My Camino: An escape, from my mind

[ilovelife]

A couple of my favourite movies are Into the Wild and Tracks. These true life stories depict people that were traumatized by life situations. Their need to get away from people and venture into the wildness of nature was a way to deal with their feelings of being an outcast, of not fitting in and of not knowing how to fit in. I relate to the characters depicted in these movies.

I feel that my drive to do the Camino as a pilgrim, is because of my constant mental anguish. Mental anguish revolving around never quite feeling I fit in with people, friends, family, society and culture.

I hate feeling so alone in life but constantly choose to do things alone as it further validates my own perceptions of not feeling important to anyone. I have struggled with depression (which is probably obvious now) my entire life and know this to be the main reason for feeling the way I do.

A real fear I have is feeling depressed during my Camino. It's bound to happen. Over the span of at least a month, if not more, I'm bound to have boughts of depression. Being in another country should give me a sense of joy and happiness I haven't felt before. If I don't have that feeling I fear that the Camino will turn into an unrelenting chore instead of an enlightening experience.

In essence what I am sharing is my hope that my Camino will heal my depression. An unscientific and unrealistic hope to be sure. But still, a hope.

Does anybody else feel similar to what I have shared? If anyone is brave enough to share their wisdom and guidance I would appreciate it very much.

Please and thank you.
Antonio.

 

[alexwalker]

I understand what you are saying.

In 2009, I had a few issues myself (death of my beloved older brother, forced retirement, feeling alone in the entire world, etc.). But one day out on the Camino, while pausing, sitting on a rock, I looked up and saw this above me:



It was a REAL wakeup call: I suddenly understood that I should simply X out all worries and previous struggles and simply move on in live. From that on, I had a terrific and meaningful, joyous Camino. Life is good now.

And you cannot escape your mind: You must educate it! The Camino may be the Way (!) for you to do just that.

I would have liked to walk with you for a couple of days, but you will do fine, and meet new friends, all by yourself, to brighten up your newfound life. I hope and believe so.
Buen Camino!

 

[StuartM]

I went on the Camino the day after my marriage ended. I too had suffered with the Black Dog for a long time and was pretty well depressed when I set out, to the point that I had contemplated suicide. Going on the Camino was an alternative to my other choice, spending time living on a beach somewhere, drinking whisky and engaging in what would ultimately have been very destructive behaviour. Instead I chose the Camino.

I think it was my third day, leaving Molinaseca in the dark, very early, completely alone in the whole world. Dogs were barking from every house I passed as I left town, it was horrible. I felt like a total and utter outcast.

It took time but the Camino changed me as I went. The best tips I can give you are, in no particular order:

- have no expectations. Just go. Just do it. Just walk. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't have aims. Don't set yourself up to be let down when it doesn't meet your assumptions.

- talk to everyone. No matter how alone you think you are, no matter what fear of rejection you have. No-one will reject you. People may make it clear they aren't in the mood to talk but that is a statement about their mood at that moment, not about you. On my first day I met a woman who was almost rude, later we became very good friends. It turned out she was struggling with the cold and the mountains and did not want company. The vast majority of people will be happy to at least pass a "buen camino", most will want to pass a mile or two. Some will become very good friends if you allow. And it will only happen if you approach people AND allow friendship.

- be honest. Don't skirt around whatever issues you have, don't make stuff up to cover up why you're walking or because you're embarassed about your real story. The people who will become your friends will appreciate it.

- just walk. Go with it. For the first few days your mind will be a rambling mess if you set off with issues. Stick with it because you just can't "do" your problems 24/7. A while after you are into it you'll notice your negative thoughts start becoming less frequent. Eventually you reach a point where you are just walking, there are no thoughts other than your experience of being there in the moment. I suspect this is what is meant by "zen".

- be part of it. You are on an amazing adventure that few people get to experience. Immerse yourself in it. The Camino will not let you be a bystander.

- when you get to Santiago, celebrate!

- when you leave Santiago keep the momentum going

- keep a journal. Put every step, every thought, every event in it. Read it back on the way home. You WILL see a change.

I was a total and utter mess when I set off. The Camino saved me. That is no exagerration.

Good luck,

Stuart

 

[alexwalker]

Stuart,
Broken marriage was part of my equation also... Women...
You give wise and perfect advice!

 

[pilgrim b]

Absolutely brilliant Stuart not a word wasted in your advice especially : have no expectations. Just go. Just do it. Just walk. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't have aims. Don't set yourself up to be let down when it doesn't meet your assumptions.and so on ……………. wonderful the Camino always provides.
Antonio you are making friends already with your open heart .
Buen Comino pilgrim

 

[lynnejohn]

I went on the Camino the day after my marriage ended. I too had suffered with the Black Dog for a long time and was pretty well depressed when I set out, to the point that I had contemplated suicide. Going on the Camino was an alternative to my other choice, spending time living on a beach somewhere, drinking whisky and engaging in what would ultimately have been very destructive behaviour. Instead I chose the Camino.

I think it was my third day, leaving Molinaseca in the dark, very early, completely alone in the whole world. Dogs were barking from every house I passed as I left town, it was horrible. I felt like a total and utter outcast.

It took time but the Camino changed me as I went. The best tips I can give you are, in no particular order:

- have no expectations. Just go. Just do it. Just walk. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't have aims. Don't set yourself up to be let down when it doesn't meet your assumptions.

- talk to everyone. No matter how alone you think you are, no matter what fear of rejection you have. No-one will reject you. People may make it clear they aren't in the mood to talk but that is a statement about their mood at that moment, not about you. On my first day I met a woman who was almost rude, later we became very good friends. It turned out she was struggling with the cold and the mountains and did not want company. The vast majority of people will be happy to at least pass a "buen camino", most will want to pass a mile or two. Some will become very good friends if you allow. And it will only happen if you approach people AND allow friendship.

