I am feeling selfish

[MARSKA]

As I go about planning my Camino I am beginning to feel selfish. When I add up the costs for this trip it seems self-indulgent. At the current exchange rate food & lodging will be about $2000 for 30 days. Airfare will be $1000 (economy and a 9 hr flight). Yes the money is available but should not it be spent on something we do together? My husband is not interested in a Camino and supports my wishes...but.... well, I just feel like it's just about me.

 

[trecile]

It's okay for it to be about you! I think that it's very healthy for partners to have their own interests and passions.

 

[goldie from aus]

Whole agree with trecile – also there might be something your husband wants to do in the future that’s ok with you. Mean while he can follow you on messenger or email and see it thru your eyes

 

[MARSKA]

So sweet comments. Thank you. I really want to do this but now that I have decided and discussed with family - I'm trying to undo it? Why once so sure am I now so unsure? Why do I feel selfish and guilty? Well this is all something to ponder.
I do know from experience that I can get homesick when I'm away for a month or so and the homesickness can be quite painful.
And tiredness is creeping in - buenos noches pilgrims

 

[Bob Howard]

I may very well be totally off base or wrong about this, but when I talk (proselytize) to people about the Camino, I say to them (strictly my opinion) that the Camino, whether a pilgrimage with religious or spiritual implications or merely a contemplative walk, is best undertaken and enjoyed as a solitary experience. I have talked to Camino couples or groups of friends that told me they wouldn't have come for the walk if their husband/wife/friend(s) did not accompany them. And I get that many couples walk at different paces and might very well not see each other until the end of the day. But I think of the walk as one of the few times in life when you are truly alone with your thoughts and solely responsible for your own well-being for for an extended period of time, which is not to say, of course, that one would not have many and often meaningful conversations with fellow Pilgrims. So, yes, I suppose there is a self-absorbed aspect to it, but I wouldn't characterize it as selfish, irrespective of the cost. I am probably in the minority in this line of thinking this.

.

 

[sarahchicago]

Given the apparent sentiment behind your question (guilt?), could you instead think about this time as an investment that could produce richer and more fulfilling connections with your spouse (and others)? Sometimes spending concentrated time alone or in personal pursuits brings a new perspective and energy to our existing relationships and activities. Your financial investment in the Camino could produce invaluable effects on your relationships and life.

 

[trecile]

So sweet comments. Thank you. I really want to do this but now that I have decided and discussed with family - I'm trying to undo it? Why once so sure am I now so unsure? Why do I feel selfish and guilty? Well this is all something to ponder

I think that many of us have those feelings before our first (and sometimes second, third, fourth, etc. Caminos) It comes from a combination of things - fear, feeling that you are undeserving of this experience, etc. Perfectly normal feelings!

 

[Vacajoe]

Both you and your husband will grow during this time, both as individuals and as a partnership. You will return with a new understanding of yourself, your relationships with those around you, and the world. This money is for an education into life - it is money well-spent.

Your anxiety is natural as you are about to undertake an incredible journey to a foreign land to walk with strangers and challenge yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. To NOT express some trepidation would actually be a bit odd.

Stay the course. Growth can be painful, but it’s worth it.

 

[DOver]

Just my feeling, but...
I'd have never had a second thought, if my wife had really wanted something "just for her". In a sense, it would NOT have been "just about her". I'd have enjoyed giving it to her as much...or, maybe more, then she would have. Enjoy it and Buen Camino.

 

[henrythedog]

As I go about planning my Camino I am beginning to feel selfish. When I add up the costs for this trip it seems self-indulgent. At the current exchange rate food & lodging will be about $2000 for 30 days. Airfare will be $1000 (economy and a 9 hr flight). Yes the money is available but should not it be spent on something we do together? My husband is not interested in a Camino and supports my wishes...but.... well, I just feel like it's just about me.

If my wife wants to do something, I encourage her to do it; whether I’m participating or not.

Life becomes substantially less varied and rich if all you will do is what another wants to do also

A bit of selfishness is not a bad thing in this context.

