I have lost myself

[Storyteller Matt]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

 

[Mycroft]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Sounds like there is more going on than just a camino story.

 

[Tincatinker]

There'll be little comfort, for now, in being told you are not alone. The transition from Camino to the "real" world is often bumpy. Very few "find themselves" on Camino but, boy, can it change your perception of who you are. We are not used to looking at ourselves from cranky angles.

Put "post camino blues" into the forum search engine and you'll find community, discussion and perhaps help.

Walking helps, for me. Not just a stroll down to the coffee shop but full-on three / four day hikes back inside my head again listening to nothing but the wind and the rest of the bloody planet getting on with stuff.

 

[Anamiri]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

I find the best way to 'recover' from finishing a Camino is to start planning the next. Although through this Covid period it has been somewhat difficult, given everything is so uncertain, least of all being able to return home.
Im certain that I am always my best self on the Camino, and would be there in a flash if I could.

I have made changes in my life though that are attributable to the Camino. It hasn't changed who I am , but it has made me focus more on some things and some others I have stopped altogether.
I still think about the Camino at some point every day.

There are a few things that are hard to replicate in your normal life, having to work prevents most of us from walking 20 kms a day. And the rhythm of just walking every day IS addictive .
With the responsibilities we have for spouses, pets children etc, it is hard to step out of your normal life completely.
It took me a few years to persuade my husband to walk the Camino, fortunately now that he has, he is also addicted - that makes planning the next one a lot easier as I'm not leaving him behind.
I think that it is very easy to leave your life behind when the time zones are so different. I walked with some people who contacted their bosses or spouses during the day - which for me would have cut into my head space.
The fact that I couldn't do that I think was a bonus for me.
So I have no answers for you - but be assured many people yearn for the Camino - or yearn to be the person they are whilst on Camino.

 

[Marbe2]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Hi, It sounds like you are going through a rough time right now. It is likely that you may be experiencing more than “the blues” after your camino. To know that one is unhappy and the demands of life may be unbearable, in contrast, to your camino experience is valuable insight and requires your attention. (That may indeed be the gift of your camino which may require action on your part). My suggestion to you, @Storyteller Matt is for you to continue on this journey with a professional therapist who can accompany you as you discern new directions.

 

[Phoenix]

Well, let's hope the wife doesn't read Camino forums...

 

[trecile]

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

I hear you!

One thing that you can do is to join your local chapter of American Pilgrims on the Camino, if there is one near you. If not, you can start one. That's what @pinkwadingbird and I did here in Southern Oregon. I found that I really couldn't convey what the Camino is all about to those who hadn't done it, so it's nice to have a group of pilgrims to share stories with, and also help aspiring pilgrims on their way.

 

[Canada Wanders]

In my opinion, the Camino is a journey, it is not the destination. It can teach us valuable lessons of who we are, who we want to be, and how we wish to dedicate or live our lives….but in the end the journey was a long, introspective walk. I loved every moment of it, and found a sense of peace and joy I tried to bring back in my ‘normal’ life, with varied degrees of success.
But the Camino is not our life, and we need to continue to live and love and share our lives afterwards.
I will forever consider myself changed because of it, and would go back in a heartbeat…but it only a part of my life.
Perhaps the conflict you feel, the upset is because you came back and want change, but change isn’t easy, and isn’t fast…it takes work.
Find a friend who you feel comfortable speaking with, and tell them of your journey, and where you feel you want to go from there, and listen just as you did on the Camino, with your head and your heart and your body.

 

[malingerer]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

you go again. only this time you honour those you love and leave behind. They are your springboard and are often by your side and in your heart even if not physically. I have been doing Camino since 2003 when I was only 65.
It does not matter where you are. Take a step sideways in time and Camino is with you. Walk soft and Buen Camino.

Samarkand.

 

[Laurie Sanantone]

Matt, I spent many years longing to be somewhere else: China. I was able to realize that dream. After living there for some years, I met the love of my life and happily built a new life back in the States.

But for the last 5 years or so, I‘ve been longing to be on the Camino just like I used to long to be in China. I’m planning my 4th Camino for 2022.

But just today I reflected that I can’t make the Camino my life. Yes, it can be part of my life. But now I know I must make my life a Camino. And that‘s hard! I can only try to live every day, my whole life, as a pilgrimage.

YMMV, so I wish you a Buen Camino, whatever it turns out to be.

 

[simply B]

@Storyteller Matt -

I hear you and can relate totally. Even after several Caminos, the longing to still be "there" has yet to fade even marginally.

A difference, perhaps, in our perceptions is that I came home feeling more "empty" than "lost". Time on trail allowed (encouraged?) deep self-examination. This resulted in complete dumping of a serious "library" of past thoughts, beliefs, and set perspectives. The "re-filling" phase has been slow, arduous, and often uncomfortable.

Re-engagement with the rest of the world while still maintaining some "Camino peace" was a challenge. My personal approach was/is multi-faceted.

1) I have an archive of photos readily available for when I just need a quick "fix".

2) I grabbed a notebook and started writing, day-by-day, the story of each day. No self-censoring or editing in any way. The next day, move onto the next chapter. Once the story of my Camino was complete THEN I read that story day-by-day. At this reading, there was a pad handy for making notes as some recurrent themes surfaced that warranted action.

3) I created a small unobtrusive "Camino space" to remind myself that "the Camino continues". At certain times, there might also be a scallop shell bracelet on my wrist or unobtrusive pin from the Way on my vest or jacket when the day abroad might prove to be especially challenging.

Finally, being a pilgrim does not make one better than those who have not done it. Generally preferring my own company, I intuited this rather early.

By large margin, non-pilgrims have no interest in what you walked, why you walked, or what you think you learned from the Way. If someone asks you questions about it, try to keep your answers brief and focused.

I hope that helps but feel free to PM if I have missed anything in this over-long post.

B

 

[Anamiri]

@Storyteller Matt -

I hear you and can relate totally. Even after several Caminos, the longing to still be "there" has yet to fade even marginally.

A difference, perhaps, in our perceptions is that I came home feeling more "empty" than "lost". Time on trail allowed (encouraged?) deep self-examination. This resulted in complete dumping of a serious "library" of past thoughts, beliefs, and set perspectives. The "re-filling" phase has been slow, arduous, and often uncomfortable.

Re-engagement with the rest of the world while still maintaining some "Camino peace" was a challenge. My personal approach was/is multi-faceted.

1) I have an archive of photos readily available for when I just need a quick "fix".

2) I grabbed a notebook and started writing, day-by-day, the story of each day. No self-censoring or editing in any way. The next day, move onto the next chapter. Once the story of my Camino was complete THEN I read that story day-by-day. At this reading, there was a pad handy for making notes as some recurrent themes surfaced that warranted action.

3) I created a small unobtrusive "Camino space" to remind myself that "the Camino continues". At certain times, there might also be a scallop shell bracelet on my wrist or unobtrusive pin from the Way on my vest or jacket when the day abroad might prove to be especially challenging.

Finally, being a pilgrim does not make one better than those who have not done it. Generally preferring my own company, I intuited this rather early.

By large margin, non-pilgrims have no interest in what you walked, why you walked, or what you think you learned from the Way. If someone asks you questions about it, try to keep your answers brief and focused.

I hope that helps but feel free to PM if I have missed anything in this over-long post.

B

I did that too, I literally wrote a book after my second Camino- for no-one but myself. I recorded every thing I did, saw and felt - fleshing out the Camino diary I wrote.
I still occasionally read through it, and can recall everything with such vividness.
I have also done presentations on the Camino to groups - but of course they want to know the practical stuff like what train do you catch, what shoes? how much do you carry. I send them to this forum for that.

 

[isawtman]

Maps and Databook – Florida Trail Association

Our mission is to build, maintain, protect, and promote the Florida National Scenic Trail, and a network of hiking nature scenic trails throughout the state of Florida.

floridatrail.org

You have a section of the Florida National Scenic Trail just 20 miles from your house.
Use it.

 

[VNwalking]

You say you feel lost.
And that you felt found on the camino.
If you felt that way on the camino, you can feel that anywhere. How to recover yourself off the camino is the deeper and harder pilgrimage.
But it's worth every step.

Happiness is an inside job. The camino is a doorway in - and a proximate cause of a kind of happiness - but it's not what ultimately causes deeper happiness.
The mind and heart do that.
They are powerful, and when we are completely present and centered, we are naturally content no matter what is happening or where we are.

So finding a way to access that contentment and joy anywhere is your task right now. Planning or walking another camino doesn't solve anything, it just perpetuates external seeking. Like chasing a rainbow, happiness is always a little farther away.

So reproducing the outer circumstances of the Camino that produce 'foundness' without cultivating inner presence at home is a tune-up, and a pleasant enough addiction, but it misses the deeper potential for accessing true peace of mind.

There are lots of ways to do that. @simply B describes his version. I do walking meditation.
Anything that keeps you experientially exploring the source of inner happiness will help develop resilience when things get bumpy.
And they do. A lot.
There's nothing wrong with that, just life being what it is.

Ultreia, peregrino.

 

[VNwalking]

And:

I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

Maybe you're trying to jam 10lbs of flour into a 5lb bag? You weren't enlightened on the camino, just living in the present at a humanly sustainable pace - with good people around you who were doing the same thing.

