Perhaps a Hidden Motivation for Walking the Camino

[Charles Ross]

I've walked most of the French Camino twice and some of an aborted Portuguese Camino earlier this year. I'm considering a walk next Spring and getting some pushback from friends and relatives. My previous walks were with my partner, this upcoming adventure would be a solo walk. I'm hearing: 'You've done this already, you've done this more than once. There are so many things to do and places to see, why do this same walk (the French Camino) again' From my partner it's basically 'You're going without ME?!!!!' Okay. At this point you might be thinking that this is pretty much a personal problem/situation and not worth a discussion on the WWW.
Well, I've been thinking long and hard about this. There's more to my desire than it just being a 'fun vacay'. I recall something that happened to me @ 50 years ago. I was in my early 20's living in San Francisco working in a grocery store. A friend signed up and took a seminar called 'Erhard Seminar Training' (EST). He came out of the experience and talked me into taking it ("You gotta do it!", basically). In 1975 350 bucks was not an inconsequential amount of money pay for fluff but, ok. At some point in the process, you were supposed get the payoff, you were supposed to get 'IT'. The 'seminar' was in a Palace Hotel ballroom and scheduled two consecutive weekends. The start time was 8:00 on a Saturday morning. The room held about 400 people and it was full. The 'training' was to be done by the founder of the company, Werner Erhard. Ground rules: There were to be bathroom breaks, a lunch break but expect to be there for about 12 hours. You had to remain IN YOUR SEAT! Well, anyway, there were no bathroom breaks, lunch was cancelled and the first day ended at about 1:00 Sunday morning. I heard through the grumbles in the room that some people had peed in their seats! Some people needed a ride, I gave them a ride and went home and slept for about 4 hours. 8:00 AM, Sunday morning, I was back in my seat. The $350 was non-refundable. I really have little recollection of what happened on that stage; charts, graphs, personal stories, quotes from the sages of history; something along those lines. Once again, NO breaks and once again it all went about 15 hours into Monday morning. This time no sleep break. After giving my new acquaintances rides home, I had to go to work for a 4:00 AM - 1:00 shift. My work place was a Safeway store in North Beach. I was pissed, angry; I felt really trapped and duped, by my job, by the EST scam, by everything. I was on the Embarcadaro freeway and IT hit me. I got IT in a single moment. It was a intellectual realization borne of physical exhaustion. I realized that past, present and future . . . . . . . I wasn't forced to do any of it. I was angry about going to work. I wasn't up to it. I really got that all I had to do was exit the freeway, go to a payphone (1975, remember?) and call it in. Don't tell 'em I was sick, injured; just tell them 'I'm not going to be there today.' I did go to work and had a great day. I had energy and focus. In every moment I was where I wanted to be.
There were times on my 1st two Caminos where I felt exactly the same way. These feelings did not hit me on the first day or on the tenth day; they hit me when it all became a grind, when it started to be a little non-sensical. The walking served as a kind of brainwashing that disposed all my thoughts about past mistakes and future to-do lists. i was just right there by my lonesome or walking next to my partner or sitting having a coffee as I once again got 'IT'. That's it : ).

 

[CTLawGal]

I'm not sure I'm getting the connection between EST - getting IT and the desire to return to the Camino by yourself, but I would encourage you to go since you are feeling drawn to it and I would also say that it is likely to be a different experience walking solo and that you should give that a try. Although I've only done one Camino, I did it solo - I am also planning my second, and will do that solo as well. My sense is that it is different than walking with someone, but that is purely observational and others who have done both solo or companion trips may disagree. Go do it! And let go of your IT experience and focus on your present experience. Buen Camino!

 

[J Willhaus]

Perhaps your partner should go on his or her own trip or Camino while you are gone? I generally walk with my spouse although he has done two different solo Caminos. I've done one Camino without my spouse, but instead took a group of university students as a class. Have not walked alone, but think I might enjoy it someday.

 

[Dani7]

“I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.” - Lucille Ball

As I get older, there will come a time, if I’m fortunate to live a long life and keep my memories, where I will be sitting with them. My solo caminos will be at the forefront of my fondest ones and a great source of lingering joy.

“The future depends on what you do today” Mahatma Ghandhi

Time is not as linear as we may think. Past, present and future live in our heads and hearts all at the same time.

Only you can know why a solo camino is calling.

 

[Steven Dwyer]

and IT hit me. I got IT in a single moment. It was a intellectual realization borne of physical exhaustion. I realized that past, present and future .

