Absolutely terrified to start

[maryelle]

Hi all,

Maybe some can give some advice/helping words for me to actually be able to go do it.
I am feeling the need to walk the frances (i originally planned and wanted to do the primitivo for the nature and more peaceful experience, but changed to the frances because i feel its what i really need in order to be able to continue life in any meaningful way (that is; having around 700/800km to go and not just 12 days which are easy to overcome even if things don't go well you will survive and are home before you know it and therefor not learn the things i need to learn from this).

I need to do this to learn to trust myself again (be able to care for myself, buy myself food and lodging and deal with situations, to trust others again after many very extreme and traumatizing situations ive been in my whole life, connecting with others and also accept help and dare to just be me and learn that i am allowed to be here on this earth too, learning that i don't need much and let go of things that don't serve a purpuse (no more what ifs), let go of things and people and so called friends and many many many more reasons.

I feel like if i only do a short route ill just keep behaving like i do and not really change, so i changed towards the frances from sjpp. But... i am so terrified and don't know how to pull this off.

I have adhd, or add, which makes it really hard for me to get ready, ive been trying since may 2024 to get my kit ready and i still haven't decided what to bring. Backpack, clothing, jacket, blanket etc. I just can't make decisions (which is also why i need to do this, because i will have to when out there). Ive been experiencing high stress for the last months, i don't sleep well, im not functioning etc etc because i just can't get ready.

I am also terrified to not be okay. To be cold and miserable. To not be able to care for myself, allow myself that coffee in the morning, or decent food if too expensive. To be extremely uncomfy and unhappy for the whole 35+ days.

I know more people are scared. But i don't know how to get ready and get there and actually start. I do know that i really really need to though or ill stay in this place for the rest of my life. Locked down by fear and what ifs and everything.

Planning to start somewhere next week, hopefully take the bus tuesday to bayonne. I really hope the biggest crowds are past then. The bed races give me so much extra stress.

 

[MinaKamina]

hi Maryelle, welkom op het forum.

if I may say so, you have set yourself an impossible task. no wonder you are overwhelmed. just reading your post makes me feel paralyzed. please, please, be kind to yourself and keep it simple. that journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

so I propose that you start with a mini Camino.

put on your walking shoes. take a small daypack with a sandwich and some water. phone. raincoat.
take the bus to the railway station.
take the train to Roermond.
walk to Voorstad St. Jacob and start your one day camino there.
walk to Thorn and have a pancake. take the bus back to Roermond and the train to Eindhoven.
- or if you are feeling up to it - walke on to Maaseik, take the bus to Susteren and the train to Roermond.

and take it from there. good luck!

 

[maryelle]

hi Maryelle, welkom op het forum.

if I may say so, you have set yourself an impossible task. just reading your post makes me feel paralyzed. please, please, be kind to yourself and keep it simple. that journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

so I propose that you start with a mini Camino.

put on your walking shoes. take a small daypack with a sandwich and some water. phone. raincoat.
take the bus to the railway station.
take the train to Roermond.
walk to Voorstad St. Jacob and start your one day camino there.
walk to Thorn and have a pancake. take the bus back to Roermond and the train to Eindhoven.
- or if you are feeling up to it - walke on to Maaseik, take the bus to Susteren and the train to Roermond.

and take it from there. good luck!

Thank you for your reply.

I'm doing many day hikes, complete with backpack and amount of kg I will bring. I've been to luxumburg recently for multiple day hikes in and elevation. I'm fine with walking, and fine with multiple days ahead. But this all has been with my own tent, my own things, more stuff than I need and can bring in a backpack. I'm testing out all possible gear and clothing combinations, all backpacks for 20+km. I'm not afraid of the walk, I'm afraid to not be ok. Clothing wise, sleeping wise, food wise.

 

[CamisMors]

Hi Maryelle,

I walked the Camino Francés by myself last year too, and I was in a similar mindset and mental space as you are now. When I first stepped outside the albergue at SJPDP, I froze and stood there for about 10 minutes, completely terrified. But trust me, as the days go by, you'll transform into a walking machine. The highs and lows are part of the journey – some days you'll feel incredible, other days not as much – but by the end, you’ll be amazed at what you’ve accomplished.