- be honest. Don't skirt around whatever issues you have, don't make stuff up to cover up why you're walking or because you're embarassed about your real story. The people who will become your friends will appreciate it.

- just walk. Go with it. For the first few days your mind will be a rambling mess if you set off with issues. Stick with it because you just can't "do" your problems 24/7. A while after you are into it you'll notice your negative thoughts start becoming less frequent. Eventually you reach a point where you are just walking, there are no thoughts other than your experience of being there in the moment. I suspect this is what is meant by "zen".

- be part of it. You are on an amazing adventure that few people get to experience. Immerse yourself in it. The Camino will not let you be a bystander.

- when you get to Santiago, celebrate!

- when you leave Santiago keep the momentum going

- keep a journal. Put every step, every thought, every event in it. Read it back on the way home. You WILL see a change.

I was a total and utter mess when I set off. The Camino saved me. That is no exagerration.

Good luck,

Stuart

That's an inspiring testimony to the Camino, Stuart. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[alexwalker]

Antonio you are making friends already with your open heart .
Buen Comino pilgrim

How beautifully put: I hope Antonio is already starting to see what a good life he's heading at.

 

[StuartM]

That's an inspiring testimony to the Camino, Stuart. Thank you for sharing it.

I loved the Camino but what I am most grateful for is the random colkection of people sent my way. That was the real life saver. The people on the road are where the Camino's magic is. Talking and listening to real people beat the hell out of any therapy.

Antonio, I really mean it, good luck with your walk.

 

[pilgrim b]

How beautifully put: I hope Antonio is already starting to see what a good life he's heading at.

Antonio as you walk, those thoughts will come at first you are wise to realise that, but just let them pass by concentrating on your breathing and let your feet just gently touch/kiss the earth as you walk this ilovelife.

 

[RestlessRick]

I hear ya ilovelife. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed but sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I appreciate my solitude but other times I definitely don't like feeling alone either. However I've heard that one is never truly alone on the Camino and I do hope I make some friends on it. That's one of the reasons why I'm looking forward to it.

My plan - if it can be called that as I don't know where I'm going to start exactly - is just to not have too many expectations and let things come as they go. I want to lose all sense of control and thus not worry about needing control. People tell me I worry too much and I agree (maybe not the "too much" bit ) so I'm also looking to escape from my mind a bit. I don't know how much I'll have changed once it's done but I'll just have to see I guess.

I also love Into the Wild but there are things in it that make it hard to watch for me. Haven't seen Tracks yet.

 

[alexwalker]

---I'm also looking to escape from my mind a bit.

You cannot. Educate it in stead. Place yourself in the driver's seat. You will reap great rewards.

 

[Phillypilgrim]

Hi Antonio. We do take who we are now to the Camino, and maybe even walk it as we live. So yes, you may get depressed over a 30 plus day walk. I found I developed a relationship with the Camino. Over the 41 days I walked, this relationship shifted many times. I felt so happy, then the novelty wore off and it did feel "like a chore", then I looked forward to waking up in my own bed ("there's no place like home"), then I fully surrendered and could not believe I had felt the earlier feelings. It is not just ONE THING, it changes. All I can say is expect nothing and know the Camino has a life of it's own and a rhythm of it's own too. Just let it unfold. BTW, I love that you call yourself "ilovelife".

 

[ilovelife]

Thanks to everyone for sharing your insights. I've started to take a different approach with dealing with my depression. Aside from therapy which is helpful I have been more honest with people in sharing with them my mental struggle. In taking a risk by making myself vulnerable instead of keeping it all to myself, I hope that me expressing my self and my feelings helps in some sort of healing process.

I understand that having expectations may lead to disappointments. That being said I do have an expectation of coming home from the camino a different person. Somehow, a person who has figured out my place on this planet.

If anything, I am hopeful that coming home after walking across Spain will give me a sense of confidence I haven't experiended before. I imagine I would feel content with experiencing this upon my return to my life from the Camino.

Thank you again everyone for your words of support.
Antonio.

 

[Alexster66]

Hi Antonio,

you've shown amazing courage here and I thank you for that.

I also have expectations for my upcoming Camino, even though I read here regularly that one needs to walk with as few expectations as possible.

I do believe you will return different, to what extent who knows but from what past pilgrims say it can be life altering.

Most of us are looking/searching for something (although I'm not sure most of the time what it is) and the Camino seems to offer up a very unique experience that everyday people can become a part of.

I know I've lost a lot of the old community feeling in my life and can often feel lonely even when not alone, although I do enjoy my solitude at times. There's a healing spirit that comes from this forum that I believe

transpires from having walked a/many Caminos.

Thanks for sharing your story
Alex

 

[AshaDasi]

I went on the Camino the day after my marriage ended. I too had suffered with the Black Dog for a long time and was pretty well depressed when I set out, to the point that I had contemplated suicide. Going on the Camino was an alternative to my other choice, spending time living on a beach somewhere, drinking whisky and engaging in what would ultimately have been very destructive behaviour. Instead I chose the Camino.

I think it was my third day, leaving Molinaseca in the dark, very early, completely alone in the whole world. Dogs were barking from every house I passed as I left town, it was horrible. I felt like a total and utter outcast.

It took time but the Camino changed me as I went. The best tips I can give you are, in no particular order:

- have no expectations. Just go. Just do it. Just walk. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't have aims. Don't set yourself up to be let down when it doesn't meet your assumptions.

