Buen Camino!

Gideon

rometimed · Mar 10, 2016

Further to Gideon's point the trekking store in SJPP is actually very inexpensive in comparison to most outdoor stores, IMO.

CaminoDebrita · Mar 10, 2016

@Missing Mike --I am so heartbroken for you. The idea to walk out some of this grief, from which it feels as though there is no escape or comfort, is a wonderful idea. I am so glad that you have made this choice.

We lost my only brother, and I have had losses too, in addition to that. I know it makes no sense, and it is so hard to come to terms with your boy's absence.

You will find that many people walking El Camino de Santiago are walking out a huge loss, a burden that they need to work through. There is nothing like a pilgrimage to work out some of the grief. It is a preoccupation like no other.

You will also find yourself sitting on rocks crying on some days, and that is quite okay. I am sure that very little is of any comfort, but I assure you that many grieving parents have made this journey.

With deep compassion for your loss---

And Buen Camino, pilgrim,

Deb

VNwalking · Mar 10, 2016

Heartfelt condolences to you, Missing Mike. You could be doing nothing better right now.
There is little to add to the advice you've already received, except when you pack to keep it light and simple--and don't worry about forgetting something. Spain and France have pretty much everything you could possibly need.
Step by step. The Camino teaches us how to be contented with things as they are, as well as to recognize and be grateful for the small blessings that arrive every day. This has been a hugely healing journey for so many people, for almost a thousand years. The support of that and of fellow pilgrims and hospitaleros and regular folks here and now...well, it's all a deep gift.
May it be so for you too.
Ultreia (='onward') and Buen Camino!

Anemone del Camino · Mar 10, 2016

So many people walk the Camino after heart breaking losses like the one you have just gone through. I did after my mother's unexpexted passing, when I felt I had lost my bearings, my identity. I cannot beging to understand the pain of losing a child, an only son.

While walking I met people whose lives had the strangest most unexpected links, similarities, to my mother's life. I called it Camino Magic, as it was as if these people were put on this path just for me. To teach me something. I often thought I heard foot steps behind me only to turn around and be alone.

Walking did not erase the pain, but helped the process. And now that I have become a Camino addict I know that if it hadn't been for my mother's passing I would not have discovered this joy.

I wish you to find some peace as you walk, that you are able to feel moments of joy as you connect with a very simple lifestyle, the sun, the ground, the chirping birds, croaking frogs. May you meet people who touch your heart and whose heart you touch, may this walk be the begining of a healing process.

Buen Camino Missing Mike.
.

Urban Trekker · Mar 10, 2016

I am so sorry. Parents are not supposed to out live their children. It a heavy burden that you carry.

If you have been to REI stick with them, staff are all multi sport outdoor enthusiasts. All they sell is outdoor gear, back packing, trekking, skiing, biking, rock climbing. No guns or amo, no golf stuff, no weight training gear, no fishing equipment. Yes they are expensive but worth it. Print out gear and packing lists from this forum and take them with you.

Pay the $20 to become a lifetime member, that way you will get a dividend check from REI every March. With the exception of this forum I have found REI to be the most knowledgeable when it comes to outdoor and back packing gear and no one can beat their 1 year "if you don't like it bring it back" guarantee.
Buen Camino

Tony

movinmaggie · Mar 10, 2016

"My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall go on living"…..Pablo Neruda

soozansings · Mar 10, 2016

Hugs, blessings and peace. Buen camino.

AlwynWellington · Mar 10, 2016

@Missing Mike, my pilgrimage, starting in three weeks, is in honour of my wife who died 16 months ago and my outdoor focused youngest son who died 14 years ago, and to help me "move forward". So I have some insights into your decision making at this time.

@Kanga is saying, as Albert Einstein said earlier, "keep things as simple as possible, but not simpler". A pack, some clothes/socks (wear one set, pack another), a light-weight sleeping bag, a light floppy hat to keep the sun of your neck, and go. For water, buy a (small) PET bottle of fizzy-pop (drink it if you want to) and fill up with aqua-tappa: it will go in a side pocket on your pack. Yes, poles. You have broken in boots and socks. For your phone, buy a simple charger (and anything else you might need) in St-Jean (and other major towns your encounter): stay with your phone when charging.

Keeping it simple, I suggest not worrying about a SIM card for the first week: use WiFi for emails.

To make certain you last more than a few days, begin training specific to your journey.

