Accomplishment

[HBS60]

Musings post-Camino:

As I continue to process and digest my Camino experience this past summer, I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I’m starting to think that the reason is that doing the Camino is so totally different and out of character for me. It’s not that I’ve never accomplished anything, in fact, I have more degrees than a thermometer. Lots of diplomas, academic titles, areas of expertise, yet none of this felt as significant as the Camino. Upon further reflection, I’m thinking that all those previous accomplishments didn’t really prove anything about me that I didn’t already know, namely, that I have what it takes to succeed academically. I was the nerdy kid in school who did well on tests…but never wanted on sports teams and was bullied and harassed because I was skinny and scrawny, so I took refuge behind my books, and I got very good at tests…and at hiding. I never had any intellectual doubts but my overall worthiness was very much in question.

Doing the Camino for me was the ultimate physical challenge, and it was simply unthinkable that I had what it takes to complete it. But I took a leap of faith, and I still have difficulty accepting that yes, I did this, and yes, I had what it takes. My inner critic cannot refute that accomplishment.

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink, really really reassess the way I think about myself. While all those college degrees are worthy, they are concerned with my intellect, which is only one aspect of my entire self. I never doubted my intelligence, but very much doubted that the rest of me was worthy because I always believed I didn’t had what it takes, so I’ve been clinging to my intellect for any measure of self worth.

Walking 500 miles across Spain, climbing mountains, dealing with hunger, fear, storms, exhaustion, and self-doubt, and being successful in getting through all of that, is irrefutable evidence that I have more within me than my diplomas.

I’m starting to think of my Camino as a rite of passage, because I will never be the same. The challenge now for me is how to integrate this new reality into my everyday life. I’m feeling some deep, tectonic psychological shifts that I don’t fully understand but I think they were long overdue. It will be a new learning process, having to learn how to navigate this world knowing that I actually have strengths I didn’t realize. I know I need to learn to use these strengths wisely and that will take time. It feels unfamiliar and strange, but there’s no turning back.

I’m aware some of it is probably about ego. Nothing wrong with having a healthier sense of ego, that’s better than going through life with a wounded, bruised ego. I hope I can stay grounded, humble, and teachable, because life will keep on happening, with new challenges and learning opportunities. The Camino is just one experience, a significant one, and I know there will be more lessons and accomplishments (and failures) in the future.

A big part of this, I think, is the physical aspect of the Camino. Instead of being lost in my head, I had no choice but to be IN my body, and that has helped me restore a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt in too long. I’m starting to notice some important changes. Recently, I had a very bitter argument that rattled me, but didn’t wound me, and I’m still shocked that I don’t feel wounded, just sad about the incident. No anxiety, no fear, no anger, just sadness the willingness to just let things be. That’s not how I usually react to incidents like these, and I think this is due to the Camino. After all, life is like the Camino, filled with challenges, rocks, storms, plus beauty and experiences that make it both challenging and fulfilling.

So, yeah, this was quite an accomplishment for me.

 

[dougfitz]

I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

 

[truenorthpilgrm]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

Your only takeaway to OP's thoughtful post was ...this response??

 

[HBS60]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

I’ve seen many pilgrims in these boards saying things to the effect that the Camino is just an experience, akin to a stroll in the park, or not much different than other hikes. For some of us it is more significant. Nothing wrong with that, since we all experience the Camino differently, and just because it was a big experience for me doesn’t mean that it was as transformational for others.

 

[ShoshTrvls]

I'm struggling to understand why you think this. How can you possibly tell that it isn't, as you so quaintly put it, a huge deal for others. I certainly wouldn't share with a random bunch of strangers my more intimate thinking about what walking a pilgrimage route means to me.

I suggest that you have no idea about how others feel. I don't doubt that this was an accomplishment for you, but if the rest of your post is founded on this premise, you might need to adjust your thinking about the reliability of your comparisons to others.