So, what can you simplify?
What busy-ness is extra?
Who are friends who resonate even though they may not be 'pilgrims'? The ones who can speak of important things, honestly?

Noticing and inclining to appreciation of the good where you are is also essential - find gratitude and life will be a whole lot more bearable.

 

[Storyteller Matt]

I find the best way to 'recover' from finishing a Camino is to start planning the next. Although through this Covid period it has been somewhat difficult, given everything is so uncertain, least of all being able to return home.
Im certain that I am always my best self on the Camino, and would be there in a flash if I could.

I have made changes in my life though that are attributable to the Camino. It hasn't changed who I am , but it has made me focus more on some things and some others I have stopped altogether.
I still think about the Camino at some point every day.

There are a few things that are hard to replicate in your normal life, having to work prevents most of us from walking 20 kms a day. And the rhythm of just walking every day IS addictive .
With the responsibilities we have for spouses, pets children etc, it is hard to step out of your normal life completely.
It took me a few years to persuade my husband to walk the Camino, fortunately now that he has, he is also addicted - that makes planning the next one a lot easier as I'm not leaving him behind.
I think that it is very easy to leave your life behind when the time zones are so different. I walked with some people who contacted their bossed or spouses during the day - which for me would have cut into my head space.
The fact that I couldn't do that I think was a bonus for me.
So I have no answers for you - but be assured many people yearn for the Camino - or yearn to be the person they are whilst on Camino.

In

Well, let's hope the wife doesn't read Camino forums...

She knows. We've been talking about it. I don't talk outside of class, and I showed her what I wrote.

 

[Storyteller Matt]

Maps and Databook – Florida Trail Association

Our mission is to build, maintain, protect, and promote the Florida National Scenic Trail, and a network of hiking nature scenic trails throughout the state of Florida.

floridatrail.org

You have a section of the Florida National Scenic Trail just 20 miles from your house.
Use it.

I have.

 

[Storyteller Matt]

I did that too, I literally wrote a book after my second Camino- for no-one but myself. I recorded every thing I did, saw and felt - fleshing out the Camino diary I wrote.
I still occasionally read through it, and can recall everything with such vividness.
I have also done presentations on the Camino to groups - but of course they want to know the practical stuff like what train do you catch, what shoes? how much do you carry. I send them to this forum for that.

One way I'm processing is my YouTube channel. I chronicled a lot on the Camino, the trials, the triumphs, the moments of joy, the meltdowns. Putting it all in an uncensored series has been good. I do videography, and I'm up to day 12. I did tell my wife that I feel a calling to shared this experience through video that almost rivals the initial calling to the Camino.

I'm not advertising the channel, though. It's public, but I'm only sending links to the Camino angels who helped me along The Way. The people who want or need to see it have found it on their own.

 

[Storyteller Matt]

@Storyteller Matt -

I hear you and can relate totally. Even after several Caminos, the longing to still be "there" has yet to fade even marginally.

A difference, perhaps, in our perceptions is that I came home feeling more "empty" than "lost". Time on trail allowed (encouraged?) deep self-examination. This resulted in complete dumping of a serious "library" of past thoughts, beliefs, and set perspectives. The "re-filling" phase has been slow, arduous, and often uncomfortable.

Re-engagement with the rest of the world while still maintaining some "Camino peace" was a challenge. My personal approach was/is multi-faceted.

1) I have an archive of photos readily available for when I just need a quick "fix".

2) I grabbed a notebook and started writing, day-by-day, the story of each day. No self-censoring or editing in any way. The next day, move onto the next chapter. Once the story of my Camino was complete THEN I read that story day-by-day. At this reading, there was a pad handy for making notes as some recurrent themes surfaced that warranted action.

3) I created a small unobtrusive "Camino space" to remind myself that "the Camino continues". At certain times, there might also be a scallop shell bracelet on my wrist or unobtrusive pin from the Way on my vest or jacket when the day abroad might prove to be especially challenging.

Finally, being a pilgrim does not make one better than those who have not done it. Generally preferring my own company, I intuited this rather early.

By large margin, non-pilgrims have no interest in what you walked, why you walked, or what you think you learned from the Way. If someone asks you questions about it, try to keep your answers brief and focused.

I hope that helps but feel free to PM if I have missed anything in this over-long post.

B

These are all awesome suggestions. As I mentioned in a comment below, I've been putting all of my video footage into a YouTube series, but I'm not broadcasting or advertising it. Mostly, I just need to go through the editing process using my videography skills. The people who need to see the videos find them on their own.

I will say, I don't feel like a better man because I've done this walk. If anything, I feel a bit deconstructed by the experience. I once saw a Camino video where the person kept identifying herself as a "humble pilgrim," and that bugged me because when people announce that they are humble, they usually are not.

But I do feel humblED, as in a man who has been reduced in stature. That has been painful because my ego has taken such a hit.... but.... I realize that it is needed.

I appreciate your sensitive and honest response. A few of the responses have been snarky, which drives home the point that the Camino doesn't necessarily make a person "better."

 

[VNwalking]

If anything, I feel a bit deconstructed by the experience

Yes.
Things will come back together again.
Just different.
So all that digesting you're doing is important, informing the way forward.

 

[natefaith]

Matt, thanks for sharing your honest, raw feelings. Many good suggestions from our members here who have struggled after going home.

If these help at all, they are here for you (and all pilgrims) to use post-Camino. The first is our post-Camino English debriefing guide, a 1-page sheet of questions that you can go through on your own time and as different questions hit you. Continuing to think and reflect on the Camino for as long as you need is important, I think!

The second is the post-Camino retreat we put together. It's not for everyone (it primarily focuses on the spiritual aspects of the journey from a Christian worldview), but it's a resource for those who would find it helpful. We designed it to be maximally helpful a few months/ years after the Camino, but you can keep it in your hopper .

 

[Aidan21]

Geez Matt, do I ever feel your pain. When I am at home I am lost and when I am on the Camino I am at peace. Go figure!! I suspect we have misplaced our inner path and our Camino experience is an invitation from life, the universe, God or whatever to search again. Maybe we will find it maybe not, I guess we are on our journey and being lost goes with the territory. There is no Google Maps for the journey of life.

Good luck to you Matt in your search.

Aidan

 

[Storyteller Matt]

Matt, thanks for sharing your honest, raw feelings. Many good suggestions from our members here who have struggled after going home.

If these help at all, they are here for you (and all pilgrims) to use post-Camino. The first is our post-Camino English debriefing guide, a 1-page sheet of questions that you can go through on your own time and as different questions hit you. Continuing to think and reflect on the Camino for as long as you need is important, I think!

The second is the post-Camino retreat we put together. It's not for everyone (it primarily focuses on the spiritual aspects of the journey from a Christian worldview), but it's a resource for those who would find it helpful. We designed it to be maximally helpful a few months/ years after the Camino, but you can keep it in your hopper .

Thank you, and I will take it into consideration. Although my spiritual life is not specifically Christian, I do respect the faith (having been raised in it).

 

[Storyteller Matt]

Geez Matt, do I ever feel your pain. When I am at home I am lost and when I am on the Camino I am at peace. Go figure!! I suspect we have misplaced our inner path and our Camino experience is an invitation from life, the universe, God or whatever to search again. Maybe we will find it maybe not, I guess we are on our journey and being lost goes with the territory. There is no Google Maps for the journey of life.

Good luck to you Matt in your search.

Aidan

My wife said something yesterday that makes sense. I will put it in quotes but paraphrase. "You've always been lost," she said. "As long as I've known you [25 years] you've been searching for something. Maybe the Camino is telling you that you will always been lost and searching and you should just embrace that."

Which kind of makes sense, because when people question me about my faith, I say my religion is ignorance. I'm not sure what the Higher Power is (and the use of the term might clue some of you in to a huge piece of my spiritual life), but when I pray I sense that God (as I understand it) wants me ignorant and curious... in other words, always seeking.

 

[gmag]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Matt, you already found it. Congratulations!.

Although it seems difficult now. It is the bewilderment of looking in the mirror and seeing a different face ... apparently.

It is the same face you see, but with different lighting, almost a movie stunt. (Perhaps instead of being a side or front lighting it is a lighting that comes from our inside ... disconcerting !, let's call it "ourselves ..." perhaps for the first time in our life.) Let the sensations settle, settle in its place. May the contradictions be pacified. That we understand "the landscape". That also comes. If on the Camino we have found a certain form of happiness, we will also find it outside of it. The Camino simply teaches us to read life. On and off the Camino.

And curiously you refer to the Meseta, the part most hated by some and loved by others, the part with an almost infinite horizon in which the chest, when breathing, fills not only with air but also with ourselves. Pure beauty without frills. Pure strength.
Just ourselves.

We, Anita and I, suffered the same experience, at the Santiago train station ... "and from now on what ...?" We ask ourselves that, looking at each other, without words. Feeling very sad.

The only difference with most of the "victims" is that after the second Camino, 21 years ago, we decided to live on the Camino, and we succeeded. On the Meseta, to be more exact, with a fun albergue. I don't know if you stopped by in October, but I don't think so, we would have talked a lot. When we did the Camino, among other things, we discovered that we had more mental and physical strength than we thought, and that we wanted to share it and offer it to others, whoever they wanted.

