State of mind

[Lee Jackson]

I am heading out for my next Camino soon , leaving home April 2, and am finding my self in a strange state of mind. I have been planning since early last year to walk the Via Podensis and maybe continue on the Frances but i lost my mother in early January and since then haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances and feel almost disengaged/disenchanted. I feel like i should still go ( plane tickets were booked prior to her passing) but just dont know if my state of mind will make it too hard.
Has anyone else encountered this? Where mental state affects physical ability.

 

[FLEUR]

You may find the walk very therapeutic. Walking a Camino provides plenty of time to reflect on life. In addition you're bound to meet others who bring their own memories and with whom you can share the experience.

 

[Tincatinker]

My first camino was long dreamt of and long planned. And when opportunity finally came it was in the year that two good friends passed, one in expectance one with surprise. On the Eurostar platform my plans blew away. Panic, self-doubt and the weight of those losses buckled my knees. Somewhere in the Spring mud of Navarra, off track, unfocussed and lost I realised that I was walking for a purpose and with reason. Just not any purpose or reason that I had presupposed. And so I carried my two friends to the Cruz de Ferro and there I laid them down.

You have burdens to carry and Santiago is a good place to take them. @Lee Lauder my condolences for your loss; I wish your Mother buen camino. I wish you buen camino.

 

[nycwalking]

Go.

Let Santiago and journey to him heal you.

Buen camino.

 

[uscaminodude]

4 years ago, my brother passed away about a month before my previously scheduled camino. . I went forward as planned. It was very healing for me and I never regretted the decision. Buen Camino. Maybe I will see you on the Frances my wife and start in SJPDP around April 1.

 

[Kitsambler]

I'm sorry for your loss.

My mother passed three months before my previously arranged start from Le Puy, my first year walking. Walking was the healthiest thing for me - very useful for processing some of the associated emotions. Go, and take a journal. You'll return changed.

 

[David]

Lee - that is an honest and open post.
Loss is so very hard, especially if it is the first one that you have experienced. We all feel for you, but, like you, we all live on - and that is what you must do too - imagine what she would say if you didn't!!

You have entered an interesting and rare space, an interlude - you say that you feel "almost disengaged/disenchanted" but Lee! That is a marvellous internal space to inhabit for Camino.
I can see that you are a Camino veteran, have done at least three Caminos - and from your "haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances" it is fairly certain that you are a serious planner, and if you are a planner then your habit has been to inhabit this solid 3D world more than the other that co-exists with us, that other deeper greater realm that is just as real ....

But Lee - because of the cessation of that planning and mileage mind that you feel this could be the most important and life-changing Camino you ever undertake - (I am not saying that it will be!)
- but, this one will certainly be different; if you are disengaged, disenchanted, maybe, just maybe, you will flow along without all your planning and recording of distances and in coming to terms with your loss, with your memories, with hopefully realisations of how this universe, this life, and your part in it actually really works - you just may have the most extraordinary Camino -
All I would say is to leave your mind as it is, to be not afraid .. do not over-plan this one .. just flow, stop when it is right, move when it is right, switch all your electronics off, stop writing distances into your journal and booking ahead .. be silent, speak to others, surrender to tears, drink until laughter, feel guilty the next day - but, Lee, Live.

Lee, this may be no help at the moment, maybe it will be in the future ... but .. nothing dies ... life withdraws and the vacated body dies, which is not the same. It is more like we are life itself experiencing this human life in some sort of body suit, a spacesuit if you will ... nothing dies, no one dies, they only withdraw. I have written this before and repeat it again for you - think of it as your Mum falling up out of her broken body and into the arms of angels.
Whether you are 'religious' or not is unimportant but .. maybe, on your Camino, visit every church that you can and light a candle for your mother .. pray for her, offer her to that benevolent love, and offer thanks for her in what she did for you and thanks that you, because of her, are what you are and where you are.

In essence, Lee, take this opportunity, in this slightly dissociated grief state to delve into Camino, to surrender to each and every moment, and to give thanks - because, All is Well Lee, all is well. And if you do find it too difficult, if the sorrow is too much .. the answer is utterly simple .. help others, focus to help others; look at every pilgrim you meet, the lonely, the hurt, and help them - kind word, shared meal, bathing feet, first aid, a gentle shoulder ... if you help others your sorrow will heal, it is how it is, one of the great secrets of the world.

Buen Camino Lee - and will you come back on here after your Camino and let all of us know how it went?

I hope so.

 

[Lee Jackson]

Hello all, thank you so much for responding and sharing your stories and encouragement. This forum is like a camino sometimes in that you receive encouragement and strength from the other traveling the way at a point in your journey when help is needed.