What really helped me was realizing that on the Camino, I only had only one simple task each day: wake up and walk. Everything else was optional. This took a lot of pressure off the decision-making process, which I also tend to find overwhelming.

I can guarantee that you won’t be unhappy for 35 days straight – far from it! You'll meet wonderful people who will lift you up on the tough days and make the journey even more special.

If you ever want advice on your packing list or anything else, feel free to send me a message. I’d be happy to help.
Buen Camino.

 

[woody66]

Maryelle great advice from Camilla above this!!!
It's a lovely walk, pack light only what you need; there are lots of packing lists on here (you can buy anything you forgot along the way)
Don't be scared by the distance you can do it !
I was terrified when i got on the plane for my first Camino (six feet 2inch 105kg beardy tattooed guy) You will be fine
If you need help you will find it!
Accept the wind, love the rain, smile and be positive.
Have a blast

Buen Camino
Woody

 

[Caomhin O Fearghaill]

on the Camino, as you get to know who you are, the weight of yout fear and sorrow will decrease day by day

 

[André Walker]

Unfortunately, I'm not capable of taking away your fears and worries. There's only one person who can overcome those: the one who's looking at you in the mirror.

But, as a famous saying goes: you don't have to oversee the whole staircase, just take the first step...

Starting on a Camino won't change who you are, finishing a Camino might. When you start this great and hopefully wonderful adventure you'll be taking with you whatever you carry in your backpack: you can't leave your worries, fears, past experiences and other 'shit' at home.

But, hopefully, as you go along on your Camino, you'll learn how to let them go, one by one. Or, if getting rid of them turns out to be impossible or only partly possible, you might find new things that make your life or dealing with your 'shit' easier.

Whatever you Camino may bring you: go for it. You can do it. And may it bring you something good.

Ultreia

 

[Jarrad]

All good advice above in regard to getting started. The Camino can be a very powerful agent of personal change and yet you still need to have reasonable expectations. In re-reading your second paragraph, I see that there is a lot there, if you will. If you are not meeting with a mental health professional to help process and heal from your trauma, then I strongly urge you to seek one out.

 

[Corinne Lombardi]

You eat the elephant one bite at a time. Do not worry about the whole trip, just take every day by itself, like a bunch of day trips. Pick today's distance, get up, walk, eat, sleep, repeat.

CF has pretty much anything you forgot to pack available along the route. You will find that you probably do not need it.

 

[Rick of Rick and Peg]

Maybe some can give some advice/helping words for me to actually be able to go do it.

"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance"

 

[Orione]

to add to the wonderful advice above: you can show up for that first step in the road somewhat disorganised. Having a vague plan and most of the things you think will help you out is plenty. The road will provide the rest if you trust it. There are shops and kind people along the way, and so many people who can’t wait to tell you what a good route is or where to find a good shop, or a nice albergue.

You are right to say that we all fear to start. And to be frank, I had that same fear again every day on the road to start the next day’s walk. And then somehow you take that first step, shake a little with fear, take a deep breath and go.

You’ll be fine! Book your flight/train and then leave with the plan and the gear that you have, and trust that you’ll show up for yourself and that the road & the others will provide what you lack. Ultreia!

 

[K_Lynn]

BREATHE!

Prepping for Camino is daunting. There are so many unknowns. I had panic attacks leading up to my first Camino, but I knew it would fine. Millions of people have walked Camino and you can too!

Take your time. Stop frequently for short breaks. Say Hola or Buen Camino to everyone you meet.

Buen Camino!

 

[Jarrad]

Prepping for Camino is daunting

Yes! Or at least it can seem daunting when we fill our minds to a troubling and unnecessary extent about things that often only have little and sometimes no impact on our Camino. Do I obsess over every gram of weight I put in my pack? Do I worry over whether to fly into Madrid or Paris? Do I preoccupy myself with thoughts about albergue reservations, walking poles, and whether I have just the right socks? (Fun fact: I was a Wright sock devotee until I wasn't). Yes to all the above. Do I need to? No, not to a point that I'm constantly worrying over these things. A reasonable level of preparation, some common sense (e.g., drink water), and openness to adapting along the Way will get you to Santiago.