I suggest you start with going up hills, working up to a regular diet of, say, 700 metres of elevation before lunch with your full pack on your back. This has the advantage of getting you used to going up hills (and coming down) till you are not worried by hills. And this will also give you distance training. I appreciate you may be aware of this aspect of walking in Spain.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again (however that might be),
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Ultreia (keep striving)
Kia kaha (be brave / strong)
Buen camino / Haere ra ka pai (journey well)

David · Mar 10, 2016

@missingmike - I am so sorry .. I burst into tears when I read your post. The dread of every parent .... such a loss .... but, you seem a courageous person, a person willing to move forward ... a person - noting the kleenex - who is not afraid to enter the pain .. I think you will do very well indeed on your pilgrimage.

The Cruz de Ferro is an important place for what is in your heart; if I may suggest, take something that remembers you both, and leave it there.

One can think that one will never laugh again but this is not true. Nor is it right to feel guilty to laugh, nor to love ... life goes on, and I do not believe that he would want you to stay held within your sorrow ..... this may seem facile but if you have not watched the film The Way, with Martin Sheen, could I suggest that you do? - it is relevant to your situation (they are cheap on Ebay).
As for practical things ... you are obviously a seasoned hiker and traveller and are used to being alone, so it is not surprising that you have given yourself the right amount of time .... as you are coming unexpectedly, as it were, you may be tempted to bring all that you may need with you - don't do this, travel as light as possible. The Camino is not like hiking in a national park where you need so much survival stuff, it is a daily repeated 'stroll'. Spain is full of shops so you can get anything you find you do need and as you already know, walking light and walking heavy makes a Huge difference.

Be kind to yourself ... be willing to laugh as well as to cry - religious people, when confronted with such a terrible shock can have problems with their "faith". It is worth knowing that the original word, before it was translated from the Greek to the Latin then to English was "trust" - and that is what we all have to do; Trust .... that all is well, that all will be well ...however it may appear right now.

our hearts, all of us, go out to you ... your son is gone, but not lost, not lost at all ...a poem for you ....

Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" "Here she comes!"

I wish you a Buen Camino xx

lovingkindness · Mar 10, 2016

..bon courage
y buen camino...

purplesage · Mar 10, 2016

Missing Mike, May The Almighty show us all his MERCY. Your grief is known only to our Creator and to you. May you walk in His light and carry to him the burden of your loss. Peace be with you. Buen Camino, Caesar

NualaOC · Mar 10, 2016

@Missing Mike, I was very moved by your post. I can't imagine your pain and there's nothing I can say that could possibly ease the pain of such a terrible loss.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have created a very beautiful and memorable thread on this forum, and a safe place for others to share their their own stories and insights. I'm also very grateful to those who generously shared their experiences in response to your post. There's a great collective wisdom and support on this forum, from which I continue to learn.

I'm fortunate not to have experienced a loss as great as yours, but walking the Camino helped me to heal other wounds and find hope and strength in ways that I couldn't have imagined. I wish you well and I really hope that your Camino brings you peace, comfort and healing.

Others have given you good advice about the practical side of things. You are very petite, so the 'rule' about carrying 10% of your bodyweight isn't very practical. Take as little as you can, but enough to keep you warm and comfortable (including a hat and gloves). There are plenty of places to buy anything that you don't have, so I suggest that you prioritise your feet and back for the first few days - comfortable shoes/boots and a well-fitting backpack with good lumbar support. Take things gently in those first days, if that's what you need.

Buen Camino and Ultreia

Pruden · Mar 10, 2016

I feel sorry for the lost of your son!
So many things has been said here , I haven't read all but I think you should check at internet What to pack for Camino de Santiago , and figure out what to take any what not to take ,according to your likes and your personal likes !
Buen Camino and I hope you will find what you are looking for in your heart!

Harington · Mar 10, 2016

May love and prayers go with you, and help you to heal.

ELHS220 · Mar 10, 2016

I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your son. I don't know where you are spiritually, but may I suggest the following. Last May-June I walked the Camino over a period of 41 days, five of which were days of rest. For my spiritual intention, I chose the health of the young son of a friend of mine. He had been under treatment for childhood leukemia for about a year and a half. After suffering two relapses, he received a bone marrow transplant last March. I took 50 pictures of him with me. Every day I placed one, and occasionally two, somewhere along the day's route. Most of the time I chose a church or a chapel, but sometimes I used outdoor monuments, crosses, etc. Perhaps leaving a picture or personal item of your son's along the way would help bring you comfort and peace. I wish you Buen Camino.