How very odd to see your message today. Back in the late 70’s I forked over my hard earned money and went to “The Experience”, aka Gay EST. I went mostly because my then employer was sort of pushing it on all of us in the real estate office. For whatever reason, about half way through the first day of the seminar, I suddenly got “IT.” For the rest of the weekend, the rest of the group was trying to imitate me, thinking somehow, that was “IT.” Given my life at the time, “IT” didn’t stick around, and over the years, I completely forgot about “IT.”

So here I am at age 70, doing yet another Camino for no real reason, other than I enjoy them, and given my age, multiple health issues, lack of proper sleep and diet, and hating the fact that in Baiona, all of the dreaded 100km people are clogging “my” trail and killing the Camino that I love. I finally get to my hotel, head back out to check out the Via Verde, the alternate track from Vigo not on the apps, hit an over crowded restaurant, where a group of tourist pilgrims (sorry for the judgement, but that was my feeling at the moment) and they start harassing the poor overworked server to get me my food when I am perfectly happy just to wait and enjoy the downtime. I get back to my hotel and fall into bed and asleep.

At 4 am I am awake, thinking this could be my last Camino, hell, I have just been diagnosed with a somewhat rare form of cancer that my doctor tells me we will just have to wait and see what happens. All of a sudden, I am sobbing, deep, body racking sobbing, and I am crying, not because I am dying, hell, discovered that one years ago with a different pandemic, and I have no problem with being dead, it’s just I don’t want the unknowns of the journey to the undertaker. And then I realize that I am crying because all these a@@hole people are killing the Camino I love. F@$&, I was pissed. “IT” happens, and I can’t describe it other than to say, that if Bernini thinks he got Santa Thersa’s ecstasy right, he’s fooling himself. Hell, I’ve done my share of drugs, and had some mind blowing sex, but they are all child’s play in comparison. I finally, manage a bit more sleep, and wonder if it was all a dream when I wake up.

The next day’s walk to Cesantes, the world begins to shift. I meet some wonderful people on the trail who remind me of my early pilgrimages, we are talking as kindred souls, and I am after days of walking finally connecting with people who bring back my faith somewhat that there might be hope for the Camino.

Next day, my two traveling companions are walking and I know about the alternate trail just before Pontevedra, and by some miracle, it is closed. The trail obelisk is wrapped in plastic, so everyone is sticking to the roadway. With a look over my shoulder to make sure we aren’t followed, I take us into the woods.

I’m am now totally exhausted, wondering if I will even make it out of the woods, tears streaming down my face, really feeling like this might be the end. I am the tail end of the group, my friends are walking in silence…….and then “IT” begins all over again.

In Pontevedra, I am wiped out, and after doing the bare minimum, dropping my bag off, taking the new by to the visit the Virgin of the Camino, I head back to the hotel and collapse in bed.

In the morning, I am feeling rested, and we set out for the Spiritual Variation. I can’t face the first hill on the route, hell, I am letting myself feel every day of those 70 years I have accumulated. My short cut turns out to be a real delight to walk. We stop for lunch, and from another table I am greeted with a smile and a way from a woman who is developmentally challanged, and once again the world begins to shift.

At the monastery, it’s another night of tortured sleep, and the lunch time smile and wave pull me through. A lovely chance chat with Sister Paula starts our trek which descendds through what I can only describe as the mystical route of Stone and Water,

By the time we reach the little trail side cafe, my whole world view has shifted. To be sure, there are a@@holes in the cafe, but I am at peace in my soul. I am living in the moment, totally present and more alive than I have ever felt.

It’s now a week later. I have taken time to reflect on what an amazing journey my life has been, the good and the bad, and realize that “Auntie Mame had it nailed, “Life is a Banquet….”

So yes, I totally understand why you might want to walk yet another Camino. God Bless, and Buen Camino.

 

[CTLawGal]

How very odd to see your message today. Back in the late 70’s I forked over my hard earned money and went to “The Experience”, aka Gay EST. I went mostly because my then employer was sort of pushing it on all of us in the real estate office. For whatever reason, about half way through the first day of the seminar, I suddenly got “IT.” For the rest of the weekend, the rest of the group was trying to imitate me, thinking somehow, that was “IT.” Given my life at the time, “IT” didn’t stick around, and over the years, I completely forgot about “IT.”