 

[C clearly]

I feel like if i only do a short route ill just keep behaving like i do and not really change

I am all in favour of challenging oneself, and I think the Camino is a wonderful experience - transformational for some but certainly not everyone. You cannot expect the Camino to magically change your behaviour. Maybe you will learn something from 1 week on the Camino that you can take away and apply to your life at home. Then next year, maybe you will do more.

One thing that I hope you will NOT do, is treat the Camino as an all-or-nothing challenge at which you either "succeed" or "fail." That attitude of "failing" reinforces negativity, and you give up the autonomy that develops as you learn to meet small challenges and use that confidence to take on bigger challenges.

Go to the Camino with few expectations of yourself and the Camino. Walk until it seems that you have walked enough, for this occasion. That is not failure - it is being reasonable and coping with the circumstances.

 

[henrythedog]

Without wishing to be rude, you are seriously over-thinking this.

On my first Camino in 2014 my fellow holidaymakers included a fair number who shouldn’t have been allowed to cross the road on their own but - somehow - nothing caught fire, nobody died, and everyone got to Santiago.

Get on with it - it’s far more straightforward than you imagine.

 

[K_Lynn]

Yes! Or at least it can seem daunting when we fill our minds to a troubling and unnecessary extent about things that often only have little and sometimes no impact on our Camino. Do I obsess over every gram of weight I put in my pack? Do I worry over whether to fly into Madrid or Paris? Do I preoccupy myself with thoughts about albergue reservations, walking poles, and whether I have just the right socks? (Fun fact: I was a Wright sock devotee until I wasn't). Yes to all the above. Do I need to? No, not to a point that I'm constantly worrying over these things. A reasonable level of preparation, some common sense (e.g., drink water), and openness to adapting along the Way will get you to Santiago.

I had spreadsheets that weighed every single thing in the hopes of being disciplined and not taking too much. At a certain point I gave up and just packed what I thought I needed...which was way too much! I was able to carry it without issues, and did sensibly mail some stuff to Santiago when I got to Burgos. I learned from the first and brought much, much less stuff for my second Camino.

The one thing that I did do in preparation for my first was: gave myself permission to fail, and gave myself encouragement to continue. After that brain shift everything was easier. Some days will be hard. It's okay to stop at the nearest town. Get up the next day and walk again!

 

[falconbrother]

Before we walked it we overthought. If I were going tomorrow I'd just throw some things in my pack and figure it out. You'll discover that it's just a put one foot in front of the other and live each day thing. To alleviate some stress it's helpful to make reservations for the first couple of nights. Other than that it's a walking event. Wonderful experience.

 

[DoughnutANZ]

I have adhd, or add

Several of us on here are neurodivergent and some acknowledge that. I am neurodivergent and I started my Camino Frances back in May 2019 from St. Jean with an overweight backpack, no real idea of where I was going except "over that biggish hill in front of me, towards Pamplona and then turn right" with €200 and a credit card in my pocket because the Camino called me.

I made it to Santiago after some adventures and with the help of a friend and people along the way.

One of the things that you are probably good at is focussing on something that you are interested in. Once you are walking, just focus on your walking and the rest of the noise will fall away.

Don't worry too much about the prep, you will probably sort what needs to be sorted at the last moment anyway. Anything else that comes up can be handled, after all, you will be in Spain, amongst other people (many of whom are happy to help), walking a well signposted and we'll resourced trail.

Of course you will probably have hard days and down days, most people do, but you will probably have easy days and great days too.

Sometimes I think that the hard days and down days are necessary so that we really appreciate the great moments that occur.

The sentiment in @Rick of Rick and Peg s song speaks to some of this.

As others have said, try not to set your self up for disappointment by going with expectations of what you will get out of it.

You will get what you get.

It may take some time afterwards to realise the value of what you got.

All the best and Buen Camino

 

[Robo]

I have ADD. It drives my wife nuts at times.
I 'obsess' over things (like the Camino) and plan my Caminos to the nth degree with a Plan A, B and C for every eventuality....