Phil W · Mar 10, 2016

Missing Mike, I am so sorry for your loss. I am finding as I prepare for my Camino journey that there are many caring people in this forum and suspect that there will be many walking with you as you go. I am hopeful that you are wrapped in love and find peace. Praying for you.

SabsP · Mar 10, 2016

Missing Mike : like some other people already wrote :I cannot even begin to think what it means when you lose your child. It goes against everything what we believe and feel. Not one parent should go through that.

May the warm reactions here on this forum be a small example of what you will encounter on the Camino !

May you find continuing warm and generous help from friends, family , this forum and all the pilgrims you will meet.

Love, S.

Missing Mike · Mar 10, 2016

Wow, that was profound!! Said alot to me. Thanks

Kiwi-family · Mar 10, 2016

I do not know you but am sorry for your loss. I pray you will find comfort as you grieve.
We lost a very dear friend while we were walking one year and it felt so unbelievable that life - even pilgrim life - should be continuing "as normal". Be assured it is not unusual for tears to fall on the camino so you may find it is a beneficial place to grieve.
I wish you well....and eventually joy.

movinmaggie · Mar 10, 2016

Take heart…..in fact, take all our hearts with you. Maggie

Penny Kingma · Mar 10, 2016

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your son. I send my prayers on a safe and healing Camino. As you feel that push realize it'll likely be your son urging you forward.
Buen Camino

TaijiPilgrim · Mar 11, 2016

In 2011 it was not my intention to walk the camino to grieve for my daughter, who had died 12 years before, but as I walked, I realized that was exactly why I was on the camino. It was a camino of grieving. A pilgrim told me many pilgrims she met walked with a broken heart, and I have also met pilgrims, seeking healing and comfort, seeking the answer to "why; seeking the justice in what seems to be very unjust and unfair, seeking acceptance and resolution -- seeking peace. I cannot say the grieving is short and easy.
In 2015, I walked my second camino with the intention that it would be a camino of thanksgiving. The grieving process has changed as my life has changed over time, and I, indeed, have much reason to give thanks. The memories of my child's smile and echoes of her laughter are still alive and cherished, and I have many more days of peace, than sorrow. And my daughter was not far on my second camino. She was there when a camino angel with her name directed me to the right fork in the road. She was there when I met a young man who was the same age my daughter would have been, and he became part of my camino family. She was there when I consoled a young pilgrim who left notes to her best friend under rocks on the Way, a friend whom she was supposed to be with on the camino but who had suddenly passed away. She was there with the deceased husband of my walking companion, who was completing the camino which she and her husband had begun 2 years earlier.
Grieving, like the camino, is a journey, and there are good days and bad, ups and downs, sorrow and pain mingled with laughter and remembrance, and unexpected moments when the hole in your heart is reopened just when you thought it was healing and moments of peace when you think maybe you're going to be all right. It is bittersweet. The camino is part of your grieving process, but I cannot promise that it will end your heartache. Everyone's camino is a unique journey, and everyone's grieving process is also a unique journey. They say "the camino provides" and I hope the camino provides what you need now. I wish you a blessed journey and some solace and peace along the Way. Buen camino.

mcopeland · Mar 11, 2016

Dear Missing Mike,
A brand new branch of American Pilgrims on the Camino has just started up in Austin. We just attended our first meeting, and the people there were incredibly supportive. I think you would find much help and support there. Send me a private message and I will get in touch with you.
We start from from St. Jean on April 25th! So I'm sure we will see you there. We'll be the slowpokes everyone passes by!
Mary

MichaelB10398 · Mar 11, 2016

Hello dear pilgrim,
The loss of your son touched me deeply and caused me to think again of the loss of our first child, a boy named Jesse. I can empathize with your pain, the loss of one so beloved. No words from another will heal the wound or fill the void. It never goes away, but the pain fades and becomes a cherished joy. There is reason to find a place because in many ways we live for them - by our choice we can be together again is my deepest prayer. If you would like to talk, I listen well. If you please message me. It has been almost 40 years now. Our grandson looks just like he did. Blessings come and there is yet joy in the world.