I think you read something into Hector's words that aren't there. He did not say that the Camino was not a "big deal" for anyone else. As I read it, he was referring to, and comparing his reaction, to those for whom it is not a "big deal," at least not a "big deal" in the way of completely changing how one views themself, or the essence of who they are. And indeed, I've spoken, and I'm sure many of us have spoken, to a number of pilgrims who didn't have any such revelation (and, in fact, were somewhat disappointed that a bolt of enlightenment did not strike them).

 

[HBS60]

I think you read something into Hector's words that aren't there. He did not say that the Camino was not a "big deal" for anyone else. As I read it, he was referring to, and comparing his reaction, to those for whom it is not a "big deal," at least not a "big deal" in the way of completely changing how one views themself, or the essence of who they are. And indeed, I've spoken, and I'm sure many of us have spoken, to a number of pilgrims who didn't have any such revelation (and, in fact, were somewhat disappointed that a bolt of enlightenment did not strike them).

You totally nailed it. That’s exactly what I was trying to convey, thanks!

 

[Damien Reynolds]

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink

Bad ass. (Just in case anyone doesn't understand, It is the ultimate compliment, IMO)

 

[Laurie Sanantone]

Hector, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’ve walked several caminos, and each one has been a big deal for me, too — each time I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, the world, and the Great Matter of life-and-death. Perhaps the camino has helped you to shift your attention from your mind, from which you’ve been operating (and where you’ve been hiding?) for many years, to your body (that you were forced to pay attention on your camino) — and your next step is to get in closer touch with your heart? Walking a camino, or many caminos, has given me an opportunity to integrate these different aspects of myself. Of course, YYMV.

 

[HBS60]

Hector, I’ve followed your posts from the beginning. I’ve walked several caminos, and each one has been a big deal for me, too — each time I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, the world, and the Great Matter of life-and-death. Perhaps the camino has helped you to shift your attention from your mind, from which you’ve been operating (and where you’ve been hiding?) for many years, to your body (that you were forced to pay attention on your camino) — and your next step is to get in closer touch with your heart? Walking a camino, or many caminos, has given me an opportunity to integrate these different aspects of myself. Of course, YYMV.

I think you are absolutely right, thanks for your support and sharing! Much appreciated!

 

[DoughnutANZ]

@HBS60 Excelente, good on ya mate! Now that you have the bug then start exploring where you live now and when you get the time come visit to Aotearoa New Zealand and walk some of our trails. It is good for the soul.

 

[Madamjoy]

Musings post-Camino:

As I continue to process and digest my Camino experience this past summer, I’m struggling trying to understand why this has been such a huge deal for me, and puzzled why for others it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as it has been for me.

I’m starting to think that the reason is that doing the Camino is so totally different and out of character for me. It’s not that I’ve never accomplished anything, in fact, I have more degrees than a thermometer. Lots of diplomas, academic titles, areas of expertise, yet none of this felt as significant as the Camino. Upon further reflection, I’m thinking that all those previous accomplishments didn’t really prove anything about me that I didn’t already know, namely, that I have what it takes to succeed academically. I was the nerdy kid in school who did well on tests…but never wanted on sports teams and was bullied and harassed because I was skinny and scrawny, so I took refuge behind my books, and I got very good at tests…and at hiding. I never had any intellectual doubts but my overall worthiness was very much in question.

Doing the Camino for me was the ultimate physical challenge, and it was simply unthinkable that I had what it takes to complete it. But I took a leap of faith, and I still have difficulty accepting that yes, I did this, and yes, I had what it takes. My inner critic cannot refute that accomplishment.

The psychological repercussions are still rippling through my psyche, forcing me to rethink, really really reassess the way I think about myself. While all those college degrees are worthy, they are concerned with my intellect, which is only one aspect of my entire self. I never doubted my intelligence, but very much doubted that the rest of me was worthy because I always believed I didn’t had what it takes, so I’ve been clinging to my intellect for any measure of self worth.

Walking 500 miles across Spain, climbing mountains, dealing with hunger, fear, storms, exhaustion, and self-doubt, and being successful in getting through all of that, is irrefutable evidence that I have more within me than my diplomas.