- talk to everyone. No matter how alone you think you are, no matter what fear of rejection you have. No-one will reject you. People may make it clear they aren't in the mood to talk but that is a statement about their mood at that moment, not about you. On my first day I met a woman who was almost rude, later we became very good friends. It turned out she was struggling with the cold and the mountains and did not want company. The vast majority of people will be happy to at least pass a "buen camino", most will want to pass a mile or two. Some will become very good friends if you allow. And it will only happen if you approach people AND allow friendship.


- be honest. Don't skirt around whatever issues you have, don't make stuff up to cover up why you're walking or because you're embarassed about your real story. The people who will become your friends will appreciate it.

- just walk. Go with it. For the first few days your mind will be a rambling mess if you set off with issues. Stick with it because you just can't "do" your problems 24/7. A while after you are into it you'll notice your negative thoughts start becoming less frequent. Eventually you reach a point where you are just walking, there are no thoughts other than your experience of being there in the moment. I suspect this is what is meant by "zen".

- be part of it. You are on an amazing adventure that few people get to experience. Immerse yourself in it. The Camino will not let you be a bystander.

- when you get to Santiago, celebrate!

- when you leave Santiago keep the momentum going

- keep a journal. Put every step, every thought, every event in it. Read it back on the way home. You WILL see a change.

I was a total and utter mess when I set off. The Camino saved me. That is no exagerration.

Good luck,

Stuart

Beautifully said, Stuart.

 

[AshaDasi]

A couple of my favourite movies are Into the Wild and Tracks. These true life stories depict people that were traumatized by life situations. Their need to get away from people and venture into the wildness of nature was a way to deal with their feelings of being an outcast, of not fitting in and of not knowing how to fit in. I relate to the characters depicted in these movies.

I feel that my drive to do the Camino as a pilgrim, is because of my constant mental anguish. Mental anguish revolving around never quite feeling I fit in with people, friends, family, society and culture.

I hate feeling so alone in life but constantly choose to do things alone as it further validates my own perceptions of not feeling important to anyone. I have struggled with depression (which is probably obvious now) my entire life and know this to be the main reason for feeling the way I do.

A real fear I have is feeling depressed during my Camino. It's bound to happen. Over the span of at least a month, if not more, I'm bound to have boughts of depression. Being in another country should give me a sense of joy and happiness I haven't felt before. If I don't have that feeling I fear that the Camino will turn into an unrelenting chore instead of an enlightening experience.

In essence what I am sharing is my hope that my Camino will heal my depression. An unscientific and unrealistic hope to be sure. But still, a hope.

Does anybody else feel similar to what I have shared? If anyone is brave enough to share their wisdom and guidance I would appreciate it very much.

Please and thank you.
Antonio.

I also suffered horrible depression and suicidal tendencies after my son died Antonio. I had a lot of support at home from my husband and daughter, and the camino helped me to shift into a different space. I didn't go with any expectations, though. I walked alone and enjoyed it, and in the evenings I made the effort to speak to others and socialize more than I had done in six years. What I discovered was that I needed people. For years I had felt the best thing was to cut myself off, lick my wounds in private. Solitude is good for a while because it gives us pause to reflect on our lives, but after a while, we reach a point where we realize that no man is an island. We all need each other. We have to connect at the heart level if we are going to heal. Healing cannot take place by being alone. Solitude is for reflection only, and healing comes when we reconnect. My suggestion to you Antonio is to go on the camino with no expectations, and let the camino do its work. DO, however, make a concerted effort to reach out to others. Don't wait for others to come to you, because you are so used to being alone now that you will probably give off the energy of someone who wants to be left in peace. Reach out. Introduce yourself in the evenings, ask to sit at other people's tables, chat, share your stories, listen to other people's stories. People will lift you, you will lift them. And notice how beautiful the Spanish people are on the camino, so loving, so caring. Not all are this way, but notice those who are, and take a lesson from it. I did all of this and I felt so different when I left the camino. Now, I am out of hiding and feel a need to reach out and connect so much more. Depression is usually about a deep inner change that needs to take place, one that we're actually afraid of. So, give it a try. Reach out and allow yourself to be loved. Buen Camino!

 

[StuartM]

Aside from therapy which is helpful I have been more honest with people in sharing with them my mental struggle. In taking a risk by making myself vulnerable instead of keeping it all to myself, I hope that me expressing my self and my feelings helps in some sort of healing process.

That's exactly what helped me. A long time ago I said to my ex-wife I thought I had depression, her response was "you need to sort it out on your own or I'm leaving". From then on I put on a front of normality. It ate away at me.

The first time I ever spoke about it was on the Camino and the sense of freedom was amazing. It was a slow journey but from then on I have let myself be me. I no longer cover up who I am or what I feel because I worry what others think. For the first time in years I feel like me again. It is liberating.

Your attitude sounds very familiar. Not only is it helpful to you but to everyone because it sends a message that there are no "good" or "bad" illnesses to have. I wouldn't try to hide having the flu, why should society suggest that I should hide depression?

Loss of control worsens depression. Taking control helps tremendously.

Buen camino.

 

[ChristineW67]

A couple of my favourite movies are Into the Wild and Tracks. These true life stories depict people that were traumatized by life situations. Their need to get away from people and venture into the wildness of nature was a way to deal with their feelings of being an outcast, of not fitting in and of not knowing how to fit in. I relate to the characters depicted in these movies.

I feel that my drive to do the Camino as a pilgrim, is because of my constant mental anguish. Mental anguish revolving around never quite feeling I fit in with people, friends, family, society and culture.

I hate feeling so alone in life but constantly choose to do things alone as it further validates my own perceptions of not feeling important to anyone. I have struggled with depression (which is probably obvious now) my entire life and know this to be the main reason for feeling the way I do.