The previous answers on your pack were all good. Stick with REI - let them know what you are doing. If you are not sure the staff you are talking to is an expert, ask for another that is. I have never needed to, but you need to be confident and trusting in who you are talking to there.

The older you are the more helpful poles can be. The more out of shape you are the better poles can be. Some still don't use poles and find them a nuisance.

Boots are often too heavy. Unless you are sold on them I think you might want to look at a lighter shoe. The new boots and shoes are so much lighter than what was on the market not so long ago.

Your phone will work great. Lot's of pilgrims take them on Camino - don't be afraid to bring it. Visit a local store that sells electronics, etc. Get an multi-port USB plug-in. The link I just provided gives a few examples of what they look like. This will help you get a plug and assist other pilgrims at the same time. Get an electronic adapter also.

Yes, get a SIM card in Spain. They are easy to get and you can get them in various amounts.

God bless and keep you. The Camino will provide a time to cherish, grieve, and heal. He completed his tour on earth and now rests from the cares we deal with. My son may be gone, but he has never left my heart. I am sure Mike has not left yours.

nathanael · Mar 12, 2016

My heart goes out to you I believe the Camino will give you the strength and courage to carry on. The countless people you meet on the way will definitely help you. Blessings and my prayers go out to you.

Saint Mike II · Mar 12, 2016

Dear Missing Mike, I have had the benefit of this forum for almost 5 years and I doubt I have seen a more heartfelt response from my fellow pilgrims to a cry for help. As I am not a parent I have no concept of your pain. But rest-assured your "new" pilgrim family will envelop you every kilometre/mile of your journey. The symbolic hugs and shoulders (to cry on) will be there every step of the way.
A couple of suggestions for the Camino itself - take the first week slow and steady - 4 or 5 days to reach Pamplona; plan rest days in Burgos and Leon (the cathedral in Burgo requires 4 hours and even then you will not take it all in). You will find you become part of a "camino family"(people you will walk with each day), but if you find you want time "for you" they will understand because this is your camino; your healing. So a very special "buen camino" and joy in every step. (from another Mike!)

soozansings · Mar 12, 2016

Beautiful and kind!

Missing Mike · Mar 12, 2016

I

Missing Mike · Mar 12, 2016

I sent you a PM which I hope, I did right and it got t through to you.

Missing Mike · Mar 12, 2016

Yesterday, I walked 6.19 miles up and down hills with 10.5 lbs on my back in a regular backpack. Yesterday, I got my plane ticket. BUT NOTHING HAS MEANT MORE TO ME THEN EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOUR MESSAGES TO ME. Many make me cry or give me help/notes to get me through. Most of all hope!! Yesterday was 3 months exactly that my beloved Mike died. Today was the day I found out. More tears. But I know the El Camino has already started for me and most of all with all your care, love, messages and Mike along with God/Spirit to guide me. Once again, thank you all sooo much. Much love to each of you and your journeys.

Lori Elgin · Mar 12, 2016

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Mike. I cannot even imagine the loss. Onesmcsrd.com is my Europe Simcard go to becaus I have a us and Europe number.
10% of your body weight is recommended. Have your backpack fitted for you ..the. Shop around. I found some nice deals at Sierra trading post.com.
I bought my boots at Rei and it too 3 pairs to finally find a pair that worked for my feet and ankles.
I will be praying for you.
I start Camino France's SJPDP 2 April. So I will be ahead of you...praying for you as you prepare and walk.
Buen Camino peregrina!!!!!
Lori

tomnorth · Mar 12, 2016

May you find peace after the death of your son. I lost my father six days before I left on my Camino this past fall. I found the Camino experience to be healing. I hope you find what you need at this time.

All I can say on pack weight is lighter is better. I'm not sure how realistic the 10% target is in your case, but if you could get your pack weight down to less than 14 pounds I'd think that would be a worthy target. I'd look for a pack in the high twenty liter range.

I highly recommend trekking poles. Get good ones that have a locking clip rather than the type that twist to lock. You'll need to check the trekking poles. The TSA does not allow them as carry on. I bought a shipping tube to hold my poles and other sharp objects like my knife. I checked the shipping tube and carried on my pack.

