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Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.Just to get an idea for how you might be able to cope, I'll ask some questions to get a better picture...
- Where are you starting?
- How long/far do you plan to walk?
- Does either one of you speak Spanish?
- Have either of you done much walking/training? Together? Are your walking speeds compatible?
- Have you been planning for albergue accommodation or private rooms?
Thank you. I am taking all this and I appreciate it.This is a tough situation but I think you need to just breathe and let things be. You committed to traveling with him and it could possibly hurt his feelings if you bail on him. It may turn out that once you start walking that he is slower than you and you naturally separate. But I think in the spirit of kindness that you walk with him at the beginning and see how things go. If you feel you need some time alone just gently tell him that. I have a feeling once you are on the Camino that things will work out the way you want, you just need to be patient and kind. You both will meet other people or may even start walking with a group of people that act as a buffer. You just don’t want to be on the Camino and ditch your friend, you would see him along the way and it would be awkward and people on the Camino do gossip. For what it’s worth on my first Camino I walked the last two weeks with someone I got into a romantic situation with but I was adamant everyday that I was walking into Santiago alone. The night before Santiago he left me because I kept pushing him away. I walked into Santiago alone and cried most of the way because I felt so alone even though that’s what I wanted the most. I guess I didn’t really want to walk into Santiago alone and it would have been so much more fun to walk together after walking every day for two weeks. Just be patient with him, it will all work out. Don’t build up potential disappointment in your head otherwise you may manifest it. Things will change once you are on the Camino.
In spite of @MARSKA 's kind words, I don't have any magic solutions! Clearly, the "serious conversation" about walking alone should have taken place long ago, and relationship advice is not really appropriate for a public forum. So I'll just make some suggestions focused on the logistics of the Camino.Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.
If he wants to camp then that’s going to be a challenge for him because I don’t think there are a lot of camping spots along the Camino and I believe it’s illegal to just pitch a tent in the open in Spain. I could be wrong because I think you are doing the Norte and not the Frances. But if he wants to camp and you don’t then that’s your way to separate from him. He can’t make you camp if you don’t want to. If all else fails and you are truly miserable, fake an invisible injury like shin splints or plantar fasciitis and claim you need a rest day and you prefer to be alone because you’re really bummed and frustrated about your “ injury”.Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.
Totally agree with this! It’s a tough conversation sure, but don’t be ambiguous, don’t ‘soft soap’ it, no ‘halfway houses’ and don’t leave it open for interpretations. You have spent a lot of money, time and effort on this. One tough conversation will leave things in a great place for you, and I would guess will be better outcome for him too.I started my first camino with a friend in somewhat similar circumstances, and we very quickly began to walk separately. I have also walked with my wife, and we made that work the whole distance from SJPP to SDC. Clearly somewhat different levels of commitment. You might hope for the best in your circumstances, but be prepared to act quickly and decisively if it isn't working.
Being a little judgemental, unless you have willingly agreed to help, and quite specifically set boundaries on what help that entails, I don't think you are under any actual or moral obligation to do that. He needs to stand on his own at some point, and I would be thinking of one or two days and not much longer. He needs to know that at that point you will be walking alone in every sense of that phrase, and that it will only be coincidence if you see him on the road, at a bar or cafe, or in an albergue. Be available if he needs an emergency contact, but don't be there every day just to discuss the weather and what he needs to be wearing in it.
Be prepared for any attempt at moral persuasion on his part to keep you helping him. You haven't suggested there is anything, other than unfamiliarity with overseas travel, that will stop him surviving. If he cannot, so be it. If he does, you will both be stronger for helping him do that on his own.
Good luck!
Although under happier circumstances I have also travelled with someone (my Dad, also 20 years + older and needing some assistance) and at times wanted some "alone" time. The best thing I have found is to be upfront and honest. I've said, "even though we are on the journey together, there are times and reflections each of us need to fulfill and have the best experience we can." We then discussed what each wanted and how we wanted to spend that time. For my Dad it meant every day, around mid-morning saying his rosary while he walked alone. For me it was the occasional break to listen to music. Or we often split at the rest points each doing what we wanted.I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.