A real fear I have is feeling depressed during my Camino. It's bound to happen. Over the span of at least a month, if not more, I'm bound to have boughts of depression. Being in another country should give me a sense of joy and happiness I haven't felt before. If I don't have that feeling I fear that the Camino will turn into an unrelenting chore instead of an enlightening experience.

In essence what I am sharing is my hope that my Camino will heal my depression. An unscientific and unrealistic hope to be sure. But still, a hope.

Does anybody else feel similar to what I have shared? If anyone is brave enough to share their wisdom and guidance I would appreciate it very much.

Please and thank you.
Antonio.

Hi Antonio,

I'm walking this June for similar reasons. I don't suffer depression (much), but I am agoraphobic. There are a few different brands of agoraphobia and mine is a fear of people in crowded spaces or people in not so crowded spaces. I feel safest at home or in my car. Like depression, sometimes the agoraphobia literally traps me in my home or in my car. I can't tell you how many times I've driven to the gym or grocery store and sat in the parking for an hour, trying to coach myself to go inside.

I haven't always been this way, and I won't get into the reasons why I am, because what is really important is my desire to not be agoraphobic anymore. I love people (really) and nature and exploring the world. I'm tired of being held back. I'm hoping to learn to trust again. Trust myself. Trust fellow travelers. Trust humanity. Trust God.

I haven't expressed this out loud yet, because like you, I think it sounds a little too hopeful, a little too childish, and maybe naïve. But somehow, I think its all possible. You most likely will experience depression. And I'll be afraid sometimes. But we live with this stuff now, right? Nothing can change until we change our states. I wish you love and light on your pilgrimage to a happier self.

Christine

 

[Stefania13/14]

Thanks to everyone for sharing your insights. I've started to take a different approach with dealing with my depression. Aside from therapy which is helpful I have been more honest with people in sharing with them my mental struggle. In taking a risk by making myself vulnerable instead of keeping it all to myself, I hope that me expressing my self and my feelings helps in some sort of healing process.

I understand that having expectations may lead to disappointments. That being said I do have an expectation of coming home from the camino a different person. Somehow, a person who has figured out my place on this planet.

If anything, I am hopeful that coming home after walking across Spain will give me a sense of confidence I haven't experiended before. I imagine I would feel content with experiencing this upon my return to my life from the Camino.

Thank you again everyone for your words of support.
Antonio.

Hi Antonio ; )
I loved Into The Wild too! I did find it thought provoking. I have not seen the other movie but will see if I can find it. I too have suffered from depression most of my life. I am walking my first camino beginning May 18th in SJPP. The comments by Stuart and others all seem good to me but I just want to add that Buddhists readings by Pema Chodron have been very helpful to me. I started meditating about a year ago and find this very helpful. The book I am reading right now is "When Things Fall Apart". I don't think anyone has to become Buddhist to get a lot out of her books.
Good Luck and Buen Camino!
Stefania

 

[JohnMcM]

ilovelife, alexwalker, StuartM, Alexsterr, Cheynee, ChristineW67,

Courageous honesty such as that shown in your posts above can be a rare thing for others to experience. I feel humbled and honoured that you saw fit to publicly share your thoughts and fears with all of us in this way, I thank you for your trust.

Buen Camino

 

[pilgrim b]

ilovelife, alexwalker, StuartM, Alexsterr, Cheynee, ChristineW67,

Courageous honesty such as that shown in your posts above can be a rare thing for others to experience. I feel humbled and honoured that you saw fit to publicly share your thoughts and fears with all of us in this way, I thank you for your trust.

Buen Camino

Absolutely agree JohnMcM my only hope is we also helped!

 

[lettinggo]

What a wonderful thread.
Filled with love, compassion and useful advices.
Someone said 'reach out' and I truly believe it is an advice which is very important.
If you on your walk see someone who may need help, offer it.
When you need help, ask for it.
Many people live in solitude and with a feeling of loneliness which is bad for ones self-esteem and mental condition.
All humans need company and communication.
The Caminos offers this, if ones reaches out.
As I experienced it, most I meet was connected to some core of themselves which they in their daily lives wasn't very connected with. This is part of the essence of the walk.
Reach out and someone will take your hand.

Lettinggo

 

[RestlessRick]

You cannot. Educate it in stead. Place yourself in the driver's seat. You will reap great rewards.

If I may ask: how, exactly? Or with what must it be educated?

 

[pilgrim b]

If I may ask: how, exactly? Or with what must it be educated?

As this question is posted to Alex he should probably answer it but he may not see it unless you link it to his post about

You cannot. Educate it in stead. Place yourself in the driver's seat. You will reap great rewards.

I hope this helps you make contact

 

[StuartM]

If I may ask: how, exactly? Or with what must it be educated?

CBT is a pretty effective therapy in controlling mood and outlook. It's essentially a form of re-education. Rather than an "analytical" therapy it seeks to retrain the mind into thinking in new ways.

For me, I found that I was doing that myself before I learned about it. Train your mind to work in better ways, question your own reality and learn alternatives. CBT is kind of a formalisation of what people who have learned to manage their own black dog were already doing. It is essentially education.

 

[alexwalker]

RestlessRick,
I think you know what is meant. You have your own mind, and have to live with it, but you can improve it. Walking a Camino may be a smart way to do it, and I belive that the threadstarter, or maybe others, see it.

Buen Camino!

 

[pilgrim b]

RestlessRick, StuartM said earlier in his post " first few days your mind will be a rambling mess if you set off with issues. Stick with it because you just can't "do" your problems 24/7. A while after you are into it you'll notice your negative thoughts start becoming less frequent. Eventually you reach a point where you are just walking, there are no thoughts other than your experience of being there in the moment." This is the educating of your mind to awaken your mind to be aware of this PRESENT MOMENT and live in it, experience it, and be thankful.