Now comes the logical and expected effect for those who are lucky enough to have allowed the Camino to enter them. But, like every stage of the Camino, hard but with a bed at the end of the day, it also has its very positive consequences.

Everything I wanted to tell you I have found in what VNwalking has told you in a magistal, insurmountable way. That's why I don't say much more. It would be repetitive and would not reach their level.

So be patient. Too many new things inside of you. Everything finds its place, and enriches us, us and those around us. It may take days, weeks, months ... but it comes. As on the Camino, without taking shortcuts, without skipping stages, without betraying oneself. Lentamente... paso a paso.

 

[gmag]

Ah !, Matt, you are not in the middle of a problem, but at the beginning of a solution. The problem is for those who have not discovered anything ... they have simply walked in the sun and rain with 15 kilos on their back, with blisters and tendinitis, with a neighbor who snores and enduring unbearable hospitaleros.

 

[LTfit]

You say you feel lost.
And that you felt found on the camino.
If you felt that way on the camino, you can feel that anywhere. How to recover yourself off the camino is the deeper and harder pilgrimage.
But it's worth every step.

Happiness is an inside job. The camino is a doorway in - and a proximate cause of a kind of happiness - but it's not what ultimately causes deeper happiness.
The mind and heart do that.
They are powerful, and when we are completely present and centered, we are naturally content no matter what is happening or where we are.

So finding a way to access that contentment and joy anywhere is your task right now. Planning or walking another camino doesn't solve anything, it just perpetuates external seeking. Like chasing a rainbow, happiness is always a little farther away.

So reproducing the outer circumstances of the Camino that produce 'foundness' without cultivating inner presence at home is a tune-up, and a pleasant enough addiction, but it misses the deeper potential for accessing true peace of mind.

There are lots of ways to do that. @simply B describes his version. I do walking meditation.
Anything that keeps you experientially exploring the source of inner happiness will help develop resilience when things get bumpy.
And they do. A lot.
There's nothing wrong with that, just life being what it is.

Ultreia, peregrino.

Leave it to @VNwalking to find the perfect words.

My abridged version would be:
The only way out is in.

Ultreia!

 

[El Gordo]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Matt,

I feel your words. I find I enjoy planning my next trip through the course of the year and doing the research can be as enjoyable as the hike itself. It allows me to enjoy the anticipation of my next hike or journey.

It also helps to keep in touch with Camino Amigos via WhatsApp group chats and to follow Ivar’s postings.

Stay strong and Buen Camino.

Gord currently skiing at Whistler, BC Canada .

 

[Plato]

Your honesty and capacity to face your reality is heartening and it is refreshing to see it expressed on this forum.. Whatever else continue to be true to yourself and from what you have related you seem to be metaphorically actually " back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching..." The real camino continues...

 

[good_old_shoes]

„Not all who wander are lost“ - sometimes it‘s exactly the opposite. Maybe you‘re not lost, maybe you've found something very important to you on the Camino, and you're just yearning to get it back, now that you've finally found it. That‘s only natural and very human.

But it can certainly be strange and confusing to realize that a way, far away in a foreign country, where you sleep in a different place every night, can feel like finally coming home, and that people you've never met before and who might not even speak the same language, can feel like long lost family. Not something that is easy to admit to yourself, let alone to share with others or to process, but I think there are more pilgrims than you might think who know the kind of feeling you've described, or at least something similar.

I think you've discovered something important in your life, and you're on the right way. Keep on walking. Some of us need a few more kms to "get there", wherever that might be. You've completed the Frances, but you've just started your Camino.

Ultreia, peregrino. Thank you for being so open and for sharing this.

 

[Camino Chrissy]

Matt, you are not in the middle of a problem, but at the beginning of a solution.

Love this!

 

[martin1ws]

... A few of the responses have been snarky, which drives home the point that the Camino doesn't necessarily make a person "better."

I do no not know really, but maybe the snarky responses are as important as the other ones (but English is not my mother tongue, maybe I just don't understand the details).

Here are some old post-camino-blues-links that I have in my notes:

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/post-camino-slump-anyone-else.49050/

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/dazed-or-confused-after-camino.48893/

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/coming-home-help-for-the-heartbroken.51431/

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/after-camino.49834/#post-550889

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/how-do-you-keep-the-camino-spirit-alive-in-your-heart.36243/

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/the-what-now-question-after-the-camino-a-resource.51391/

I walked on 3 Caminos so far: Somport to Finisterre Jul-Aug 2018; Munich to Lindau (Germany) Sep 2020 and Camino Primitivo Sep 2021. So I am one of the planning-the-next-camino pilgrims as well.

And in "normal" life? Well... this is complicated.
I think I have a good job... but I am still working too much...
I believe that a good part of "my" camino blues comes from feeling that ... I live in a capitalist system... and on the camino I live a different life.... so that back in normal life I feel that living in the capitalist system maximises many things, but not happiness or the "meaning of life"...
but even the hospitalero of a donativo albergue cannot escape some of the constraints of the capitalist system...

If you ask me... what were my happiest two weeks in 2021... the answer is very easy: On my Camino Primitivo....

So I will eat with my family and afterwards I will have a small walk on the 'Olympiaberg', a hill in my hometown... and like almost every time I will try not to think too much about problems or my work....but try to be in the moment while walking.

Buen Camino!

 

[koknesis]

.... This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done. ...

... perhaps the above explains...
The Camino may easily revise the scale of your values, what feels a little disturbing. Not necessary a bad thing after all. An answer to such challenge might be to envision where you want to find yourself in 10 years form now and go for it. Buen Camino!

 

[Bumpa]

In

She knows. We've been talking about it. I don't talk outside of class, and I showed her what I wrote.

Wise man!!

 

[Stellamaris]

Jean Gabin, a famous french actor was saying something like « when you are young you think that you know…when you get old you realise that you know nothing. We can wander in life being lost without knowing, that’s the case for many people, but to know that « you are lost » is already a great realisation.
From there the thing to do is
1- to accept it as a gift of consciousness
2- to accept that this realisation come with incomfort, anxiety, anguish as part of the voyage, exactly like all we can suffer sometime on the camino.
3- to trust Life, those feelings are impermanents, if you let go you will find yourself, you are already in this beautiful process.
Sometime it is as simple as to realise that you already have everything to be HAPPY.

 

[Storyteller Matt]

To all who have given sound advice, I thank you.

I think one of the few snarks on here tracked down my YouTube channel because I received my first negative video comment today, a scolding of sorts because I started in Pamplona and not SJPdP. I had my reasons, and I don't need to explain my Camino to anyone, but I always find it amusing when a not-so-humble pilgrim thinks he knows what's best for every other pilgrim.

I'm actually proud of myself for coming up with my response:

"Did you need a laxative to pass all that judgement?"

That is all. Things are better today. My wife and I spent the morning in our yard, working on our Zen garden, talking about things.

All is good. But it's nice to have a tribe of wise pilgrims (and a few judgemental ones—keep on trudging, my friends) who've done this deal once or twice.

Carry on...

 

[Ronald Boivin]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Thank you. Indeed ! You brought tears to my eyes ! I’m glad this was not in poem form because I would be bawling

 

[Bumpa]

Wise man!!

Matt. we all know, at least a portion, of what you are feeling on return from a Camino. It appears as though nothing has changed in the world which you return to. You must remember that it (they) have not experienced what you have. I feel that the Camino does not create happiness but allows us an avenue to experience the happiness in ourselves that may be buried deeply.

I have done most of five visits to Spain on my own as my wife is not interested in what she believes a Camino to be. I went through this when I was walking the Appalachian trail and she looked at me in a perplexed manner. I came to believe that she has a porcelain addiction (bathtubs, sinks, toilets). Add to that, the sleeping in a room with a number of strangers, and it is: "go and have a good time and I'll see you when you get back response"

I am constantly grateful that her response to my wishing to go, is viewed as a constructive process for both of us. I am guided by the suggestion of a man standing on the side the Appalachian. When I said that I have been gone for some considerable time and needed to get back to my home duties, his response was: "you need to consider that this may be the best three weeks of her marriage" Tonque in cheek, perhaps, but pointing towards the fact that even in the happiest of marriages, we are people who are different in many of our outlooks towards life. I make the most of the moving meditation of a Camino but am happy to be back and return to my relationships. However there is always a little bit of envy when I see couples walking together and I know they will have that experience to share afterwards.

Blending back in is normal. If this feeling is continuing at a high level for you, perhaps the suggestion above, of seeking someone to talk to, is appropiate.

Sorry for the length of this post, however your initial post seems to have opened up something for me. I hope that things settle for you in your own mind. Planning for your next Camino is therapeutic.

 

[Ronald Boivin]

To all who have given sound advice, I thank you.

I think one of the few snarks on here tracked down my YouTube channel because I received my first negative video comment today, a scolding of sorts because I started in Pamplona and not SJPdP. I had my reasons, and I don't need to explain my Camino to anyone, but I always find it amusing when a not-so-humble pilgrim thinks he knows what's best for every other pilgrim.

I'm actually proud of myself for coming up with my response:

"Did you need a laxative to pass all that judgement?"

That is all. Things are better today. My wife and I spent the morning in our yard, working on our Zen garden, talking about things.