 

[JamesVT]

My first camino was long dreamt of and long planned. And when opportunity finally came it was in the year that two good friends passed, one in expectance one with surprise. On the Eurostar platform my plans blew away. Panic, self-doubt and the weight of those losses buckled my knees. Somewhere in the Spring mud of Navarra, off track, unfocussed and lost I realised that I was walking for a purpose and with reason. Just not any purpose or reason that I had presupposed. And so I carried my two friends to the Cruz de Ferro and there I laid them down.

You have burdens to carry and Santiago is a good place to take them. @Lee Lauder my condolences for your loss; I wish your Mother buen camino. I wish you buen camino.

Such kind, thoughtful words, and blessings for Lee as she begins to heal.

 

[JamesVT]

Lee - that is an honest and open post.
Loss is so very hard, especially if it is the first one that you have experienced. We all feel for you, but, like you, we all live on - and that is what you must do too - imagine what she would say if you didn't!!

You have entered an interesting and rare space, an interlude - you say that you feel "almost disengaged/disenchanted" but Lee! That is a marvellous internal space to inhabit for Camino.
I can see that you are a Camino veteran, have done at least three Caminos - and from your "haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances" it is fairly certain that you are a serious planner, and if you are a planner then your habit has been to inhabit this solid 3D world more than the other that co-exists with us, that other deeper greater realm that is just as real ....

But Lee - because of the cessation of that planning and mileage mind that you feel this could be the most important and life-changing Camino you ever undertake - (I am not saying that it will be!)
- but, this one will certainly be different; if you are disengaged, disenchanted, maybe, just maybe, you will flow along without all your planning and recording of distances and in coming to terms with your loss, with your memories, with hopefully realisations of how this universe, this life, and your part in it actually really works - you just may have the most extraordinary Camino -
All I would say is to leave your mind as it is, to be not afraid .. do not over-plan this one .. just flow, stop when it is right, move when it is right, switch all your electronics off, stop writing distances into your journal and booking ahead .. be silent, speak to others, surrender to tears, drink until laughter, feel guilty the next day - but, Lee, Live.

Lee, this may be no help at the moment, maybe it will be in the future ... but .. nothing dies ... life withdraws and the vacated body dies, which is not the same. It is more like we are life itself experiencing this human life in some sort of body suit, a spacesuit if you will ... nothing dies, no one dies, they only withdraw. I have written this before and repeat it again for you - think of it as your Mum falling up out of her broken body and into the arms of angels.
Whether you are 'religious' or not is unimportant but .. maybe, on your Camino, visit every church that you can and light a candle for your mother .. pray for her, offer her to that benevolent love, and offer thanks for her in what she did for you and thanks that you, because of her, are what you are and where you are.

In essence, Lee, take this opportunity, in this slightly dissociated grief state to delve into Camino, to surrender to each and every moment, and to give thanks - because, All is Well Lee, all is well. And if you do find it too difficult, if the sorrow is too much .. the answer is utterly simple .. help others, focus to help others; look at every pilgrim you meet, the lonely, the hurt, and help them - kind word, shared meal, bathing feet, first aid, a gentle shoulder ... if you help others your sorrow will heal, it is how it is, one of the great secrets of the world.

Buen Camino Lee - and will you come back on here after your Camino and let all of us know how it went?

I hope so.

Beautifully written thoughts on life and compassion.

 

[alexwalker]

Couldn't have said it better than @Tincatinker and @David

 

[Pam Scott]

I am heading out for my next Camino soon , leaving home April 2, and am finding my self in a strange state of mind. I have been planning since early last year to walk the Via Podensis and maybe continue on the Frances but i lost my mother in early January and since then haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances and feel almost disengaged/disenchanted. I feel like i should still go ( plane tickets were booked prior to her passing) but just dont know if my state of mind will make it too hard.
Has anyone else encountered this? Where mental state affects physical ability.
[/QUOT

I am heading out for my next Camino soon , leaving home April 2, and am finding my self in a strange state of mind. I have been planning since early last year to walk the Via Podensis and maybe continue on the Frances but i lost my mother in early January and since then haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances and feel almost disengaged/disenchanted. I feel like i should still go ( plane tickets were booked prior to her passing) but just dont know if my state of mind will make it too hard.
Has anyone else encountered this? Where mental state affects physical ability.