Buen Camino!

 

[jmcarp]

You've surely heard of the tradition of leaving a stone, which represents your burdens, at the Cruz de Ferro. This is a very powerful experience, in fact, it was the spiritual high point of my Camino. But that experience does not have to be limited to the Cruz de Ferro. There are shrines, crosses, and even kilometer markers all along the Camino where you'll see small piles of stones. One can only guess the meaning of these stones, but I suspect that many of them represent some burden that a Pilgrim has left behind. Perhaps this act could help you as you walk -- whenever you start feeling the pains of depression, or aloneness, pick up a stone. Carry that stone with you for the rest of day and contemplate what it is that weighs heavily on your mind. Transfer that burden to the stone you carry, and leave it at the next monument, shrine, or trail side cross that you come to, and go on with a refreshed spirit. There's no limit to the number of times you can do this exercise, but I suspect the need will diminish as you begin to enter the Camino spirit and lifestyle, and you experience the openness and friendship of the pilgrims you walk with. In fact, you may discover that you have walked with an angel at some point. Angels come in many guises -- they can and do vary in age and gender, race and nationality, so be open to everyone you meet. By the time you get to the Cruz de Ferro, that special stone you have brought from your home will probably feel a lot lighter and you may experience a feeling of true spiritual freedom when you leave it at the foot of the Cross of Iron.
Buen Camino,
Jim

 

[simply B]

I understand that having expectations may lead to disappointments. That being said I do have an expectation of coming home from the camino a different person. Somehow, a person who has figured out my place on this planet.

If anything, I am hopeful that coming home after walking across Spain will give me a sense of confidence I haven't experiended before. I imagine I would feel content with experiencing this upon my return to my life from the Camino.

Antonio -

After seeing the most excellent replies you have already received, I did not want to contaminate the thread but this comment moves me urgently to do so.

Please, do not especially have these expectations. They tend to "wrap one around the axle" and I speak with direct experience. I hesitate to give advice, especially in light of the foregoing excellent posts, but please allow me just an increment here.

Expect nothing. Because "expecting" means the object of attention is in the future. And, at no time are we ever in the future.

We are here now - it is in that succession of moments that we give, receive or do nothing at all.

If one does not show up for "now" then the "future" person you desire to be cannot possibly show up. Because the "product" of one's future is the result of our "work" in the now.

Do not worry about truth-telling about yourself. You are a gift to others, not a burden, as long as you tell the truth as you see it. So give.

In return, you will find that you shall receive back the gift of others.

Life is a dance, one has to develop the steps of both giving and receiving. The balance is crucial - - being able only to give and not receive may be pride, only wanting to receive and not give could be greed.

Do not over-think it. Just be where you are - mindful and attentive to the present moment.

Leave the iPod at home. It could get in your way by sending the message that you are "not open for business".

Walking is an excellent meditation. Silence is a gift to your mind.

My thoughts only. Buen Camino!

B

 

[Kelly Scherer]

Hello Antonio,
I feel your pain and I hope the Camino gives you what you need to heal. I wouldn't say I've fought depression... But for most of my life I have been broken. I have recently had the blessing of finding myself again, and am slowly glueing myself back together... Piece by piece, one day at a time. I am also afraid of the camino. But my fear is of success and happiness. I have only had a tiny taste of what it feels like to deserve to be happy, joyous, and free. All my life I felt as though I deserved to live in self hatred and self loathing... Only to find that I have been holding myself back from what has been waiting for me the whole time. Life. Truly living life. My journey to Santiago is only the beginning. I hope yours suits you the same. Buen Camino. Kelly

 

[whariwharangi]

You will not go home a different person. You are who you are. Any changes to that come from within ... it does not come from the mere fact of being somewhere else.

Sure ... you will learn from any experiences with culture and there will be growing of knowledge and wisdom.

All that the camino will do is reduce your life to its basic needs. Its a gift of time to yourself and you may profit from the introspection that being removed from the noise of your life will give. Its a mistake though to think it will be a life altering experience. You may find yourself to be more curious about the world around you and to be more satisfied with a simpler life. You may even find a greater acceptance of yourself. But be warned: there are no miracles here.

 

[StuartM]

You've surely heard of the tradition of leaving a stone, which represents your burdens, at the Cruz de Ferro. This is a very powerful experience, in fact, it was the spiritual high point of my Camino. But that experience does not have to be limited to the Cruz de Ferro. There are shrines, crosses, and even kilometer markers all along the Camino where you'll see small piles of stones. One can only guess the meaning of these stones, but I suspect that many of them represent some burden that a Pilgrim has left behind. Perhaps this act could help you as you walk -- whenever you start feeling the pains of depression, or aloneness, pick up a stone. Carry that stone with you for the rest of day and contemplate what it is that weighs heavily on your mind. Transfer that burden to the stone you carry, and leave it at the next monument, shrine, or trail side cross that you come to, and go on with a refreshed spirit. There's no limit to the number of times you can do this exercise, but I suspect the need will diminish as you begin to enter the Camino spirit and lifestyle, and you experience the openness and friendship of the pilgrims you walk with. In fact, you may discover that you have walked with an angel at some point. Angels come in many guises -- they can and do vary in age and gender, race and nationality, so be open to everyone you meet. By the time you get to the Cruz de Ferro, that special stone you have brought from your home will probably feel a lot lighter and you may experience a feeling of true spiritual freedom when you leave it at the foot of the Cross of Iron.
Buen Camino,
Jim

Just as an aside, I realised one day that each stone was someone's hope or wish. I felt a bit sad about this because there were piles on each milepost and I knew they'd never reach Santiago. So I got in the habit of picking one up and moving it down the line to the next mile post and picking a new one up. Somewhere after Portomarin I felt very attached to one stone and decided I'd take it all the way. I left it in the cathedral.