 

[joyvj]

Initially three years ago I did the same and booked to do a section of the Camino.it was a treat to myself using retirement funds and making a transition from working to retirement. Then Covid struck and my trip was delayed.
I eventually dod my trip and raved about it so much about it to my husband that the following year we did another section together..
And then he raved about it. We leave in 4 weeks to walk the whole Camino Frances. And onto to Finisterre together.
if it something you need to do then it’s important to you and you must do it.
The power of the Camino is not measureable and is personal to you, it is not something that is easily explained to others…but it simply changes your life in ways that again are not easily describable to others.
looking forward to meeting you on the .Camino one day

 

[C clearly]

That is a very common feeling. Every marriage is different, but we tend to have an idealized view of couples as kindred spirits who are devoted partners in absolutely everything. My husband does not want to walk the camino, and I am happy because I prefer to do it on my own anyway. I suspect that he enjoys the change as well, and his tennis gets much better when I go away for a month.

The first time (going away on a Camino) is the hardest. It gets easier with practice!

 

[thepacman]

I may very well be totally off base or wrong about this, but when I talk (proselytize) to people about the Camino, I say to them (strictly my opinion) that the Camino, whether a pilgrimage with religious or spiritual implications or merely a contemplative walk, is best undertaken and enjoyed as a solitary experience. I have talked to Camino couples or groups of friends that told me they wouldn't have come for the walk if their husband/wife/friend(s) did not accompany them. And I get that many couples walk at different paces and might very well not see each other until the end of the day. But I think of the walk as one of the few times in life when you are truly alone with your thoughts and solely responsible for your own well-being for for an extended period of time, which is not to say, of course, that one would not have many and often meaningful conversations with fellow Pilgrims. So, yes, I suppose there is a self-absorbed aspect to it, but I wouldn't characterize it as selfish, irrespective of the cost. I am probably in the minority in this line of thinking this.

.

I don't think it's a matter of being "totally off base or wrong" @Bob Howard, just a different perspective. I walked the full CF in 2015 with my wife, and often we walked together, sometimes apart, and even if she was nearby or not so nearby there were many, many hours where I was well and truly "alone with my thoughts", which I valued (and still do) immensely. A couple of years later we walked the Portuguese with a group of friends, and that was a less enjoyable experience, in part because of complex group dynamics. In under 6 months we head off again for the full VDLP - just the two of us - so perhaps I should book-mark this commentary and come back to in in November and offer further commentary then.

I guess what I'm saying is that what works for some won't necessarily work for others, and one will benefit from being true to self, in whatever form that comes.

 

[thepacman]

And now a general reply to @MARSKA. An anecdote ...

Many years ago, well before my first Camino, I took myself off trekking in the Himalaya for almost a month, by myself. My now late mother-in-law said to her daughter "how could you let him do that?", an interesting and I think misplaced question. My wife's reply to her mother was along the lines of "he can do whatever he likes". I found that trek a difficult experience, in part because I was way out of my comfort zone for much of the time, and I missed having her around. But it was a wonderful, wonderful growth experience, a bit like the first Camino we did together a few years later was also a wonderful growth experience. (And I've been back to the Himalaya several times since.)

So I would say to you something like "do what feels right for you". If your husband is not interested it would likely be foolish to try to insist he joined you, even if you could, and if you don't do something that you really want to do will you come to regret that?? I certainly wouldn't label your question as one of "selfishness", but rather one of starting that process of exploration.

Good luck in whatever decision you make ...

 

[Anamiri]

As I go about planning my Camino I am beginning to feel selfish. When I add up the costs for this trip it seems self-indulgent. At the current exchange rate food & lodging will be about $2000 for 30 days. Airfare will be $1000 (economy and a 9 hr flight). Yes the money is available but should not it be spent on something we do together? My husband is not interested in a Camino and supports my wishes...but.... well, I just feel like it's just about me.

Coming from NZ those costs are 3 fold, and I still dont feel guilty!

 

[woody66]

It's okay for it to be about you! I think that it's very healthy for partners to have their own interests and passions.