You should have told him before it is too late. This is too important to be miserable. Now that you are left with the situation, you could at least "walk together but separate" for the first few hours (within sight but not together). Not that uncommon to have alone time in the morning to pray/contemplat/other, even if you are with the perfect walking partner.I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.
I’m am sure that it will work itself out, once you start your pilgrimage. He will get his feet on solid ground and connect with others. Assure him you are a WhatsApp away. Explain this while on the plane, that you want him to experience his own Camino, as well as you need to have your own time to experience yoursI need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.
Exactly!!This is a hard one. You have already agreed to do this together and you are about to depart. It is kind of late to change the rules on your friend. It isn't fair to him that you suddenly say you want to be alone, but it is also unfair to you if you can't do it alone. So - time for a very serious talk! And do it as soon as possible. And find a compromise that works for both of you.
I suggest prefacing this with "I want to support you in your journey, but I also need some boundaries for my journey". And set those boundaries.
I suggest perhaps stating that "we will begin this journey together, so I can help you learn to navigate your way. But after the first week (assuming you are going for more than a week), I will want to be alone" - and define what alone means to you. During that week (or even just the first few days), make sure he has the proper apps downloaded to his phone and that he knows how to use them. Make sure he has the list of accommodations given at the SJPDP pilgrims office (if you will start there). Teach him how to use google translate if necessary. Make sure he knows how to find his nights accommodations. Make sure he knows how to find bars/restaurants along the way. But as he gets more comfortable navigating - have him do more of the navigating and then have him start navigating without you. If he is uncomfortable doing this alone - giving him that transition time will give him the confidence he needs so he can have a great journey. Then you can focus on your journey.
Then - what does being "alone" mean to you? Do you want to be 100% alone? Do you not want to see your friend at all? Are you OK with meeting up in the evenings for dinner and staying at the same albergue? Do you just want to walk your own pace and he walks his own pace and you meet at rest areas?
There are so many ways you can do this "together" without being "together" all the time.
I am hiking the VF with my daughter. We will share rooms every night, but during the day - some days we will probably be together all day, other days we may not see each other until we arrive in our destination. I am an early riser, she is not. I don't like to stop walking for long periods of time, she does. We walk about the same pace, but she doesn't like "how" I walk (teenage daughter - she complains if she doesn't think I am walking straight enough lol). I am an introvert - and she is very social in some situations. I probably won't go out in the evenings besides dinner, she probably will. But - we can do this "together" without being together constantly.
The fact that you want to stay in albergues and he wants to camp might work to your advantage. You say you have the first few nights booked - during that time - do what I said in my last reply and "teach him the ropes" - but let him know NOW that it is OK for him to camp and for you to stay in an albergue after those first few nights. You can get together at dinner in the next towns if you want, or you can totally separate and plan to meet up together when you reach Santiago.Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.
My wife and I have both walked Caminos and other long-distance routes like the Shikoku 88 temple circuit but we have only once walked for a multi-day walk together. Our walking styles and preferences are so different that it would be pretty tense to walk as a couple. So we support each other from home whenever the other is walking. Works for us.We just have different styles, but we still love each other. We always say we are going to "walk our own caminos", but rarely ever do.
I commend you for continuing to do this despite the differences! My husband and I couldn't do it, we are beyond opposites when we travel. We would both be miserable because one of us would be NOT getting what we want. But lucky for me (and not so lucky for him) - he physically CAN'T do it. He needs 2 total knee replacements that they wouldn't do 15 years ago and now that they WOULD do it - he still won't do it. Thankfully he is supportive of my needs to do it.Phil and I always have conflict on our together Caminos. I get up super early. He wants to get up at the last minute. He is super slow--takes a lot of photos, wants to chat with everyone, looks at every flower, wants to take the variant which is usually longer. I want to "get somewhere" so I walk with a mission which means few photos, little chatting, no variants. One or the other of us is usually waiting on each other along the way. I'm usually irritated that I have to wait and he is out of breath when he catches up and is mad that I don't want to let him rest...He says I don't drink enough water and I don't want to have to stop and pee, etc...
We just have different styles, but we still love each other. We always say we are going to "walk our own caminos", but rarely ever do. I think we are both worried that something will happen to the other (a fall, getting lost, heat injury). In the end it all works out.
He does go without me at times. Twice he has gone while I was working. I am taking a university group over the Christmas/New Year break and he won't go with me then, but I will have a bunch of university students to herd along. I complain a big story, but honestly we have had some of our best moments on the Camino together either as pilgrims or hospitaleros.I commend you for continuing to do this despite the differences! My husband and I couldn't do it, we are beyond opposites when we travel. We would both be miserable because one of us would be NOT getting what we want. But lucky for me (and not so lucky for him) - he physically CAN'T do it. He needs 2 total knee replacements that they wouldn't do 15 years ago and now that they WOULD do it - he still won't do it. Thankfully he is supportive of my needs to do it.
Definitely have a talk before you go. We were in a similar situation last year. We'd arranged to walk with 2 friends. Everyone made assumptions- my husband and I that we wouldn't walk together all the time, every day, or necessarily stay in the same accommodation as our friends, and assumed they felt the same. As it was, they expected us to organise each day for them, including deciding, and sometimes booking where to stay. They'd even left their guide books at home. If at times they walked ahead (or we 'stayed back'), we would round the corner to find them sitting on a wall waiting for us.I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.
Ummm, what?Two years ago I "invited", ugh, a neighbor, a cocky retired Air Force General fighter pilot to walk the Aragones with me. In spite of my efforts to caution him "to let the camino happen" he tried to "run the show". Finally one day out of frustration I pushed him down, climbed on his chest, grabbed his neck , and looking right into his face growled "You will listen to me!". His response "Message received!" It was special watching his transformation and hearing him admit "This was harder than I thought it would be!". Our next Camino will be Finisterre/Muxia this fall!
To add on to what Gail said - the bigger the group - the harder it can be for individuals in that group to find a new "Camino family".You can hope that he'll make friends with others and find his 'Camino family', but alas, this didn't happen in our case.
Good luck!!
Dealbreaker. This alone will make both of you unhappy.I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.
Unfortunately, and probably it's a byproduct of movies like The Way and the German one with the comedian, many prospective pilgrims and pilgrims walking the Camino feel they have to have a Camino family to be with and if not their Camino is incomplete. In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?Definitely have a talk before you go. We were in a similar situation last year. We'd arranged to walk with 2 friends. Everyone made assumptions- my husband and I that we wouldn't walk together all the time, every day, or necessarily stay in the same accommodation as our friends, and assumed they felt the same. As it was, they expected us to organise each day for them, including deciding, and sometimes booking where to stay. They'd even left their guide books at home. If at times they walked ahead (or we 'stayed back'), we would round the corner to find them sitting on a wall waiting for us.
It ended up not being a very happy Camino for any of us as tensions built. Sadly, it ended in the breakdown of the relationship between us all
I would never walk with anyone (except my husband) again.
You can hope that he'll make friends with others and find his 'Camino family', but alas, this didn't happen in our case.
Good luck!!
Yes, I don't usually look for a Camino family, but enjoy meeting a lot of people.Unfortunately, and probably it's a byproduct of movies like The Way and the German one with the comedian, many prospective pilgrims and pilgrims walking the Camino feel they have to have a Camino family to be with and if not their Camino is incomplete. In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?
I liked being in the outer circle of a Camino family. I like my solitude - but when I feel lonely, I feel like I can join in with the group. I just weave in and out of the group as I feel the need to connect - or disconnect.In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?
This is a good point, and I also think this notion of camino families somewhat artificial.Unfortunately, and probably it's a byproduct of movies like The Way and the German one with the comedian, many prospective pilgrims and pilgrims walking the Camino feel they have to have a Camino family to be with and if not their Camino is incomplete. In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?
I could have been more succinct, but I tried to pad it out a bit.Err.. the OP requested “be gentle”
Somebody else said that the fact that he is camping might be to your advantage. I think not. I think it's going to make things much worse. The reason is that camping stuff weighs more than just sleeping at an albergue. So, the guy is going to be weighed down more and will be unable to hike as far. Plus, setting up camp takes time. Putting up the tent and taking down the tent is going to take much longer than just stuffing your stuff in your backpack at the albergue. That's going to put him even farther behind you.