Doing this was the real end of my Camino. It felt satisfying knowing that I'd carried someone else's wish all the way to Santiago. I guess that's what we all hope for, someone else to take it further than we could on our own.

 

[ilovelife]

Antonio -

After seeing the most excellent replies you have already received, I did not want to contaminate the thread but this comment moves me urgently to do so.

Please, do not especially have these expectations. They tend to "wrap one around the axle" and I speak with direct experience. I hesitate to give advice, especially in light of the foregoing excellent posts, but please allow me just an increment here.

Expect nothing. Because "expecting" means the object of attention is in the future. And, at no time are we ever in the future.

We are here now - it is in that succession of moments that we give, receive or do nothing at all.

If one does not show up for "now" then the "future" person you desire to be cannot possibly show up. Because the "product" of one's future is the result of our "work" in the now.

Do not worry about truth-telling about yourself. You are a gift to others, not a burden, as long as you tell the truth as you see it. So give.

In return, you will find that you shall receive back the gift of others.

Life is a dance, one has to develop the steps of both giving and receiving. The balance is crucial - - being able only to give and not receive may be pride, only wanting to receive and not give could be greed.

Do not over-think it. Just be where you are - mindful and attentive to the present moment.

Leave the iPod at home. It could get in your way by sending the message that you are "not open for business".

Walking is an excellent meditation. Silence is a gift to your mind.

My thoughts only. Buen Camino!

B

I'm really appreciative of you sharing this wisdom. I will be reading and re-reading everyone's posts many times before I leave. I feel that you are right in saying that having the expectations I shared will not allow me to be in the present moment. Not being in the present moment is something that may bring on feelings of depression. Thanks again for your advice.

 

[obinjatoo]

"Have no expectations" is great advice... I might also suggest finding a way to be of service in some way every day. Don't worry, it will come to you... Whatever that is supposed to be, the Camino will provide the opportunity. Don't let the walking become too much a burden to do anything else.
Buen Camino Pilgrim

 

[puravidadarlene]

I start my walk on my 50th birthday April 4 2014, my journey started when I watch the movie "The Way". My husband was out of town and when he called me I told him our plans for 2014 had changed....I told him I didnt know why the movie had touch me the way it did and I still in my heart don't know why but I need to do the Camino and on March 30 I'm flying to Paris to start my walk April 4. I well be taking my iPad mini with me beacuse I have five children and two grandsons I'm leaving behind for two months, I couldn't survive not hearing their voices or seeing their faces. I can't wait to start my journey. Got my Forum badge in mail yesterday and backpack is packed and ready just counting down days

 

[freescot]

Your courage in posting this tread, ilovelife, is wonderful and I find the replies really moving.

 

[gapowell]

I went on the Camino the day after my marriage ended. I too had suffered with the Black Dog for a long time and was pretty well depressed when I set out, to the point that I had contemplated suicide. Going on the Camino was an alternative to my other choice, spending time living on a beach somewhere, drinking whisky and engaging in what would ultimately have been very destructive behaviour. Instead I chose the Camino.

I think it was my third day, leaving Molinaseca in the dark, very early, completely alone in the whole world. Dogs were barking from every house I passed as I left town, it was horrible. I felt like a total and utter outcast.

It took time but the Camino changed me as I went. The best tips I can give you are, in no particular order:

- have no expectations. Just go. Just do it. Just walk. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't have aims. Don't set yourself up to be let down when it doesn't meet your assumptions.

- talk to everyone. No matter how alone you think you are, no matter what fear of rejection you have. No-one will reject you. People may make it clear they aren't in the mood to talk but that is a statement about their mood at that moment, not about you. On my first day I met a woman who was almost rude, later we became very good friends. It turned out she was struggling with the cold and the mountains and did not want company. The vast majority of people will be happy to at least pass a "buen camino", most will want to pass a mile or two. Some will become very good friends if you allow. And it will only happen if you approach people AND allow friendship.

- be honest. Don't skirt around whatever issues you have, don't make stuff up to cover up why you're walking or because you're embarassed about your real story. The people who will become your friends will appreciate it.

- just walk. Go with it. For the first few days your mind will be a rambling mess if you set off with issues. Stick with it because you just can't "do" your problems 24/7. A while after you are into it you'll notice your negative thoughts start becoming less frequent. Eventually you reach a point where you are just walking, there are no thoughts other than your experience of being there in the moment. I suspect this is what is meant by "zen".

- be part of it. You are on an amazing adventure that few people get to experience. Immerse yourself in it. The Camino will not let you be a bystander.

- when you get to Santiago, celebrate!

- when you leave Santiago keep the momentum going

- keep a journal. Put every step, every thought, every event in it. Read it back on the way home. You WILL see a change.

I was a total and utter mess when I set off. The Camino saved me. That is no exagerration.

Good luck,

Stuart

What a wonderful reply...

 

[Alena]

The above said only reconfirms the fact that we should care and be kind to people, even if we barely know them. And that does not apply only to Camino. Everyone has a story, everyone is fighting their own struggles, we can possibly have no idea about.
ilovelife - I wish you courage and belief in your inner strength.

 

[t2andreo]

This thread really struck a chord with me. I can relate to everything stated above. I share many of the medical / emotional issues the others do as well. One of the profound lessons I learned on my first Camino was to just "BE." Live in the moment. Everything else will sort itself out. It really seemed to work out that way, much to my obsessive-compulsive surprise...

Try to help others. Be kind, respectful, considerate and generous when it seems indicated. Everyone helps everyone else most of the time.