Don't give up on your dreams for someone else!
If he's OK with it don't beat yourself up he loves you!
Woody

 

[nidarosa]

I had all the same thoughts when I set off on my camino in 2012. My partner (now husband) didn't mind - I work hard, I have flexible hours, if I could do it, I should. And it wasn't his thing so I went on my own. Six weeks later I came back a calmer, happier, stronger person full of stories, and never once regretted going. I would have regretted not going!
I still go at least once a year for at least two weeks. I don't see it as self-ish, but self-care - like an annual reset, health boost and time out. I could have taken up a different hobby and spent the same amount of money but I'd rather spend it on my caminos. Allow yourself this gift of time and enjoy every moment!
Buen Camino

 

[DoughnutANZ]

So sweet comments. Thank you. I really want to do this but now that I have decided and discussed with family - I'm trying to undo it? Why once so sure am I now so unsure? Why do I feel selfish and guilty? Well this is all something to ponder.
I do know from experience that I can get homesick when I'm away for a month or so and the homesickness can be quite painful.
And tiredness is creeping in - buenos noches pilgrims

Your Camino has started already. These thoughts and others will come and go as you prepare and walk. By the end you will understand.

 

[curlylottie]

When I walked the Camino Frances last year (2022), I walked alone but the entire effort was a joint one between my husband and me. As I was training, he encouraged me with funny text messages. Before I left, I gave him a binder of information on how to take care of the house and dogs, and we agreed I’d pay bills digitally from afar. We video chatted every night on WhatsApp, and he encouraged me when I complained about sore feet and loneliness and homesickness. “Keep going,” he told me. He had given me a silver camino shell pendant before I left, which I still wear to this day.

I think taking 5 weeks to walk alone is selfish, but both my husband and me are sure glad I did it. And I never felt like it was only my walk. He was right there with me all along, encouraging me, humoring me, gifting me massages for when I got home, taking care of the house while I was gone (including a hot water heater that broke), etc. We did it very much together.

My advice: go for it so long as your husband supports you! And Buen Camino!

 

[Former member 92300]

Marska - I am assuming you are female - and I apologize in advance if that is an incorrect assumption. But - I feel like many societies make women feel guilty when we do something for ourselves. We need to stop feeling that way.

For you, your husband, (and family - if you have kids or others you take care of) - are your basic needs being met? Do you have enough food on the table? Do you have a roof over your heads? Are basic bills being paid? Are basic needs being met?

If no to any of the above - then perhaps it might not be the right time to do something like this for yourself.

If yes (and maybe even if no to one or more of the questions), do you deserve to do something for yourself? Of course you do! Even if it is a month long hike across Spain.

It is often is very hard for many women to put their own needs first. But taking care of yourself and your needs will benefit the entire family. I know my husband half supported me the first time I went on the Camino. But I came home so much stronger, healthier, and in a much better place mentally - that he now does his best to support me going back for more "me" time on the Camino (or this year on the Via Francigena). It is healthy for couples to do things together AND separately. You want to do the Camino - is there something he wants to do for him? And is there something you both can do together at another time? As long as one partner isn't getting the short end of the stick all of the time - you both should make sure your needs are met.

And if you are a man - well - the same applies! You time, me time, our time! It is all important.

 

[MARSKA]

So much love and support! I am overwhelmed. Yes, I am feeling better about this today esp after reading your comments.

 

[David Tallan]

I think the guilt and the idea of selfishness may come from the mistaken idea that this is a one-way transaction with you taking and your husband is giving. Not so! You are giving, too. You are giving your husband the opportunity to be supportive. You are giving him the person you will be when you return.

The opportunity to be supportive sounds like a really backhanded gift. But it is not! There are lots and lots of studies that show we are happiest when we are being altruistic, when we are helping and supporting others. How much more so when the one we are helping and supporting is the one we love! Don't minimize the gift of this opportunity.