So here I am at age 70, doing yet another Camino for no real reason, other than I enjoy them, and given my age, multiple health issues, lack of proper sleep and diet, and hating the fact that in Baiona, all of the dreaded 100km people are clogging “my” trail and killing the Camino that I love. I finally get to my hotel, head back out to check out the Via Verde, the alternate track from Vigo not on the apps, hit an over crowded restaurant, where a group of tourist pilgrims (sorry for the judgement, but that was my feeling at the moment) and they start harassing the poor overworked server to get me my food when I am perfectly happy just to wait and enjoy the downtime. I get back to my hotel and fall into bed and asleep.

At 4 am I am awake, thinking this could be my last Camino, hell, I have just been diagnosed with a somewhat rare form of cancer that my doctor tells me we will just have to wait and see what happens. All of a sudden, I am sobbing, deep, body racking sobbing, and I am crying, not because I am dying, hell, discovered that one years ago with a different pandemic, and I have no problem with being dead, it’s just I don’t want the unknowns of the journey to the undertaker. And then I realize that I am crying because all these a@@hole people are killing the Camino I love. F@$&, I was pissed. “IT” happens, and I can’t describe it other than to say, that if Bernini thinks he got Santa Thersa’s ecstasy right, he’s fooling himself. Hell, I’ve done my share of drugs, and had some mind blowing sex, but they are all child’s play in comparison. I finally, manage a bit more sleep, and wonder if it was all a dream when I wake up.

The next day’s walk to Cesantes, the world begins to shift. I meet some wonderful people on the trail who remind me of my early pilgrimages, we are talking as kindred souls, and I am after days of walking finally connecting with people who bring back my faith somewhat that there might be hope for the Camino.

Next day, my two traveling companions are walking and I know about the alternate trail just before Pontevedra, and by some miracle, it is closed. The trail obelisk is wrapped in plastic, so everyone is sticking to the roadway. With a look over my shoulder to make sure we aren’t followed, I take us into the woods.

I’m am now totally exhausted, wondering if I will even make it out of the woods, tears streaming down my face, really feeling like this might be the end. I am the tail end of the group, my friends are walking in silence…….and then “IT” begins all over again.

In Pontevedra, I am wiped out, and after doing the bare minimum, dropping my bag off, taking the new by to the visit the Virgin of the Camino, I head back to the hotel and collapse in bed.

In the morning, I am feeling rested, and we set out for the Spiritual Variation. I can’t face the first hill on the route, hell, I am letting myself feel every day of those 70 years I have accumulated. My short cut turns out to be a real delight to walk. We stop for lunch, and from another table I am greeted with a smile and a way from a woman who is developmentally challanged, and once again the world begins to shift.

At the monastery, it’s another night of tortured sleep, and the lunch time smile and wave pull me through. A lovely chance chat with Sister Paula starts our trek which descendds through what I can only describe as the mystical route of Stone and Water,

By the time we reach the little trail side cafe, my whole world view has shifted. To be sure, there are a@@holes in the cafe, but I am at peace in my soul. I am living in the moment, totally present and more alive than I have ever felt.

It’s now a week later. I have taken time to reflect on what an amazing journey my life has been, the good and the bad, and realize that “Auntie Mame had it nailed, “Life is a Banquet….”

So yes, I totally understand why you might want to walk yet another Camino. God Bless, and Buen Camino.

I still don't get the reference to "IT" (I guess you had to take that training), but I loved this. Thank you

 

[ShoshTrvls]

I have nothing good to say about EST. It *was* brainwashing, pure and simple - read back your description of the weekend seminar - every aspect of it is a brainwashing technique. Even reflecting back on those experiences 50 years later sends shivers down my spine.

The Camino is, IMHO,180 degrees the opposite. You are in control of your Camino. You walk when you want; you eat when you want; you stop when you want. You are not imprisoned and walled off from the world, but instead immersed in the environment and the people who live in the villages and towns you pass through. And it doesn’t force you to ascribed to a particular “IT;” you find your own IT.

 

[Rebekah Scott]

Some people feel "it." Some call it "the camino spirit." Others call it "Holy Ghost Power," or "enlightenment." There are all kinds of ways of getting there, almost all involve stepping out of the noise and distractions of the familiar everyday, shutting off the phone, and disciplining your body with exercise, or stillness, fasting or solitude.

It's the royal road to Contemplation, to liminal space. Which leads to a sense of well-being, peacefulness, and unity... and eventually realization that you don't need a camino, or any pilgrimage, to get there.
But it sure helps.
(and as many delusional a##holes as there are on the camino, they can never "ruin" it. It's bigger than they are.)

 

[J Willhaus]

Yes, I read a little about this EST training. I guess the only thing I ever attended was Amway training when I was younger and I was a failure at that as a salessperson although I liked the soap.

