Depressed on the Camino

[dd_soleil]

I don't make friends easily, and am having a miserable time on the Frances. I've walked other more solitary routes and have loved them. I made some friends early on on the Camino, but they've gone on faster than me and I'm really feeling the loss. I have no problem being alone in the woods but being in an albergue full of people traveling together who all know each other is making me feel lonelier than ever. I'm thinking of giving up-- I'm not even really sure why I started walking in the first place, beyond knowing that I enjoyed caminos before and hoping some sort of change could happen in me or my life. But I'm doubting it will ever happen, or if im just putting too much hope into the transformative powers of walking the Camino because I feel worse than ever.

I guess I don't really have a question up there, just looking for some support. I can't be the ONLY person who has a hard time emotionally, right? How can I get through this tough period and not give up? Why shouldn't I give up? Etc.

Thanks, and please, just support, no criticism, I'm not sure I could handle it....

-DD-

 

[Tia Valeria]

So sorry to hear you are having s difficult time. Neither of us feel that we could cope with some of the numbers, albergues etc on the Francés. The quieter Caminos are more 'us', both together and for Terry on his own. Somehow in the small albergues it is easier to talk outside of the group, or to the few pilgrims one does encounter along the way. Our last few days (which were along the Francés) we did talk to folk who we met again in Santiago, but Terry found it a more lonely experience on the same section in 2009.
You do not say where you are on the Francés but if it is possible maybe it would help to move northwards to Oviedo and walk from there on the Primitivo. There is enough infrastructure to walk 20-25km days if you use both albergues and hostales, or longer stages if you are able. It might be more the Camino you are hoping for.
Whether you return home, continue or change route we hope you do not feel that you have 'given up' if this route is not for you

 

[Rebekah Scott]

the second time I walked the whole Frances, in 2010, I had a similar experience. I did not connect in any deep or lasting way with any of my fellow pilgrims, and I spent a lot of time feeling unhappy and wondering why I was doing this.

I finally gave up on finding a meaningful camino via other pilgrims, and left the Camino Frances when the Camino Invierno presented itself. I walked that alone, and enjoyed it greatly -- there were no other pilgrims at all, and I did not miss them. I was absorbed in the new environment, watching for waymarks, just being. It was wonderful.

In retrospect, I think my problem was comparison: I was always remarking on how the Camino Frances had changed in the years since I had walked it last, how different the pilgrims were, how this pilgrimage stacked-up against the last one. Once I got myself onto a new trail, the fresh experience hit my "reset" button.

Maybe some of us shouldn´t return for a second go-round. We ought to keep walking caminos for the first time!

 

[myschf]

DD..where are you on the Frances? I am walking now...or a better saying is turtling..Im in Villar De Mazarife...would love to share Camino time with ya'.

 

[dd_soleil]

I think I'm about 40k from Leon... Biasomething del Real? Heading toward burgo de Renara (or something-- I can't keep the names straight!) at dusk because I flipped out at the albergue and didn't know what else to do but walk. Ha!

I'm going to ask in the Leon tourist office about the other Caminos. I'm a little afraid about the weather on the primitivo and Norte (I think that's what goes from Oveido to SDC, right?) as I don't have very many warm clothes. The invierno sounds about right if I don't cheer up by Ponteferra!

Thanks so much for the support.

 

[David]

What an honest post! Yes, it really can be like this - we are away from all of the usual inter-connectedness that we don't even notice until it isn't there ... though, this can also be part of your Camino, a valuable part, a very personal transitional stage.

What you haven't had is other pilgrims coming up to you and inviting you in, as it were, ... I know it is difficult for you .. but, could I suggest this ... observe the other pilgrims .. observe anyone who also seems to be alone, go up to them and offer them a cup of tea as you are making one, or ask to sit and ask how they are doing, ask them questions and talk little about yourself, unless it would help them .... if you see someone trying to do something about their feet, or rucksack, etc, ask if you can help them .... what I mean, is, become the person you would like to meet.

There may be a few 'false starts' but you may be surprised at the positive reactions and how it may alter both your mood and your perspective.

You are obviously honest and open - I hope this helps a little and I wish you a good Camino

Buen Camino Peregrino!!