My condolences Lee, a difficult time for you. I planned to walk the Norte last June and started planning for it the previous year, all very keyed up and ready to go. In the January I suffered a form of Amnesia and naturally afterwards I was very concerned it might happen again, even though I was assured the chances of it happening was very remote. Like you I lost all enthusiasm and like you I was not sure if I was up to it. When I first set out I felt very vulnerable but within a day I met some wonderful Pilgrims who took great care of me and I didn't walk on my own once. It was if someone was watching over me, or perhaps I just looked vulnerable and they knew I needed company. So please go. Your mother I sure would want you to and I'm sure she will walk with you.
Buen Camino x

 

[t2andreo]

As I could not say it better than has already been done, I shall not try. My only two cents is to go for it.

When you arrive at the Pilgrim Office ask for your Compostela to be annotated "In Vicare Pro - your mother's name." This means, in Latin, that you accomplished your Camino for her, or in her place. Trust me, it means a lot. Maybe not now...but it will make perfect sense when they give it to you so annotated...

Hope this helps.

 

[cathn]

I am heading out for my next Camino soon , leaving home April 2, and am finding my self in a strange state of mind. I have been planning since early last year to walk the Via Podensis and maybe continue on the Frances but i lost my mother in early January and since then haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances and feel almost disengaged/disenchanted. I feel like i should still go ( plane tickets were booked prior to her passing) but just dont know if my state of mind will make it too hard.
Has anyone else encountered this? Where mental state affects physical ability.

I waked the Camino Frances six months after my husband died.
We had waked it together three years previously and of course there were many emotional moments but also very happy memories.
You will find that the peace you experience will help to clear the mind of those things that don’t count.
You will be able to cherish all the good times you had with your mother.
I wish you well. Buen Camino

 

[Stefystar]

Hi walked my first Camino at age 60yrs old, never walked long does stance before , let alone considered walking as a hobby.
My mum died in 2014, and in my head as I was trying to make sense of her loss, it seems I needed to do something out of my comfort zone, in her memory.
And the Camino pilgrimage idea manifested in many occasions, in films, in books in talks and so on ..
I could not believe how many coincidences would flow towards me.
So 3 months after her death I just stood up and said loudly..."I am coming, I am doing this pilgrimage".
No one else in the room.. just me ..
I have embraced the pilgrimage and I found it healed much more than just loss... It gave me courage, love and compassion.. it opened a door to a me I had not known before.
Just do it .. and open your heart to the healing that will come your way.. I send you blessing and my best wishes.

 

[Lee Jackson]

As I could not say it better than has already been done, I shall not try. My only two cents is to go for it.

When you arrive at the Pilgrim Office ask for your Compostela to be annotated "In Vicare Pro - your mother's name." This means, in Latin, that you accomplished your Camino for her, or in her place. Trust me, it means a lot. Maybe not now...but it will make perfect sense when they give it to you so annotated...

Hope this helps.

I really like the idea of having her name on the Compostela, i did not know it was an option and it feel right to honour her that way. thank you for the suggestion

 

[Maria Jo]

Lee - that is an honest and open post.
Loss is so very hard, especially if it is the first one that you have experienced. We all feel for you, but, like you, we all live on - and that is what you must do too - imagine what she would say if you didn't!!

You have entered an interesting and rare space, an interlude - you say that you feel "almost disengaged/disenchanted" but Lee! That is a marvellous internal space to inhabit for Camino.
I can see that you are a Camino veteran, have done at least three Caminos - and from your "haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances" it is fairly certain that you are a serious planner, and if you are a planner then your habit has been to inhabit this solid 3D world more than the other that co-exists with us, that other deeper greater realm that is just as real ....

But Lee - because of the cessation of that planning and mileage mind that you feel this could be the most important and life-changing Camino you ever undertake - (I am not saying that it will be!)
- but, this one will certainly be different; if you are disengaged, disenchanted, maybe, just maybe, you will flow along without all your planning and recording of distances and in coming to terms with your loss, with your memories, with hopefully realisations of how this universe, this life, and your part in it actually really works - you just may have the most extraordinary Camino -
All I would say is to leave your mind as it is, to be not afraid .. do not over-plan this one .. just flow, stop when it is right, move when it is right, switch all your electronics off, stop writing distances into your journal and booking ahead .. be silent, speak to others, surrender to tears, drink until laughter, feel guilty the next day - but, Lee, Live.

Lee, this may be no help at the moment, maybe it will be in the future ... but .. nothing dies ... life withdraws and the vacated body dies, which is not the same. It is more like we are life itself experiencing this human life in some sort of body suit, a spacesuit if you will ... nothing dies, no one dies, they only withdraw. I have written this before and repeat it again for you - think of it as your Mum falling up out of her broken body and into the arms of angels.
Whether you are 'religious' or not is unimportant but .. maybe, on your Camino, visit every church that you can and light a candle for your mother .. pray for her, offer her to that benevolent love, and offer thanks for her in what she did for you and thanks that you, because of her, are what you are and where you are.