Speak to everyone who desires conversation - some do not. While English seems to be the second language along the Camino you would be surprised how many people understand what you are trying to get across, in almost any European language. I even encountered one young woman last year with a small sign around her neck that said "Silent Pilgrim." The visual clue was to ward off people speaking with her. Make no judgements...

Just get up in the morning, get prepared, take care of your personal health and place one foot in front of the other. Do not let the weather affect you if it is not a sunny, prefect walking day. Remember, everyday is a blessing, especially if you consider the alternative. The day's destination will develop... What will be - will be.

Go with each day's experience. Relax. Let the Camino do it's wonderful job of healing you. Yes, one of the short platitudes you will hear often is that "the Camino provides." Well, in another, more important way for those of us who are being chased by one or more "black dogs," "the Camino Heals."

One day, I mentioned to my wife in an e-mail that the weather was gloomy and I was being pursued by a pack of black dogs. She took it literally and was very worried about me being injured by wild canines. It was not until several days later on a Face Time video chat (Apple version of Skype), that I was able to explain that I was referring to my life-long struggle with depression - yes, THOSE black dogs. In my 35-days walking from St. Jean to Santiago I experienced 26 days of total overcast (no appreciable sun). Almost all of these days had rain and or snow included. So the "gloomy" statement applies.

Anyway, the trick to doing the Camino is to just show up in a right frame of mind, and with a basic level of equipment. Take care of your feet and your overall health. The rest will sort itself out.

Also, and this is IMPORTANT for anyone who takes medication for a chronic problem, the Camino is not the time to experiment with adjusting medication dosages or trying to wean oneself off a prescription medication. Everyone is different. But, I suggest that doing something that might result in adverse side effects is not a good idea. Stick with your prescribed program of medication. The exercise component will take care of itself in the course of each day.

So, taking your medication if you need to, getting plenty of exercise daily, having positive interactions with people you meet, and taking care of your person directly seems to me to be a good recipe for a profound and satisfying experience. You WILL benefit from this pilgrimage.

I endorse everything that was offered above, and only seek to impart my small contribution to adding some value.

 

[susanawee]

I went on the Camino the day after my marriage ended. I too had suffered with the Black Dog for a long time and was pretty well depressed when I set out, to the point that I had contemplated suicide. Going on the Camino was an alternative to my other choice, spending time living on a beach somewhere, drinking whisky and engaging in what would ultimately have been very destructive behaviour. Instead I chose the Camino.

I think it was my third day, leaving Molinaseca in the dark, very early, completely alone in the whole world. Dogs were barking from every house I passed as I left town, it was horrible. I felt like a total and utter outcast.

It took time but the Camino changed me as I went. The best tips I can give you are, in no particular order:

- have no expectations. Just go. Just do it. Just walk. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't have aims. Don't set yourself up to be let down when it doesn't meet your assumptions.

- talk to everyone. No matter how alone you think you are, no matter what fear of rejection you have. No-one will reject you. People may make it clear they aren't in the mood to talk but that is a statement about their mood at that moment, not about you. On my first day I met a woman who was almost rude, later we became very good friends. It turned out she was struggling with the cold and the mountains and did not want company. The vast majority of people will be happy to at least pass a "buen camino", most will want to pass a mile or two. Some will become very good friends if you allow. And it will only happen if you approach people AND allow friendship.

- be honest. Don't skirt around whatever issues you have, don't make stuff up to cover up why you're walking or because you're embarassed about your real story. The people who will become your friends will appreciate it.

- just walk. Go with it. For the first few days your mind will be a rambling mess if you set off with issues. Stick with it because you just can't "do" your problems 24/7. A while after you are into it you'll notice your negative thoughts start becoming less frequent. Eventually you reach a point where you are just walking, there are no thoughts other than your experience of being there in the moment. I suspect this is what is meant by "zen".

- be part of it. You are on an amazing adventure that few people get to experience. Immerse yourself in it. The Camino will not let you be a bystander.

- when you get to Santiago, celebrate!

- when you leave Santiago keep the momentum going

- keep a journal. Put every step, every thought, every event in it. Read it back on the way home. You WILL see a change.

I was a total and utter mess when I set off. The Camino saved me. That is no exagerration.

Good luck,

Stuart

A really meaningful and well thought out reply, together with lots of food for thought for others of us who are struggling with all sorts of issues, be they big or small.

 

[Sue M]

Before I set out on the Camino I decided to dedicate each day to the memory of someone I loved who has died. This sounds depressing, but as I walked each day I thought about that person, who would have loved to have been alive and walking with me, and carried him or her in my heart. When it was a struggle I reflected on how lucky I was to be alive and able to walk. I shared their stories with some of the people I met and it led to all kinds of sharing. I felt very blessed. Wouldn't work for everyone, but I'm glad I did it.
Every good wish for your journeying!

 

[ilovelife]

Just received confirmation from my workplace. I have been approved for the time off I requested.

I am now officially going to Spain and doing the Camino de Santiago.

I have such a sense of purpose again. Excited to say the least.

As Bilbo Baggins says as he leaves the Shire,

"I'm going on an adventure!"

 

[alexwalker]

"I'm going on an adventure!"

You sure are. Buen Camino!

 

[pilgrim b]

I am so delighted to hear your good news ilovelife just do it no expectations remember just an adventure in the 'present moment' you will probably never forget!

Buen Camino

 

[t2andreo]

Just received confirmation from my workplace. I have been approved for the time off I requested.

I am now officially going to Spain and doing the Camino de Santiago.

I have such a sense of purpose again. Excited to say the least.

As Bilbo Baggins says as he leaves the Shire,

"I'm going on an adventure!"