All is well

 

[Sojourner47]

I had the same experience on the Frances last April - exactly as you say - you are not alone, and it isn't your fault.
I started at SJPDP, walked for a week, and apart from the very first night in Roncevalles, had no contact with other pilgrims - as I've said, they were in their little groups of 2 or 3, and didn't seem interested in embracing a lone stranger.
So much for the legendary pilgrim comradeship.....
I gave up at Najera, after a particularly bad night at Navarette, where I was more or less shunned by a group of Belgian walkers, and returned home. I did have a painful knee, but it was the depression which forced me off the camino.
However, take heart - it will improve for you, you have just hit your personal "wall", and will come through it I'm sure.
I am returning to Najera next week to take up my walk for another 7 days, and I hope for a better experience.
Buen camino, and good luck - I will be thinking of you.

 

[Sagalouts]

hi dd
I agree with David,but if all else fails just vent your spleen on here-we are all here for you and thinking about you and more than willing to listen,after all we are the ones stuck here wishing we where there.
Ian

 

[Kitsambler]

Let's assume you continue walking, and let's assume the social situation doesn't change. I would think your task then becomes how to have the transformative experience you are seeking, under those circumstances. I have tried a variety of measures when encountering similar distress on the Le Puy route: take a rest day, read an inspirational book, express myself in a journal, call home, write friends. Sometimes this time alone prompts inward reflection that is just not possible in the busy routine of our daily lives.

Regardless, I wish you illumination, inspiration, and a Bon Chemin!

 

[robertt]

DD, like Ian said, just hit the keyboard, any time, and we'll be with you. Also - this is embarrassing, since they say he may not have existed - but you could talk to Saint James, just like you're talking to us now. That sort of nonsense actually works for me. (I said it was embarrassing.)

Best

Rob

 

[Al the optimist]

Nice, positive and warm responses above DD. Feel the love. Maybe the people here are no different to those around you. But I have seen advice many times on these forums to take "a time out" when things are tough - to then meet different people. Maybe you could consider giving yourself a little "me time". Perhaps settle down at a PC and browse the forum to gain strength from the many wise and lovely people here.
I wish you well in your decisions.
Buen camino
allam

 

[grayland]

DD has shared a real message here on several layers.
I actually prefer to be alone and have not problem with not being part of the group....but always end up in the middle of a close "family" of pilgrims. Go figure...the loner gets pulled in and someone who really wants comradship gets left out.

I do try very hard to look for anyone who looks alone or depressed and try to engage with them. I invite them along with dinner and walking "groups". Many have no interest but I have been pleased at those who fit right in and continued along long after I went my own way.

I will make an even harder effort to include others in the future.

 

[newfydog]

Well,we've actually all felt like that. I worked for a company where I ate lunch alone for seven years.

Can't offer you any solutions, except to say that other situations, jobs, trips,were not like that.

Good luck,enjoy your time on the trail, find some good books to read, and let us knownhow you are doing.

 

[julie]

Also - this is embarrassing, since they say he may not have existed - but you could talk to Saint James, just like you're talking to us now. That sort of nonsense actually works for me. (I said it was embarrassing.)

Must be something in the air in NSW Rob - that's exactly what I do when I'm on the Camino and am troubled about something. What's more, he usually gives me a response. He has the knack of giving you what you need, not what you want so I'm usually told to be patient (not one of my strong points), that things would happen at the right time or that I need time alone to think through things - particularly the issues that I didn't even know I had before I went on pilgrimage.

 

[LTfit]

Hi dd,

You have received many warm, heartfelt reactions- this is also what this forum is about! So thanks to all those who have taken time to respond.

David's reaction, in particular, hit home:

... what I mean, is, become the person you would like to meet.

.
I can only say that I have felt the healing powers of being on the 'giving end'. And although this might seem far from possible - considering how your feel at the moment - give it a shot. I was going through a personal issue prior to my departure for my hospitalera stint in Grañón this summer and after only 5 days of being there the internal road-block lifted. What I hadn't been able to do on my own in the previous months happened without trying. Hard physical work and caring for the needs of the daily pilgrims worked in ways I can not express in a post.