Let the Camino be your release from this experience instead of it reminding you.

 

[Tincatinker]

I’ve always thought that not being allowed to go to the toilet was excellent training for the Camino. Along with not having an opinion of your own and fulfilling the objectives - those objectives to be revealed shortly after you’ve failed to fulfil them.

 

[Rita Flower]

Hi @Charles Ross - I sincerely believe the Camino calls us and not vice versa. So If you want to walk another Camino and you can (physically, financially etc) then do it - and it’s OK to go alone no matter who else wants to come too.
Re Suffering and realisation (IT)
My last Camino was the most difficult physically and emotionally yet I think I received far more lasting healing and growth than from the precious three. While suffering is not required, some of us don’t let go until it really burns.
I vowed it would be my last Camino - and it might be - but after I got home I didn’t even last three months before I started planning another.
The older I get the more mysterious it all becomes.
Buen Camino

 

[Steven Dwyer]

I still don't get the reference to "IT" (I guess you had to take that training), but I loved this. Thank you

Some people feel "it." Some call it "the camino spirit." Others call it "Holy Ghost Power," or "enlightenment." There are all kinds of ways of getting there, almost all involve stepping out of the noise and distractions of the familiar everyday, shutting off the phone, and disciplining your body with exercise, or stillness, fasting or solitude.

It's the royal road to Contemplation, to liminal space. Which leads to a sense of well-being, peacefulness, and unity... and eventually realization that you don't need a camino, or any pilgrimage, to get there.
But it sure helps.
(and as many delusional a##holes as there are on the camino, they can never "ruin" it. It's bigger than they are.)

Rebekah, your words do a much better job of explain “IT” than I can. It felt like the most powerful and intimate connection with the universe, God, enlightenment, or whatever.

Thankfully, this times it sure seems to have a lasting effect, making me a better person and bring much more joy into my days.

Thank you.

 

[Aidan21]

Hi Charles,
Does walking the Camino invoke passion and excitement within you? Do you feel whole and fulfilled whenever you complete a Camino?
Life is short, it consists of lots of different experiences, some good and some not so good. If the Camino pleases you, then darn well walk it and let the rest of life sort itself out; it will still be there whenever you get home. Do not die with regrets of 'What if'.
Aidan

 

[yesshesaid]

I've walked most of the French Camino twice and some of an aborted Portuguese Camino earlier this year. I'm considering a walk next Spring and getting some pushback from friends and relatives. My previous walks were with my partner, this upcoming adventure would be a solo walk. I'm hearing: 'You've done this already, you've done this more than once. There are so many things to do and places to see, why do this same walk (the French Camino) again' From my partner it's basically 'You're going without ME?!!!!' Okay. At this point you might be thinking that this is pretty much a personal problem/situation and not worth a discussion on the WWW.
Well, I've been thinking long and hard about this. There's more to my desire than it just being a 'fun vacay'. I recall something that happened to me @ 50 years ago. I was in my early 20's living in San Francisco working in a grocery store. A friend signed up and took a seminar called 'Erhard Seminar Training' (EST). He came out of the experience and talked me into taking it ("You gotta do it!", basically). In 1975 350 bucks was not an inconsequential amount of money pay for fluff but, ok. At some point in the process, you were supposed get the payoff, you were supposed to get 'IT'. The 'seminar' was in a Palace Hotel ballroom and scheduled two consecutive weekends. The start time was 8:00 on a Saturday morning. The room held about 400 people and it was full. The 'training' was to be done by the founder of the company, Werner Erhard. Ground rules: There were to be bathroom breaks, a lunch break but expect to be there for about 12 hours. You had to remain IN YOUR SEAT! Well, anyway, there were no bathroom breaks, lunch was cancelled and the first day ended at about 1:00 Sunday morning. I heard through the grumbles in the room that some people had peed in their seats! Some people needed a ride, I gave them a ride and went home and slept for about 4 hours. 8:00 AM, Sunday morning, I was back in my seat. The $350 was non-refundable. I really have little recollection of what happened on that stage; charts, graphs, personal stories, quotes from the sages of history; something along those lines. Once again, NO breaks and once again it all went about 15 hours into Monday morning. This time no sleep break. After giving my new acquaintances rides home, I had to go to work for a 4:00 AM - 1:00 shift. My work place was a Safeway store in North Beach. I was pissed, angry; I felt really trapped and duped, by my job, by the EST scam, by everything. I was on the Embarcadaro freeway and IT hit me. I got IT in a single moment. It was a intellectual realization borne of physical exhaustion. I realized that past, present and future . . . . . . . I wasn't forced to do any of it. I was angry about going to work. I wasn't up to it. I really got that all I had to do was exit the freeway, go to a payphone (1975, remember?) and call it in. Don't tell 'em I was sick, injured; just tell them 'I'm not going to be there today.' I did go to work and had a great day. I had energy and focus. In every moment I was where I wanted to be.
There were times on my 1st two Caminos where I felt exactly the same way. These feelings did not hit me on the first day or on the tenth day; they hit me when it all became a grind, when it started to be a little non-sensical. The walking served as a kind of brainwashing that disposed all my thoughts about past mistakes and future to-do lists. i was just right there by my lonesome or walking next to my partner or sitting having a coffee as I once again got 'IT'. That's it : ).

