Death: a new approach, an old approach

[CaminoDebrita]

My stepdad died today.

My family is so intertwined with people who aren't blood related with me, but who have become my family through marriage or love.

Wayne married Mom in 2001. I knew they were ecstatic to have found each other. They "got" each other's senses of humor. My mom glowed--glowed!--around him. She suddenly loved baseball; never had she loved baseball. She suddenly wore his company t shirts; Mom had never worn t shirts. She couldn't get a sentence out that didn't have his name in it, what he liked, what he wanted to do, what he had bought her or cooked for her.

She died in 2011, and left Wayne behind. I'll never forget her giving him advice: get married again! I have a list of potential girlfriends! You are lovable! Don't you dare stay single! She loved him that much.

He remarried Patricia, and I fell in love with her too. Feeling Mom's loss was easier knowing that my stepdad had a companion again.

But today he died, at 3 PM. All the hard things, the old good habits. I bought groceries for Grandma, his 98-year-old mom. Can you imagine, losing your only son? He's 78, you're 98? So not right. Heartbreaking to see her petting his forehead, as he lay dying.

I did the old habits, the writing of the obituary. Then I drove home.

And creeping out of nowhere: be in the moment. Enjoy this time, now. Right now. Look at those clouds. Wow, just like Spain! The new habits of the Camino. What would Vira advise? Could I ever do the prolonged sitting of a Buddhist practitioner? And two of my good friends on the forum have shared so much about their losses. We are all going through this together. These--my friends--are new thought habits, created and born while doing Camino Frances.

The moral of the story: the practice of God-walking is a healthy, helpful and mindful practice. I'm so glad I can fall back onto that pillow when hard times come.

Buen Camino---

 

[NualaOC]

So sorry for your loss Deb. Thank you for sharing your beautiful reflections - you've said it all. I'm just waking up in Spain, in the peace of a misty mountain village. I will think of you and your family as I walk today.

 

[C clearly]

Lovely tribute to both your mother and step-dad.

 

[VNwalking]

Deb, heartfelt condolences. I am sorry for your loss. And yet how beautifully you are navigating this time. With grace and tenderness and deep care.

And such wonderful words...it's so true, the power of the Camino.

And honestly? Walking this precious way is another way of doing what the prolonged sitting does. And obviously it's doing its magic very well for you! So just keep walking. Not that you need encouragement...

With prayers for you, your step-dad, and his grieving mother. So touching and very sad.

 

[Wokabaut_Meri]

Dearest Deb - my heartfelt thoughts and wishes are with you today.

What @Viranani said is so true... no need for prolonged sitting when your God-walking (what a wondrous, beautiful term) is a meditation in and of itself - the Wonderment of the Present Moment.

Be extra kind to yourself in the days that come.
Death may end a life but not a relationship.
Go gently, go well.

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.
Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
Richard Bach
Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

 

[VNwalking]

I wish I had WokabautMeri's way with words. Exactly.

 

[Pingüigrino]

Que la tierra le sea leve. Que su recuerdo te arranque sonrisas.

 

[Mike Savage]

Deb, I'm sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute you have written.

 

[movinmaggie]

Deb, so sorry for your loss, but what a gift, to have memories such as you have described. I imagine your future walks will most be even more heartfelt.

 

[CaminoDebrita]

Thank you, every one of you wonderful people.

I slept very well last night considering I drove the Camino Frances essentially yesterday--526 miles in a day. I had to keep pulling over to cry.

It got so tangled up for me. My mom and stepdad were very imperfect people, and both of them smoked, drank, and gambled. I do not judge. I will say that they moderated each other very well, and after a few years of flying high, they settled down to take care of each other. They had a large nest egg that they had saved, and my mom inherited her grandmother's money--a substantial chunk. I tell this only to explain what happened next.

When my mom died--leaving Wayne--he was really devastated, but remarried fairly soon. He and Patricia loved going to the casinos in Washington state, and they quickly burned through the money that he and my mom had saved. And yes, they burned through money that my mom had inherited from her mother. Again, this is only for story-telling--please don't read into this that I care about the money, as my personal feelings are, "do what you want with your life and your belongings". Live and let live.

However....Wayne had an adopted daughter. He gave her everything. He had developed a large company and he passed it to her, with all the books, materials, employees, everything. The only caveat was that he would receive a paycheck each month.

When the daughter found out that her dad had--in his humane weakness, and, I think, depression at losing not only my mother, but his previous wife, Linda of 37 years---gambled all of his money away, she shunned him, said horrible things about him all over their small town, and refused to see him. In his final three days, he lay dying, and he would whisper her name....despite his 98-year-old mother begging the daughter to come say farewell to her dad, she would not even visit. Not even a phone call.

So, here we are. Yes, I am very sad, and that's normal, but I can hardly deal with the sadness that a person would do this to a parent. I have always felt that the closer we hold people, the closer we see the imperfections. May I always choose to hold people close. May I love the imperfections, and in so doing, understand my own.

Mostly, I am furious at that woman who shunned her father, talked about him throughout town, and turned his own employees into frightened mice who know that if they go to his service, they could be fired or shunned, or taken out of the company's will--and I am trying to keep that anger at bay and just honor my stepdad.

 

[naplesdon]

Not to make light of your situation but I've loved all of your post since you became a Forum member.
After the death of my father while on vacation in France with my daughter in 2007 we jointly deciding to continue our trip for 2 more weeks. Then the untimely death of my daughter came several years later.
I am reminded of the Beatles famous words: ".....Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on,....."

 

[CaminoDebrita]

Not to make light of your situation but I've loved all of your post since you became a Forum member.
After the death of my father while on vacation in France with my daughter in 2007 we jointly deciding to continue our trip for 2 more weeks. Then the untimely death of my daughter came several years later.
I am reminded of the Beatles famous words: ".....Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on,....."

I will be as honest with you: when I found out you had lost your daughter, I started listening more closely to you. I always respected and liked your posts, but finding out that you had endured the worst burden, I just found you all the more compelling. You have no idea how much I appreciate your words.

 

[naplesdon]

Thank you.

 

[julia-t]

Words fail me at this time, but you have my heartfelt sympathies. Thinking of you, and sending you light and love and spiritual (((hugs))).
God bless you and yours.

 

[VNwalking]

What complicated lives we humans can live, creating more pain in this already painful world.
Main thing though, Deb? You're not doing that. You might be (understandably) angry and outraged, but you're not acting on that to make a heartrending situation worse. You couldn't be doing a better thing to honor your step-dad, and it sets an example for those who wish to pay attention.

Keep shining your light, dear Deb.
I know it's not easy...good thing you have a walk coming up!

 

[wawpdx]

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss. May you always continue to be true to yourself regardless of what others choose to do.

 

[CaminoDebrita]

@Viranani --In past years, I would have called the cruel daughter, and begged her to come to her father's bedside. Now that I'm older, I have taken a different approach. You just can't whitewash a black fence in one go.

There is no way that phoning her would have helped. She would have gotten furious at me, and further sidetracked. It's best to just let her be.

 

[VNwalking]

It's best to just let her be.

Exactly.
The Beatles had a song for that, too.
And St Francis had an even better prayer.
Her black fence is her bad karma. Compassion is the only possible action, all the way around.

 

[Mike Trebert]

Dear Deb,

Nothing is as solitary as grief. We offer you our loss and sorrow and each shared burden becomes lighter.

Mike

 

[Wokabaut_Meri]

@Viranani --In past years, I would have called the cruel daughter, and begged her to come to her father's bedside. Now that I'm older, I have taken a different approach. You just can't whitewash a black fence in one go.

There is no way that phoning her would have helped. She would have gotten furious at me, and further sidetracked. It's best to just let her be.

Your equanimity at this distressing time is a gift to us all - and to yourself. It means that you will hold no regrets from how you behaved during a time that makes embarassments of many.

Volunteering in hospices and aged care/dementia homes for many years means that I have witnessed some truly awful behaviours by family and friends.

I've also seen amazing instances of kindness, forgiveness and understanding as well.

Hold strong. Grieve when you have to, rage to an understanding friend if you need to but keep that marvellous gentle perspective and you'll see the journey through.

 

[CaminoDebrita]

Your equanimity at this distressing time is a gift to us all - and to yourself. It means that you will hold no regrets from how you behaved during a time that makes embarassments of many.

Volunteering in hospices and aged care/dementia homes for many years means that I have witnessed some truly awful behaviours by family and friends.

I've also seen amazing instances of kindness, forgiveness and understanding as well.

Hold strong. Grieve when you have to, rage to an understanding friend if you need to but keep that marvellous gentle perspective and you'll see the journey through.

Thank you. I too can behave poorly, but my poor behavior is never, ever aimed at the weak and dying, and I have a very strong sense of loyalty toward family.

 

[Wokabaut_Meri]

Thank you. I too can behave poorly, but my poor behavior is never, ever aimed at the weak and dying, and I have a very strong sense of loyalty toward family.

We all have the capacity to behave badly especially within the crucible of strong emotions that the dying process unleashes.

Your equanimity shines through your distress. Your Caminos serve you well. You spoke about the prolonged sitting of a Buddhist practitioner... no need as my teachers would say you are already arriving

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up
and the door of my heart
could be left open,
the door of compassion.

Thick Nhat Hanh
Please Call Me By My True Names

 

[Albertagirl]

Thank you. I too can behave poorly, but my poor behavior is never, ever aimed at the weak and dying, and I have a very strong sense of loyalty toward family.

Dear Deb:
It sounds like you're managing very well. So often, one or more weak family members make everything about a death harder for the dying person and for those like you who are strong to help. Blessings on you for being strong for everyone. Be gentle with yourself in your grief.

 

[William Garza]

Debra
Sorry for your loss.

Respectfully...

Is it your sense of Honor that is driving the anger to a degree?

That this person should treat a loved one
One so close to you that your heart breaks
Has done a dishonorable act toward them?

Let them burn in their own purgatory
Let those fires cleanse the dross

Yours is to walk with sadness for the proper time..and distance
Then you will lay it aside one day.
And smile in the Sun

Her faults are not yours to carry
Her acts are hers alone.
The world has seen her qualitys and will judge them so.

We..have seen your Stirling Soul
And rejoice in your company
Welcome the entrance of our Deb
Raise a glass at your entry
And smile at the thought.

Let yours be the emerald fields beside the roads
Let yours be the sound of laughter from yon lit window
Let yours be the whispered name in winds near and far
Let yours be the circle yet closed
Let yours be the River of Stars sprung from youthfilled breast

Let yours be poetry,songs and wine
Let yours be sure steps upon any road
Let yours be unclouded eyes on far horizons
Let yours be Forever Green,Forever Strong
Forever Young.

As for the rest?

Leave them behind on the Way.

Be Blessed

 

[CaminoDebrita]

Debra
Sorry for your loss.

Respectfully...

Is it your sense of Honor that is driving the anger to a degree?

That this person should treat a loved one
One so close to you that your heart breaks
Has done a dishonorable act toward them?

Let them burn in their own purgatory
Let those fires cleanse the dross

Yours is to walk with sadness for the proper time..and distance
Then you will lay it aside one day.
And smile in the Sun

Her faults are not yours to carry
Her acts are hers alone.
The world has seen her qualitys and will judge them so.

We..have seen your Stirling Soul
And rejoice in your company
Welcome the entrance of our Deb
Raise a glass at your entry
And smile at the thought.

Let yours be the emerald fields beside the roads
Let yours be the sound of laughter from yon lit window
Let yours be the whispered name in winds near and far
Let yours be the circle yet closed
Let yours be the River of Stars sprung from youthfilled breast

Let yours be poetry,songs and wine
Let yours be sure steps upon any road
Let yours be unclouded eyes on far horizons
Let yours be Forever Green,Forever Strong
Forever Young.

As for the rest?

Leave them behind on the Way.

Be Blessed

I am so honored by you. Thank you, prophetic advisor poet.

Deb

 

[ess1113]

My stepdad died today.

My family is so intertwined with people who aren't blood related with me, but who have become my family through marriage or love.

Wayne married Mom in 2001. I knew they were ecstatic to have found each other. They "got" each other's senses of humor. My mom glowed--glowed!--around him. She suddenly loved baseball; never had she loved baseball. She suddenly wore his company t shirts; Mom had never worn t shirts. She couldn't get a sentence out that didn't have his name in it, what he liked, what he wanted to do, what he had bought her or cooked for her.

She died in 2011, and left Wayne behind. I'll never forget her giving him advice: get married again! I have a list of potential girlfriends! You are lovable! Don't you dare stay single! She loved him that much.

He remarried Patricia, and I fell in love with her too. Feeling Mom's loss was easier knowing that my stepdad had a companion again.

But today he died, at 3 PM. All the hard things, the old good habits. I bought groceries for Grandma, his 98-year-old mom. Can you imagine, losing your only son? He's 78, you're 98? So not right. Heartbreaking to see her petting his forehead, as he lay dying.

I did the old habits, the writing of the obituary. Then I drove home.

And creeping out of nowhere: be in the moment. Enjoy this time, now. Right now. Look at those clouds. Wow, just like Spain! The new habits of the Camino. What would Vira advise? Could I ever do the prolonged sitting of a Buddhist practitioner? And two of my good friends on the forum have shared so much about their losses. We are all going through this together. These--my friends--are new thought habits, created and born while doing Camino Frances.

The moral of the story: the practice of God-walking is a healthy, helpful and mindful practice. I'm so glad I can fall back onto that pillow when hard times come.

Buen Camino---

Your words are incredible !
I am sorry for your loss but I am thankful that you shared your words with us.

 

[DurhamParish]

Deb, I'm sorry for your loss. May your Step Father rest in peace.

We here on this forum are all so much richer because of you sharing your life with us.

 

[William Garza]

I am so honored by you. Thank you, prophetic advisor poet.

Deb

Debra.
I am sorry if I was presumptuous.
But the tears of sorrow are pure
And genuine. To taint them with anger or any other purpose will leave stains that dirty the windows of the soul.

May your windows be clean