Whatever you decide, you are NOT ALONE out there. Reach out to your fellow pilgrims and/or hospitaleros. And if you decide to stay, search out those smaller albergues - especially ones that offer a communal meal (mainly parroquiales). Maybe go back to Bercianos and ask to stay and help out for a day or so to reboot.

Un abrazo fuerte y animo!
LT
p.s. whatever you decide please let us know!

 

[ksam]

Hey DD ! Something to think about...you've already done something pretty brave and out of the ordinary..your walking the Camino. So take a deep breathe and try to meet someone's eye, and offer them some of your dinner...or wine (or beer, both great "ice" breakers!). Or try coffee in the morning when your readying your pack. Then make sure to say hello to that person again later in the day when you cross paths (and I hope and pray you will!) And give a thought to all the people you know who wouldn't even set foot outside their door to do what your already doing!

Talking to SJ is also a great way to shift focus and not feel so alone. There were times I did it too.

Know that we're all here ready to urge you forward in words and in our prayers. Buen Camino & Ultreia!

Karin

 

[Muldoon 200]

I'm on the Camino not too far ahead if you and also getting a bit overwhelmed by the solitude of it all.
I have had a few problems, lots of blisters even after 3 weeks and after all the precautions, I've had the gastro problems Vesuvius from both ends, my amigos and Amiga have all gone ahead, and today tendinitis so that my final assault on Santiago is fast petering out.
I too don't know what to do and while I have some physical issues the mental ones are the ones making life tough.
Tonight I visit a church for 1st in 20 years other than for a wedding or funeral(too many of the latter) and a wonderful priest (old, content and wise) gave us the pilgrim blessing. The words are strong and include strength and fortitude plus a bit of perseverance. I'm not strong and I will find it difficult to persevere but he gave me some inspiration to go on tomorrow.
You are not alone and if I find a Peregrino on his/her own I will ask them if it is OK to join them.
Hope to see you or the many others like us soon.
Buen Camino (and I hope I can keep going, not for anyone other than me!)

 

[dd_soleil]

Thanks for such warm responses, all!

I asked to help out at Bercianos but they didn't have any work and didn't seem to know what to do with a crying American girl, so I left and joined my Camino friends (a couple) in bergo de ranero, and had a pleasant nice in a WELCOME lone room at the hostel nogal! €7 for a double bed in my own room hit the spot.

Today I walked 44k past Leon to virgen del Camino. I didn't see anyone I knew at the albergue (till later, when some traveler-type Bici guys with dogs said they'd seen me a bunch of times, as I'd seen them too, and called me "mujer de Conan" -- Conan the barbarian's wife! -- for being so strong an walking fast. Point for DD! At least they didn't see my 3 days of tears.

Getting away from the familiar faces was good,
And doing the crazy Ks made me feel good too. Tomorrow is another day.

Unless I meet up with a group I feel comfortable with, I'll prob head to the Camino invierno at ponteferrada.

The dark cloud has lifted somewhat with the hard miles and solitude, I hope I can keep it at bay!

 

[Al the optimist]

Well done. Keep it up girl!

 

[marian55]

Well done!! The horizon is yours!
Have a nice walk today!

 

[FrancesK]

I'd suggest trying to avoid the larger albergues and the more 'standard' stopping points each day. Look for the smaller albergues, perhaps private ones that hold communal meals. This is how met people after losing my intial group when i had to slow down due to injury. One really awesome albergue was San Bol, which has only 12 beds and is in the middle of the meseta, so other than talking to fellow pilgrims or writing in your diary there is nothing else do all afternoon. Its pure bliss!

 

[David]

Way to go! nothing wrong with tears, nothing wrong with how you have been feeling and what you have been feeling .. what you display is that in adversity you pick yourself up and go onwards.

You have Big heart and Big courage DD

Well done - hope all becomes better for you

Buen Camino!

 

[evanlow]

I'm also very apprehensive about the group thing. In the Camino Primitivo (joins the Frances at Melide) and Camino Del Norte (joins the Frances at Arzua), I am suddenly faced with a hugh numbers of pilgrims who I had no contact with until then and they had obviously known each other since they all walked the Camino Frances.

