A challenge

[Al the optimist]

I know that some of our stalwarts are more than able to turn a cute phrase or two. Able to create lovely little stories. I came across this today. So a challenge to you (you know who you are). Who can come up with a rewrite of the below in Camino terms?

Up for the challenge, maybe on a wet and horrible day?

The story: -

Dear Tech Support,

’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

The response: -

Dear Desperate,

“First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.Good Luck!’

Good Luck!

 

[t2andreo]

This definitely sounds like a Microsoft Windows issue! My advice, get a Mac!

Since making the big switch in 2013, I have had ZERO problems with my "Wife 2.0" application, and all related applications since then. Similarly, "Wife 2.0" shows no signs of requiring an upgrade to a newer version, or installation of an "Girlfriend 3.x" utility application to keep "Wife 2.0" operating smoothly. "Wife 2.0" also runs well under all operating system updates since the original installation.

These results are directly opposite my earlier experience with those under the Microsoft Windows operating system...much less maintenance is involved now. Life is good!

I presume this has something to do with Apple's engineering...

I hope this helps...

 

[Al the optimist]

LOL

 

[SYates]

I am game, here is my contribution ;-) BC SY

***

Dear Camino Tech Support,

I just upgraded from the virtual version TheWay 1.0.1 (manufactured by Sheen-Coehlo-MacLaine) to the real thing Camino.2017 and am extremely disappointed with the differences.

First of all, in the virtual version, traveling to Saint Jean Pied de Port is much faster when using TheWay 1.0.1, in Camino.2017 it takes forever and a day to just get there – that is unacceptable!

Also the virtual version lacked (thankfully!) a lot of crap apps that I encountered in Camino.2017 like Heatstroke 4.4, Blisters 3.3 and MuscleCramps 1.1 – I really don't like any of them, please tell me how I uninstall them from Camino.2017 and how I prevent similar apps from starting up.

There are also other random apps that run intermittently and without rhyme or reason, like snoring 2.2 and, the worst of all, BedBugBites 6.6.6 – How can I stop these apps from running? I never installed nor started these apps – where do they come from?

I tried to de-install Camino.2017 and re-install The Way 1.0.1, to no avail, I am still stuck in Pamplona! How do I get out of here??????

A Real Pilgrim


Dear Real Pilgrim,

Please be aware of the fact that TheWay 1.0.1 operates in a virtual reality environment and the Camino.2017 in the real world. Once you have started Camino.2017 there is no way you can go back to TheWay 1.0.1. Didn't you see the warning message when you started Camino.2017 for the first time? It normally pops-up when you book your first flight direction Camino and reads

“You are now leaving the virtual reality of TheWay1.0.1 manufactured by Sheen-Coehlo-MacLaine and are entering in the real world experience of Camino.2017. Please click 'confirm' to confirm that you understand the risks involved and that you accept that there is, after clicking 'confirm', no way back to using TheWay1.0.1!"

As for the additional apps you mentioned, they are part of the real world experience Camino.2017 offers you and are randomly assigned to each pilgrim to make his/her Camino.2017 a tangible experience. To cope better, you might consider downloading asap the following apps (all of them are free btw): CommonSense 1.0.1, BasicCaminoKnowledge 1.0.1 and Humour 1.1.1

Buen Camino, yours truly
Jacob, Son of Zebedee, Camino Tech Support

 

[Al the optimist]

I can foresee some funny postings after these two examples. Well done both.

 

[Felipe]

This only happens because people don't read the fine prints of the contract that clearly states that
"This program is provided 'as is' without warranties of any kind, either expressed or implied. The entire risk as to the quality and performance is with you. Should the program prove defective, you assume the cost of all necessary servicing, repair or correction".
You should read contracts as a whole.

 

[Nanc]

Dear Camino Tech support

I am upset!

I began Camino lessons 101 on the Camino forum and when applied to real life, these lessons DO NOT WORK! I have wasted hours, on garbage information. No one on the forum says the same thing, no one agrees 100%, so whom am I supposed to follow?

You could not tell me what the weather would be for my trip, so how could I know what to pack?

You could not tell me if I should make reservations or assume the Camino would provide!

And most importantly, you would not tell me if I could finish the Camino with my untrained, rehabilitated back injury carrying 15kg of gear- What good are you!?

Equipment 101 was also a failure! – I have spent hundreds of dollars on Camino gear, only to find I did not need it and wasted money leaving it behind in albergues. Someone said they loved their poncho and I hated it- All your fault!

Someone else said that their shoes were perfect so I bought them just before I left, as I had no time to try them out, and my feet got blisters! All your fault!

Cuisine 101 was a horrible failure- Everyone said food was available everywhere so I expected the albergues to accommodate my pepper allergies and dislike of unidentified meat pieces- they were so rude! And some villages were actually closed on the Sabbath and I had not carried any food or water .

Housekeeping 201 was horrible- I don’t like to pick up after myself and there were no maids in the albergues-I want to come in after hours and leave before the doors are opened. My head lamp doesn’t bother me. Why aren’t the volunteers more willing to accommodate my idiosyncrasies? What am I spending 8 euro for?

I expected to experience exactly what you said occurred on 2012 and none of this tough stuff. I want my Camino forum tuition back and an apology!

Twisted Pilgrim

Dear Twisted Pilgrim

We will gladly refund all the money you spent on the tuition you have received from thousands of past and current pilgrims. We are sorry our direct line to God was broken and we were unable to give you a guarantee of weather, temperatures, or outcome on your trip

We are also sorry that we did didn’t have a clone available to test out all your gear for you prior to purchasing , and the proxy pilgrim that would have suffered for you, was on vacation.

We have tried to make all the sharing pilgrims narrow-minded and uni-directional (stubborn people) so we are sorry for the confusion of alternatives and choices available on the Camino Forum

It appears there was a failure on this Camino to re-set the heart and mind and we suggest you reboot and try again for such an outcome

Sincerely Tech Support

 

[nycwalking]

Dear Camino Tech support,

Program single 4.0 worked just fine until Trek 2.0, default plan. Operation mate-up commenced. While trekking met, 7.8 Men-In-Collars on disk 300AD, whilst untold others on lecture amor program 8BCE, exclaimed to me, repeatedly, with unbridled glee, about pairing microwave meseta 5.5 disc with bonus bicigrino short wave program 4 those newly in love.

Dear Program Single,

Your reverse, " Sound of Music" track do re me fa sola ti, is pretty swell, although epsying nearly naked Bishop in Ponferrada, could have been deleted; too much nude flesh to eye also unavailable can cause ... well; to read more click on @convent-not-quite-yet-take-vows// Jonah-no-more-Priest-to-Ninevah.AC.org

And, do implement walk again VDP, asap on forum 2017.

 

[Kitsambler]

Dear Real Pilgrim,

WARNING: Please be aware that launching Camino.2017 may also cause Life 3.5 to completely reboot. This is neither foreseeable nor reversible. Symptoms include overall system slowdowns, occasional periods of blank screens, and a tendency to open the Google Translate app.

WARNING: In addition, it is possible that the Spirituality 2.o app may launch . Symptoms may include odd titles showing on your library account, among other manifestations.