 

[Anhalter]

I do not understand why "selfish" has such a bad reputation. Doing something together is something good. Doing something for yourself is also something good. Maybe i don't totally get it due to some language issues, but my wife and myself make decent money. We like some things together, we also like some different things. We do things together, we do things apart. And i would never do the camino together with my wife. That is "me time".

 

[Former member 92300]

I do not understand why "selfish" has such a bad reputation. Doing something together is something good.

I think is this circumstance - "self care" would be a better word than "selfish".

Is it selfish to give yourself self care? Nope.

It would only be selfish if her family is doing without some basic needs so she could go and play for a month.

 

[Aidan21]

To look after the self, is not selfish; it is essential!!

 

[DOver]

So much love and support! I am overwhelmed. Yes, I am feeling better about this today esp after reading your comments.

Your post has been on my mind since I first read it a couple of days ago. I'd like to share one other thing...
A few years ago my wife and I went on a trip here in Australia, The Great Ocean Road. My wife loved to fly and there were these glider rides, which she had never done. I tried so hard to get her to do the ride... while I waited... she wouldn't because she didn't want me to wait... despite me telling her I wanted her to go.
Last year, I lost my wife to cancer. I had planned to surprise her with a glider ride here close at home, but she got too sick.
I'll always regret that I could never share that with her by supporting her from the ground.
If your husband tells you he WANTS you to go...believe him. And, don't deny either yourself or him the joy.
You just never know...

 

[MARSKA]

Your post has been on my mind since I first read it a couple of days ago. I'd like to share one other thing...
A few years ago my wife and I went on a trip here in Australia, The Great Ocean Road. My wife loved to fly and there were these glider rides, which she had never done. I tried so hard to get her to do the ride... while I waited... she wouldn't because she didn't want me to wait... despite me telling her I wanted her to go.
Last year, I lost my wife to cancer. I had planned to surprise her with a glider ride here close at home, but she got too sick.
I'll always regret that I could never share that with her by supporting her from the ground.
If your husband tells you he WANTS you to go...believe him. And, don't deny either yourself or him the joy.
You just never know...

My most sincere sympathy dear DOver. This sort of circumstance crosses my mind frequently. I am so so sorry for your loss. I'm sure it was not easy for you to write this comment.

 

[MARSKA]

I think the guilt and the idea of selfishness may come from the mistaken idea that this is a one-way transaction with you taking and your husband is giving. Not so! You are giving, too. You are giving your husband the opportunity to be supportive. You are giving him the person you will be when you return.

The opportunity to be supportive sounds like a really backhanded gift. But it is not! There are lots and lots of studies that show we are happiest when we are being altruistic, when we are helping and supporting others. How much more so when the one we are helping and supporting is the one we love! Don't minimize the gift of this opportunity.

Thank you David. That is a good way to think about the situation.

 

[dick bird]

It's only selfish if one person stops another from doing what they want or forces them to do something they don't want. I guess it goes without saying that if Mr Marska fancies a little jaunt on his own or a new gizmo or whatever, the answer will be yes?

 

[MARSKA]

It's only selfish if one person stops another from doing what they want or forces them to do something they don't want. I guess it goes without saying that if Mr Marska fancies a little jaunt on his own or a new gizmo or whatever, the answer will be yes?

Oh! Of course! As it has been in the past!

 

[simply B]

As I go about planning my Camino I am beginning to feel selfish. When I add up the costs for this trip it seems self-indulgent. At the current exchange rate food & lodging will be about $2000 for 30 days. Airfare will be $1000 (economy and a 9 hr flight). Yes the money is available but should not it be spent on something we do together? My husband is not interested in a Camino and supports my wishes...but.... well, I just feel like it's just about me.

I am afraid to say that I do not see your problem...but then I CAN be an absolute idiot. (Just ask my bride of over 45 years...)

Go ahead and move with your heart. Sometimes it is right to be "about you". Good things will come out of it.

Your husband is supportive. Look for nothing more.