You just have to be open. I was alone having walked faster than the last group I met on the Camino del Norte. I met a Swiss lady at the albergue in Monto do Gozo (yes, that late in the camino) and we decided to walk the last few km together while I show her the way, the pilgrim office, the rituals when arriving at the cathedral, the gardens, etc. (it was the first time in Santiago for her). I felt like a tour guide. In a sense that helped me too as it would be a bummer if I have to walk to the Cathedral alone.

It really helps if you just start the conversation. It's so easy on the Camino. Where are you from? Is this your first Camino? Why do you walk the Camino? A few hours later, you are already best pals.

 

[Al the optimist]

Yes Evanlow, it is a lonely moment arriving at the Cathedral alone. Having recently walked the Ingles where there very few people, I did just that. Even though I am happy to walk alone (and perhaps prefer to do so), I am a gregarious sort who likes to enjoy company the rest of the time. I endeavour to not to repeat the lone arrival experience again.
Buen Camino
allan

 

[manifestdestinyLISA]

I agree that walking off schedule or before/after suggested stages also allows for some gem experiences and more intimacy..the alberges, people and towns that are a little out of the way help to meet up with nice treasure and surprise...it opens things up a bit and can enrich the way in most unexpected ways usually pleasant! San Bol was def. like that..and stopping for little breaks and walking on a little later in the morning and evening can also open up other opportunities...wishing you providential moments..and meetings...Lisa

 

[Manny D]

Hi, DD!

I walked my first Camino in June/July 2009 alone (St. Jean to Santiago), in honor of my mother who died on the 16th of January. The Camino afforded me the space and the time to grieve and come to terms with her death. In 2011 (August to November), I did my second Camino from Le Puy to Santiago to celebrate my 49th birthday again by myself.

Though I have always looked upon the Camino as a source of blessing, I have to admit that I also had moments of sadness and loneliness. I believe that it is part of our life, part of our personal journey. The Camino afterall is a metaphor of life. I had expectations when I did the Camino and later on allowed myself to be open to whatever the Camino brings, sun and heat, rain and cold, walking with company and walking alone, on the right track and getting lost, thirsty and hungry, content and satisfied. There is something in our life that connects with the day in and day out experience of the Camino and whatever it is - enriches our outlook on life and makes us more appreciative of what we have more than focusing on what we don't have.

May you continue your journey both within yourself and along the Camino. May the Spirit of the Camino lift you up and cheer you along the way. Blessings abound more than we can imagine. May you be as your name is ... sunshine to others ... a light along the Way of Saint James.

Buen Camino,
Manny D.

 

[dd_soleil]

Hi again all,

After a few good days I'm back in a sad headspace, I guess the Camino is a metaphor for life and I keep bringing my bad stuff from life onto the Camino, surrounded by what feels like shallowness and then got treated poorly by a fellow pilgrim I ha a bit of a romance with (probably a bad idea!) feeling just like things will never get better for me, and I just bring my sad and draining energy onto the Camino. And now, rain! I take comfort knowing I'll finish soon, though with no clear idea what to do next. I love walking, but... I'm disappointed I haven't had an amazing time or any breakthroughs this Camino, just feeling sad and rejected, as in my real life. Whoa, heavy!!

Anyway, thanks for your support, everyone! Tomorrow I may try to walk the big kms again and leave this group and the drama behind.

This may be a bit much but... Those of you who pray, I appreciate any prayers that this be my last year of depression and solitude. Ready for a positive outlook and real, true love to enter my life!!

Thanks again.

DD

 

[Pieces]

I know you may consider this crap advise,but being lonely and depressed on a Camino actually MAY constitute a transforming experience.

 

[David]

At the risk of random brickbats I do have to agree with Pieces (nice to see you back on here peregrina)..

I have found, by listening to many many solitary pilgrims, that the Camino can bring us right up against that personal wall. People who want only to be alone, as they are in their 'real' life, find they are dragged into groups. People who want only to be in a group, as they are in their 'real' life, find themselves alone ... there is a list here but is much too long to write here.

Life is a process, you are on a moving line ....If one is travelling alone on Camino sooner or later you enter your own Room 101 .... and yes, this is the space where the transforming experience may happen - this is the moment not to give up, this is the moment to carry on - surrender to it, live it, and see where you are when you come out the other side.