I've been looking through this forum for a long time, looking for a post like yours. It totally aligns with my experience but I've had a hard time finding my way back and not knowing what it was that caused me to suddenly come alive in 2019 midway through a spartan Camino. This description is an echo of what I have looked for in the past five years. Not IT perhaps but the feeling you describe after the exhaustion and despair. And it's damn hard to explain to other people who haven't been there but I know it shined through me for almost a year after returning home. It's not a travel experience but a real pilgrimage. Thank you and ultreia!

 

[auburnfive]

I’ve often wondered why people from my area of Canada return every year to an area in Mexico, Florida etc and no one says “ Again? Why go there when there’s so many other places?” But to do multiple Caminos, somehow requires an explanation

 

[Charles Ross]

The responses to what I originally wrote are really interesting, ranging from 'I have no idea what you're talking about', 'if you want to walk, walk!', 'EST? EST Sucks!', to 'yeah, IT! I remember IT'. I was trying to make a connection in my roundaboutway between physical exhaustion and revelation. You cannot fly into Santiago, go to the Cathedral, plop yourself down in the main square and have the Camino revelation. I would argue that you cannot bus/taxi all the way from St. Jean Pied de Port, forego all the discomfort, and have that experience. I think you have to short circuit the intellect and wear yourself down . . . really down to have it hit you. (It again).

 

[trecile]

I would argue that you cannot bus/taxi all the way from St. Jean Pied de Port, forego all the discomfort, and have that experience

I also think that you can't "cherry pick" the prettiest parts of the Camino and have the same kind of experience. I love the feeling that I get after about 10 days on the Camino that "this is where I live right now" that makes me feel so connected to the Camino.

 

[Sirage]

I have had a few Caminos interrupted by a few issues, and last time by needing a bus ride to get a bed over Easter.

I think the most satisfying Camino is one you choose, long enough for a feeling of immersion, solo, and then walk every ... inch.

 

[OZAJ]

I've walked most of the French Camino twice and some of an aborted Portuguese Camino earlier this year. I'm considering a walk next Spring and getting some pushback from friends and relatives. My previous walks were with my partner, this upcoming adventure would be a solo walk. I'm hearing: 'You've done this already, you've done this more than once. There are so many things to do and places to see, why do this same walk (the French Camino) again' From my partner it's basically 'You're going without ME?!!!!' Okay. At this point you might be thinking that this is pretty much a personal problem/situation and not worth a discussion on the WWW. Well, I've been thinking long and hard about this. There's more to my desire than it just being a 'fun vacay'. I recall something that happened to me @ 50 years ago. I was in my early 20's living in San Francisco working in a grocery store. A friend signed up and took a seminar called 'Erhard Seminar Training' (EST). He came out of the experience and talked me into taking it ("You gotta do it!", basically). In 1975 350 bucks was not an inconsequential amount of money pay for fluff but, ok. At some point in the process, you were supposed get the payoff, you were supposed to get 'IT'. The 'seminar' was in a Palace Hotel ballroom and scheduled two consecutive weekends. The start time was 8:00 on a Saturday morning. The room held about 400 people and it was full. The 'training' was to be done by the founder of the company, Werner Erhard. Ground rules: There were to be bathroom breaks, a lunch break but expect to be there for about 12 hours. You had to remain IN YOUR SEAT! Well, anyway, there were no bathroom breaks, lunch was cancelled and the first day ended at about 1:00 Sunday morning. I heard through the grumbles in the room that some people had peed in their seats! Some people needed a ride, I gave them a ride and went home and slept for about 4 hours. 8:00 AM, Sunday morning, I was back in my seat. The $350 was non-refundable. I really have little recollection of what happened on that stage; charts, graphs, personal stories, quotes from the sages of history; something along those lines. Once again, NO breaks and once again it all went about 15 hours into Monday morning. This time no sleep break. After giving my new acquaintances rides home, I had to go to work for a 4:00 AM - 1:00 shift. My work place was a Safeway store in North Beach. I was pissed, angry; I felt really trapped and duped, by my job, by the EST scam, by everything. I was on the Embarcadaro freeway and IT hit me. I got IT in a single moment. It was a intellectual realization borne of physical exhaustion. I realized that past, present and future . . . . . . . I wasn't forced to do any of it. I was angry about going to work. I wasn't up to it. I really got that all I had to do was exit the freeway, go to a payphone (1975, remember?) and call it in. Don't tell 'em I was sick, injured; just tell them 'I'm not going to be there today.' I did go to work and had a great day. I had energy and focus. In every moment I was where I wanted to be. There were times on my 1st two Caminos where I felt exactly the same way. These feelings did not hit me on the first day or on the tenth day; they hit me when it all became a grind, when it started to be a little non-sensical. The walking served as a kind of brainwashing that disposed all my thoughts about past mistakes and future to-do lists. i was just right there by my lonesome or walking next to my partner or sitting having a coffee as I once again got 'IT'. That's it : ).