As far as a SIM card, you could pick one up in Pamplona. Depending on your mobile provider in the states, you could get an international plan add-on. Verizon has recently introduced better international plans. You'll be able to charge your phone in the alburgues. They all have outlets. Some have them right next to the bunks, which is best of course. At others they are farther away, but they're still in the room you're sleeping in, so you just leave it plugged in overnight. One thing to make sure of is that you turn off cellular data for all but the most essential applications so you don't use up your data too quickly.

nathanael · Mar 12, 2016

I am leaving Toronto Canada on May 31 and arriving in Madrid June 1st. spending two days in Madrid then possibly going to Lourdes France by train again two days then walk from Lourdes to hopefully Santiago..have 43 days to do it.

natefaith · Mar 12, 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss of Mike. Hoping and praying your Camino would be yet another step in your healing. God bless you.
Faith

MaidinBham · Mar 12, 2016

@Missing Mike So glad your plans are moving forward, your training walks are going well, and it appears the Austin pilgrim group has embraced you also.

Ultreïa (English)

Every morning we take the Camino,
Every morning we go farther,
Day after day the route calls us,
It’s the voice of [Santiago de] Compostela!

Chorus:
Onward! Onward! And upward!
God assist us!

Way of earth and way of faith,
Ancient road of Europe,
The Milky Way of Charlemagne,
It’s the Chemin of all the Santiago pilgrims!

And over there at the end of the continent,
Santiago waits for us,
His smile always fixed
On the sun that dies at Finisterre.

credit to Pilgrimroads.com http://www.pilgrimroads.com/2010/12/ultreia/

Buen Camino,
Ultreia!

Janice

Irma Terblanche · Mar 12, 2016

So sad to hear of your big loss. Some tips: backpack no bigger than 35l. ; a pair of hiking poles would help especially for the 1st part as far as Pamplona i did not buy a new sim card. In nearly all the places wifi is available. I taped my toes and heel daily and never had blisters.
You will have enough time to walk through the physical challenge into a space where mourning will be possible. I pray that you will experience the presence of our Creator God in the beauty of nature en route and that He will shelter you with His Presence. Buen Camino.

Roneen · Mar 12, 2016

Roneen · Mar 12, 2016

You are a brave woman and I will be thinking of you on your journey. I hope you find a little comfort on this path. It is a good place to start the healing. Just be aware not to ignore your body's needs and push too hard. I am so sorry for your loss and wish both you and your son a Buen Camino for he will surely be there with you.

nomadko · Mar 12, 2016

So very sorry to hear you've lost your son. My neighbor and I will be walking the Camino beginning on March 21 - we have both lost sons so we can relate to your sorrow. There are no words to lessen the pain of losing a child but... what I can tell you is that time truly does help us to learn how to live with the loss. I find focusing on what a special human being my son was helps me. Believe me... some days I am angry as hell that he is gone. I am hoping the Camino will help quell feelings of 'why'. It is difficult to accept such a loss when I look around and see some of the really 'bad' people on the earth - my son was a truly good young (44) man - a father of 4 - who helped everyone. God truly does work in mysterious ways... very mysterious...
May you find peace as you walk the Camino. As for all your questions... I will leave them to the more seasoned and the more experienced members.
Buen Camino!

nomadko · Mar 12, 2016

Beautiful, beautiful post... how kind you are.

Stephen F. · Mar 12, 2016

Like another responder, my eyes filled with tears. I have three grown children and three grandchildren and I can hardly bear the thought of losing one. Peace be with you.

As a practical matter, I think trekking poles are a good idea, at least for an old guy like me. They are amazing help for the hips and knees, especially going uphill or down.
As for your phone, I would definitely get a SIM card in Spain. They are very reasonable, I got one last year with quite a few minutes and lots of internet access for around 10 EUR. For battery charging, albergues differ. Last year at the worst I had to sit in the common room of a municipal while my phone charged. At the best, all of the privates I stayed at had plugs near my bed. BTW, I turn my phone off while walking, the constant searching for a cell will discharge even a good battery and my traveling phone is pretty old. When I want a picture or to get on the wifi at a bar it only takes a moment to power up. You will find most bars have reasonable wifi so you will be able to upload your pictures to cloud storage or FB or whatever.

I hope you find the Camino to be what you need. I believe you will. You will certainly meet lots of pilgrims who, like you, are searching, which is in itself reassuring. I was having a bit of a crisis before I went and the Camino helped me to sort myself out. Buen Camino!

williamlittig · Mar 13, 2016

I can help you with equipment a backpack, waterproof stuff sacks, a small light. Time can help Mikes memory will always be with you ,find joy in those memories..
please contact me after March 22 I am traveling in Laos ...Ultreya... Willy/Utah/USA
From memory the pack is an Osprey probably 30-35 liters small or medium with one little scratch left by a bear.