All is good. But it's nice to have a tribe of wise pilgrims (and a few judgemental ones—keep on trudging, my friends) who've done this deal once or twice.

Carry on...

I deeply share your existential Camino-angst. May I respectfully suggest : plan another Camino.
I am doing this. It’s keeping me sane.

 

[Camino Chrissy]

That is all. Things are better today. My wife and I spent the morning in our yard, working on our Zen garden, talking about things.

All is good.

Matt, it sounds as if you are doing much better emotionally today. I am reminded of the psalm that says, "weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning".

 

[Bernie Brunino]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

I did my first Camino in 2017. I was told before I did this Camino about “post Camino blues”. In fact, I met a lady at the Santiago train station the day after I finished this Camino, that I would go through a period of feeling blue - and everyone was right. I felt a lot like how you described your current state. But, it does get better. I now try a dozen one Camino each year and have actually got my wife interested to the point where she although she hasn’t done a full Camino yet but she comes out to meet me and we walk together for a week or so. We have planned one for next year and the plan is we complete this one together. So, you now have a membership in the post Camino blues club. But don’t despair - it is quite common. I will also tell you that I have gone through this “blues” stage after each Camino I’ve done. The nice thing is that the “recovery” period has become shorter and shorter. I’d be happy to let you in on how I cope through these periods if you want to DM me.

 

[PenaV58]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Hey, Matt

Here are some of the Finnish poet's thoughts on traveling.

"Those who come by the straightest way arrive with empty pockets.
Those who have fallen on all paths will come in the most glittering
eyes, knees broken, strange fruit fragile in his sack.
So that my friend is, so it is that without getting lost you won't find it."

Finnish poet Tommy Tabermann

Nice Caminos in the future for you
BR. PenaV58

 

[cathietherese]

Dear Matt
Thank you for your honest reflection on the ongoing transition of your reintegration post Camino.

While it’s tough now, take heart that the process will be fluid and ever changing, even when feeling stuck. It’s a helluva paradox for many of us pilgrims. Ten years on from my first Camino it’s still working on me in ways that I am not always consciously aware of, others I’mpainfully so.

Are you a reader?

There is a contemporary writer, Martin Shaw who may speak to you in terms of participating with (broadly speaking) a pilgrim’s sensibility whereever you are placed. His book ‘Scatterlings’ recently featured in the Guardian as one of the top ten books on human consciousness.


Shaw draws, like so many others on humble and deeply relational ways of being. ‘New’ monasticism works for others but look broadly, hold close to the humility you mention. (Turns out neoliberalism framed it incorrectly ).

We are all in a time of flux from the pandemic, climate crisis etc. For example, Shaw and others he works with refer to ‘Apocalypse’s true meaning, scales falling from eyes’ This process be it spiritual, religious, agnostic or otherwise is uncomfortable and the Camino mantra ‘not alone’ has potency for all in this moment.

None of this may speak to you in this moment, yet I reach nonetheless through forum as a virtual bond of solidarity. Pilgrim to pilgrim.
.
Let judgement go from our packs and the timeless padding of humility, compassion (for yourself, as well as others) form your staff until the road clears/reveals/dips up and down again and may baby stepping get you and all us pilgrims through.

Ultreia!

 

[tpmchugh]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Go back, it's the only answer but in the meantime go on YouTube and watch other people's caminos while trying to spot familiar places and immerse yourself in other people's books. Then do as I did, write your own book. It's a great way to relive your camino

 

[Rex]

Ah !, Matt, you are not in the middle of a problem, but at the beginning of a solution. The problem is for those who have not discovered anything ... they have simply walked in the sun and rain with 15 kilos on their back, with blisters and tendinitis, with a neighbor who snores and enduring unbearable hospitaleros.

15 Kilos?... whoa, that's a real load. But I digress... in admiration!

 

[hel&scott]

My wife said something yesterday that makes sense. I will put it in quotes but paraphrase. "You've always been lost," she said. "As long as I've known you [25 years] you've been searching for something. Maybe the Camino is telling you that you will always been lost and searching and you should just embrace that."

Your wife is a gem, it's a rare thing to have someone in our lives that knows us better then ourselves, treasure it.

The Camino can appeare to be a path to enlightenment which suddenly lights up a sense of meaning and purpose we thought we were missing. But really it's just a long and indulgent walk where we get to leave our normal lives behind and drift into a world of blisters and bed bugs where we focus on the challenges involved in keeping one foot ahead of another. At times we can take flights of fancy about changing our lives and finding ourselves. We think this is the power of the Camino, but really it's just our inner needs finding a way to surface.

Some of us suffer from an irrational desire to return to the road and regain the feelings we experience on the way, this is Camino fever and you have found its recovery ward here on the forum. But as you have discovered you can equally find enlightenment and understanding while weeding the garden at home.

 

[Dani7]

You seem to me to be grounded and on a path of discovery. All the things you are doing, especially talking about how you feel, are guiding you well on this journey of self discovery. I have a very busy professional and personal life with many demands of my time and I believe that my longing for my first Camino is partially driven by this. My whole life has been so busy with little time for introspection or myself. Maybe, like you, the time to just “be” with no demands but the daily routine of the Camino will prove to be quite challenging returning to my life back home. I really appreciate your honesty and reaching out to this community as the posts have given me much to think about and tools to process my own experience when comes my time.

Thank you for sharing

 

[C clearly]

Here are some old post-camino-blues-links that I have in my notes:

Thanks for these links. I have tagged them all (and this thread) with "mental challenge." That tag collects a variety of threads related to the mental challenges that people struggle with before during and after their Caminos.

 

[Rex]

The post-Camino blues hit every time I do a trek, be it Japan, CF or CP... all the wise words in the previous posts seem to be summarized in: keep searching and keep planning the next Camino.
My wife and I, due health differences, cultural differences in our upbringing, and differences in personality/psyches, have taken widely divergent spritual paths, even though we both still attend the same religious/cultural organization, largely for community reasons. We have chosen different paths to worship, to enter our internal chapels/cathedrals, and to explore our individual worlds.
I too, was "lost" for a period after my first Camino, now ten years in the past. Working through what each of us gained from my three week absence was instructive, if not exactly smooth sailing. We chose to honor each other's path, even if that involves occasional conflict (largely due to my own issues of wanting to be on "the trail" a lot more often than is physically possible).
We have devised a way my wife can join me for a week at a time, circumscribed by her physical limits, but a way that allows her to experience a small piece of what being on Camino means to me. This has been a gift, and I willingly sacrifice a few days of solitude for the chance to let her experience what these "excursions" mean for me.
Hang in there and think about bringing your partner along, even for a short stretch, just to give her a taste of your experience. Once I let go of trying to get my wife to see this as I see it, and just settled for her having a better understanding of why I do it, things have proceeded much more smoothly as I plan yet another Camino (subject to the whims of a tiny organism that has waylaid most of our plans for two years).

Thanks for your honest assessment of where you are and how you feel... as several folks have mentioned above: You. Are. Not. Alone.
Buen Camino

 

[jpflavin1]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Finding answers and implementing are two very different challenges.

The Camino provides a wonderful environment to learn about oneself. In my experience, the journey allows me the necessary quiet in my head to examine what is working and what is not in my life. Some of these learning are changes I can control and others are not. Identifying changes and implementing are very different steps.

I found that many of the things I wanted to change, about myself, were very difficult to implement back in my real life environment. Initially, I was trying to fix to many things in a more challenging environment than the Camino where I identified issues.

Understanding the challenges, now, I decided to identify one change, not the most difficult or one that would benefit me the most, but one that I felt confident I could implement. I found success in this model and improved my real life environment.

That success helped me become more confident in future more challenging changes.

So it is a two step process for me. I use the Camino environment to self examine, identify and select a personal change I want to make. Then focus, when I return to my life environment, on implementing that challenge at home.

After 10 Camino's, I believe I have become a better, Husband, Father, Grandfather, Friend, and neighbor .

Another 1000 Camino's and I just might be perfect.

 

[naplesdon]

There should be a list of former Forum members who contributed their personal experiences and sage advice for years and years. They shared their catharsis from newbies to seasoned veterans, I suspect that what you will become. There is a poignant entablature over the entrance of cemetery somehwere along the Camino that says loosely translated "I am what you will become." Some Forum members I miss who no longer share their stories are: Falcon 269, Tom Lee and Mendi Walk.

 

[Former member 59618]

You are in good company. My first camino nearly turned me inside out and left me tender and raw. It was a beautiful, magical, hard and difficult process, and coming home was a rude awakening. But I was hooked and knew I had to do it again. So I planned and schemed and 3 years later walked from Le Puy to Santiago. I needed just a really long time to walk and think.

I'm like you, a seeker and it's something I've come to accept about myself. Perhaps you found a little bit of yourself on the camino, so keep sniffing out those breadcrumbs, don't give up.

 

[Canada Wanders]

When my wife first proposed the Camino (which I had never even heard of) I thought she was crazy.
Put on a pack, walk across a country? I’ve done that, and it was not fun (military). My wife responded with”no one is going to shoot at you, there will be crusty bread and red wine…and I think you need to buy a new pack…” NOW I was all in.
A Camino France walk later….guess who the biggest promoter is?
A lot of my baggage was left at the side of the trail, and the meseta was my favourite, a clear metaphor for me of a journey you can take with others, but must be lived on your own.
Life is not always what we expect, but it is a part of us to be experienced.