I’m starting to think of my Camino as a rite of passage, because I will never be the same. The challenge now for me is how to integrate this new reality into my everyday life. I’m feeling some deep, tectonic psychological shifts that I don’t fully understand but I think they were long overdue. It will be a new learning process, having to learn how to navigate this world knowing that I actually have strengths I didn’t realize. I know I need to learn to use these strengths wisely and that will take time. It feels unfamiliar and strange, but there’s no turning back.

I’m aware some of it is probably about ego. Nothing wrong with having a healthier sense of ego, that’s better than going through life with a wounded, bruised ego. I hope I can stay grounded, humble, and teachable, because life will keep on happening, with new challenges and learning opportunities. The Camino is just one experience, a significant one, and I know there will be more lessons and accomplishments (and failures) in the future.

A big part of this, I think, is the physical aspect of the Camino. Instead of being lost in my head, I had no choice but to be IN my body, and that has helped me restore a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt in too long. I’m starting to notice some important changes. Recently, I had a very bitter argument that rattled me, but didn’t wound me, and I’m still shocked that I don’t feel wounded, just sad about the incident. No anxiety, no fear, no anger, just sadness the willingness to just let things be. That’s not how I usually react to incidents like these, and I think this is due to the Camino. After all, life is like the Camino, filled with challenges, rocks, storms, plus beauty and experiences that make it both challenging and fulfilling.

So, yeah, this was quite an accomplishment for me.

There's also the possibility of no ego.. Neither being motivated by ego, or hiding from a wounded ego. No ego arises from much of what you say.; being in your body, not staying in your head and letting monkey brain dominate your thoughts. The repetitive step by step of the Camino is worth repeating at home; go for long walks, be in silence, practice gratitude. Keep the camino with you. Thank you for sharing

 

[Robo]

Great post Hector.
As with all things Camino, we are all different.
We approach it differently, have different experiences, and benefit in different ways.
Likewise, we all 'process' it differently I'm sure.

It's hard sometimes to truly know how the Camino affected others.
Of course it's none of our business!
And many people are reluctant to share their experiences if they were 'challenging'.
We can only know how it affected us personally.

To put your mind at rest.

The first Camino for me was a 'huge' deal! On many levels.

I'll share the short hand version, to give you an idea and so as not to bore everyone to death!
But the whole picture might help.......

1. At 15 years old I was thrown out of a very expensive private school. Told I was useless, stupid and would never amount to anything. It probably took me a decade to overcome this 'knowledge'.
2. It was almost, go to jail or join the Army...
3. So I joined the Army at age 15. And did well! Though it took me a while to build self confidence.
4. At about 22 I was pulled aside and somewhat pushed (encouraged) to undertake Officer training. A place a bit like West Point in the US. I did well.
5. I continued to do well, getting early promotions, sponsorship to study a Masters degree etc etc.
6. After about 20 years, I moved to Australia and set up my own business. And Yes that went well too. Still doing it......
7. But.........I was empty inside.
8. I was living a life in the service of others, not knowing myself at all, and why I was here.....
9. I was a 'shell' doing my 'duty'........meeting the expectations of others.
10. So in 2015 I walked my first Camino. I was searching. For answers, for me, for God, and anything else that would help me understand who I was and why I was here.
11. As with everything in my life, I went at it hard. Over training to the extent that I started injured, and stayed injured all the way.
12. That injury was the best thing that happened to me. It made me grateful! Not only that I had made it to the Camino, but each day I completed, brought a wave of gratitude.
13. And after 40 days of walking, I found my answers. Though it took me the first 15 days to even understand the question!
14. That first Camino changed me forever........in so many ways.

Some perspective.

Like all of us, I've faced a few challenges in life.
Almost died 5 times, lost people, lost hope at times, had to do things that at the time were immensely humiliating, embarrassing and so far out of my comfort zone, I lost sight of where my comfort zone even was. But someone had to do them.

So was that first Camino a Big Deal for me?

Sure was. The biggest deal ever.

But I found what I was looking for.

And now I'm happy and content.


I just have to go back every couple of years to my 'happy place' for a recharge.