So, interested forum members want to know "who, what, when, where, why, and how?" Well, we know the "why" of it. So, will you do it solo or otherwise, when do you plan to start, where might you start from, and how can we help you get the most out of this experience?

That IS what we are here for. We share with others so that they might learn, share the experience we have, and"pay it forward" to other pilgrims.

Welcome to the "club."

 

[alexwalker]

I am now officially going to Spain and doing the Camino de Santiago.

I have such a sense of purpose again. Excited to say the least.

You will understand how happy I am for you when you stand in front of that ancient cathedral. Lifechanging for people of the right stuff.

 

[ilovelife]

I am so delighted to hear your good news ilovelife just do it no expectations remember just an adventure in the 'present moment' you will probably never forget!

Buen Camino

I certainly know it will be memorable. I went to check out an equipment store in the city to try on several different backpacks and the salesperson said he sees 2-3 people a day saying they are going to do the Camino. I think it will be much more social than I am expecting but that can be a good thing too.

 

[ilovelife]

So, interested forum members want to know "who, what, when, where, why, and how?" Well, we know the "why" of it. So, will you do it solo or otherwise, when do you plan to start, where might you start from, and how can we help you get the most out of this experience?

That IS what we are here for. We share with others so that they might learn, share the experience we have, and"pay it forward" to other pilgrims.

Welcome to the "club."

I will be solo, yes. I will start end of April - probably April 29th or so. Starting from SJPDP.
I think the forum members have already helped me get the most of the experience. Now, I am just waiting, gathering my gear, and then off to enjoy every moment.

 

[ilovelife]

You will understand how happy I am for you when you stand in front of that ancient cathedral. Lifechanging for people of the right stuff.

Thanks for your kind words Alex. I'm interested in knowing what is meant by 'the right stuff'. Does this mean people of a spiritual nature about themselves? Or meaning due to the physical endurance of the trek?

 

[alexwalker]

Does this mean people of a spiritual nature about themselves?

Yes.

Just listen to your feet and body: If they ask for a break, take one. They are your most important tools for reaching Santiago. Then all will be fine, and you will arrive in good health and be able to cry in front of the cathedral, like millions have done before you.

Right, OK then: I'll give you a story aboat that: I know I've told it before, but everything sinks to the bottom in these forums, eventually, and the story can be a piece of good education for the hasty folks :

I was sitting one sunny Sunday at a bar with a cold beer after an early stop. Three men, Germans, in their 60's, came by and stopped for a short break. After a little while, one of them, a big strong sea captain (he aimed for at least 40 kms/day), rushed up the two others and told them to get ready to move on. One of them turned to me, said he was exhausted, and asked if I was going on, and I told him that no, my feet had told me to stop for the day. He chose to stop and followed me to the albergue. Two weeks later, we walked into Santiago together, where we learned that the tough sea captin had stopped walking and returned to Germany, his feet a disaster area of blisters. He never saw the cathedral in Santiago.

That was what I meant

 

[jpflavin1]

The Camino has something for everyone. That said, the something it has for you might not be what you are looking for.

It is hard to go on a journey without any expectations. It is also difficult to leave our personal baggage behind. Our daily duties and environments do not provide much of an opportunity to change.

The Camino, if we allow it, provides an environment for us to introspectively look at whatever challenges we have in life with few or no distractions.

I believe a good Philosophy, I have said this before, to carry into the Camino are the words of the great Philosopher Mick Jagger "You don't always get what you want but you find sometimes you get what you need".

Ultreya,
Joe

 

[Catarina Barreiros]

Hi Antonio,
It's impossible to know how you will feel but during one month you are certainly going to have good days and bad days, days that start good and end bad and the other way around... All in all I think that it's important to bear in mind what your motivation for doing the Camino is. I think the landscape and contact with Nature is always something that can make you feel good, as are the milestones that you keep reaching as each day goes by.
Personally I had a wonderful experience because I truly tried to open my heart to God during the Camino and the peace I felt when I arrived in Santiago was really fantastic.
I hope that everything goes alright and I think that it may also help to post in this forum during your Camino and sharing the difficulties, since there will surely always be a friendly answer form somebody that went through the same struggle and that will certainly help you!
Bon Camino

 

[capecorps]

I think everyone in Toronto is feeling a bit SAD. It’s been a long hard winter. Even today March 12, 2014, I note our city is buried under snow and it feels like minus 17C. I also note that it will be a sunny 20C in Pamplona next week. An escape from this weather would surely sooth melancholic thoughts.

Well nigh impossible to feed the black dog when resting tired limbs in a thousand year old village, healing sunshine pouring out of an impossibly blue sky, eager green buds bursting out of dry tree limbs, red, yellow, blue flowers, a glass of fine wine and a bowl of chorizo and beans ready to hand, fellow pilgrims all around ready to meet you.

PS. to forum: Last Spring was a bit grim weatherwise. Any idea what this Spring will be like?

 

[Metropolly]

PS. to forum: Last Spring was a bit grim weatherwise. Any idea what this Spring will be like?

Last spring basically never happened in Europe. It was all rain and cold, then suddenly summer for a couple of months before more rain and cold that's only just broken into a glimmer of sunshine this week. I'm no meteorologist, but I can't imagine there's any rain left. There just can't be

 

[raydercha]

Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”. I wouldn't label myself depressed because I don't fit into the mold of a sick culture. Being on the spiritual path can come with an awful lot of alienation. I would highly recommend reading timothy 3:12.

 

[t2andreo]

I will be solo, yes. I will start end of April - probably April 29th or so. Starting from SJPDP.
I think the forum members have already helped me get the most of the experience. Now, I am just waiting, gathering my gear, and then off to enjoy every moment.

We all wish you Buen Camino and look forward to seeing you along The Way.