But once my feet hit the trail, I relax....... totally...........and just let the Camino 'happen'.

You can do this.

Just get yourself to your start point and walk.
Take each hour and each day as it comes.

The simplicity of it all calms your soul

 

[Kiwi-family]

You know what? All those things you want in paragraph two can be learnt at home. You don't need a camino for that. Why don't you just go and walk a camino for the sheer enjoyment of it and release all those expectations that it will change you? You already seem to know what personal work you need to do - can it wait until you've walked with openness and trust? Would it help you tell yourself that you already know you can manage the walking, and so even if it's uncomfortable, you are going to be ok? You've already done walking tenting trips, so you know how to pack - just take out all the camping and cooking gear. You can do this.

 

[Dani7]

Being surrounded by the beauty and sounds of nature, walking one step at a time and the melodies of the birdsongs will help calm your spirit. Despite your anxiety and fears expressed in your post. the many moments that take your breath away will calm your mind, give yourself whatever time you need to adapt to the daily routine of walking from A to B.

You’ve come this far in your life, despite the many stressors and hardships you lived through. You seem to understand clearly what you want and need to do at this point in your life. Your honesty about your feelings tell me you can absolutely, without a doubt…do this. Buen camino.

« Throw your heart over the bar and your body will follow. » Norman Vincent Peale.

…and PS you will never be alone because the many kind and wonderful people in this forum are there for you if and when you need added support.

 

[VNwalking]

Believing your fear is optional.
You know how to walk. So...just do it.

 

[JabbaPapa]

I have adhd, or add, which makes it really hard for me to get ready, ive been trying since may 2024 to get my kit ready and i still haven't decided what to bring. Backpack, clothing, jacket, blanket etc. I just can't make decisions (which is also why i need to do this, because i will have to when out there). Ive been experiencing high stress for the last months, i don't sleep well, im not functioning etc etc because i just can't get ready.

I'd say make your way to Pamplona, and then dump whatever you've taken that's inappropriate, and acquire whatever you're missing. So get there on Tuesday to Friday, when all the shops should be open.

My first few Caminos I hadn't a clue what to bring, but I eventually learned.

But still, bring something personal, just for your own sake.

 

[dbier]

Maryelle,

I an concerned that you won't have a chance to be open to your journey of growth if you carry all those expectations with you.

Literally. Pat yourself on the back for the planning you've already done, and then? Let them go. Dump them out of your mind. Get out there and walk.

Greet your Camino with a mind, soul, and heart open to whatever. Use your ADD for your own good, by allowing your focus to shift with your circumstances.

You'll have good moments and bad ones. We all do. You'll likely forget something, or break something, or need something you didn't bring. Try to keep those things to nonessential...but I suspect you already know how to safeguard your essentials.

You've already learned how to compensate for your divergences in life. Use what you've already learned.

Remember three sayings...

1. People spend time and energy worrying about things that never happen.

2. From Frank Herbert:
"...Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

3. "Do not be afraid."

Buen Camino.

 

[CroPilgrim]

Hi all,

Maybe some can give some advice/helping words for me to actually be able to go do it.
I am feeling the need to walk the frances (i originally planned and wanted to do the primitivo for the nature and more peaceful experience, but changed to the frances because i feel its what i really need in order to be able to continue life in any meaningful way (that is; having around 700/800km to go and not just 12 days which are easy to overcome even if things don't go well you will survive and are home before you know it and therefor not learn the things i need to learn from this).

I need to do this to learn to trust myself again (be able to care for myself, buy myself food and lodging and deal with situations, to trust others again after many very extreme and traumatizing situations ive been in my whole life, connecting with others and also accept help and dare to just be me and learn that i am allowed to be here on this earth too, learning that i don't need much and let go of things that don't serve a purpuse (no more what ifs), let go of things and people and so called friends and many many many more reasons.

I feel like if i only do a short route ill just keep behaving like i do and not really change, so i changed towards the frances from sjpp. But... i am so terrified and don't know how to pull this off.