In essence, Lee, take this opportunity, in this slightly dissociated grief state to delve into Camino, to surrender to each and every moment, and to give thanks - because, All is Well Lee, all is well. And if you do find it too difficult, if the sorrow is too much .. the answer is utterly simple .. help others, focus to help others; look at every pilgrim you meet, the lonely, the hurt, and help them - kind word, shared meal, bathing feet, first aid, a gentle shoulder ... if you help others your sorrow will heal, it is how it is, one of the great secrets of the world.

Buen Camino Lee - and will you come back on here after your Camino and let all of us know how it went?

I hope so.

Your words are so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you

 

[Awakekiwi]

During my walk my grandmother passed away back home and so I ended up watching the funeral on the top bunk of my bed on my phone (not live due to time difference) and it was very helping to be on the Camino at the time.. I did almost no planning on that Camino.. no booking ahead ... Just basic planning on how far I might get each day.. and had the most amazing experiences of gratitude, generosity and coincidences.. always had somewhere to sleep somehow it always worked out. Just go for it!

 

[Lee Jackson]

I am heading out for my next Camino soon , leaving home April 2, and am finding my self in a strange state of mind. I have been planning since early last year to walk the Via Podensis and maybe continue on the Frances but i lost my mother in early January and since then haven’t felt like doing my usual planning and plotting of distances and feel almost disengaged/disenchanted. I feel like i should still go ( plane tickets were booked prior to her passing) but just dont know if my state of mind will make it too hard.
Has anyone else encountered this? Where mental state affects physical ability.

Hello all, just wanted to say thanks again for all the kind comments and encouragement. I began as planned in Le Puy and ended up walking a total of 35 days on the Camino, less then I had originally planned but had some problems along the way. I now have a Compostela in memory of my mom and a lighter feeling in my heart of her passing.

 

[Marbe2]

Hello all, just wanted to say thanks again for all the kind comments and encouragement. I began as planned in Le Puy and ended up walking a total of 35 days on the Camino, less then I had originally planned but had some problems along the way. I now have a Compostela in memory of my mom and a lighter feeling in my heart of her passing.

Lee! Thank you very much for letting us know you arrived safely and are feeling a little less burdened! Grieving the loss of a parent, as I am sure you know, is an ongoing process...for me it was like losing a part of my identity. Continue to take care of yourself..it is really important after such a loss. Everyone deals with such a loss in their own way and time. Take good care of yourself by eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, and taking time to grieve and rest. It is important to be kind and patient with yourself . Although grieving is a personal journey, continue to reach out as you are not alone in the process. Reaching out to this forum, and others, can be therapeutic and help others as well! I lost my mom 20 years ago..but your post triggered unfinished grieving for me! Thank You! Buen Camino

 

[Camino Chrissy]

I lost both parents just ten days apart after having lived just one mile from them for a number of years. The loss was huge and I truly felt like an orphan even though I was a grown adult with my own kids. It was so difficult losing two people in this world who love you unconditionally. Time does help the emotional pain, but it took me about two years to make some significant progress.

 

[Marbe2]

I lost both parents just ten days apart after having lived just one mile from them for a number of years. The loss was huge and I truly felt like an orphan even though a grown adult. It was so difficult losing two people in this world who love you unconditionally. Time foes help the emotional pain, but it took me about two years.

Sorry for your loss Camino Chrissy. Losing them one at a time was wrenching...
Cannot begin to comprehend the loss of both of them so close together.

It is only in the past decade or two that we begin to understand how impacted adult children are when they experience the lost of mature parents.

 

[Morning Waters]

I lost my Dad in 2017 and my Mom in Jan 2019 as I was planning my Camino. They were both avid travelers and Mom encouraged me to keep my plans and go do the Camino. I was not prepared for how much I miss them. I took some of their ashes and found lovely places to scatter them, including Finesterra, where I bawled like a baby. While on my Camino, I even had a dream that I was packing my Dad up to move him to another place but he said he was going to stay with Maria. I didn't know who "Maria" was and after waking up was feeling unsettled. Later, the light bulb lit up. Duh, I am feeling "Maria" is Mother Mary. I was in Spain after all and what a comfort that dream was for me.
I found my Camino a good time to mourn my loss and to take time to pray for my parents and other family and friends.

 

[Camino Chrissy]

I lost my sister who was two years older than me last August. We were very close and forum members offered so many kind words to me after explaining why I had taken a break from my "daily dose" of engaging on the forum ...so many great people here!