Buen Camino,

B

 

[PrayerPose25]

I completely understand. I feel like I could've written this exact post, albeit a year ago. My husband was very supportive yet had no desire to go, UNTIL I came back and waxed poetic about my journey. He was very proud of me, told multiple people about my Camino, (still) asks a lot of questions about it, and understood that it was something I needed to do. I process things differently than he does - don't we all? - and he knew that it would be good for me.
I felt selfish doing it, but I also did a mental checklist of all the times and things I'd set aside for him and my children, my parents, coworkers, friends, etc... and realized that I spent a large portion of my life giving so much to others while taking little for myself. I don't think that's healthy.
Go. Just go. Enjoy it. And don't feel a smidge of guilt.

 

[AntonyDavies]

As I go about planning my Camino I am beginning to feel selfish. When I add up the costs for this trip it seems self-indulgent. At the current exchange rate food & lodging will be about $2000 for 30 days. Airfare will be $1000 (economy and a 9 hr flight). Yes the money is available but should not it be spent on something we do together? My husband is not interested in a Camino and supports my wishes...but.... well, I just feel like it's just about me.

FWIW, it might be worth it to press your husband a little bit. My wife wanted to do the Camino for her 50th birthday. I absolutely, positively did not want to join her. I saw no sense in flying half-way around the world to take a walk. I thought it was a complete waste of time and money. But I joined her because she kept asking.

That was our first Camino. I fell in love with the Camino and dragged her back for three more! Your mileage with your spouse may vary, but don't necessarily give up on him.

 

[Bob Howard]

FWIW, it might be worth it to press your husband a little bit. My wife wanted to do the Camino for her 50th birthday. I absolutely, positively did not want to join her. I saw no sense in flying half-way around the world to take a walk. I thought it was a complete waste of time and money. But I joined her because she kept asking.

That was our first Camino. I fell in love with the Camino and dragged her back for three more! Your mileage with your spouse may vary, but don't necessarily give up on him.

This is one of my favorite Forum posts of all time. It distills what we all know--once you do it . . .

 

[C clearly]

it might be worth it to press your husband a little bit.

Maybe, but only if you really want to walk with him.

Perhaps the first experience should be for you on your own, in order to discover it for yourself. I prefer to walk alone - if my husband decided he wanted to come, I would happily make those plans, but it would be a very different trip from my solo ones. I suspect that having a somewhat reluctant companion on that first trip would have left me feeling a bit dissatisfied with the experience and possibly even resentful. Now I have the confidence and knowledge to adapt as necessary.

 

[alexwalker]

This is one of my favorite Forum post of all time. It distills what we all know--once you do it . . .

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave....

 

[TheBigT]

My first solo Camino was last spring, Porto-Santiago. Second just finished SJPP to Leon. My darling wife at home with her important interests (see my picture....grands'). I only know this: there is room in life and in your marriage for you to pursue an independent and perhaps solitary course for some period of time. In my view, it is neither selfish nor some kind of therapy. You simply have important things to do on the way.

 

[Former member 60103]

I am currently on the Camino Portuguese ( central route at Barcelos), I am walking alone as I have done on every single Camino I have completed. I see groups, I see couples and less so I see solitary pilgrims. I am in daily contact with my partner back in UK, she is supportive but would not want to walk the Way. I am happier walking alone with my thoughts and contemplations. I cannot but think that those who walk as couples or groups lose something of the element of the thing. That is my personal opinion and I do not expect everyone to think the same as me. I think Caminos are meant to be solitary, one of the few times in modern life you will get to be independent and alone with yourself. Why would you choose to dilute this? But I accept ,each to his own.
There is no selfishness about it, you will enrich yourself, the experience will give you something. Reach Santiago and you will know this.
Walking with a group is reading a book in a crowded library. Alone you read at your leisure in a field under the sun. The difference is marked.
Buen Camino.
Don.

 

[El Cascayal]

I think Caminos are meant to be solitary, one of the few times in modern life you will get to be independent and alone with yourself.

A gift. In so many ways. I also feel this way. This past Fall, I was surprised to find that I throughly enjoyed walking with a good friend in a heavily trafficked Camino. There was still awesome solitude. Sometimes similar to when you are in a crowded NYC subway and experience aloneness and also the diversity and oneness of this mass of humanity and all creation.