I have adhd, or add, which makes it really hard for me to get ready, ive been trying since may 2024 to get my kit ready and i still haven't decided what to bring. Backpack, clothing, jacket, blanket etc. I just can't make decisions (which is also why i need to do this, because i will have to when out there). Ive been experiencing high stress for the last months, i don't sleep well, im not functioning etc etc because i just can't get ready.

I am also terrified to not be okay. To be cold and miserable. To not be able to care for myself, allow myself that coffee in the morning, or decent food if too expensive. To be extremely uncomfy and unhappy for the whole 35+ days.

I know more people are scared. But i don't know how to get ready and get there and actually start. I do know that i really really need to though or ill stay in this place for the rest of my life. Locked down by fear and what ifs and everything.

Planning to start somewhere next week, hopefully take the bus tuesday to bayonne. I really hope the biggest crowds are past then. The bed races give me so much extra stress.

You said everything your self! You need it… you know and you feel that you need it… listen to your heart at this moment, act on it for once! Just do what you can, get your gear ready. You can correct/buy stuff along the way… doesn’t matter, not a big deal if you miss something… buy the ticket. Sit on the bus and smile. Go to SJPP…It’s an adventure you will remember for the rest of your life! It will not be all perfect but Camino does provide… don’t stress about the beds… you will have one every day… and all the people on the route that you will meet… all kinds and walks of life… it restored my faith in people… just get going and have faith…
I finished mine in June/July and I can’t stop thinking about it and all the blessings I got along the way…

Buen Camino!!!

 

[walkingagain]

Just get started without a perfect packing list and know that you will be in Pamplona soon.

And when you get to Pamplona - you can get anything you need at the Caminoteca store - the owner is so kind and experienced. He will help you like he helped me and my Mom in March and so many others. http://caminoteca.com/

Then if you decide you need something else you will be in Logroño soon after Pamplona and there are many stores there too.

The same goes for Burgos - and then León.

I also planned and planned and planned my packing list and of course packed way too much!

You can do this. Just start with the first step and take it one day at a time.

You may find this thread helpful - I read it while I was on my first Camino this spring.

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/social-anxiety-on-the-camimo.86685/#post-1254162

 

[maryelle]

Thank you all for taking a moment to reply and help me, reach out to me with supporting words, advice, a shoulder. It is really helping me and im kind of speechless for what i received from you all. If this shows camino spirit then i can't wait to experience being on the way and also be albe to return in.
Of course i still get the big bears on the road, mind versus heart, but the heart is fighting back and i will do all to get on a bus and be on my way. I know for 100% sure that once im in the bus sitting i can exhale and all is good. It's always that way. I also know that i only function very last minute, and function well then, so i should be okay, its just so stressful that i can't seem to function if there is still some time left...

I am looking forward to life on the camino. Simple, straightforward. Not always easy, but my troubles arent in distances, weather, long stretches of no food or water (which wont happen on frances but still), they are in making decisions. What shall i do today, being overwhelmed by choices, by livingconditions and this modern world. By society and rat race and not being good enough if you don't meet those standards. I just want to be and walk and live. Be in the moment. Really looking forward to that.

I took many of the advices to heart and shifted back to 'what do i wear at home that makes me feel comfy, that i put on after a day outside when i crawl on the couch, what do i wear if i walk here?' and decided to bring that instead of all all this supposed hiking gear and clothing advices. It meant both less buy stress/decisions and i know i am okay now, its my favorite clothes and make me feel home/okay. Instead of in some strange new gear things. I always need a lot of time to adopt new things, once i do i wear and use it daily, but it does take a while. I won't pack for 'just in case' and looked at the stores online, thank you for the link!, and know that i will be fine. It looks great.

Thank you all!!!! <3

 

[bestfootforward]

Hi Maryeĺle, you sound waaay more relaxed! Your worry re making decisions about what to do on a daily basis doesn't apply to the Camino. It's all pretty straightforward. The Camino will allow you to do as you hope...to walk and live; be in the moment. And you'll have a wonderful time. Buen Camino!