I've walked most of the French Camino twice and some of an aborted Portuguese Camino earlier this year. I'm considering a walk next Spring and getting some pushback from friends and relatives. My previous walks were with my partner, this upcoming adventure would be a solo walk. I'm hearing: 'You've done this already, you've done this more than once. There are so many things to do and places to see, why do this same walk (the French Camino) again' From my partner it's basically 'You're going without ME?!!!!' Okay. At this point you might be thinking that this is pretty much a personal problem/situation and not worth a discussion on the WWW.
Well, I've been thinking long and hard about this. There's more to my desire than it just being a 'fun vacay'. I recall something that happened to me @ 50 years ago. I was in my early 20's living in San Francisco working in a grocery store. A friend signed up and took a seminar called 'Erhard Seminar Training' (EST). He came out of the experience and talked me into taking it ("You gotta do it!", basically). In 1975 350 bucks was not an inconsequential amount of money pay for fluff but, ok. At some point in the process, you were supposed get the payoff, you were supposed to get 'IT'. The 'seminar' was in a Palace Hotel ballroom and scheduled two consecutive weekends. The start time was 8:00 on a Saturday morning. The room held about 400 people and it was full. The 'training' was to be done by the founder of the company, Werner Erhard. Ground rules: There were to be bathroom breaks, a lunch break but expect to be there for about 12 hours. You had to remain IN YOUR SEAT! Well, anyway, there were no bathroom breaks, lunch was cancelled and the first day ended at about 1:00 Sunday morning. I heard through the grumbles in the room that some people had peed in their seats! Some people needed a ride, I gave them a ride and went home and slept for about 4 hours. 8:00 AM, Sunday morning, I was back in my seat. The $350 was non-refundable. I really have little recollection of what happened on that stage; charts, graphs, personal stories, quotes from the sages of history; something along those lines. Once again, NO breaks and once again it all went about 15 hours into Monday morning. This time no sleep break. After giving my new acquaintances rides home, I had to go to work for a 4:00 AM - 1:00 shift. My work place was a Safeway store in North Beach. I was pissed, angry; I felt really trapped and duped, by my job, by the EST scam, by everything. I was on the Embarcadaro freeway and IT hit me. I got IT in a single moment. It was a intellectual realization borne of physical exhaustion. I realized that past, present and future . . . . . . . I wasn't forced to do any of it. I was angry about going to work. I wasn't up to it. I really got that all I had to do was exit the freeway, go to a payphone (1975, remember?) and call it in. Don't tell 'em I was sick, injured; just tell them 'I'm not going to be there today.' I did go to work and had a great day. I had energy and focus. In every moment I was where I wanted to be.
There were times on my 1st two Caminos where I felt exactly the same way. These feelings did not hit me on the first day or on the tenth day; they hit me when it all became a grind, when it started to be a little non-sensical. The walking served as a kind of brainwashing that disposed all my thoughts about past mistakes and future to-do lists. i was just right there by my lonesome or walking next to my partner or sitting having a coffee as I once again got 'IT'. That's it : ).

The way you tell it and the result you got from it makes EST seem a little like the sort of penitential pilgrimage that can be experienced at Lough Derg in Ireland.