 

[Excursionista]

Haven't read all the replies but just wanted to tell you how deeply this resonates with me. My life's dream was to travel the world, which I never expected to actually have the opportunity to do. When a combination of privilege and thoughtful decisions enabled me to globetrot for most of my twenties, I was a bit at a loss when I realized I'd fulfilled my life's ambition with likely 3/4 of that life yet to live.

This may not help in your situation, but I've decided to view everything else as a bonus. Since I already achieved my dream over a decade ago, I now focus on two things: enjoying this bonus time and trying to make the world a bit better so that others get to achieve their dreams too.

 

[Priscilla NC]

I walked my first Camino in 2016, at the age of 67. Although I had been in a period of transformation for a couple of years (which resulted in my 'accidental retirement', another story), I didn't realize it at the time, but I expected that Camino experience would place me on a deep spiritual path. Needless to say, it didn't happen like that right away, and I considered myself a failure. It didn't change me in the ways I expected, especially right after I returned.

I walked my second Camino in 2019 at the age of 70. I didn't attribute it to my first Camino, but I was now on a deep spiritual path already. Elements of that path were temporary (again, another story), and I was taking a few months to discern my next steps. So another Camino fit the bill in that time period. I felt impatient during that Camino -- and, surprise, that Camino ended in injury! So I felt so unfulfilled from that Camino.

I look back now, and the changes/transformation I had initially sought in 2016 have happened in surprising but wonderful ways, even in the midst of Pandemic. The 2019 Camino didn't work out like I expected (hello!!) because I set an agenda for it that did not materialize. But I can now see the Way of the Pilgrim has worked itself into my life.

I hope to walk again in probably 2023, God willing. And I hope to walk it experiencing only what I experience at that time, not having expectations of what might be a 'product' of that Camino.

May you be likewise blessed in your Camino experience. Your first one is not yet over.
Blessings!!

 

[naplesdon]

Haven't read all the replies but just wanted to tell you how deeply this resonates with me. My life's dream was to travel the world, which I never expected to actually have the opportunity to do. When a combination of privilege and thoughtful decisions enabled me to globetrot for most of my twenties, I was a bit at a loss when I realized I'd fulfilled my life's ambition with likely 3/4 of that life yet to live.

This may not help in your situation, but I've decided to view everything else as a bonus. Since I already achieved my dream over a decade ago, I now focus on two things: enjoying this bonus time and trying to make the world a bit better so that others get to achieve their dreams too.

Your life sounds like the polar opposite of mine.
I had wanderlust as long as I can remember but I gravitated into a career in architecture that took me to many places around the world which unfortunately never gave me the time/pleasure to explore them.
At 58 I retired and took up the challenge of doing relief projects in West Africa.
A few years later I moved to Pays Basque and started walking the Camino for 11+ years. I have shared experiences with so many wonderful people over the past 15 year, I feel like I wasted some of my early years.
It brings to mind Schrodinger's cat and a wonderful book: The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.

 

[Frank Wortley]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Hi Matt
Your story is, to me, a familiar one and not just relating to Camino. The matters you mentioned might well be call spiritual issue or matters on meaning. I have found finding a Spiritual Director very helpful in finding my way through the fog of lostness. If you decide to seek one out pesevereuntil you discover one who will engage with you at the place you are in and who will not attempt to direct you down a path of their choosing or preference.
I wish you will and you seek to find a steady and enriching way forward in your life.

 

[Elle Bieling]

... but when I pray I sense that God (as I understand it) wants me ignorant and curious... in other words, always seeking.

I think you are onto something here, Matt. As my one of my favorite Christian contemplative says,

"As we enter the path of transformation, the most valuable thing we have working in our favor is our yearning.”
Cynthia Bourgeault, The Wisdom Jesus: Transforming Heart and Mind

Indeed, carry on pilgrim.

 

[DreamHiker2]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in ,,,,,

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

sounds like you have post-trail depression - something which is common unfortunately because there is nothing more freeing that being out in the world with our only possessions on our back - try going on some local trails near you and involve your wife/family/friends so she/they can see and feel how you felt when you were on your camino.

 

[gmag]

15 Kilos?... whoa, that's a real load. But I digress... in admiration!

Rex,
and more!!! even more... much more...
ask to Jacotrans and David mochilas...

 

[wdavidelliott]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

It's not done when you get home. Earlier today a friend recommended Alexander J. Shaia's Returning from Camino, which discusses returning home from a pilgrimage. Let me know what you think.

 

[JillGat]

You say you feel lost.
And that you felt found on the camino.
If you felt that way on the camino, you can feel that anywhere. How to recover yourself off the camino is the deeper and harder pilgrimage.
But it's worth every step.

Happiness is an inside job. The camino is a doorway in - and a proximate cause of a kind of happiness - but it's not what ultimately causes deeper happiness.
The mind and heart do that.
They are powerful, and when we are completely present and centered, we are naturally content no matter what is happening or where we are.

So finding a way to access that contentment and joy anywhere is your task right now. Planning or walking another camino doesn't solve anything, it just perpetuates external seeking. Like chasing a rainbow, happiness is always a little farther away.

So reproducing the outer circumstances of the Camino that produce 'foundness' without cultivating inner presence at home is a tune-up, and a pleasant enough addiction, but it misses the deeper potential for accessing true peace of mind.

There are lots of ways to do that. @simply B describes his version. I do walking meditation.
Anything that keeps you experientially exploring the source of inner happiness will help develop resilience when things get bumpy.
And they do. A lot.
There's nothing wrong with that, just life being what it is.

Ultreia, peregrino.

amen.

 

[JillGat]

When you first meet and fall in love with somebody, it's a wildly addictive feeling. Part of what you are experiencing is a fantasy of who your lover really is, as they are experiencing about you. It's not your usual every day reality. When you get past the infatuation part, the harder - if more meaningful - part is next. You aren't as "high" all the time, but you dig deeper to another level with your partner, which includes the discomforts and even boredom sometimes of "real life"and it does becomes harder to recapture the euphoria and bliss you felt when it was all new.

On the Camino, it is eye opening, for sure, to learn how little STUFF you really need to carry with you every day. That is not a trivial realization. But don't forget that, if not for the great gear you have and the replenishment of the ATM along the way, walking alone in a foreign country with no safety net would be nowhere near as blissful. I don't mean to trivialize what we learn and experience, walking the camino. But just saying that it isn't "real life." We all want to recapture the idealistic euphoria, and it's worth it to seek it in our every day lives.

 

[PilgrimJames]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

I don't believe the Camino is an instant fix for people. We can't demand a response from it. If given time you may gain a perspective. Don't force it. Continue on your journey.... buen Camino

 

[Fromista]

"Once a pilgrim, forever a pilgrim" Matt. This is so true. I also thought I found myself during the walk. Now I know, it was just the beginning. There is a long journey for us, and I am sure we won't get all the answers. But searching is the path.

 

[Paladina]

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims.

I understand that you are finding it difficult to return to your pre-Camino life, whatever this was, as it's a feeling that many on this forum will have experienced, but I am troubled by your aversion to the company of 'non-pilgrims'. The small acts of kindness, sympathy and generosity that I've encountered on the Camino have been replicated innumerable times by those amongst whom I live and work, almost all of whom have never set foot on the road to Santiago. There is much to learn from and to value in those who have followed a different path in life.

 

[good_old_shoes]

I don't mean to trivialize what we learn and experience, walking the camino. But just saying that it isn't "real life."

The camino is a very real pilgrimage path, passing through a real country. It leads through real towns and villages, inhabited by real people who live and work along the way. It's walked by real human beings from all over the world, who bring their very real emotions, hopes, dreams, problems, flaws and fears with them. It's a place where people tend to allow themselves to be maybe more real than back at home in their everyday lives, to let the masks slip off, to be open and vulnerable.

In my opinion it doesn't get much more real than that.

For some people the camino is actually a life changing experience, leading to very real consequences and changes in their everyday life.

The Camino is certainly an odd place and probably very different from most people's daily lives back at home, but that doesn't make it less real. Just very rare, which is maybe one reason why so many people tend to come back and walk again, and again, and again...

 

[VNwalking]

Sorry, long post, but I keep coming back to this:

it can certainly be strange and confusing to realize that a way, far away in a foreign country, where you sleep in a different place every night, can feel like finally coming home, and that people you've never met before and who might not even speak the same language,

That says something about how far our culture has drifted from what is actually normal. We have a deep natural connection and kinship with other people - and we all inhabit an ephemeral and uncertain world. Regardless of nationality or culture we share far more than what separates us. The Camino allows this to be on the surface.

At home (wherever that is) there's so much in the way. Collective conventions (that we are all born into but may not agree with). Economic status. Cultural values that seem to prioritize wealth and fame over everything that matters. The treadmill of needing to be endlessly productive - or be 'someone.' The list goes on.

All our conventions are made-up. Every convention - from nation-states, to laws, what we value, money, fashion, how one 'should' live, and what makes a useful life.

Most of all that - the cultural game we've been playing all our lives - comes to a crashing stop on the camino. And we can just be.