DennisC · Mar 13, 2016

Our 19 year old daughter, Helen, died suddenly in March of 2014. After taking care of all the necessary things we didn't know what to do with ourselves then we rewatched "The Way" and walked the Camino that May. It helped us more than anything we have done in our grieving.

I can't tell you what to, but here is my story. We were unprepared and uninformed about the Camino. We walk some but didn't train for it. Shopping was hard in our emotional state so we just bought some new hiking shoes and socks, a sleep sack, convertible pants, but mostly used normal clothes and my terrible backpack. It didn't matter.

A great help was that another couple joined us. We were 62 then and they a few years older. We started the Camino in Sahagun which is about the half way point. We were not sure if we could handle the entire Camino emotionally or physically. Sahagun is easily reached by train from Madrid and had a good historic and spiritual feel to it. The first night we slept in a convent albergue.

I think I spent most of the days walking and crying in a state of shock I stuffed my pockets with tissues each morning and they were empty by the afternoon. Sometimes I walked alone, sometimes with my wife, sometimes all four of us together. But often I walked with other pilgrims and was pleased with the depth of meaning in our conversations and how it brought me out of my grief for periods of time.

We walked slow and took lots of breaks. Only did 10-12 miles a day. We had no physical problems and no spiritual revelations. There is no sense in a child's death. An overwhelming question is "what do we do now with ourselves? How do we survive this day?" The Camino provides an answer: "We Walk" You just get up and walk. That's all you have to do today and the next day. Just the physical act of walking discharges some of our grief.

We made it to Santiago. Normal life back in the USA is still hard. The following year we walked from St. Jean to Sahagun. This year in May we will walk the Portuguese from Lisbon to Santiago. Its good to walk the Camino. Do it for yourself and for Mike.

I could say a lot more, but this is already too long. You can contact us if you like.

Silvester · Mar 13, 2016

Hi there
One practical tip to look after you on the way is to factor in a rest day every week or so to quietly process stuff and give the continuously walking feet a break. It's tempting to keep on walking every day to self-soothe when you're grieving - but you don't want to end up with a body as exhausted as your mind was when you started. Gently does it.

kelleymac · Mar 13, 2016

Good morning-- My thoughts and prayers are with you this morning-- I am 5'3", and 54 yo. I hiked from Leon to Santiago last year-- this year I hike from SJPP to Burgos, starting on 4/23. I hope we may run into each other-- I think you will be a few days behind me, but you did not say where you were starting. Are you starting from SJPP? Do you know where you are staying at SJPP? My name is Kate Kelley Mackenzie, and I walk with my son, Ciaran. -- But perhaps that is too hard for you right now to meet with us. -- I cannot imagine loosing my child.

So...
Here is my advice: Carry about 20 lbs in your pack. The less the better. You can buy kleenex along the way. Yes, get poles, or buy a hiking staff there. It will help with your knees. I found the muscles in my legs were not holding me steady by the end of the day-- I was concerned that I would twist my ankle or knee and thus end my camino, so I bought a stick. -- Take some snacks while you walk (cheese, bread, chocolate!). Be kind to yourself, be open to kindness from others. -- With all my heart, I wish you a Buen Camino.

kelleymac · Mar 13, 2016

Pack advice: I am not as small as you (5'3", 125 lbs) but I am very slight across the shoulders and have had a hard time getting a pack whose shoulder straps will adjust to my size. Last year I used a small women's 30L backpack from LL Bean (Women's AT 30). It fit me well, and I could fit a down sleeping bag in, along with change of clothes, first aid kit, and toiletries.-- It was a little small, my jacket and rain gear ended up in a bag on the outside...But then, I was traveling in March and had bulkier sweaters and clothes in my pack than you will need as you are traveling in late April/May.-- I looked and LL Bean makes their pack a bit bigger now at AT 38 and also a larger one at AT 50. . - You can always return it if it doesn't fit. They are a good buy, well made and cheaper than many other packs. (Get a pack that fits! Pack it up and take it on a few hikes. ) Bonus: a smaller pack can be taken as a carry on.

