Smallest_Sparrow
Life is rarely what you expect or believe it to be
- Time of past OR future Camino
- 2012: most of some, all of a few, a bit of others
I'd like to start this as an apology for some heated exchange of opinions recently, and perhaps extrapolate on a comment I made on a different thread about why we respond the way we do sometimes, for reasons within ourselves. This is NOT an excuse for my exceedingly bad behavior, but it was an exercise in identifying causes of conflict for me, and might be an example of how not to behave to others (well, the ones who've not already clicked "ignore"). I make a very good bad example, ask anyone who knows me.
I asked myself, why am I being such an @(%%&# (well, above and beyond my baseline being an @(%%&#). There must be something in me driving this irrational behavior. After a few minutes of soul searching, it came to me: my PTSD makes getting through security a living hell. Until I am safely on board, there is the constant threat that I might be randomly selected for a more intrusive search than I can stand without a melt down of epic proportions. I do my best to make sure I never give them cause to search, and I think deep inside, I worry that if they start having a lot of trouble with people carrying back packs, then my carrying a pack, even without my poles, might help them pick me for what will be a journey-ending encounter. My fear made me react in a way that was exceedingly rude, and I am deeply ashamed.
Is my fear a reason for people not to keep trying to carry on their poles? No, of course not. Nor is it my place to try to convince them not to do so, based on my fear. It's something I need to address within myself. sigh, get in line with all the other faults and assorted bits of crazy. But this is an example of something I've long told students and residents--'if the patient is shouting, it means he's afraid. Stay calm and identify the fear.' Easier to do in my office with others than in my life with myself.
I hope I have learned from this, and those whom I have offended can forgive me. I also hope that anyone having a problem with anything they read, on any thread, remember what a fool I've been, and take a moment (that I hope I will take in the future) to see if there might be an internal source of those emotions.
That's me, setting a bad example one step at a time.
I asked myself, why am I being such an @(%%&# (well, above and beyond my baseline being an @(%%&#). There must be something in me driving this irrational behavior. After a few minutes of soul searching, it came to me: my PTSD makes getting through security a living hell. Until I am safely on board, there is the constant threat that I might be randomly selected for a more intrusive search than I can stand without a melt down of epic proportions. I do my best to make sure I never give them cause to search, and I think deep inside, I worry that if they start having a lot of trouble with people carrying back packs, then my carrying a pack, even without my poles, might help them pick me for what will be a journey-ending encounter. My fear made me react in a way that was exceedingly rude, and I am deeply ashamed.
Is my fear a reason for people not to keep trying to carry on their poles? No, of course not. Nor is it my place to try to convince them not to do so, based on my fear. It's something I need to address within myself. sigh, get in line with all the other faults and assorted bits of crazy. But this is an example of something I've long told students and residents--'if the patient is shouting, it means he's afraid. Stay calm and identify the fear.' Easier to do in my office with others than in my life with myself.
I hope I have learned from this, and those whom I have offended can forgive me. I also hope that anyone having a problem with anything they read, on any thread, remember what a fool I've been, and take a moment (that I hope I will take in the future) to see if there might be an internal source of those emotions.
That's me, setting a bad example one step at a time.