That we've been playing a game without questioning it can be an unsettling insight.
And to try go back to exactly the way we saw it before isn't possible. You can't unsee what you know to be true.

So now what?
Well. . .
Keep the outer framework of life as before, while now knowing what is important and what is just 'the game' - and not taking the game so seriously? One option.
Make radical changes so we can live as much as possible in harmony with our deepest values?
Another option.
Both are good.

Which we choose depends on our relationships, responsibilities, and practical limitations.

But fighting what is causes gratuitous suffering. That others around us continue to blindly play the game can be a cause for compassion, rather than disapointment or aversion. Turn the difficulty inside out, and it becomes a boundless source of kindness.

 

[wayfarer]

People are nomadic by nature, its in our DNA, and even though we have "settled" its still there. That, I believe, is why so many people feel at home on the Camino including those who walk it for neither religious or spiritual reasons and keep coming back.

 

[gmag]

Sorry, long post, but I keep coming back to this:

That says something about how far our culture has drifted from what is actually normal. We have a deep natural connection and kinship with other people - and we all inhabit an ephemeral and uncertain world. Regardless of nationality or culture we share far more than what separates us. The Camino allows this to be on the surface.

At home (wherever that is) there's so much in the way. Collective conventions (that we are all born into but may not agree with). Economic status. Cultural values that seem to prioritize wealth and fame over everything that matters. The treadmill of needing to be endlessly productive - or be 'someone.' The list goes on.

All our conventions are made-up. Every convention - from nation-states, to laws, what we value, money, fashion, how one 'should' live, and what makes a useful life.

Most of all that - the cultural game we've been playing all our lives - comes to a crashing stop on the camino. And we can just be.

That we've been playing a game without questioning it can be an unsettling insight.
And to try go back to exactly the way we saw it before isn't possible. You can't unsee what you know to be true.

So now what?
Well. . .
Keep the outer framework of life as before, while now knowing what is important and what is just 'the game' - and not taking the game so seriously? One option.
Make radical changes so we can live as much as possible in harmony with our deepest values?
Another option.
Both are good.

Which we choose depends on our relationships, responsibilities, and practical limitations.

But fighting what is causes gratuitous suffering. That others around us continue to blindly play the game can be a cause for compassion, rather than disapointment or aversion. Turn the difficulty inside out, and it becomes a boundless source of kindness.

Impeccable!! It is a pleasure to read something so well reasoned and structured, with which I also agree.

 

[shefollowsshells]

You say you feel lost.
And that you felt found on the camino.
If you felt that way on the camino, you can feel that anywhere. How to recover yourself off the camino is the deeper and harder pilgrimage.
But it's worth every step.

Happiness is an inside job. The camino is a doorway in - and a proximate cause of a kind of happiness - but it's not what ultimately causes deeper happiness.
The mind and heart do that.
They are powerful, and when we are completely present and centered, we are naturally content no matter what is happening or where we are.

So finding a way to access that contentment and joy anywhere is your task right now. Planning or walking another camino doesn't solve anything, it just perpetuates external seeking. Like chasing a rainbow, happiness is always a little farther away.

So reproducing the outer circumstances of the Camino that produce 'foundness' without cultivating inner presence at home is a tune-up, and a pleasant enough addiction, but it misses the deeper potential for accessing true peace of mind.

There are lots of ways to do that. @simply B describes his version. I do walking meditation.
Anything that keeps you experientially exploring the source of inner happiness will help develop resilience when things get bumpy.
And they do. A lot.
There's nothing wrong with that, just life being what it is.

Ultreia, peregrino.

VNwalking!
Not certain I’ve ever read anything re: Camino advice better than this! Tears in my eyes beauty! I want to just sit with coffee and here such thoughts for hours , or on hike. I suspect way more than Matt needed to hear this.
I too didn’t feel “ just plan another Camino” was the answer, especially if a spouse is at who you adore but cringe at her speaking since home. When we stop in churches and head up to the alter I always mention the blessing those that are at home who helped us plan, gave us encouragement, and maybe just permission to go. They are so important to us and need to be reminded often I think .

 

[shefollowsshells]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Matt I’m sending a huge hug! Such vulnerability… I think it’s important since you adore your spouse so much to turn your attention to the two of you. Such good advice here, maybe a gratitude journal, or even something outside of a concentration on the videos of your camino. A concentration of life at home and the marriage…only since you shared how much your adore her and your reaction once home.
I’m not certain if we met the Camino, when I read your post the comforting thoughts of walking a few minutes together appeared to me. If you were that gentleman I thought you referenced a recent loss, death, of someone near… and if that’s the case maybe that has some play into your loss. Statistically I doubt it was you, but did wonder as he too referenced videos.
Peace to you fellow pilgrim!

 

[Phoenix]

Sorry, long post, but I keep coming back to this:

That says something about how far our culture has drifted from what is actually normal. We have a deep natural connection and kinship with other people - and we all inhabit an ephemeral and uncertain world. Regardless of nationality or culture we share far more than what separates us. The Camino allows this to be on the surface.

At home (wherever that is) there's so much in the way. Collective conventions (that we are all born into but may not agree with). Economic status. Cultural values that seem to prioritize wealth and fame over everything that matters. The treadmill of needing to be endlessly productive - or be 'someone.' The list goes on.

All our conventions are made-up. Every convention - from nation-states, to laws, what we value, money, fashion, how one 'should' live, and what makes a useful life.

Most of all that - the cultural game we've been playing all our lives - comes to a crashing stop on the camino. And we can just be.

That we've been playing a game without questioning it can be an unsettling insight.
And to try go back to exactly the way we saw it before isn't possible. You can't unsee what you know to be true.

So now what?
Well. . .
Keep the outer framework of life as before, while now knowing what is important and what is just 'the game' - and not taking the game so seriously? One option.
Make radical changes so we can live as much as possible in harmony with our deepest values?
Another option.
Both are good.

Which we choose depends on our relationships, responsibilities, and practical limitations.

But fighting what is causes gratuitous suffering. That others around us continue to blindly play the game can be a cause for compassion, rather than disapointment or aversion. Turn the difficulty inside out, and it becomes a boundless source of kindness.

Great post. I cannot add to it, only sing along.

One of the best things about Camino is the opportunity to get away/take a break from the incessant navel-gazing and whining about first-world problems so common among our countrymen/women, especially those who vomit their every thought out into the void known as social media for consumption by mostly total strangers.

Camino gives us a chance to stir up and smell the dust of the earth as we walk, to get sweaty or cold, to be hungry and fulfilled, to acknowledge well-earned aches and pains, and to have real conversations with people from all around the world.

When we come home, the thought (for many of us) is usually, "ah, this crap again." Then the process of reconciliation begins: recognition of the "game" for what it is combined with the new knowledge that there is a place called Camino where a different kind of life happens, one in which we get to truly connect with other humans experiencing mostly the same things day in and day out, and the process of blending the other life with the regular life.

 

[Storyteller Matt]

One of the best things about Camino is the opportunity to get away/take a break from the incessant navel-gazing and whining about first-world problems so common among our countrymen/women, especially those who vomit their every thought out into the void known as social media for consumption by mostly total strangers.

WOW! This quote. Just... freaking... WOW!

 

[Phoenix]

WOW! This quote. Just... freaking... WOW!

Ever perused the Twitterverse?

 

[Marbe2]

St. Ignatius, the founder of the Jesuits wrote about consolation and desolation.
Margaret Silf, who is a spiritual writer and director describes the following criterion for each state, and I believe, as someone with a clinical background, that these are descriptions that are helpful when a person is trying to determine if s/he is in consolation or desolation…regardless of one’s spiritual orientations.

Desolation​

• Turns us in on ourselves
• Drives us down the spiral ever deeper into our own negative feelings
• Cuts us off from community
• Makes us want to give up on the things that used to be important to us
• Takes over our whole consciousness and crowds out our distant vision
• Covers up all our landmarks [the signs of our journey with God so far]
• Drains us of energy

Consolation​

• Directs our focus outside and beyond ourselves
• Lifts our hearts so that we can see the joys and sorrows of other people
• Bonds us more closely to our human community
• Generates new inspiration and ideas
• Restores balance and refreshes our inner vision
• Shows us where God is active in our lives and where God is leading us
• Releases new energy in us

In constructing his rules for the "discernment of spirits," which Ignatius recognized takes experience, courage and skill, he came up with one, inviolable rule: Rule: When in desolation, do not make any important, life altering decisions or changes! ... wait for consolation to return before making important life decisions!

When One is in such a state, and needs assistance, it is best to enter such a process with someone. It is all well and good to look inward, as someof us have suggested, but having an experienced professional as a companion to journey with ….is likely much more fruitful.

I sincerely hope, you do not make major changes without seeking direction. Find someone who can journey with you, be it a clinical professional or a spiritual advisor. This camino requires your introspection, but also the ability to process your journey with a faithul, experienced companion in these matters.

All of us can give our insights on paper….which, as usual, reflect many different and rich perspectives…..but none of us really knows you and can be with you regularly on your way. Please reach out and find a guide where you live!

 

[Turga]

People are nomadic by nature, its in our DNA, and even though we have "settled" its still there. That, I believe, is why so many people feel at home on the Camino including those who walk it for neither religious or spiritual reasons and keep coming back.