Missing Mike · Mar 13, 2016

Some locals are helping me with some gear, but thank you.

JennyH94 · Mar 14, 2016

Dear Missing Mike -

I add my sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved son.

Something that you can do which may help your grief is to formally dedicate your Camino to your son. Naturally Mike will be in your thoughts all the time, but to make a formal dedication, as you wake each morning, or as you take your first steps each day, is a wonderful thing ... something along the lines of "I dedicate this day to you, my darling Mike".

When I finished my camino in 2012 I found a huge leather-bound register in the Pilgrims' Office, close to the counter where pilgrims receive their compostelas. Pilgrims can write dedications and other messages in that register. I had dedicated my camino to my Mum and Dad (both deceased), for giving me my life and for all the blessings and love they gave me. They were constantly in my thoughts every day as I walked. It meant so much to me to add my dedication to that register - I was overcome with emotion with the privilege of being able to write of my love for my parents in far-off Santiago - such a sacred place - and to think that my dedication joined the hundreds of thousands of messages of love in countless numbers of the same register over countless years - all to be kept in Santiago. Placing my dedication in the register meant (and still means) as much as the compostela did and does. The Pilgrims' Office has now moved but I hope that another of the registers is still in place in the new office so that pilgrims may continue to write their messages. I hope that you are able to add your dedication to your precious son Mike in the current register.

May your camino bring you solace and bring you hope -

Buen Camino -

Jenny

David · Mar 14, 2016

What a Marvellous post! Especially the morning dedication each day - marvellous post.

Missing Mike · Mar 14, 2016

Jenny---

This is so beautiful. I have a friend who also lost her son and got 2 registrations and as she passed each point she got a stamp on both. When she was done she got the certificate for both. I hope this works for me as well. But I truly LOVE your idea. Thank you so much for taking the time to share it.

nomadko · Mar 14, 2016

David... you are a wonderful son... you were a gift to your parents. Such a thoughtful man to dedicate each day to the memory of your parents... all children could take a page out of your book. Thank you for who you are.

Lise · Mar 14, 2016

Ouf...you are not helping me either! Lost a son 15 years ago and sometimes I still wonder about this statement!!!! My heart si and will be with you Missing Mike. Am starting the Camino on March 30th for the same reasons....!!!

David · Mar 14, 2016

Nomadko - no, not so wonderful - that was JennyH who dedicated to her parents ...

nomadko · Mar 14, 2016

ooops! sorry for my mistake... you are probably a wonderful son anyway

amorfati1 · Mar 14, 2016

Condolences to you and everyone else affected by the Death of your son!

and this ""My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall go on living"…..Pablo Neruda - say's it 'all' (even though knowing there is not ever an 'all'.)
In my experience - one never get's 'over it' - but finds every day a new way (having) to live with it.
What Grace that you feel drawn to the camino - you will be in good company. the visible and invisible ones.
Yes - take it slow and simple. And let yourself be soothed ... just allow whatever may show up inwardly. This describes it quite well.
Very best wishes - Bom Caminho - C

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi ~ (A teaching story translated by Coleman Barks©)

David · Mar 14, 2016

Amorfati1 - another lovely post - I find this thread so heartening - such good and kind people ... some have seen the original post and walked on by on the other side, on their busy ways .. but the ones who have stopped, stopped and spoken - angels all xxx

The poem - Rumi I think?

amorfati1 · Mar 15, 2016

thank you kindly - and also for helping me notice that i did not include the author, but the translator. will be duly edited.
Godspeed to you (and Godslow too ;-)
best wishes - C

williamlittig · Mar 16, 2016

You are very welcome... Ultreya....Willy

Arn · Mar 16, 2016

On my first Camino CF-2008, I carried a memorial card for my cousin Georgiann's son Mike who was killed in a tragic accident age 22. On my Caminho Portuguese-2010, I carried her memorial card (cancer). My intent was to walk the CF-2015 but my brother Dominick was quite ill. He died December 2015 (cancer).
My point is that we all have lives that form around our family, our friends and others. When tragedy strikes...suddenly or over a period of time...we are comforted by others in our time of sorrow.
Each time I walk the Way and, although I take each of them with me, I find a strength and a purpose with those pilgrims walking with me, before me and following in trace.
Life is best lived in the knowledge that there remains a purpose for every day and every person we encounter with a sense of love and understanding.
God bless you all,

Arn

Stephen Nicholls · Mar 17, 2016

I am sitting here with tears running down my face ... in spite of being told, as a child, "Big boys don't cry!" This one certainly does.
There is so much love in this forum ... and it's all heading towards our new friend "Missing Mike".
Thank you - ALL of you - for being there.
And to Missing Mike - it has all been said in these many posts. There is nothing more I can add.
Be happy. Walk with Mike by your side. You will never stop loving him!
Blessings from East Anglia ...