Just be honest. Does he expect you to quit or slow down if he gets injured or sick? Does he expect you to walk the same pace? Air out your and his expectations and stick with them.Thank you. I am taking all this and I appreciate it.
Was it a transformation or a fear response? Buying time until a chance for an egress. No doubt something he would have learned in survival and escape school in the military.Two years ago I "invited", ugh, a neighbor, a cocky retired Air Force General fighter pilot to walk the Aragones with me. In spite of my efforts to caution him "to let the camino happen" he tried to "run the show". Finally one day out of frustration I pushed him down, climbed on his chest, grabbed his neck , and looking right into his face growled "You will listen to me!". His response "Message received!" It was special watching his transformation and hearing him admit "This was harder than I thought it would be!". Our next Camino will be Finisterre/Muxia this fall!
I tend to give out advice that is a little different which clearly irritates other people. But here I go. Somebody else said that the fact that he is camping might be to your advantage. I think not. I think it's going to make things much worse. The reason is that camping stuff weighs more than just sleeping at an albergue. So, the guy is going to be weighed down more and will be unable to hike as far. Plus, setting up camp takes time. Putting up the tent and taking down the tent is going to take much longer than just stuffing your stuff in your backpack at the albergue. That's going to put him even farther behind you. I would start out together and see what happens. See if he is actually able to keep up with you. If not, tell him to bus ahead 3 or 4 stages and tell him to keep walking and you'll catch up to him.
@trecile - That is EXACTLY what I meant. It could put more distance between them. Which may mean different towns, but even in the same town it also gives them a different place to sleep - so they aren't in each other's face all day and all night. The fact that one wants to stay in an albergue and the other wants to camp - they can both get their way and the OP can use it to separate from the friend he doesn't want to be around. The OP wants to get away from his friend - so yes - the friend wanting to camp might very well accomplish that.I think that the fact that the partner would be farther behind by camping is exactly what was meant by it being to the OP's advantage. It would put more distance between them.
So…..what happened?I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.
I met a lady on the second day on the Frances in 2018, and we agreed to walk together. We immediately set rules:I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.
Been there, done that. This is my experience as well and I regard the advice as very sound!I made arrangements to walk with an acquaintance. During planning, our time schedules veered a lot, and I ended up starting 10 days before she did. So by the time she met up with me, I had my Camino legs, so to speak. That first day, for the first couple of hours, I walked rather slowly with her, but it became apparent that I could handle longer distances and quicker paces than her. When she was doubting her abilities, I told her I felt that also for the first couple days, but I just walked my pace until I found a rhythm and she would eventually as well. I suggested that I walk ahead and we would meet at "X" for lunch, in the evening, whatever... We each had phones so if need be we could readjust if necessary.
We easily fell into walking by ourselves for the majority of the day. It wasn't until near the end that I explicitly said that I enjoyed my time alone and wanted to walk into Santiago by myself. I'm sure she felt a little abandoned at first, but by the end she completely understood how we were each walking our own walk.
I thought it meant since they would be sleeping in different places that would give her more alone time@trecile - That is EXACTLY what I meant. It could put more distance between them. Which may mean different towns, but even in the same town it also gives them a different place to sleep - so they aren't in each other's face all day and all night. The fact that one wants to stay in an albergue and the other wants to camp - they can both get their way and the OP can use it to separate from the friend he doesn't want to be around. The OP wants to get away from his friend - so yes - the friend wanting to camp might very well accomplish that.
My thoughts exactly! I can't imagine her doing that to a man, let alone a military expert.Ummm, what?
I have heard (read) that often. But just outside of Santiago, I encountered a tent with a Dutch guy who said he had been there two weeks. Said police visited him three times only to remind him to not build a fire. I had been working for two weeks at Pilgrim House but hadn't seen him come in. He said he had been in a few times to cook a meal or do some laundry.… I believe it’s illegal to just pitch a tent in the open in Spain. …
Yes, agreed! They must be on the Camino now. If the OP wants to report back, they can start a new thread, or PM a moderator to reopen this thread.Hopefully the OP has found a way forwards; with or without their companion.
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