I rather think that by nature, we are seekers – and that urge to seek is somehow fulfilled by walking from place to place hoping to find – what? Something …

 

[shefollowsshells]

There should be a list of former Forum members who contributed their personal experiences and sage advice for years and years. They shared their catharsis from newbies to seasoned veterans, I suspect that what you will become. There is a poignant entablature over the entrance of cemetery somehwere along the Camino that says loosely translated "I am what you will become." Some Forum members I miss who no longer share their stories are: Falcon 269, Tom Lee and Mendi Walk.

Mendi Walker was a HUGE gift to this forum, the others I sadly don’t know but have no doubt they were too! Thank you for recognizing Mendi Walker who was/ is a pilgrims pilgrim!

 

[Theatregal]

Mendi Walker was a HUGE gift to this forum, the others I sadly don’t know but have no doubt they were too! Thank you for recognizing Mendi Walker who was/ is a pilgrims pilgrim!

Very true. I walked with Mendi Walker and his wife for a bit on the Ingles in 2014. Wonderful people.

 

[Laurie Sanantone]

Matt, I thought of you today when I re-read “Beatitudes of the Pilgrim” from the Church of St. Stephen in Zabaldika, posted by a Forum member a couple of years ago. Especially #4:

1. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if you discover that the Camino opens your eyes to what is not seen.
2. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if what concerns you most is not to arrive, as to arrive with others.
3. Blessed are you, pilgrim, when you contemplate the Camino and you discover it is full of names and dawns.
4. Blessed are you, pilgrim, because you have discovered that the authentic Camino begins when it is completed.
5. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if your knapsack is emptying of things and your heart does not know where to hang up so many feelings and emotions.
6. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if you discover that one step back to help another is more valuable than a hundred forward without seeing what is at your side.
7. Blessed are you, pilgrim, when you don't have words to give thanks for everything that surprises you at every twist and turn of the way.
8. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if you search for the truth and make of the Camino a life and of your life a way, in search of the one who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
9. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if on the way you meet yourself and gift yourself with time, without rushing, so as not to disregard the image in your heart.
10. Blessed are you, pilgrim, if you discover that the Camino holds a lot of silence, and the silence of prayer, and the prayer of meeting with the Father who is waiting for you.

May your continuing journey bring you peace.

 

[alexwalker]

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

You are not lost. You have just had a glimpse of another world through a new open door. Just keep on keeping on. CU on the Meseta, a wonderful place to collect yourself.

 

[JillGat]

Mendi Walker was a HUGE gift to this forum, the others I sadly don’t know but have no doubt they were too! Thank you for recognizing Mendi Walker who was/ is a pilgrims pilgrim!

Where did Mendi Walker go?

 

[JillGat]

Matt I’m sending a huge hug! Such vulnerability… I think it’s important since you adore your spouse so much to turn your attention to the two of you. Such good advice here, maybe a gratitude journal, or even something outside of a concentration on the videos of your camino. A concentration of life at home and the marriage…only since you shared how much your adore her and your reaction once home.
I’m not certain if we met the Camino, when I read your post the comforting thoughts of walking a few minutes together appeared to me. If you were that gentleman I thought you referenced a recent loss, death, of someone near… and if that’s the case maybe that has some play into your loss. Statistically I doubt it was you, but did wonder as he too referenced videos.
Peace to you fellow pilgrim!

Good point about vulnerability. You walk to exhaustion - and sometimes pain - out in the weather; going from hot, to cold, wet, or dark. Sometimes basics like food and accomodations aren't even a sure thing. You meet people briefly from far away, and for some reason this opens us up to be more real and vulnerable, to listen and share, without the guards we often set up at home with friends, co-workers, etc.

Sometimes I find myself sitting in a car at an intersection, making a grocery list in my mind, reviewing what I "should have said," and previewing what I "need to do," most of which is minutia. It can be a real battle to let go of all that. The experience on the Camino is a stark contrast to this. No wonder we miss it.

 

[efdoucette]

Storyteller Matt:
Your opening post resonates, here is a few thoughts I'd like to share with you.

Ten years have passed since my first Camino, the Frances. That experience has, unexpectedly to me, weaved it's way into my daily life. I sit alone in my post Camino life, I have Camino friends and we keep in touch, but still my Camino experience lives only in me. My wonderful family and friends have tried to understand it, but don't truly get it, I suspect. The Camino can be isolating in this respect.

I'm now 67, and I've come to realize that It's a long life, and many things happen in one's lifetime. While on the Camino, alone in my thoughts, I was able to reconcile many past experiences. In retrospect, that time has gifted me a way to see life. I continue to walk from home most days, walking is a real treasure for me.

I sit on my couch this morning with my coffee, my dog peacefully laying on my feet. I can look out the window to our outside fireplace where I have glued a tile of the Camino shell (it's actually pointing in the right direction). I have Camino books on the bookshelf, a Camino shell necklace hangs from my dresser door in my bedroom. A map of Spain and it's Camino routes hang from a wall in the den. I know where my backpack is and all the gear that I can shove in it in short notice. I don't dwell on these things, or stare at them in obsession, but they are there, all just subtle reminders for me, a part of me.

All this blabbing on just to say: I carry the Camino experience as a tool, everyday, in my backpack, it helps me on my journey. Somehow, I hope this helps.

 

[JillGat]

The camino is a very real pilgrimage path, passing through a real country. It leads through real towns and villages, inhabited by real people who live and work along the way. It's walked by real human beings from all over the world, who bring their very real emotions, hopes, dreams, problems, flaws and fears with them. It's a place where people tend to allow themselves to be maybe more real than back at home in their everyday lives, to let the masks slip off, to be open and vulnerable.

In my opinion it doesn't get much more real than that.

For some people the camino is actually a life changing experience, leading to very real consequences and changes in their everyday life.

The Camino is certainly an odd place and probably very different from most people's daily lives back at home, but that doesn't make it less real. Just very rare, which is maybe one reason why so many people tend to come back and walk again, and again, and again...

Yes, it is a real pilgrimage path. But most of us are visitors, with many resources, who fly in, rely on ATMs and expected accomodations. If we had no bank accounts, no guide books, little protective clothing, fear of crime, insecurity about accomodations or food, it would be a very different experience and I am guessing that most of us would not miss it when we got home.

 

[good_old_shoes]

Yes, it is a real pilgrimage path. But most of us are visitors, with many resources, who fly in, rely on ATMs and expected accomodations. If we had no bank accounts, no guide books, little protective clothing, fear of crime, insecurity about accomodations or food, it would be a very different experience and I am guessing that most of us would not miss it when we got home.

I don't really see how having access to ressources makes it less real. We have all kinds of ressources in our everyday lives, too, including clothing, bank accounts, ATMs and accommodation. Maybe our definitions are just a bit different

 

[JillGat]

I don't really see how having access to ressources makes it less real. We have all kinds of ressources in our everyday lives, too, including clothing, bank accounts, ATMs and accommodation. Maybe our definitions are just a bit different

I get what you're saying. I'm thinking of what it was like when I was serving in the Peace Corps in Jamaica. I had a low income, no transportation, phone, or even hot water in my cottage. Basically you could say I was living just like the locals. However the fact that I would be going HOME made my experience radically different from the people who didn't have that choice or opportunity. While traveling, too, it is easier to romanticize the somewhat choreographed reality of the places we visit.
That being said, there is MUCH to learn, walking the Camino. And, again, I don't mean to dismiss the way it can change our lives. For me, especially, learning to live simply, to spend more time outdoors, to listen and help others.. all of those are things I try to carry home for my every day life.

 

[Rex]

Yes, it is a real pilgrimage path. But most of us are visitors, with many resources, who fly in, rely on ATMs and expected accomodations. If we had no bank accounts, no guide books, little protective clothing, fear of crime, insecurity about accomodations or food, it would be a very different experience and I am guessing that most of us would not miss it when we got home.

If we Camino pilgrims were all as you described above, we would most likely be referred to as refugees and seeking a new home.
I work with refugee families through a volunteer organization - you have described their lives to a T. They are forced pilgrims and the path is unclear, there are no albergues and food scarcity is always an issue, as is the specter of crime. You have just given me a sobering insight into another facet of my "privilege" in this world. Merci beaucoup.

 

[David Tallan]

Yes, it is a real pilgrimage path. But most of us are visitors, with many resources, who fly in, rely on ATMs and expected accomodations. If we had no bank accounts, no guide books, little protective clothing, fear of crime, insecurity about accomodations or food, it would be a very different experience and I am guessing that most of us would not miss it when we got home.

I might be mistaken (it certainly wouldn't be the first time!) but I think there might be some confusion between "real" and "realistic" in this thread in the discussion.

For most of us, continuing to live on the Camino is not realistic. We don't have the resources to live that way permanently. So we have to go back to another part of our lives, one that produces an income and those many resources. Living full-time on the Camino is not realistic. And it doesn't accurately reflect the kind of life that is realistic - with a job, a mortgage, taxes, utilities payments, obligations, etc. I think that might be what JillCat is trying to get at when she says it is not "real".

But that doesn't mean that what we experience there isn't real. In fact, for some, the break from the "realistic" enables them to more closely touch what they consider to be truly Real (especially those who walk with religious or spiritual intent). Even for those of us who aren't quite so religious/spritual, we often find that we emerge from the Camino with real experiences, real learnings, real friendships, and real changes.