 

[JabbaPapa]

I took many of the advices to heart and shifted back to 'what do i wear at home that makes me feel comfy, that i put on after a day outside when i crawl on the couch, what do i wear if i walk here?' and decided to bring that instead of all all this supposed hiking gear and clothing advices. It meant both less buy stress/decisions and i know i am okay now, its my favorite clothes and make me feel home/okay. Instead of in some strange new gear things. I always need a lot of time to adopt new things, once i do i wear and use it daily, but it does take a while. I won't pack for 'just in case' and looked at the stores online, thank you for the link!, and know that i will be fine. It looks great.

Exactly !!

 

[walkingagain]

Hi Maryeĺle, you sound waaay more relaxed! Your worry re making decisions about what to do on a daily basis doesn't apply to the Camino. It's all pretty straightforward. The Camino will allow you to do as you hope...to walk and live; be in the moment. And you'll have a wonderful time. Buen Camino!

So true! After a few days on the Francés you will understand that your responsibilities are now : walk, eat, drink, laundry and sleep.

Prayer, contemplating life, little conversations with fellow travelers that blossom into friendships, taking photos….. those just happen as you walk.

Most of us start planning our next Camino on the train or flight out of Santiago because we know somewhere in our hearts that modern life is such an evolutionary mismatch. We crave the clarity of purpose and the tribe we find on the Camino.

 

[Vinnie16]

Several of us on here are neurodivergent and some acknowledge that. I am neurodivergent and I started my Camino Frances back in May 2019 from St. Jean with an overweight backpack, no real idea of where I was going except "over that biggish hill in front of me, towards Pamplona and then turn right" with €200 and a credit card in my pocket because the Camino called me.

I made it to Santiago after some adventures and with the help of a friend and people along the way.

One of the things that you are probably good at is focussing on something that you are interested in. Once you are walking, just focus on your walking and the rest of the noise will fall away.

Don't worry too much about the prep, you will probably sort what needs to be sorted at the last moment anyway. Anything else that comes up can be handled, after all, you will be in Spain, amongst other people (many of whom are happy to help), walking a well signposted and we'll resourced trail.

Of course you will probably have hard days and down days, most people do, but you will probably have easy days and great days too.

Sometimes I think that the hard days and down days are necessary so that we really appreciate the great moments that occur.

The sentiment in @Rick of Rick and Peg s song speaks to some of this.

As others have said, try not to set your self up for disappointment by going with expectations of what you will get out of it.

You will get what you get.

It may take some time afterwards to realise the value of what you got.

All the best and Buen Camino

Hi! I’m neurospicy and starting to walk tmro. Definitely overpacked & now trying to figure out how to leave stuff behind for other travelers? I’m in León for the night.

 

[CTLawGal]

Hi! I’m neurospicy and starting to walk tmro. Definitely overpacked & now trying to figure out how to leave stuff behind for other travelers? I’m in León for the night.

Ship everything you don't need to Santiago!

 

[dbier]

All I can find on Google is a pilgrims kiosk, not a center.

Av. de San Froilán, 2, 24005 León, Spain

I would suggest finding one of the albergues in Leon (use your app or Gronze) and either WhatsApp or call to see if they have space to store and donate your things. Keep your shoes, pack, poles if you use them, passport, credential, and wallet.

Buen lighter Camino.

 

[Vinnie16]

All I can find on Google is a pilgrims kiosk, not a center.

Av. de San Froilán, 2, 24005 León, Spain

I would suggest finding one of the albergues in Leon (use your app or Gronze) and either WhatsApp or call to see if they have space to store and donate your things. Keep your shoes, pack, poles if you use them, passport, credential, and wallet.

Buen lighter Camino.

Great idea! And I really like your signing off wishes for a lighter Camino hehe! Thank you!!

 

[trecile]

Hi! I’m neurospicy and starting to walk tmro. Definitely overpacked & now trying to figure out how to leave stuff behind for other travelers? I’m in León for the night.

Most albergues have a box or table where pilgrims can leave unneeded items and others can pick them up.

 

[Vinnie16]

Most albergues have a box or table where pilgrims can leave unneeded items and others can pick them up.

This is what I was hoping for!