Kanga · Mar 17, 2016

Beautifully put.

Franco · Mar 17, 2016

I'm sorry to read of ur story missing mike. Nothing anyone can say will ever take away your pain. Just remember you are not alone. My brother passed away in Spain tragically whilst we were on holiday together some years ago. I have never got over it. But time does help to ease the pain. I am starting my camino on 26th April and hope to leave a stone in remembrance of him at Cruz de Ferro. It will be a very emotional time for me. I am an insulin dependant diabetic as was my brother also so this is quite an undertaking for me but I am sure I will make it ok cos I've planned for so long. Maybe our paths will cross along the way. Take care best rgds...Franco

Camino Ariana · Mar 22, 2016

So sorry to hear about your son. Sending you healing angels as you prepare and for the walk. Prayers for healing for you heart. Make sure to take a little rock to leave at the Cruz de Ferro.

Kleenex I actually take a couple of large handkerchiefs - which have multiple uses. It saves from always having to look for kleenex, works in the rain and is easy to wash. They can be used around the neck for protection from the sun, and also as a little table cloth.

Someone mentioned the 35 liter pack. I would agree. Trekking poles will help with physically taking the weight off the knees.

I purchased a sim card in Spain. You will need an unlocked phone. I used Vodaphone. Make sure they install for you. While wifi is available in the towns I felt more secure having the capacity to share my location with friends via walkmeter.

I am over 60 and walked the distance in about 38 days on both Camino's so I believe you have allowed lots of time. Be sure to take rest days regularly.

Missing Mike · Mar 23, 2016

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who has posted. I can't thank you enough for everything you have said in thoughts, words, poems, etc. You truly are a special group of people. I hope to meet many of you along the way.

Here is an update--
I plan to leave Austin, TX to Madrid--April 26th
Return from Madrid--June 15

Which roughly gives me 51 days give or take a day or two for travel (I think that should be enough).

I am 4'10" (I wished) and currently weight 109 lbs.
I got a XS which seems to work well for me.

I figure I will start the uphill climb first, since that seems to mirror my life so far. When I found out I had the wrong kind of hiking boots.

I went to REI and got Merrill hiking boots which seem to work well with the wool socks. I have already put 20 miles on them. I have done 13 to 14 mile hikes with up to 13 lbs on my back, but prefer less.

I borrowed some poles. The phone I will figure when I get there.

My big question now is --
My goal is to start from SJPP. Then do what I need to do (hike) to book a night at Orisson to break the Napolean route in two if I am going the "standard" way. Unless I am confused.

What is the easiest/best way to get from Madrid to SJPP?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

NualaOC · Mar 23, 2016

Hello @Missing Mike, you're making great progress with your preparations.

An option worth considering is to take a bus (www.alsa.es) or a train (www.renfe.es) to Pamplona and spend a night at Corazun Puro http://www.corazonpuro.es/Enghome.html I haven't done this myself, but other forum members speak very highly of it. The nice people from Corazon Puro will pick you up from the bus or train, give you a meal and a comfortable bed for the night and then take you to St Jean the next morning. This might be helpful after such a long flight.

Buen Camino.

NualaOC · Mar 23, 2016

Hi again @Missing Mike. You might get more responses to your question/s if you start a new thread with a very specific title. That way the travel and Orisson experts are more likely to notice it and respond!

There's also lots of useful information in other threads. For example, here's one about travel from Madrid: https://www.caminodesantiago.me/com...ravel-from-madrid-to-sjpdp-via-bayonne.23517/

Lydia Gillen · Mar 27, 2016

If you plan to start from Jt.Jean Pied du Port and intend to stop at Orisson as pilgrims have advised, you need to book into Orisson.
the website is www.refuge-orisson.com.
It will take you through booking. Also it gives an email address and two phone numbers..

Sometimes they do not answer emails on a daily basis, so give them a day or two.

All will work out

Buen Camino

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