 

[Former member 99290]

But just saying that it isn't "real life."

Not presuming to speak on behalf of @JillGat - but I took this commonplace expression to mean 'your usual life' - and, for the vast majority of us, the Camino isn't our 'usual life'. So perhaps the 'discussion' about whether a Camino is 'real life' or not is just semantics. The experience is real, and I don' think anyone is suggesting otherwise.

 

[tpalmercurl]

My wife said something yesterday that makes sense. I will put it in quotes but paraphrase. "You've always been lost," she said. "As long as I've known you [25 years] you've been searching for something. Maybe the Camino is telling you that you will always been lost and searching and you should just embrace that."

Which kind of makes sense, because when people question me about my faith, I say my religion is ignorance. I'm not sure what the Higher Power is (and the use of the term might clue some of you in to a huge piece of my spiritual life), but when I pray I sense that God (as I understand it) wants me ignorant and curious... in other words, always seeking.

You may well be right about what God wants of you. The only advice I would add to all of the thoughtful posts you have received is just to be patient. God (as I call the Higher Power) plays a long game. It has frustrated me many times when I've wanted an answer, guidance, wisdom on my timetable. Let go. It will come on its own.

 

[ukjohn99]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

I walked the Camino Frances in 2009 from St Jean to Santiago. I was unsettled when I returned home to the UK. When I went on a walk along part of Hadrian's Wall a few weeks later with friends, I was haunted by the ghosts of the Camino. I kept hoping, expecting, to see my Camino friends when I turned a corner or breasted a hill. There would be Inga or Markus or Nico coming towards me with a happy smile in greeting. It took a while to get over that and it helped that I was still in touch with them. It is often said that walking the Camino is actually the start of a longer Camino in life. I think that is true and I think that is where you are. The first step is awareness of the situation, which you seem to have. I suggest that you embrace your memories of the Camino and use those feelings and the experience to embrace your blessings and to rekindle the excitement of the next step in your life, the next turn of the corner and all the different paths that you can take. Sorry that this sounds a bit trite but I do believe that you've actually started the first step of your continuing Camino. Stay well, stay in touch and always know that we are hear to listen and to give you sympathy and support.

 

[JMac TO]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

Sounds like you found your answer on the Camino, you just haven’t acted on it. Happiness is possible but you have to change how you live today. Often simpler is better. Just my thoughts. I started the Camino looking for a new direction; As I had been retired for a year. By the end I realized that the direction I was on was ok with me. I didn’t need to look for something more complex or deeper. Turns out my purpose in life is to live.

 

[lunna]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

You are right that it only really sinks in after it’s over, though for me, it sinks in the right way. I think the reason for the delayed reaction is because normally, if you do a long one day hike, you can go to bed that night and let the day’s activities replay themselves like a movie, but when you walk every day, you are being filled constantly with so many impressions that they get stored somewhere in you, and you just aren’t able to let the film unfold the same way as after a day or two stroll. But then, when the weeks-long walk is over - and sometimes there’s even a month or two delay - those impressions start unfolding and it is really fantastic!

 

[marty gerber]

I finished the Camino Frances in October 2021. It was a calling I had to fulfill, ever since I dipped my toe in the Camino in 2018 (where I started in Sarria and made a fool of myself). This time, I completed... the best thing I have ever done.

Now I am home. This is where everyone says the real Camino begins. So many stories I've heard about people finding answers on the Camino, coming to great realizations about their life.

The only realization I have upon coming home is that I am lost, that I have always been lost, and that the only place where I felt "found" was on the Camino... "found" for the first time in my life.

Now I am home, and I am lost again. I'm not peaceful. I'm not happy. I don't feel enlightened. I hate the company of non-pilgrims. The voice of my wife (who I love and adore) makes me want to scream. The demands of my life are almost unbearable.

If I could, I would gladly be back in the middle of La Meseta, hungry, tired, smelling bad, ass itching, feet aching... all would be preferable to the hell that is this so-called "real world." The Camino is one of the things that was missing in my life, and I have no idea how to parlay that into the rest of my life.

I didn't find myself on the Camino. I lost myself. And I don't know how to find myself again.

Help?

(Just to note, I have some personal credentials, which I won't bother mentioning, that might lead a person to think I understand a little about what it takes to "do life" successfully.)

And having returned in mid-October this year from the St. Jean-to-Santiago walk (with my granddaughter), my thoughts could have a little bit of timeliness relevant to your situation: The big thing that jumps out to me in terms of what would most help you adapt the Camino's gifts to your life back home is:

Simplify, simplify, simplify!

Our daily lives in our ordinary worlds are filled with so much "crap"! The single most important thing you can do is to give the deepest thought you're capable of to the very difficult question of:
What—of all the many specific objects/actions/decisions/people/etc. that fill my life—really gives me the greatest fulfillment in terms of filling the needs and desires of my deepest core? (This is a pretty tough question, but it's the one that can make all the difference.) And then that conclusion you come to should be where you focus as much of your physical, psychological, and emotional capability as possible. And then all the rest is detail.

Here's an example: Person A decides through this process that the greatest fulfillment comes from pushing his body to the maximum of its powers; Person B decides via this M.O. that the greatest fulfillment comes from maximum feeding of the senses—tastes, smells, sounds, touchings, etc; C decides that greatest fulfillment comes from his or her interpersonal relationships; D decides that greatest fulfillment comes from experiencing the infinite range of varied cultures people have created all over the world; and etc, etc, etc. But what A and B and C and D and etc. all have in common is that aiming their total selves at each individual's No. #1 goal brings them a seemingly maximum amount of personal reward and satisfaction—as long as this person really can take the view that "the rest is detail," since "the rest" can include such theoretically important aspects as where one works, how many cars a person has, where one goes on vacation, what population density a person lives in, etc, etc. But (as individuals A, B, C, D, and etc. found) getting—though their efforts!—to pretty damn close to actually achieving Goal No. #1 gave them enough personal strength and resilience to comfortably ease whatever feelings of shortfall may have resulted from failure to meet all of their "secondary" (though not unimportant) goals such the ones above.

So maybe if you can try to shift your thinking somewhat in this direction, it could help. -Marty

 

[Owen Duguay]

Hi there. No one can walk in your shoes. I wish you well in any and all decisions that you will be taking . I would have two suggestions to offer you Matt. First go to a gym and train. Exercise helps me a lot. Second don't put anything on your path that puts any stress or anxietty on you. When I have to do something hard or a million things I pick one that I know that I can do and do that one first. And 3 rd don't be too hard on yourself; you are stronger than you thinkl. Bye for now.

 

[Roz.K]

Dear Matt, I too can understand and sympathize with your feelings.
When we travel, it is an escape from our "real world", we leave all our responsibilities and the pressures of life behind. I experienced peace and a sense of fulfillment and achievement, when I completed my first camino...it was thrilling. And when it is all over, I can't wait to get home and plan the next long distance walk.
I have planned and booked 2 caminos, that have had to be cancelled due to the pandemic. This is like a feeling of failure that covid has exacerbated.I yearn for my next camino; every morning while I eat my breakfast, I read the forum...just to get a taste of life on the camino. It may sound pathetic, however I am determined to get back on the trail and satisfy my wanderlust and addiction to all things "camino".
Good luck Matt and try to get your wife to go with you next time, I am sure she will get hooked too.

 

[Tony Bobcat]

I hear you!

One thing that you can do is to join your local chapter of American Pilgrims on the Camino, if there is one near you. If not, you can start one. That's what @pinkwadingbird and I did here in Southern Oregon. I found that I really couldn't convey what the Camino is all about to those who hadn't done it, so it's nice to have a group of pilgrims to share stories with, and also help aspiring pilgrims on their way.

Thanks for your advise tercile, I’ve just joint my local Australian Friends Of The Camino.

 

[JillGat]

Oh, and BTW, I always feel a little blue when I return from *any* travel experience, even besides the Camino. This is an interesting experiment. For years, I've walked on the bosque trails along the Rio Grande here in New Mexico, so they are familiar to me in all seasons. Instead of letting my mind wander to other things, sometimes I look at the scenery around me while on my familiar trail and imagine that I am actually in a far-away place. This trail also looks like what I imagine an African savannah trail might, or maybe the Australian bush. I remember the time I walked through a forest in Thailand, peering through the trees hoping to see elephants, and imagine that that's where I am now. All of a sudden, I am transported from the routine to an exotic locale and I notice all the details; the plant and animal life, the trail, the weather, in a new way. I wonder if experiencing our surrounding world with fresh eyes is what we really miss when we come home.

 

[zenofmatthew]

"Who am I?" is a big unanswered question for me too. I like to walk in the dark when I need that kick of pretending I am back there-scenery is anything you want it to be in the dark. I was there in October too, and like you I am feeling a level of nostalgia unlike ever before. What they tried to tell us and we failed to truly understand, is that the "real camino" starts after we finish, and I think we're in the now in an uphill section. Re-entry has not been pretty for me either. The Camino is a life changing event and coping can be difficult. Just like you'd reach out to fix your blisters if they got too bad, there's no shame in reaching out to a mental health professional if your mind feels wrong.