 

[C clearly]

I think Caminos are meant to be solitary

I prefer my Caminos to be independent of others, whether I am always alone or not. However, I don't believe the Caminos are meant to be anything except how I choose to attribute meaning for myself.

 

[Former member 60103]

As I said that is my opinion. I chose to add meaning by walking alone. I prefer it that way. I was specific in stating that this was my opinion only. You make of Camino what you will. You go your Way, I go mine.
Don

 

[C clearly]

As I said that is my opinion. I chose to add meaning by walking alone.

Sorry, I did not intend to be argumentative. I was just taking a slightly different perspective, emphasizing that the meaning is mine, not the Camino's. I think we agree.

 

[Former member 107885]

As I go about planning my Camino I am beginning to feel selfish. When I add up the costs for this trip it seems self-indulgent. At the current exchange rate food & lodging will be about $2000 for 30 days. Airfare will be $1000 (economy and a 9 hr flight). Yes the money is available but should not it be spent on something we do together? My husband is not interested in a Camino and supports my wishes...but.... well, I just feel like it's just about me.

Interesting point. I guess ‘big picture’ it is selfish, financially, time wise, and environmentally assuming you are flying to do a Camino. We could use our time, money, etc more productively to help/be with others whether family or not, but we choose to not do this, and instead use resources for relatively meanlingless (in the big scheme of things) but nevertheless enjoyable walks across the land. But we are all selfish, you, me and everyone else on here. It’s just the way the world works and I am fine with it, maybe even thrive within this culture. It’s not something I really thisnk about tbh, whereas you and different and it’s troubling you. Best to acknowledge it and work with it or change direction in my view!

 

[gratitudemoves]

I found this thread very healing. Thank you for posting, Marska.

I'm planning my first Camino this August and I've found myself experiencing some of the same internalized narratives about what it means to want to do something alone. For me, these narratives have felt very gendered. It's already been an illuminating part of my Camino journey to reflect on how these narratives are showing up in myself and others. One of the first questions I get asked when people hear I'm planning to walk the Camino is asking whether I'm walking alone or with someone else. I never fully know what motivates that question or what the person's biases are in asking, but it's given me a lot of chances to reflect on my choice to walk alone.

In the end, I'm grateful to have the chance to not just intellectually know that I deserve to take time for myself but to follow through on my desire and experience it fully. I'm hoping the Camino helps me shift those internalized narratives in a deeper way.

 

[Mycroft]

I may very well be totally off base or wrong about this, but when I talk (proselytize) to people about the Camino, I say to them (strictly my opinion) that the Camino, whether a pilgrimage with religious or spiritual implications or merely a contemplative walk, is best undertaken and enjoyed as a solitary experience. I have talked to Camino couples or groups of friends that told me they wouldn't have come for the walk if their husband/wife/friend(s) did not accompany them. And I get that many couples walk at different paces and might very well not see each other until the end of the day. But I think of the walk as one of the few times in life when you are truly alone with your thoughts and solely responsible for your own well-being for for an extended period of time, which is not to say, of course, that one would not have many and often meaningful conversations with fellow Pilgrims. So, yes, I suppose there is a self-absorbed aspect to it, but I wouldn't characterize it as selfish, irrespective of the cost. I am probably in the minority in this line of thinking this.

.

If you are in the minority, Mr Howard, I am with you!

 

[David Tallan]

I cannot but think that those who walk as couples or groups lose something of the element of the thing. That is my personal opinion and I do not expect everyone to think the same as me. I think Caminos are meant to be solitary, one of the few times in modern life you will get to be independent and alone with yourself. Why would you choose to dilute this?

I have walked alone and with my son. Each has it's benefits. I didn't find that sharing the experience with my son diluted the experience. In fact, it added something wonderful. I expect sharing it with my wife would also be wonderful. There is something extra about sharing an important experience with someone you love. That's just my personal opinion, though, and your mileage may vary.