Why did you go on pilgrimage? (not any particular 'you' meant here) .... why were you drawn? Why did you feel called? To develop? To get away from who you have been? To find yourself? To think long and hard about your life?
The thing is, if you came deeply longing/looking for the 'answer' then the chances are you will eventually be faced with who you are - it can be saddening, lonely, frightening - but it is safe out there, you are safe, all is well, so see what happens when you surrender to it ....

(Atheists please look away now) ... There is a rather marvellous film about finding who you are, it is a delight - though quite tearful - Julia Roberts is the lead and it is called EatPrayLove - there is a wonderful line in it where, after all her anguish and troubles, she finally 'gets it' and says, smiling to her core "God In me, As me"

Exactly

laughter and joy may come - all is well

Buen Camino! :wink:

 

[Tia Valeria]

A dear little old lady I knew once said 'Count your blessings'. If you can find just one good thing a day to be thankful for, then be thankful, hang on to it and remember it when things seem/are bad.
Hopefully the support you say you have received here can be your one good thing today.

After the Camino..........many acknowledge to feeling withdrawal symptoms. Remembering the good and bad times, sharing here, even planning a return all help. The Camino remains as part of you and its influence can continue to work if you let it.

To complete my old friend's saying:-
'Count your blessings, name them one by one; and it will surprise you what the Lord has done'

 

[lynettefoo]

I just finished the Camino last week. I walked with a friend and after 3 days, he dumped me and went on his own. I was depressed all of 30 minutes.

I think it comes down to putting yourself in the best frame of mind. I told myself it can't be all that bad! I asked God for 2 things after that:

1: send me a friend so that I can walk with them and they can keep me company.

2: help me find shelter so that I would always have a place to stay.

I got what I wanted and I made some really good friends. There are always going to be people you like or dont like on the way. The idea is to just be open minded and let everyone you come into contact with have a chance to talk to you.

I really struck gold with 3 walkers and we became very good friends. I got to say that I met very nice people and I just finished last week.

Don't give up. I dont think The Camino is a life changing thing. Perhaps I am not as spiritual as others but I know that it enhanced my life. I was always positive and I walked the Camino happy and had no questions except the 2 that I wrote above. I think that helped me alot.

Positivity attracts positivity. Negativity attracts negativity.

So smile and smell the roses along the way (or should I say cow dung?) ;-)

Good Luck on the rest of your Camino.

 

[freeflyer123]

I have been reading through the posts above for inspiration and wondering how your trip ended, DD. Did you find the overall experience overwhelming but worth the experience once it had ended? And would you love to do it again sometime? My personal reason for doing the camino is because I want to be able to look back in years to come and say that I had done something exceptional, for me; not so much to show others that I could do something that most others would perhaps think of as inexplicable, but to show myself that I can do it. The one crucial difference is that I will be riding the camino, but will meet lots of walkers as well. I am taking my husband as well because I very much doubt I could find the way by myself! Now that you have completed your camino, DD, what are your thoughts on the experience?

 

[rogerthomson]

Have a good camino freeflyer.
I've decided to cycle this year and was following DD's adventures too, because, whilst I like my own company, I don't want to be a billy no-mates all the time and I know it can be difficult to push your way into what appears to be settled groups. Hope to see you both if you are on the Camino Frances in mid- late May.

 

[Trishkerry]

I know just how you feel. Im a shy and dont make friends easily. I walked from Santiago to finestrre last June and most of the others walking the same route had walked from St J. I felt like a complete out sider . One day i was sitting out side a cafe (alone) when a group of four sat at the table next to me. I took a deep breath and said to them that it was so nice to hear somebody speaking in a language that i understood. That was all it took. The conversation flowed easily after that and i felt very proud of myself for doing something that was so alien to me. Go for it! I promise you won't feel foolish. Look out for other solo walkers they might well be feeling the same as you. xxx

 

[Kiwiangela]

Roger, I'll be walking alone, starting in Leon 19th May. I'll be the slow (unfit) one with the forum badge and kiwi flag on my pack. So don't whiz past me, stop for a chat :lol: