I hope these words of mine are OK to post, since they deal with religion, but it’s really about me, my own process and how I’m grappling with my feelings and significance of doing this pilgrimage. Apologies in advance if somehow I overstep some bounds, as that is not my intention. I hope my perspective might be useful to you in some way (and it’s OK if it’s not).
I think of myself as a former Catholic, not lapsed, as my current lack of religious practice has been deliberate, not simply something that I forgot due to lack of habit. Your query has got me thinking a lot, because I DO come from a Catholic background, I grew up in a Catholic culture, so some of it has stayed with me. I’m planning to do my first Camino next month, so I think I can relate to some of the awkwardness, and this is how I’m processing it:
When I was young, I did go through a “I want to be a priest” stage, but life took me in a different, more scientific direction. There was too much about religion I couldn’t wrap my head around. Fortunately, I did not experience any of those unfortunate abusive incidents we’ve all heard about, and as much trauma as i have about many things, church is not one of them, other than it failed me at the time, or so it has seemed all this time.
I have dabbled in other forms of spirituality, like Buddhism, Native American, Yoga, Unitarian/Universalist, also attended 12 step meetings for non-chemical issues but having a spiritual component. In the meantime, I’ve been struggling with PTSD, depression, grief and loss. Since now I’m doing better psychologically, I have more willingness to keep an open mind about the church. After all, nobody is forcing me to walk a religious pilgrimage, so I think I would be best advised for me to be respectful of the rituals and beliefs that have sustained countless people even if those haven’t worked for me. I also believe I should be teachable, cast aside past traumas and biases, and perhaps learn something in the process. I hope I can do so with the humility necessary to absorb the lessons I need to learn.
I want to light candles in churches. I want to hear Gregorian chants. I want to sit in the wilderness, under a tree, on the forest, meseta, mountain, anywhere, with my head down, reverently trying to hear whatever message I’m supposed to get, if any. I want to have heartfelt conversations with clergy about things that have troubled me for the longest time, without bitterness or anger, but with humility in the recognition that I don’t know everything, and that no one else does, either.
I do have criticisms about certain church issues, but I try to balance those criticisms with a compassionate understanding that, for thousands of years, humanity had to somehow figure out how to make sense of this difficult world, without the benefit of our modern technology, doing the best the can while struggling with our flawed humanity. While religious beliefs and practices have been a source of pain and sorrow to countless people, they have also been a source of comfort and guidance to countless others. So I try not to throw the baby out with the bath water. I hope I can take a fresh look without being judgmental.
Watching You Tube videos, I saw a clip somewhere of a group of nuns playing guitars, singing, and blessing pilgrims with a kiss in the forehead, it felt genuine. Although I do not consider myself religious, I would be honored if I’m allowed to receive such a blessing, as unworthy of it as I feel.
I do not need to believe the entire religious dogma nor eat the whole enchilada. But I think I might find something in the Camino that might enrich my sense of spirituality.
I don’t know how it will play out. Despite my good intentions, there’s no telling what might come up for me, what might be triggered, but I’m hoping that it will bring me a different level of understanding of our complex humanity. In doing so, maybe I can also be a comforting presence for others that are also struggling.
Thanks for posing this question, I hope this long-winded response is helpful in some way, or that at least it is OK.
Peace and good night!
